Comfort Zones

Comfort zones exist for two reasons:

1. To keep us comfortable and therefore safe;
2. To show us how we are limiting ourselves and therefore stuck.

You could say it’s a matter of perspective. We can either stay comfortable and stuck, or break them and grow through the discomfort and “stuckness.”

I was confronted by this dilemma twice just this month.

I have lived alone for nearly eight years. I have not been on a date for nearly seven years and even then I wasn’t sure some of them were actual dates in that sense of the word. I have not spent a significant amount of time with one person, other than friends, since my ex left.

I think I’ve blown my comfort zones wide open. And I’m very uncomfortable. Which might be the point.

I spent a considerable amount of time with a single gay man a couple of weeks or so ago. As we were somewhat newly acquainted, there was little we knew about each other except what we’d shared through our common interest in writing. This was an entirely different setting as it was quite removed from our normal writing sessions. Going into the day, I found myself in his head trying to figure out what he might be thinking. I realized this was a big mistake as I had to also wonder where I was at this juncture in my life. I tried grounding myself to remain in the moment by focusing on the fact we were simply two friends, one helping the other. It wasn’t easy as this was new territory for me-the being out with him, not the helping. I believe I succeeded. In staying grounded, that is. Otherwise, I might have been headed into an anxiety attack of cyclonic proportions.

A recent acquaintance found herself in a desperate situation; she was in need of a temporary place to stay.

I live alone in a four bedroom house which, post-divorce, I have spent some time and money to make mine, all mine, and I’m just not ready for someone to be in my space. 

Over the years since the divorce, several people have suggested the obvious; spare rooms equal extra money. I take it they are focused on the material situation, money equals freedom, happiness and a rainy day slush fund. They’re not taking my feelings into account. They’re thinking money, money, money. (Wasn’t there an ABBA song with this title?)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

From my perspective I see an invasion of privacy, the added responsibilities of being a landlord, a possible change to my routine, a huge adaptation to accommodating someone else’s ways of doing things, the necessity of learning to set and reinforce boundaries.

I also see a challenge. A HUGE challenge. Or growth opportunity; yeah, okay, whichever.

Yet, I began to think “What if I were to meet someone who valued me just as I am and accepted my eccentricities? What if he saw my age, not as a hindrance, but as wisdom? How could I get used to being with someone who wanted to be with me for the rest of my life, nearly twenty-four hours a day seven days a week three hundred sixty-five days a year for approximately the next thirty years?”

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I say you can, it just takes the old dog a little longer, not because of dementia or Alzheimer’s, but because change is hard and relearning years of ingrained habits is not easy. So, the older the dog, the harder it will be and the longer it may take.

What if the Universe is trying to tell me something?

I now have a temporary roommate.

Gods help me.

Yes, there is an ABBA song: "Money, Money, Money"

Swan

Recently, I stated that I feel I’ve been repeating some topics. I mean after writing this blog for a number of years, that’s bound to happen, right? Especially, since life is simultaneously linear and spiral. 

I mean, life moves forward in time-birthdays are prime evidence of that, that’s linear. Life’s lessons often come back around to us as we move forward in time, especially if we didn't learn them the first time, and then we can take the lessons deeper when we are ready to. In teacher talk, we call this a "spiraling curriculum."

For example, we might learn about money when our parents give us an allowance, and we learn that it can bring instant gratification. "I can buy what I want to be happy, now." Through life we continue to learn the ups and downs of money. We might first run into credit issues in our early twenties or thirties. Anyway, I’m rambling from my intended post...

I’ve decided to maybe switch up some of the topics I’ve been writing about.

Also, it’s no secret I believe in synchronicities. And that they happen for a reason.

In my recent post Oracles, I talked about some decks of cards I often use to help me move forward when I get stuck on something. 

I went to one of the decks-okay, the app on my phone, Stephen Farmer’s Power Animal Oracle Cards-for some motivation. I scrolled through the face-down deck, and tapped the back of a card and it turned over, Swan. I’ve encountered Swan before, and incidentally she is the only Spirit Guide in my menagerie that a shaman saw with me. The others have all come to me on their own whether through meditations or shamanic journeying. I was grateful for the reminder of Swan’s message, closed the app and went about my day applying that message to my activities. 

The next day, I opened the app, scrolled the deck randomly and tapped the card I was drawn to. Swan, again. Hmmm...

Maybe it’s something I truly need to focus on. Or, maybe this is the message I’m supposed to share here. 

Both, probably.

Swans are beautiful and graceful birds. 

