Today, Aug. 15, marks an interesting anniversary of sorts.
It is one year ago today I received a certain email from a certain someone.
He wanted to end our marriage a year and ten months after we were legally married, which, ironically, was also his idea. Is there anger? Yes and no. There is anger at being left with three senior animals and the responsibilities that accompany them, aging or not. There is anger at being left with a mortgage and struggling financially on a single paycheck. There is anger in the way he chose to disclose his decision. I have come to accept his reason for doing so, but that doesn't make it right, in my eyes.
There is no more anger at his leaving, not now anyway. I have let that anger go for I have become a better person:
I am relieved. I am relieved of not having to take care of someone else. I don't mean as one spouse would care for an ailing spouse, but having to be the adult to the child.
I am hopeful. I am hopeful for a better future. No, that implies I'm waiting for it to happen instead of taking steps to make it happen in as much as the Universe allows me to make things happen. I am sensing a better future is in store.
I am strong. I have uncovered inner strength that had been lying dormant a lot of the time because things were good. Sort of. But things are better now.
I am happy. I am happy with the direction my life is going. I know I will have another relationship, I can sense it. And it will be with someone who can take care of me, we can be adults or children together, or one to the other, and it will be ok.
I am proud. I am proud of who I have become. My inner Christian says, "Wait. Pride is a sin" and "It comes before a fall." But, that is about boastful pride and I don't feel boastful about where I am now. I feel reflective.
But touching on my inner Christian reminded me of a little figurine I had: It was of a man's head coming out of a large rock all on a pedestal. The inscription read "Please be patient, God is not finished with me, yet!" My figurine today would be of me emerging, perhaps out of a cocoon, or something similar, with the inscription, "Please be patient, I am not finished with myself, yet!"
No you're not! You have come a long way, and I'm honored that you have entrusted me with your thoughts and feelings. I am so blessed to have a friend like you.
ReplyDeleteNo, chula, I am not finished, and I hope to never be finished discovering myself. I am honored that you and all the others read this blog. My only hope is that it helps someone else. I am blessed to have you in my life.
ReplyDeletePaz,
Jeff
Happy unanniversary - you have survived and grown so much over this past year. And, no, you are not finished...we're all works in progress. And the key, as you said, is patience - and as they say, patience is a virtue - and it is indeed! Keep up the good work and releasing some of that anger is so wonderful. Keep going...
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sunny, I will. And you keep going as well.
ReplyDeleteIn my comment yesterday, I meant to say keep growing (not keep going) and I know you will - and I will try also. I can only hope to attain your level of self-awareness - you have set a wonderful example.
ReplyDeleteSunny,
ReplyDeleteThank you. I knew what you meant; 'going' and 'growing' both imply a positive forward direction. I'll leave you with this:
"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."
~Wayne Dyer
That's right - Excuses Begone! Thank you - I'm a big fan!
ReplyDeleteWow, it looks like you talk about your ex in 99% of your postings..
ReplyDeleteMagno,
ReplyDeleteMaybe 90%.
It takes me time to get over someone, especially when they treat me as badly as he did at the end.
J