Synchronicities 8

I seem to be suffering from synchronicity overload. 

So many multiples,
so many receipts

I still see them on license plates, billboards, receipts, address plaques in amusement parks, etc. It seems lately they’ve been appearing more than before. 

One evening, on the way home from an appointment, I stopped for dinner as I was getting hungry and had nothing prepared or could quickly prepare when I got home. The meal itself was uneventful maybe because I was dining alone. It wasn’t until I got the receipts that I nearly fell off my stool. The table number matched the amount of tax on the meal which also happened to be the first three numbers of the credit card approval number, which coincidentally was my birthday. What are the odds? I mean that can’t be a simple coincidence, can it?

I thought not.

From a shipping label

And yet, what can it mean?

As I turn to a few numerological references, there is an overall theme that simply lets me know the changes I’m experiencing are indeed for my greater good. Okay, so they are simple affirmations I’m on the right path. I’ll take that. 

And just when I’m getting comfortable with the patterns I’m seeing, they shift. I guess the Universe likes to keep me on my toes.

Initially, I was seeing multiples of the same number; 1111, 333, 55555, etc.

Then I started noticing the repeating patterns of two digits, mostly two 3s and a 1, or two 1s and two 7s.

I just looked up, and there they were!

And now they’re shifting again. 

Now, I’m seeing different combinations of the same three digits, e.g. 742 and 427. I seem them in rapid succession, or even side by side. I know the skeptics will be saying I’m looking for them, but I assure you I don’t. You are entitled to your belief, my conscience is clear.

I see them mostly on license plates in parking lots or occasionally on cars on either side of me on the freeway. (I do have to keep my eyes on the road, so if I’m meant to see something, it will be obvious.)

Then there are these other kinds of synchronicities.

As I am trying to make sense of this path I’m walking, or trying to walk, questions form in my mind and an article will appear with some answers. It's like asking for guidance and then getting an answer. I view this as a sign that the Universe wants me to keep going on, even if it is difficult and often painful. I'll be fine in the end.

Or, a song comes on the radio at a particular time which may have some significance to me. Recently, while driving to meet some friends for lunch, I was listening to an 80s radio station. I recognized the beginning notes as a song came on and I glanced at the clock, it was 1:11, which I took to mean there was something in this song that the Universe wanted me to pay attention to. The song ended and a notification came through on my phone at 1:11! (Now, I do keep my car clock ahead a few minutes so I have a cushion of time. So, even though it really wasn't 1:11 by my car's clock, just seeing the three 1s themselves was significant.) So, this song was sandwiched by 111s. The song itself was the story of a man telling his significant other that even though they were separated by distance and circumstances, he would be “forever yours, faithfully.”

Was the Universe telling me something with this song? Only time will tell. 

In the meantime, I will simply take them all in stride, be grateful for them and accept the blessings I receive from the Universe.

That’s all I can do.

Enough!

I have come to believe that everything I've gone through has led me to where I am. 

For example, I have a beautiful home and a comfortable life thanks to circumstances from my past.

I also believe that the emotional experiences I've had, both positive and negative, have also shaped me into who I am.

But now at this stage in my life, I ask myself, "Who am I?"

In order to survive some of the emotional pain from my past, I did what I felt I had to do.

I was taught men hide their emotions, yet I am highly sensitive to others' suffering. I often found myself at odds with those teachings. When I saw someone suffering and I got upset, I was told to “Man up, be strong.” So, I became indifferent. Superficially, at least. I was a man, I couldn’t feel. 

I grew up in a very racially prejudiced and misogynistic household. I was told what to think about other ethnic groups and women. But, deep down I knew those thoughts were wrong. But, I also knew expressing myself in that household was not the best thing to do. Fortunately, my mother shared the same views I did, so that was some solace. But, not enough. I knew certain words were wrong to say, yet I heard them in my house. I questioned the path history had taken and wondered why God had allowed it to be so. I was told to be quiet and don’t ask questions. It was all His will. I learned not to express myself or to question authority.

I later found some peace in the evangelical church, yet I still felt empty. I tried hard to live the teachings of the church, but had too many questions about those teachings and saw too many holes in the historical timeline. I was told not to look at it all "logically.” I was told to “Have faith” and “Only God knows.” So, I simply followed along. I was a Christian, I had to have faith. 

