I have found some interesting allies in my same-sex divorce.
Lat week, I stopped at the bank to open a single-signer account and talk about closing the joint ones. The woman who helped me was very supportive, and this week I went in to order checks. She asked me how things were going. I told her he was moving out this week, she was surprised at how soon it was all happening and after our talk, she told me she knew something better was on the horizon for me.
I called my insurance company to remove the ex- from the homeowners' and my car policies. After going through all the information and removing him, (it didn't lower my premium, damn!) she realized the policy didn't list us as "married." I explained that I never was fully aware of all the legalities that came with marriage, since it was still new to me, I never thought to call them and change our status. She understood my situation but was furious that people still want to deny others the same legal rights they enjoy.
A colleague I see infrequently asked me the other day how my summer went. I told her. She never met my ex-. But, she could not understand why anyone would leave me. I'm such a sweet person.
It's true. Divorce brings out the true colors in people. And you find allies in the most interesting places.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Craziness
Divorce makes us do crazy things.
I have never liked tattoos. Don't get me wrong, the art can be beautiful, and obviously meaningful to the recipient. But I like seeing skin the color it was meant to be.
I am considering getting one to celebrate my impending divorce; a phoenix. Through all this pain, anger and hurt, there is hope. I see myself in the future; better, bolder and stronger than before. But the trouble is where do I want it?
I am getting older. My body is changing, going through the changes of an old man. Personal grooming may become a necessity depending on where I put it.
I want to see the tattoo, so anywhere out of my line of vision is out of the question, so no to the back, and butt. My inside forearm, yeah, that's possible. On one of my pecs is also a possibility, but left or right? And then there's size. Yes, it will matter, because of cost. I won't have a lot of discretionary income until my budget adjusts to the lack of income from my soon-to-be-ex-husband.
I guess I'm crazy. And have a lot to think about.
I have never liked tattoos. Don't get me wrong, the art can be beautiful, and obviously meaningful to the recipient. But I like seeing skin the color it was meant to be.
I am considering getting one to celebrate my impending divorce; a phoenix. Through all this pain, anger and hurt, there is hope. I see myself in the future; better, bolder and stronger than before. But the trouble is where do I want it?
I am getting older. My body is changing, going through the changes of an old man. Personal grooming may become a necessity depending on where I put it.
I want to see the tattoo, so anywhere out of my line of vision is out of the question, so no to the back, and butt. My inside forearm, yeah, that's possible. On one of my pecs is also a possibility, but left or right? And then there's size. Yes, it will matter, because of cost. I won't have a lot of discretionary income until my budget adjusts to the lack of income from my soon-to-be-ex-husband.
I guess I'm crazy. And have a lot to think about.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sadness, part 2
I don't know what to do about a friend.
Out of the blue, my husband asked for a divorce. I had no indication something was amiss. Once he had made up his mind he turned to a friend of his from their college days.
She and I became close through the course of the relationship I had with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I certainly can understand seeking advice from a friend. I've done it myself. What I can't understand, and I guess I never will, is why not talk to me first?
He went to her once he made up his mind. Maybe he turned to her for advice; should he end it? Maybe he turned to her to validate his feelings; is he doing the right thing?
My point is if he could turn to her once he made up his mind, he valued her more than me at that time.
He spends a lot of time with her, and tells me she wants to continue to be in my life as my friend. She cares for me as well. I don't know that I can be in her life. I am convinced she did not meddle in any way between us. She is not that type of person. The truth is she is a good person. I will miss her.
How I see it is like this: He stole the opportunity to save my marriage from me and, in a way, gave it to her. From his point of view, it wasn't worth saving as he had crossed into the point of no return. He now loves me as a friend, no longer as a husband. She is now in the middle. When he walks out that door, he has lost all rights to know anything about me. She lives close enough to come and rescue the dogs and cat if I were to become hospitalized, or otherwise detained from getting home. But, can she refrain from telling him anything? Only she can say. I guess the ball is actually in her court.
Out of the blue, my husband asked for a divorce. I had no indication something was amiss. Once he had made up his mind he turned to a friend of his from their college days.
