Saturday, November 23, 2013

Separate Ways

It's funny how music can speak to you at different times.

I am not a real fan of rock bands. It's often hard for me to make out the lyrics among the very loud music.

However, there is one rock band I do like.


I mean, I like them enough to get their greatest hits, but not necessarily enough to get all their CDs, though I do confess to having one, Escape.

Shortly after my divorce, I was listening to the greatest hits CD when this line from the song, Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) jumped out:

Someday love will find you,
Break those chains that bind you

I play that song often when I need to remind myself not to give up hope on finding that someone special.

I had the CD on in my car the other day and the song came on. The lines jumped out again and this time a new feeling came along with them:
He's out there, I just need to break these chains that bind me. Not only do I need to break these chains, all these difficulties are something I need to go through to find him. We won't find each other until I do.

So, what are these chains I need to break?

The chains of self-acceptance, self-reliance, control and trust.

Self-acceptance has been difficult for me. As I posted recently, I have always seen myself through the eyes of others. I always tried to fit in at my new schools when my family moved, and invariably I wouldn't. The negative messages I received began to prey upon my self-esteem and now seem to be flaring up again.

Self-reliance is a two-edged sword. I am very good at it and also deflecting it at the same time. When I get sick, I keep going. The laundry and chores don't do themselves. The substitute doesn't do as good a job teaching my students as I do. The world doesn't stop, so why should I? My ex-husband would get a case of the sniffles and call in sick, watch television all day and play Camille. I needed to be on my deathbed to call in sick. Even then, I still fixed dinner and did what needed to be done. So, I can take care of myself when I'm sick. But, what about when I'm not? I have a hard time recognizing exactly how self-reliant I am. As I look back on these last three years after my ex-husband left, I have difficulty seeing the progress I've made. No, I have difficulty accepting the progress I've made. I have refinanced my house, I have reduced the amount of the other debt I have by over two-thirds, I have taken steps to make the house more mine, I have grieved the loss of my two dogs. I am still struggling financially a bit, but I have some breathing room. I have accomplished all this on my own!

Control comes in many guises. I don't see myself as a controlling person in that I want to control what others say or do, nor do I see myself controlling and manipulating others for my personal gain. I want to control what happens to me; I want to know I am safe. I don't go to haunted amusement parks because I don't like to be scared. I want to know what's going to happen. I want to know the airplane I am flying in will land safely. I want to know when I go out I will have a good time. Some of these things are in my control, some aren't. I can't control the weather, so I have to have to let go of that and trust the pilots. I can control if I am having a good time. If I'm not, I can change the situation or the venue, if possible.

Trust is a big issue with me right now. I've been hurt by so many people, both platonically and romantically, I find myself holding back in order to protect myself. It's invariable we will be hurt and often by people we love. Forgiveness is the key, so they say. I disagree, I say there's nothing to forgive, they made a decision to act on something, and we must move on with the consequences. Karma is it's own reward.

But, trust also implies trust of self. I have been diagnosed with GAD, General Anxiety Disorder. Anxiety can be manifested over the fear of the perception of what is going to happen and not being able to control it. Part of the reason I don't want to date right now is anxiety over many aspects of dating. But, I am learning that I can take care of myself and remove myself from an uncomfortable situation. When I realized the User just wanted me for his sexual plaything, I ended it.

Trust also involves believing things will work out the way they are supposed to, whether it's God, the Universe, Fate, Destiny or just whatever. My ex left, and my life is better off without him. I am learning to trust it will all work out for the better in the end.

It all comes down to just being where I am at the moment and accepting I am where I need to be right now, not worrying about the future, nor dwelling in the past.

I'm ending this post with this verse from another Journey song: Be Good to Yourself

When you can't give no more
They want it all but you gotta say no
I'm turnin' off the noise that makes me crazy
Lookin' back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to!

And that's what I'm doing, turning off the noise that makes me crazy so I can be good to myself. 

And continue my Journey.

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