As I came out as gay, I became aware of the homophobia I had developed due to the church's and society's teachings and my family's belief in it as well. I later found a group for evangelical Christians who were struggling with sexual identity and orientation. The group helped for a bit, yet some of my earlier beliefs still seemed to clash with my new gay identity. On one hand, I had strong romantic notions and believed sex was something unique and special, not something to be entered into lightly while the gay community (and by extension, society at large) seemed to revel in a new sexual freedom. And the more freedom I gave myself to explore, the more I lost myself in the process. I did what I thought I had to in order to be accepted, and to try and accept myself. I was gay, this was what I was supposed to do.

As I got more in touch with my identity and reconciled my sexuality and Christianity, I found my beliefs around Christianity and its teachings evolving into something very different. And quite personal.

I've already described my awakening to Shamanism and its spiritual teachings and now I find myself turning inward even more and wondering even more deeply about who I am because the more inward I turn, I have found I have worn many masks through the years. 

It's time they come off. I’m taking off the Masks of Indifference, of Being Quiet, of The Flock, and of False Acceptance.

About a year ago, I discovered a project called "My Intent" where a word or phrase is stamped on a washer and turned into a bracelet, necklace or other charm. This word or phrase is what you intend to work on with the idea to wear the bracelet until the string breaks indicating you have mastered that particular intent. 

I have two bracelets. One has the word "SURRENDER" reminding me to surrender to the what is and not worry about the what was or the what will be. In other words, stay in the moment, in the now.

The other has the phrase "I'M ENOUGH" meaning that I don't have to be or do anything that isn't true to me to gain anyone else's approval. If someone can't accept me for who I am, that is their problem.

This last intent has become the hardest to work on. As a child of divorce, I have sought outside validation. I wanted others to like me or to approve of me. And if they did, then maybe I would, too.

As I move forward in my life, I am finding that the more I discover my core values and my true authentic self, I find I don't fit in the world at large. And I have to learn and accept that that is okay. 

And maybe I don't need to fit in. 

I AM ENOUGH just as I am.

No one has to like me, or what I do, say or believe.

And if they don’t, that’s their problem. Not mine.

Now, if I could only learn not to take it personally.

For information on the My Intent project, click here.

My favorite number (and showstopper) form the Broadway musical "La Cage Aux Folles." I felt it was appropriate for this post. Enjoy!

Isolation

Over the course of the last few months, some well-meaning and caring friends have dropped the ‘I’ word in their concern for me. 

Isolation

And it caused me to reflect, which then prompted this post.

Isolation is defined by Merriam-Webster as

1. the state of being in a place or situation that is separate from others;
2. the condition of being isolated;
3. the act of separating something from other things;
4. the act of isolating something.

The third and fourth definitions are presented as transitive, meaning someone is isolating me, almost as a punishment or penalty.

Um, no. No one has told me I've been a bad boy lately.

The second definition suggests a condition, possibly in the lines of an illness requiring quarantine.

Again, no. Aside from a small tickle in my throat at the moment, I am physically healthy, while my therapist assures me that I am emotionally sane, as well.

That leaves the first definition.

The word 'state' also suggests a 'condition,' physical or mental, which I’ve already ruled out. But, yes, I do find myself separate from others.

Besides a definition, words have a connotation, a feeling that accompanies the textual meaning. Prison guards isolate prisoners who are violent; boards of health quarantine people who pose a threat to the general population. Bullies may socially isolate or ostracize their victim. So, isolation carries a negative feeling as well as the idea that it is often imposed upon others by authority figures. No one is forcing me into alleged isolation.

And it’s true, I don’t go out much, but when I have ventured out into the world to try and socialize more, I’ve discovered some things about myself.

1. I am an introvert.

A recent encounter with a financial planner resulted in an invitation to hear his sales pitch. I had explained I was not in a position to make any changes at this time, but he just asked if I was open enough to listen. I said I was and he suggested a meeting over coffee. What did I have to lose? Nothing, and I’d get a free cup of coffee at a Starbucks or someplace similar. We exchanged numbers and he later called to set up the meeting. I arrived at his place of business only to find 30-40 other people in attendance and no coffee in sight. This unexpected plethora of additional guests startled me which set my introversion and anxiety into an unusually high overdrive! 

The invitees remained in one room and were later escorted to another larger room to begin the ‘tour' which left me wondering what this had to do with financial planning? If we were going on a ‘tour,’ maybe I could look for an escape as the anxiety was now reaching critical levels. No such luck. We remained in the larger room where we-the invitees-were introduced to various people one at a time, all of whom had invited someone else, and we ended up making mind-numbing small talk with several strangers. I felt corralled and deceived. However, I paid attention to myself to see how I was feeling during the course of the evening as I was now determined to use this as a self-reflection.