She and I became close through the course of the relationship I had with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I certainly can understand seeking advice from a friend. I've done it myself. What I can't understand, and I guess I never will, is why not talk to me first?
He went to her once he made up his mind. Maybe he turned to her for advice; should he end it? Maybe he turned to her to validate his feelings; is he doing the right thing?
My point is if he could turn to her once he made up his mind, he valued her more than me at that time.
He spends a lot of time with her, and tells me she wants to continue to be in my life as my friend. She cares for me as well. I don't know that I can be in her life. I am convinced she did not meddle in any way between us. She is not that type of person. The truth is she is a good person. I will miss her.
How I see it is like this: He stole the opportunity to save my marriage from me and, in a way, gave it to her. From his point of view, it wasn't worth saving as he had crossed into the point of no return. He now loves me as a friend, no longer as a husband. She is now in the middle. When he walks out that door, he has lost all rights to know anything about me. She lives close enough to come and rescue the dogs and cat if I were to become hospitalized, or otherwise detained from getting home. But, can she refrain from telling him anything? Only she can say. I guess the ball is actually in her court.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Sadness, part 1
How does one announce the end of a marriage, or does one? Do you tell only a few close friends and family? post it on Facebook or MySpace? blog about it? all of the above?
Yet, that is what I must do. Out of the blue my husband announces to me he wants out. No warning, no suspicious behavior, I saw nothing. Was I blind? Perhaps. I noticed some distance the last couple of weeks. I asked and was told it was summer jitters over the new school year. (I had them, too. I am changing grade levels, again. So, that made sense.) But, it seems he had been feeling a little different about me for about a year and still never said anything to me about any possible problem. And he insisted I did nothing wrong, it is simply his problem. We didn't have a problem, he did. Therefore, I couldn't have helped even if he had told me. Bullsh*t. We were a couple, it was our problem.
Yet, why he could still not tell me he had been struggling bothers me. Oddly enough, he did talk to two of our friends, one of his closest straight girl friends from college, and a gay male friend who had been through a recent break-up. But, he talked with them only after he had come to the conclusion it was time to go. He valued their help more than mine. Slap me in the face, why don't you? (It turns out, she insisted he take us to counseling, but no, he wouldn't go. And the gay male friend, he was the dumpee, not the dumper. So he was more sympathetic to my position, than to my ex-'s. Both did advise him to proceed with caution, because once he starts there's no turning back.) He also told another friend, more so to alert her, so she could check in on me and make sure I was doing ok. He thought of everything, isn't he sweet? Too bad he didn't think of talking to me first.
So, instead, he sends me a letter. From the sofa. In this letter, ok, an email, he tells me what's been bothering him lately. He can talk to friends, but not to me. I get an email. He does explain why; he needed to write down his feelings first, so he would be clear and focused. I get that, I really do. But to send it in an email, does he not have the decency to at least read it to me in person? WTF? Am I that horrible of a person he can't tell me; first, we have a problem, and second, asks for a divorce via email?
So, his feelings for me have changed. That was it. He now loves me as a friend (gods, I hate that phrase) and is hoping we can remain friends after all this. I don't think so. Not immediately anyway, if at all. I have only two men in my life I consider an 'ex-'. And one I never actually got to call a lover, let alone a boyfriend. We were sooo spiritually, and intellectually connected; but never physical nor emotional (well, not the same emotional level anyway.) He was just coming out and still felt he had some exploring to do, there was something about a leather fantasy, I think. So, I was just a real good friend who was helping him through a difficult yet exciting time. (Out of curiosity, I googled him some 15 years later and he is living in another state with his husband who probably looks as good in leather as Don Knotts would have.) My only other 'ex-' is a real 'ex-'. We lived together for about 7 of our 8 years together before he passed away, a month before our 8th anniversary. So, I do not have a collection of 'exes' like many of my gay brethren. When you walk out on me, it is for good.
