Perspective

San Fernando Mission, San Fernando CA

I love photos like these. Photos where your eye seems to be drawn to a specific point in the shot by the various lines the picture. These are the lines of perspective.

I had a bad day yesterday.

I love taking showers, but I hate them at the same time. As the warm water relaxes my head and body, it also relaxes my mind, causing it to wander, sometimes too far. And that's exactly what happened.

In the year and a half since my ex announced he wanted a divorce, I have made a lot of personal growth. I have acknowledged my strengths and owned them. I have accepted my weaknesses and worked on them. I have admitted to self-esteem issues and have begun to take them on. I have started on another path in my life and have realized that it scares me.  I have come to believe the Universe will bring me another husband, and I accept that it will happen in time when the Universe believes I am ready, not when I want it to happen.

San Fernando Mission, San Fernando CA

But as the warm pulsating water cascaded over my body and my mind wandered,  I began to doubt myself. Was all of this mere lip service? Was I saying all of this to my friends and readers just to save face?

The answer was 'yes'. I didn't really believe all that I was saying. I didn't really believe in myself. I would remain a confirmed old bachelor the rest of my life. At that moment, I wanted to dry myself off and crawl back into bed.

But I didn't. Crawl back into bed, I mean. I had my novel to edit, and errands to run. So, I dried myself off, and started on my day.

San Fernando Mission, San Fernando CA

As I went through my day of errands and editing (and playing with my four-legged kids) the fatigue and malaise were overwhelming. I couldn't seem to get myself going. Yet I persevered and accomplished everything I needed. Then it dawned on me why I was so exhausted. It was the last few weeks at work.

I had just finished Parent/Student/Teacher conference week!! And that meant grades were due the week before! Which meant I had to finish grading and entering all student work before that! And we were testing all second graders for possible gifted identification that same week, and as the GATE coordinator I had to prepare all the tests, and in-service the teachers on top of teaching all day. (I do get a stipend for this extra job, so there is some benefit. Well, this year at least.)

Plus, it's Spring and the students' hormones are kicking in. And the parents were disappointed in their grades. And I had to share with two families about possible emotional issues with their child. And I had to suspend a student.

No wonder I was doubting myself; I was physically and mentally exhausted. And that's what altered my lines of perspective. My exhaustion. God, I need Spring Break.

And today, after a decent night's sleep, though still still tired from last week, my perspective has indeed shifted back into place. I DO believe in fairies. Oh, wait, that's a line from "Peter Pan."

Yes, I do believe in myself again. I'll just need to keep my lines of perspective in check.

And get plenty of rest.