Brainwashed 3

I seem to be on a rant lately, or maybe it’s a theme. I’ll go with ‘theme’ as it’s more positive.

I’m trying to find a social group to hang out with and find new friends to create a semblance of a social life.

But, all the groups I’ve looked at seem to have a ‘meet that special someone’ feel to them. Yes, I understand it’s human nature to want to pair off and board Cupid’s Ark. I’m just not there for a myriad of reasons. 

The main reason I have for not getting on board this paring off stuff is that I’m discovering and becoming my true authentic self and should I encounter someone intriguing, I fear I would slow down my progress. I would concentrate on figuring him out rather than continuing my work. Right now, I am my own priority.

One social group I looked at even had a “What’s your status?” question in their application; single or taken? I think I blogged about it, once or twice.

Another group was promoting a ‘stop light’ party for V-Day. Come dressed in the color of the stop light that represents your availability:

• green-Go ahead, I’m available; 
• yellow-Caution, I’m dating someone;
• red-STOP! Don’t think about it.

I thought about going dressed in black though that might invite questions I might not be willing or prepared to answer right now. But, as I’m not in that space, I’m not sure why I was investigating this event. It wasn’t until I realized the date of the event and the words “V-Day” were connected. Why was Victory Day being celebrated in February? Oh wait, I get it now.

But, I have to ask myself, why is there this need to pair off? It’s part of our being brainwashed, I know. Plus, we have this need for social interaction. I get enough of that shopping. And yeah, I’ve heard all about the psychological need for human touch. I can get a massage for that. Plus, in this age of hooking up and unwanted sexual advances, where do we draw the line? Where does one feel safe, especially in a sexually oriented community?

Exactly!!

Sometimes, just the thought of sitting around talking to a group of people I don’t know is intimidating and exhausting at the same time. Sometimes, the thought of sitting around talking to a group of people I do know is intimidating and exhausting. But, this is one of life’s challenges I’ve been given and I must learn from it. And, I will.

Plus, until I’m comfortable with my new Self, how comfortable can I be in a group of total strangers? Some would think that being around the strangers would be easier as I have nothing to lose. But, all that initial small talk can be mind numbing. At some point, I will have to get out there and just go for it.

But, the group has to meet me halfway.

Right now, I’m looking at an LGBTQ social group and their upcoming events. They have three planned that don’t conflict with longstanding appointments. I’m sorry to say I don’t qualify for these events as they are for women only. Other non-conflicting events they have planned either don’t seem to interest me or fall within my budget. I mean, I don't see myself performing karaoke musical numbers in a gay bar with a two drink minimum.

Oh, well. Something will come along. Or I’ll check out other LGBTQ groups.

It’s just hard trying to find a place to fit in when you don’t.

Perhaps, the point isn’t about trying to fit in, but about being comfortable where I am. 

Both with my Self and around others.

I'm working on it.