Swan reminds us to look for the beauty and grace around us. Fair enough; not many of us stop to smell the flowers, watch the grace of birds in flight, or bask in the beauty of a full moon. 

Ugly duckling or cute cygnet?

Like the story The Ugly Duckling, Swan also reminds us of the beauty and grace within us as well, reminding us we are more than what we seem to be, even to ourselves. We often don’t give ourselves credit for the internal strength we have. How many difficult situations have we faced and survived, even if we were somewhat bruised in the process without stopping to reflect on the fact we made it? How often do we focus on our negative qualities, and not accept our positive ones? How often do we accept friendly criticism, yet find sincere compliments difficult or embarrassing?

Appearances can be, and often are, deceiving. Not only physical appearances of people, but the appearance of a place, or an experience can turn out differently than expected. How many times have the most tatted, pierced people been the kindest while the prim and properly groomed ones have been the rudest and the meanest? Or the tiniest, hole-in-the-wall restaurants have had the best food? I can think of a couple of stage productions everyone raved about that I found to be quite unimpressive. Therefore, Swan also reminds us of the beauty and grace within others as well.

In Celtic symbolism, Swan can receive the energies and messages from the Great Spirit due to their great wingspan. Thus, she also represents the connection to the Great Spirit, similar to Eagle in Native American symbolism, therefore representing spiritual awakening. Other associations with Swan are transformation (the Ugly Duckling, again) and monogamy as swans mate for life and are devoted partners.

Swan's message is indeed a powerful reminder of who we, and others, truly are. Both, inside and out. But, we just need to stop and appreciate that beauty and grace.

Especially, our own.

These swans were separated due to illness and susequently reunited, such swan sweetness!

For more information on Swan and her message, click here.

Earthmagic.net

A Purple Coffee Maker

Public transportation can provide a treasure trove of characters for writers. Over the years that I’ve ridden the busses and trains of LA’s public transportation system, quite a few have introduced themselves.

A few have even remained in my treasure chest, waiting to be integrated into a story idea.

• The elderly lady in fur coat and the tea green colored pant suit with matching turban perching imperiously on a suitcase on Hollywood Blvd;
• The young man gracefully combining ballet and pole dancing on the subway;
• The rather large teenager rocking out to his favorite jam, complete with air guitar and ear buds.

I met a new one this past weekend.

I had gone out with a friend who was new to the city to teach him the ins and outs of the subway system and we decided to explore downtown LA, affectionately now known as DTLA. After an enjoyable lunch and invigorating 4 mile walk taking in many of the sights in DTLA, we decided it was time to head back to the Valley where we live. We boarded the subway at one of the DTLA stops, sitting in two seats near the middle doors of the car and began the 25 minute ride to the end of the line. A few stops later, a woman boarded our car at the forward doors. What struck me initially as she made her way down the aisle toward us, was the fact the she had not one but two shopping carts; the personal kind commonly used by people walking long distances with groceries or laundry. However, hers were small but quite full. She also had positioned a clear backpack on one of the carts. She wore a thick coat, grayish in color with a matching headband pulling her short graying hair away from her face. She was managing her possessions as best she could, pushing one cart while pulling the other, struggling to keep the backpack on the cart and not on another passenger as the train lurched along the tracks. 

While maneuvering her way through the aisle, she scanned the rear of the car hoping for a seat which would accommodate her and her belongings. Finding none to her liking, she decided to remain standing in the center of the car near us, with her luggage by her side, the backpack still perched precariously on its cart. 

I glanced at her belongings; a plastic water bottle hung from the handle of one of the carts; both of which contained several items of neatly folded and carefully stacked clothing. A large calculator sealed in a plastic bag was pressed against the side of one of the carts. At first I thought she might be homeless, with her carts and all. Yet, as she drew closer, I dismissed that judgment as her clothes were clean; her face appeared recently washed; her hair was simply and neatly pulled back from her face and none of her possessions showed any effects of having been on the street for an extended period of time. I re-assessed that she was simply traveling with a lot of items. As I observed her and her possessions, it was then I noticed something else.

Nearly everything she had was purple! The water bottle was a deep shade of eggplant. Her coat and matching headband were not gray, but a pale lavender. Many of the clothes in her carts were shades of purple from lilac and orchid to grape and plum. But what made me laugh silently to myself was the calculator; it, too, was purple! Plain, ordinary, everyday purple.

I leaned to my friend and whispered, “She must have a color fetish!” He chuckled.