One other point my soon-to-be ex-husband brought up in his decision to end our marriage; he never had the experience of being on his own. He left his parents' home after high school, lived alone for a while, moved back home, found some roommates and subsequently moved between roommates and his parents again and again until he moved in with me. Now he wants to live alone? Maybe he was too young. He was 20, I was 37. Ironically, he is now the age I was when we first met. I already had lived alone. Now, I was looking forward to not living alone, ever. Now I get to. Maybe. I will need help with the house. (Alimony?)
So, he says he simply fell out of love with me. After 15 years? With two years' legal recognition? We were legally married before Proposition 8 was passed. We were one of the 18,000 couples the California Supreme Court refused to invalidate. Bless them. Now, he is invalidating us. Curse him.
Ok, I actually don't want to curse him. You know, bad karma and all. And living well is the best revenge.
Yet, that is what I must do. Out of the blue my husband announces to me he wants out. No warning, no suspicious behavior, I saw nothing. Was I blind? Perhaps. I noticed some distance the last couple of weeks. I asked and was told it was summer jitters over the new school year. (I had them, too. I am changing grade levels, again. So, that made sense.) But, it seems he had been feeling a little different about me for about a year and still never said anything to me about any possible problem. And he insisted I did nothing wrong, it is simply his problem. We didn't have a problem, he did. Therefore, I couldn't have helped even if he had told me. Bullsh*t. We were a couple, it was our problem.
Yet, why he could still not tell me he had been struggling bothers me. Oddly enough, he did talk to two of our friends, one of his closest straight girl friends from college, and a gay male friend who had been through a recent break-up. But, he talked with them only after he had come to the conclusion it was time to go. He valued their help more than mine. Slap me in the face, why don't you? (It turns out, she insisted he take us to counseling, but no, he wouldn't go. And the gay male friend, he was the dumpee, not the dumper. So he was more sympathetic to my position, than to my ex-'s. Both did advise him to proceed with caution, because once he starts there's no turning back.) He also told another friend, more so to alert her, so she could check in on me and make sure I was doing ok. He thought of everything, isn't he sweet? Too bad he didn't think of talking to me first.
So, instead, he sends me a letter. From the sofa. In this letter, ok, an email, he tells me what's been bothering him lately. He can talk to friends, but not to me. I get an email. He does explain why; he needed to write down his feelings first, so he would be clear and focused. I get that, I really do. But to send it in an email, does he not have the decency to at least read it to me in person? WTF? Am I that horrible of a person he can't tell me; first, we have a problem, and second, asks for a divorce via email?
So, his feelings for me have changed. That was it. He now loves me as a friend (gods, I hate that phrase) and is hoping we can remain friends after all this. I don't think so. Not immediately anyway, if at all. I have only two men in my life I consider an 'ex-'. And one I never actually got to call a lover, let alone a boyfriend. We were sooo spiritually, and intellectually connected; but never physical nor emotional (well, not the same emotional level anyway.) He was just coming out and still felt he had some exploring to do, there was something about a leather fantasy, I think. So, I was just a real good friend who was helping him through a difficult yet exciting time. (Out of curiosity, I googled him some 15 years later and he is living in another state with his husband who probably looks as good in leather as Don Knotts would have.) My only other 'ex-' is a real 'ex-'. We lived together for about 7 of our 8 years together before he passed away, a month before our 8th anniversary. So, I do not have a collection of 'exes' like many of my gay brethren. When you walk out on me, it is for good.
One other point my soon-to-be ex-husband brought up in his decision to end our marriage; he never had the experience of being on his own. He left his parents' home after high school, lived alone for a while, moved back home, found some roommates and subsequently moved between roommates and his parents again and again until he moved in with me. Now he wants to live alone? Maybe he was too young. He was 20, I was 37. Ironically, he is now the age I was when we first met. I already had lived alone. Now, I was looking forward to not living alone, ever. Now I get to. Maybe. I will need help with the house. (Alimony?)
So, he says he simply fell out of love with me. After 15 years? With two years' legal recognition? We were legally married before Proposition 8 was passed. We were one of the 18,000 couples the California Supreme Court refused to invalidate. Bless them. Now, he is invalidating us. Curse him.
Ok, I actually don't want to curse him. You know, bad karma and all. And living well is the best revenge.
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