2. I am a borderline empath.

I took the Metro to work for a while and even though not focusing on driving and traffic was relaxing, just being around so many people was tiring. I later learned that that is what defines an empath; either picking up on others’ energies or emotions. While I don’t necessarily "pick up" on the various emotions of people around me, just the energies surrounding me are enough to tire me out for a while. Even a shopping trip to a crowded store or a meal in a busy restaurant can be overwhelming. Oh, and I abhor Christmas shopping unless it’s online. 

An introvert and empath each require recovery time after social interactions, to recharge their batteries if you will. Being both adds to the necessity.

3. I don’t fit in. Yet.

Well, I don’t feel I fit in in the groups I’ve tried to attend. Over the last few years, I’ve joined a few gay social groups. All, but one, have imploded due to the Royal High drama by some members of the group. I believe I am low-key, or at least I try to be and prefer to leave the drama for the professionals on stage. Other groups have misrepresented their intentions based on their application process. 

Several years ago I had an experience which led me to the path of Shamanism as a spiritual way of looking at and living life. However, life itself got in the way and I wasn’t able to fully embrace the path until shortly after my divorce when I was led to a teacher who helped me shore up my foundation. We soon parted ways as his journey led him in a different direction. I read and studied on my own and again life intervened and my studies and practice faltered. A couple of years ago, I was awakened to an additional aspect of my journey which propelled me further into my soul to heal some deep hurts and wounds from my past and to begin to discover my true authentic self. As I am uncovering more of my core values, I’m finding I don’t feel I fit into society at large, let alone the gay community. While many gay men focus on fitting the relationship around the sex, I prefer a relationship that is all-encompassing; heart, mind, soul, and body. If you can’t stimulate the first three, you can damn well give up on the fourth.

I also find myself learning to live and let live, yet I don’t see it in society at large. Religious and political differences have led to name-calling, violence and an increase in negativity. Other differences in personal opinions have also led to name calling and judgments. I do believe in expressing our differing opinions, but peacefully and ultimately respecting others’ choices, even if it is painful or contrary to our personal beliefs. The only thing we can control is our reaction to what happens around us. It is not easy, but essential for our peace of mind, and ultimately our physical health as I believe our mind and body are connected.

As an empath, it is a strain to be around or read all the negative energies. Learning to detach from the negativity when surrounded by it is not an easy lesson to master.

I will yield a bit here and acquiesce that I could simply find a group, join it, not give a shit, detach from their drama, keep myself grounded and eventually some members of the group will adjust. And if they don't adjust to me, they're free to not interact with me. But, that is a lot of work and perhaps a bit controlling, "Accept me or else!" However, if the group's proposed activities simply do not appeal to me, what's the point of joining that particular group? Then, I should move on and try searching once more, yet again. But, at the moment, I'm finding it hard to find any group, other than my writers' group, that piques my interest.

Perhaps I am in need of a group that relates more to what I’m experiencing because the members are walking a similar path, too. Perhaps then I’ll feel like I belong somewhere, I will feel connected.

Instead of isolation, with its overall negative connotation, I prefer the more positive term solitude which Merriam-Webster defines as 'a state or situation in which you are alone usually because you want to be.' However, I would change it to read '...want or need to be.'

Solitude gives me time to reflect on where I am on this journey of life and make adjustments as necessary.

And I believe solitude is exactly what I need.

Social Media

Why are we so mean to each other, especially on social media? Is it so difficult to show a bit of gratitude even for something you didn't want, need or even ask for? Wasn't the effort someone showed to try and help simply enough even if it wasn't right? Is bullying so pervasive in our culture we can’t allow anyone to express themselves without tearing them down for their different views? Have we totally lost the ability to engage in a polite disagreement?

For the sake of my point, I will not address the current political situation in the US as it is quite an explosive issue.

I have seen posts on Facebook or tweets on Twitter where someone has shared a concern, a problem or a health issue. People have very kindly posted suggestions based on their experiences. The original poster sometimes responded derisively with the attitude of "I've already tried that!" with no sense of gratitude for someone at least offering to help. How can the commenter know what you've already tried if they are a friend just on social media? And if you didn't want anyone to comment, why post?

A woman recently posted in a spiritual group that I belong to on Facebook that she has been experiencing a string of bad luck and tragic events for many, many years. "How can I break this bad luck?" she posted. I offered my beliefs that the Universe never gives us more than we can handle and we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and without the mud, we'd never see the lotus. "Yeah, I've read all that. What more must I do?" Several others offered their suggestions based on their experiences, which were all shot down and not once was there any sense of gratitude for those trying to help her.

