I took the plunge and asked someone out.
No, not the cute plumber in the picture.
But, a guy who I suspected was showing some interest in me.
There were subtle signs; some seemingly exceptional customer service, a couple of hugs at his place of business, a couple of comments, "It's good to see you again"; "I'm sorry I'm so sweaty" (as he was giving me one of those hugs.)
As I am learning to be in the moment in most areas of my life, it's the dating moments that are the hardest. I know I've said I'm not looking, and while I still am not ACTIVELY LOOKING for a relationship, I will not look the other way when the Universe offers me something to look at. How else will I learn to navigate the treacherous waters of the dating pool? How else will I separate the wheat from the chaff; the goats from the sheep; the jackasses from the stallions? How else will I get to understand the enigma that is gay men? How else will I get to know myself better?
And here, I have learned a bit more about myself.
With the evidence mentioned above, I suspected he might be interested in going out. I began to think about what I would do if he asked me. Or, did I want to ask him? And from there my mind went into a million scenarios. I was no longer in the moment. I did feel drawn to him; yet, there was something nagging at me telling me this would not work as a relationship, that this was some kind of mismatch, and this was all before we'd even had any serious conversation or before I even found out if he was indeed gay. And I couldn't figure out why I was doing this, yet again.
Because old habits die hard.
Yes, he was cute, in an off-beat kind of way. And yet, I was still drawn to him, still believing anything serious wouldn't work. I thought about it, and realized I wasn't physically drawn to him; yet, I couldn't get him off my mind. Especially when I was home alone with all the time to let my mind wander. Then when I would see him, my gut instinct kicked in, "You still haven't found what you're looking for." Was I attracted to him because I thought he was a nice guy? Yes. Was I attracted to him just because I thought he was showing me some interest? Yes. Was I attracted to him physically? No.
So, when I meet men who seem nice, who may show some interest in me, maybe have a bit of conversation, though I may not be drawn to them physically, I'm off thinking we're settling in together, even though I sense a strong disconnect between us.
Red flags immediately went up!
Not wanting to compare the new guy to the ex, (after all, that's not fair) I decided I would just be in the moment and if I wanted to ask him out the next time I had the opportunity, I would. I would just let things develop, but I would be honest with myself, and with him. Yet, I was still questioning myself as to why I was doing this. I still wasn't sure of his interest in me; was I a client, or a potential boyfriend? And if he was interested in me as a boyfriend, was it fair to lead him on knowing it would have to end sometime?
It's this kind of thinking that keeps getting me in trouble, and I need to stop it. It keeps me from being hin the moment.
I had business at his establishment twice more, and the first of the two times, the opportunity to ask him didn't present itself.
This last time, it did.
Our transaction complete, and following some brief conversation, with my heart pounding and my mouth dry, I asked if he would be interested in meeting for coffee sometime, and he looked at me and said, "I'd love to, but I'm married." (I never saw that coming.) I said that was fine, it didn't matter, and he responded that just a cup of coffee couldn't hurt. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the best response, and I'm not sure what gender his spouse is, (though, a straight man would probably have said he was straight to avoid any possible misunderstanding).
Once he said he was married, a huge relief was lifted off my shoulders. While I realized I was not physically drawn to him, the attraction was still there. And the attraction was to his being a nice guy, a possible friend. His honesty and integrity of telling me upfront that he was married endeared him to me even more.We left it with the fact he has access to my number in my file at the business, and I suggested he call me. I felt awkward asking a married man for his number, even if my conscience was clear.
If he calls, he calls.
If he doesn't, at least I took the plunge and asked.
Because if you never ask, the answer is always, "No."