As the train came to a stop, a woman seated in one of the other seats near us, disembarked and the Lady in Purple moved to take her place. She maneuvered one cart onto the seat closest to the aisle, staking claim to it, while grabbing the other one so it wouldn’t roll away, pulling it onto the single seat in front of her. Her backpack fell into the aisle near me, and I reached over to help her retrieve it.

“You must love purple,” I said to her, handing her the backpack as she sat down, her cart between us.

“A little too much,” she replied somewhat sheepishly, yet grinning.

“Have you heard of The Purple Store?” I asked.

“There’s a purple store?” She replied, her eyes widening, her grin spreading from one ear to the other, as if she’d won the lottery.

“Yes, unfortunately, it’s in Seattle,” I answered, afraid I was disappointing her of a new plum purchase. "And everything they have is purple! Even kitchen appliances!" 

She gasped! “Things for the kitchen? And it’s in Seattle? I have family all over Seattle, Bellingham, Spokane, and there’s another town, starts with a  ‘C.’ Why haven’t they told me about this?” I could picture her contacting her relatives chastising them for not providing her with this source of a new amethyst acquisition. “So, I could just Google it?” She asked, hope returning to her voice.

“Yes, I’m sure you could.”

“Oh, I’m so happy to run into you today! Thank you!” She replied, giggling like a young school girl. I smiled and returned to my seat.

As our train pulled into the final stop, I asked the Lady in Purple if she needed help taking her belongings upstairs.

“Oh, no, honey. I was just tired of standing on the platform waiting for the train; I’m taking this one back the other way.” The young school girl in her giggled again as if she was getting away with something. I smiled at her ingenuity.

She clapped her hands, giggling again, “I’m so happy to have met you! Have a nice day!”

“And you as well,” I answered, smiling.

My friend and I disembarked.

Sometimes, it takes so little to make someone’s day. In this case, a simple comment about her favorite color.

And where she could buy more of it.

Like a purple coffee maker.

I can't verify if this is still available. I believe it must be; somewhere, somehow.

To visit the Purple Store, click here.

Oracles

The Oracle at Delphi

As I have been navigating this Dark Night of the Soul these last few years, I’ve tried whatever I’ve needed to remain positive. Well, whatever that was legal and safe. Lately, I’ve turned to oracles to help reframe my thoughts and attitude.

No, I have not traveled to consult the Oracle at Delphi. Is she even still in business after all these centuries?

I have turned to something a bit more convenient and quite less expensive; oracle cards. Well, these aren’t exactly oracle cards in the typical sense in that they don’t foretell the future, but offer affirmations to focus on, or positive thoughts to reframe one’s thinking.

I have two decks that I have begun using; I’ve had Power Animal Oracle Cards by Stephen Farmer, Ph.D., as an app on my phone for many years (See, I said it was much less expensive than flying to Greece!). Over the years, through meditation and other experiences, I’ve met several animal spirit guides. I’ve researched their meanings and lessons and have found them to resonate very deeply with me. When I feel stuck, I often consult this app for an idea, a direction, or simply a thought for the day to focus on. Most of the time, it’s right on the money, other times I need to dig a bit, but find it is still useful advice.

I also believe in synchronicities. After my recent post, Take it or Leave It, I turned to the app for a card, and up came Moose, a card I can’t recall ever seeing before. The lesson behind Moose is “You know what is best for you. You are the authority of your own life.”  Wasn’t that the theme of that particular post? So, was this a confirmation? A few days later in the same week, I had an appointment to see my therapist where I had planned on sharing this card as it was a recent theme we’d been discussing, which in turn, had led to that post. While waiting, I pulled out the app again, and tapped on the "simple reading" icon. Moose randomly came up again, strengthening the earlier message and confirmation! And how synchronistic that I was about to share that particular card with my therapist! It all came full circle! 

(To be honest, I don’t know how the individual lessons came to be associated with that particular animal, but the message from Moose was certainly apropos and timely as I’d just written about it!)

The other deck I came across more recently is The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein which I’d cited in my other recent post, Obstacles. I originally stumbled on a video of a talk Ms. Bernstein was giving which resonated with me. Unfortunately, I can’t locate that video even with all this technology at my fingertips. I saw this deck of cards in yet a different video, which raised my interest in the cards, and then subsequently in her book by the same name-which is now on my nightstand, and eventually led me to her website.

As I sense I am repeating topics lately, I may pull a card from one of the decks for my own affirmation and reframing, work with it, possibly write about it, and see where this leads me.

Blinderman Trail, Franklin Canyon Park

Both decks of cards are available on Amazon.com

For more information on Gabrielle Bernstein, click here.

For more information on Stephen Farmer, click here.

