Saturday, August 27, 2011

Oh, to be a lizard

Sometimes I wish I were a lizard.

Well, not really. I'd actually prefer something larger, sleeker and powerful like an orca or a tiger, but I like being a human, most of the time.

Emotions can be a bitch.

You see, lizards aren't emotional. I mean, they do experience fear when they see a predator, but the predator is usually very stealthy, so the poor lizard usually doesn't see the predator, so the end is quick. And without fear.

Now, I'm not going to be all morose and hope my end is near, for I have begun to live again and am to meet the Man Across the Bridge. But, the lizard doesn't worry. The lizard knows the Universe will provide for it.

Since I know the Universe has someone for me, I also have to trust the Universe will provide for me. The lizard doesn't have a mortgage to pay for, or three aging animals with vet bills, or fuel to buy to get to work, or school supplies, or... You get the picture.

Letting go of my ex wasn't as easy as I thought, but I'm well on my way. I am still processing the toxic waste, and feeling greater every day. :) But, letting go enough to trust the Universe to take care of my finances is another matter. It's very difficult to surrender and trust. It was a problem for me when I was a practicing Christian during my teen years. Let go, Let God was a familiar chant from the others in my churches. It wasn't easy, especially for someone whose life had been very unstable as a young child. I needed the stability of knowing what I wanted would be provided.

In my early gay adulthood, I stumbled across a group for gay evangelical Christians. I joined and made some friends. I also fell in love with someone who had been a good friend, but seemed to be hesitant to begin anything with me as he was just coming out. I was deeply in love with him, and decided to wait until he fell in love with me. Why? I had seen a calendar in another friend's apartment and one month's heading said "God's Delays are not God's Denials." I had been praying for him to love me and believed he would in time. He did end up loving me, but as a friend. I guess I wasn't specific enough.

I have a spare room for rent, and an ad placed with an agency, and after two weeks, there have been three text message inquiries. So, maybe it's not the right time for me to have a roommate, or the right way to find one. Yet, it's difficult not to worry about finances. The rest of the world worries; stock markets and commodity markets react wildly to world events, so why shouldn't I, a single gay man, worry about my situation? I do. But I have survived this first year post-divorce okay with some adjustments. There have been some small surprise windfalls along the way to keep me afloat which gives me the courage to begin to trust a little more.

I just have to go back to my mantra, 'Everything happens for a reason at the time it's supposed to.'

Maybe the Universe will tell me when to buy a Lottery Ticket. (just kidding)

[still, it couldn't hurt]


  1. Touching, Jeff. I really feel where you're coming from. :-). -Jim

  2. Thanks, Jim. Glad you liked it. :)

  3. You're upwardly bound, Jeff. Somehow the sun seems to always come up the next morning and the world keeps moving forward. As a friend of mine (Native American) said once when talking about the things done to his family and ancestors, "it is never over." Things always come around even though they often do it in a timeframe we have no control over. I guess the hardest lesson is learning to trust in the Universe or Higher Power to see that things work out in the end.

  4. Dave,

    Thank you for your comment, and yes it is harder to trust in a Higher Power that things will work out, especially in a situation the world needs from you, i.e., money. I've begun to let go in other areas, which may be the first step to total surrender.

    Thanks again,

  5. Well, I should be your roommate. How much would it cost me per month?

  6. Magno,

    I'm asking $850/month plus half the Electric bill due to the Air Conditioning being so expensive.