And this bullying seems even more concentrated in the gay male community, which is sad because, with all we've been through, one would think-and hope-we'd be there more for each other, rather than less.

With the rise of the charges of sexual harassment and assault flying out of Hollywood, Washington, and other locations, I’ve read a few articles mentioning the same charges about the happenings in gay bars and clubs.

Marc Ambinder writes in an article dated October 16, 2017 (link below) that groping and other unwanted advances are quite commonplace in gay bars and clubs and he suggests that consent is almost implied the moment you enter the establishment, and even more so as the night wears on and more alcohol has been consumed. After all, men are there for sex, many are dancing shirtless and sweaty, and may be under the influence of not only alcohol but who knows what else. And that this type of behavior is responsible for men like Harvey Weinstein.

Lane Hudson replies in an article dated October 18, 2017 (link below) that comparing the Hollywood scandals to an average night in a gay bar is totally off base. He states that men like Harvey Weinstein are sexual predators, using their influence and position to prey upon others, while gay men in a bar are simply horny and wanting sex. Hudson wonders what bars Ambinder has visited because Hudson hasn’t seen the extremes Ambinder describes. Hudson also states that only the sloppiest of drunks would approach someone and make an inappropriate advance.

I beg to differ. I was assaulted, not at a bar, but in a gay square dance class and as alcohol is not permitted during classes or dances, I can probably assume the perp was sober. During one set the caller called a 'pass through’-a call where the designated dancers pass right shoulders with the person facing them essentially trading places. As I passed through with the man facing me, he reached down and grabbed my crotch. I was shocked, stunned, angered. I didn’t know how to react. I finished the set and went home. I never told anyone, not even my now ex-husband, until I shared this with a therapist several years later. 

But I digress from my original point. As I read the comments on the Hudson article, which I originally found on Facebook, they were quite divisive. There were, as expected, two points of view. There were those who supported the article with the "It’s all a bit of fun.", "I enjoy the attention." and "That’s to be expected in a gay bar." attitudes. Then there were those who took the opposite side, "I go to enjoy myself and talk with my friends in a safe environment.", "I don’t want anyone touching me without permission."

It seemed those men liking the more "hands-on" approach felt the others weren’t gay enough for not appreciating the attention. Unwanted attention is unwanted attention, period. I don’t understand why those who like being groped had to make those kinds of comments. Just because they enjoy that kind of attention, not everyone else does. I certainly don't. And to be honest, I can’t recall if the "hands-off" group retaliated with similar comments. 

Daniel Franzese is an actor who recently came forward with a different story. In his recount, which he first tweeted in mid-October, and was later picked up by other media, (one link below) he accused Bijou Phillips of bullying him on a movie set years earlier. He states she body-shamed him, referred to him as the "bi-guy" every time he walked on set and, at times, kicked him. The comments posted against him were, in my opinion, uncalled for; "This was sixteen years ago. Just get over it already.", "Another whiner.", and one that really set me off, "He’d be singing a different tune if it were a good looking guy."

The man who assaulted me was very good looking, and that hasn't changed my tune at all. 

To be fair, Franzese did get more positive responses. "At last, stories of women who take advantage of men.", "I’m sorry this happened to you."

And, there were some comments against her. "Perhaps if she had had to work to get into Hollywood, she’d act differently.", "What a bitch."

To her credit, when Ms. Phillips heard of the account, she reached out both privately and publicly to Mr. Franzese to apologize, and take responsibility for her actions, which he publicly acknowledged. And people still tore her down, "Too little, too late."

I totally understand wanting to express an opinion on a topic. After all, it is freedom of speech. But, why degrade someone whose opinion or behavior differs from yours? Since websites and social media, such as Twitter and Facebook, are such a public arena with little chance of running into the other person, perhaps people feel more prone to attack.

But, I have to ask, if it doesn’t directly affect you, is it necessary to comment at all, especially negatively about the commenter? After all, it is quite possible to simply read something, disagree and move on, without public comment.

I just don’t understand people’s need to put others down and I guess I never will. Aren't we all fighting our own battles? Do we need any more to fight?

It’s this negativity that pushes me away, turning me off to the world at large making it less appealing to be out there, especially among the gay community. 

But, perhaps, I should remember this:

Thank you, Mrs. Rogers, I'll look for them, too.
To read the article from Daniel Franzese, click here.

To read the original column by Marc Ambinder, click here.

To read Lane Hudson's rebuttal to Marc Ambinder, click here.