Obstacles

I received a lovely gift this past Christmas. It was a gratitude journal published by Timber Hawkeye of Buddhist Boot Camp, an organization I sometimes check in with and have referenced here a few times. The pages are pre-printed to facilitate a quick daily fill-in-the-blank entry without overtaxing the brain. I think I take less than ten minutes each day in filling it out and I do so nearly every morning before getting out of bed. There is a page after each Sunday entry for a weekly recap. One of the points on Sunday’s recap is to write down a favorite piece of advice or word of wisdom that you heard that week, or that still resonates with you.

One piece I recently came across was “Obstacles are detours in the right direction.”

Let’s think about that. How many times have we driven down a road to find some kind of a detour? It might be a detour around an accident, construction or some other activity. Recently, many streets in Hollywood were blocked off for the Academy Awards. The other day, there was police activity on a neighboring street and people were being detoured around it due to the active investigation. Aside from the Academy Awards hoopla, most detours are for our own safety.

We pay attention to the road when we drive. After all, our well-being is at stake, as well as the well-being of other motorists and pedestrians. Physical property is also a concern, whether it is our own vehicle or the property of others. (Well, we should pay attention to the road, but people are still distracted with texting and phoning others. But, that's another issue.) Yet, how much attention do we pay to that other road we travel on through this journey called life? I don’t think we pay as much attention as we should.

And if we did, what obstacles would we encounter there?

I look back at the last few years of my teaching career. Students were becoming more unruly, even downright disrespectful and it was getting worse every year. These were definitely obstacles telling me I was headed in the wrong direction. I decided to make a change and take that leap of faith and retire earlier than I had financially planned on. But, I am much happier as I have no pressures on me in regards to things I must do by a certain time. I am responsible to no one but myself. How liberating!

As I reflect on those years, the obstacles were there earlier than I acknowledged.

What were those obstacles?

• Malaise
• Unhappiness
• Stress
• Apathy
• Fatigue
• Fear

We usually think of obstacles as being something physical; a detour sign, traffic cones, police tape. But, couldn't our emotions serve as a type of obstacle, a sign that something isn't right? 

Yes, I was caught up in my fear of the unknown of what would happen if I did retire sooner than I had anticipated.

One other piece of advice I’d heard before was “Leap and the net will appear.” I needed that faith that all would be okay. But, I leapt anyway, I trusted it would be okay. And the net has appeared.

We all doubt. It’s normal; it’s human. And that’s what we are, normal human beings.

Yet, how many times have we made faith-testing/gut-wrenching decisions and it’s turned out okay?

• Starting or leaving a relationship?
• Changing careers?
• Moving across the state, country or planet? 

Fear is one of our strongest emotions. Fear that it won’t be okay. Fear that I won’t know what I’m doing. Fear of "what if..." Fear leads to doubt; of self, of others, of change. Doubt also leads to "I’d better stay here where I’m comfortable, because I know where I am. I’m safe."

This is the ego talking, “I’m safe, in spite of the pain.” “I’m comfortable, in spite of being unhappy.” This isn’t the inflated ego of self-importance or self-aggrandizement; this is the ego of Freud. The ego that analyzes, that can over-intellectualize, that protects us from harm, that often keeps us from taking risks-those risks needed for our own growth.

This ego is one of our biggest obstacles, if not the biggest obstacle we must get around.

And if we can, I believe we can be back on the road again to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Image of "Obstacles are Detours in the Right Direction" is from "The Universe Has Your Back, a 52 card deck" (c) 2017 Gabrielle Bernstein, Hay House Pubs. www.gabbybernstein.com
Artwork by Micaela Ezra, www.micaelaezra.com

The Mahalo Daily Gratitude Journal is available on Amazon.com

https://www.buddhistbootcamp.com/ 

Take It or Leave It

I grew up somewhat sheltered. Well, very sheltered.

I’ll never get over the first time I was offered some weed. I was 14 or 15. It was Halloween night 1971 or ‘72, and I had gone out with two female friends from my Bible Study group. Being good Christian kids we weren’t out to cause problems, just hang out. We headed over to a park where we just sat and talked with only a few lights from the street and neighboring houses illuminating the area. A few minutes later, a boy from our school came by, said “Hey” and walked a little away. A few moments later, he pulled a plastic bag from his jacket pocket, and from what I could tell by the scant light and my naïveté, began rolling a joint. I was in shock, as I had heard of weed but never expected to encounter it way out in the middle-class suburbs where we were living. And from someone my own age! My face must have registered my shock, but he did what any gracious host would do and offered me a hit. I politely declined and my friends and I left shortly after.

