Saturday, May 21, 2016

Online Adventures

Online chatting is becoming interesting.

I've noticed a pattern among those responding to my profile. They seem to fall into a few groups:
  1. Men who are horny and say so in the first few messages;
  2. Men, mostly from Asian countries, who are seeking a boyfriend/husband and say so in the first few messages;
  3. Men whose picture doesn't match their description in their profile who are seeking a long term relationship and say so either in their profile or their first few messages;
  4. Men who just want to chat and maybe see where things go.
The first group is self-explanatory.
  • Him: "Hi, horny?"
  • Me: "Nope"
And that's it. Though sometimes they come back and try again. And strike out again. And, once in a while, I see them on my "Recent Visitors" the men who keep circling in the bar, hoping for a different answer the third or fourth time they ask.

The second group seems to be comprised mostly of Asian men, primarily from the Philippines, India or SE Asia, who are seeking love/or a long term relationship and are quite direct in saying so:
  • Him: "Are you looking for love or an LTR (Long Term Relationship)?"
  • Me: "No"
  • Him: "Would you take me for a husband?"
  • Me: "If I'm not looking for an LTR, why would I want a husband?"
  • Him: "Okay, bye"
And some are quite determined.
  • Him: "But, I know I'm the right man for you!"
  • Me: "And how exactly do you know you're the right man for me?"
  • Him: "Because I can make you happy!"
  • Me, thinking: (and you know that because we've been chatting for all of three minutes, yeah, right.)
Two weeks later they message me, "I miss you," like the one night stand who won't go away.

Um, yeah, okay.

The third group is interesting. I'm really beginning to spot them right away. For example:
  • The physical description does not match with the picture; Eye color: Brown (yet, in the picture they're blue or some color other than brown.) Or, they say no facial hair while they sport a full beard in the picture; or they don't have tattoos while the arms in the picture are covered with them. (Not the sharpest pencils in the box.)
  • The ethnic description does not match with the picture; Yes, I know I am generalizing or stereotyping, but some times things just don't add up. The ethnicity says "Middle Eastern" and the picture is of a blond haired blue eyed man? Perhaps, but my guard will be up. 
  • The description of what they're looking for is too damn perfect. E.g., "I am an honest, caring and reliable man. I am also a good listener and I seek a loving man that shares these same qualities. I believe a relationship is built on the loving foundation of trust, appreciation and mutual respect." Or this, my personal favorite: "I want a man who can handle me like the tender fragile egg that I am. I love from the depths of my heart and soul." And you are 25? Yeah, right.
  • The photo is of a man in a military uniform. And for some reason, they are all mechanical engineers stationed in Afghanistan, ending their tour of duty in the next six months and are absolutely sure they are the right man for me, and why wouldn't I want a military man. And they tell me all this in about five to six messages.
  • Their English is not quite correct enough.
  • They usually only post one picture.
  • And after a few chats, it hits; they all need money.
These are the hustlers in the bar scene.


It's the fourth group that has been the most interesting. And sadly, the smallest. But, definitely the healthiest men in the bar.

Me, on an Alaskan adventure
I have met some genuinely nice men who simply want to chat. There has been no mention of sex. I have had some deep spiritual discussions with a Native American man, several compliments on my Spanish from a Peruvian, a Colombian, a Mexican and a very cute Chilean. A couple of men were interested in my writing or photography and inquired about my work, and a few retired teachers have asked how the profession has changed. One immense drawback, none of them are local. Well, one is; and he may turn into a writing buddy. 

Several friendly chats have started off nicely, yet have gone nowhere. They would start off in general conversation, but then we seem to miss each other. I guess the idea of chatting is to do it live, rather than leaving a message. Maybe live chatting is more important with gay men in case the messaging takes a, um, more, um, discreet turn. I don't know.

A couple of these men have led to the foundation of a nice friendship, however geographically challenging it might be. One even virtually held my hand while I was in Urgent Care for a recent appendicitis scare. (Turned out to be a torn, overworked muscle, but in the general area of my appendix. Better safe than sorry...and I'm grateful he was "there" when in reality he was about 250 miles away.)

Yet, whatever direction any of these conversations take, it will all be one new adventure.


  1. Succinct, profound and insightful. If only I could update my screening process to filter out #1-3. If you have any luck, please let me know!

    1. Thank you, Leti, for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I will definitely let you know if I'm successful in filtering out #s 1-3, short of throwing in the towel, that is.