My second exposure to weed was a few years later during my first year at college. I had been assigned to a co-ed dorm at Occidental College in Los Angeles, California. These new living arrangements had already elevated my anxiety due to my Christian upbringing. But, I knew right from wrong and vowed not to yield to sin. The dorms at Occidental were co-ed by section; most dorms designated certain floors for one gender only, or in my dorm’s case, the north half was all women and the men lived in the south half. The lobby separated the halves on the ground floor, while a door separated the halves upstairs. My room was next to this door. It seemed the two rooms across from mine, both single rooms, were occupied by stoners. They would close their room doors and smoke all night with the lovely pungent aroma drifting into the hallway. The women would close the hallway door effectively trapping the smoke in that corner in front of my door. Many nights I would come up the stairs and walk to my room through a haze of pot smoke and end up with a major headache, and a possible contact high. 

Fast forward to a few years later after I’ve met my first partner and his friends. They were heavier into pot as well as cocaine. My first instincts were to flee, but as I pointed out in another post, I finally had a boyfriend and was happy. I was seeing a therapist at the time who kept telling me I couldn’t save the world in spite of my Christian obligation to do so, but I could only save myself. She directed me to Al-Anon as a supplement to our regular sessions.

(For those unfamiliar with Al-Anon, it is not the same as Alcoholics Anonymous, commonly referred to as AA. Al-Anon is for family members and friends of substance abusers to aid us in identifying our enabling character traits in order to empower us to take what steps we need for our own sanity and control of our own lives.)

I found a somewhat local gay group (we didn’t use the term LGBTQ… in the olden days) and went to my first meeting. I attended frequently for approximately six months and learned much about myself. One piece of advice, or wisdom, that stuck with me is “Take what you like and leave the rest.” In other words, take only what advice, help or other pearls of wisdom that resonate with you and ignore what doesn’t. It’s kind of like shopping, you should only buy what you need. 

I’m learning to apply that advice to all of life.

When I scroll through social media, I’ll look only at what pertains to me at that time. Otherwise, I might end up spending too much time or becoming severely depressed over the news items.

As I read articles on spirituality, and specifically the paths I’m trying to blend, some of the information can be contradictory, which makes my path even harder to navigate. So, I’ll stick to what resonates with me and file that away, leaving the rest. After all, am I not finding my own inner truth? Am I not the only one who knows what I need?

I realize we are all different with different approaches to life, politics, religion/spirituality, etc. I understand and accept that we all believe our own truths. I know we all want to share and help, some of us a little more enthusiastically than others.

But, what’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander. Buddhism teaches that the opposite of what I know to be true is also true, meaning what the other person believes is also true, but for them, from their background, their upbringing. 

I wish we all could live only with what we need and leave the rest behind. And be content with that.

This “taking what I need” philosophy has become somewhat difficult when I interact with people. For example, when I hear a certain pair of words I get quite upset.

And not just a simple little upset either, but full on rage. Now, before you picture me as a raging bull in a china shop, I do control my potential outburst. At least, physically. Well, outwardly physically. Inwardly, my heart is racing and I’m breathing slowly and deeply to bring my blood pressure back down from near stroke range.

And I wonder what is it about those two seemingly innocuous words that simply sets me off?

The last time someone uttered those two words, I heard nothing else past that point. Okay, I did. But, what followed was still lost on me.

Through it all I was able to grasp the positive intention behind those words, yet the meaning itself overtook the intention and ran right over it like a locomotive over a Volkswagen.

So, what are those two words? “You should...” or their more demanding sibling, “You need to…” Or even the evil twins, “You should not…” and “You don’t need to…” raise some sort of anger in me. Even the less demanding “You can’t…” riles me up a bit.

I am trying to work through some long held negative energies and beliefs I hold about myself.

No one knows my past, nor my present. No one knows my journey at the moment. There are times I don’t even know where I am for all the bumps and curves that come my way.

When I hear any of those words, in spite of the positive intention, they come off like someone telling me how to walk my path according to what works, or worked, for them. But, I’m not them and they are not me. I am me whoever I am becoming at that particular moment in time.

I’m working on separating the intention from the meaning, on taking what I need (the intention) and leaving the rest (the meaning).

“Thank you for your suggestion.”

“I’ll take your idea into consideration.”

Maybe I can (should?) offer a simple explanation that I view those words as an unsolicited attempt to tell me how to live my life; how to force their opinion on me. And to kindly refrain from doing so in the future.

If they can, we can move forward. 

If they can’t, I hope they have a very nice life.