Shame

For a community that prides itself on acceptance, and fights for it in mainstream society, it amazes me how often some members of the gay male community aren't as accepting of diversity, and in fact, can be quite judgmental.

For a community that prides itself on freedom of self-expression, and often challenges the norms in that self-expression, I'm confused as to why some members of the community deride others' self-expression, especially when it runs counter to their own self-expression. 

In fact, the community can be quite divisive as well as divided.

At least from my perspective.

Recently an actor took the step of coming out publicly. Coming out is a very brave personal step because we are never sure of the outcome, especially where our family, friends or jobs are concerned: "Will I be accepted or rejected?" "Will I be fired?" Current state workplace laws are quite varied, yet in 2017, 28 states still have laws allowing a person to be fired simply for being gay or lesbian, and in 30 states for being transgender. Plus, coming out as a public figure is even riskier as many careers have been ruined because of coming out, being outed or even simply being perceived as LGBTQ. However, this actor also took the even braver steps of coming out not only as gay but also as a gay Muslim and as a “total bottom.” This means he likes it “up you know where.” (His words, not mine.)

Now, I was brought up to be a bit more discreet about intimacy. It’s private. It’s personal. So, I have a very difficult time understanding why he chose to disclose that last bit of information. But, to each, his own and I respect his decision to do so. 

I do understand that many straight people are curious about how two people of the same gender have sex and presumptions are frequently made. Male couples are often asked, "Which one’s the girl?" while two women are asked the opposite question. All of this plays into gender stereotypes and roles within relationships based on those stereotypes.

Even among gay men, there seems to be some fascination with other men’s preferred positions. I remember years ago sitting in a staff development training focusing on science standards and the presenter was sharing some geology activities. Next to me was another gay male teacher who knew I had just started dating someone and was asking some innocent questions, "What does he do?" "How’d you two meet?" "How old is he?" I got a little sheepish when I said he was somewhat younger. Later, the presenter went over the sedimentary process of the rock cycle and explained that sedimentary rocks form in layers from the bottom up, therefore the youngest layer is always on top. It was then my colleague leaned over and whispered, "Is it true? Is the youngest always on top?" I must have turned a bright shade of burgundy.

When I came out in 1983, the gay liberation movement was in full swing. We were fighting for our rights and redefining what it meant to be a couple. After all, this was quite new, two people of the same gender openly establishing themselves as a couple instead of just "room-" or "housemates" or as ambiguous "friends". Societal norms were also being thrown out because two people of the same gender in a relationship could both be breadwinners. Household chores couldn't be divvied up along gender stereotypes. Even the norm of monogamy came into question as couples decided whether or not sexual fidelity truly mattered if emotional monogamy was all that they desired. After all, we were not in typical heterosexual relationships, therefore we didn't have to behave in the typical heterosexual way we were raised. So, people experimented and made choices based on what felt right for them.

As it should be.

You would think that with all the bullying and name-calling gay men suffer growing up, you would also think they would be the first ones to recognize it. Yet, in his coming out, the actor addressed the issue of "bottom-shaming" in the gay community, where men who prefer this role in sex are often looked down upon. One Facebook friend even asked his followers about "bottom-shaming" and if they had heard, witnessed, or even experienced it. And if so, was it other bottoms or tops (the ones who like putting it up you know where) who were doing it. 

I read the comments and unofficially tallied the results. About half had not heard, witnessed or experienced bottom-shaming and found the very idea to be divisive. In fact, a few were even repulsed that it occurred; "Good bottoms make good tops, and vice versa." "We need each other, why stoop to shaming?" The other half was divided roughly in half again saying it was other bottoms who did the shaming, while the other half had heard tops doing the shaming. (Note: this does not include any fantasy play where shaming is part of the scenario.)

There was no apparent consensus why the bottoms were shaming other bottoms; some seemed to think maybe they were jealous that some bottoms were getting more action? Then does this become a form of slut-shaming?

I could not understand why someone who prefers to top would shame the bottoms. After all, doesn't the top need a bottom? So, maybe it's an ego thing?

Interestingly, there was also a handful of comments where men remarked about being shamed for not enjoying anal sex, or for identifying as asexual. They were told they weren’t really gay or not even normal because they weren't sexually active enough. How much is enough? Who sets the rules and limits? Is there a committee somewhere?

And more importantly, why should it matter to anyone how active someone chooses to be or not to be?

When I was a bit more active on gay social media, okay, the apps, I saw countless references to ageism, racism and other '-isms.' "No one over 40, please." "No (insert race here). Not racist, just a preference." "No fats, no fems." There’s nothing wrong with a preference, but if you have to put it in writing, and advertise it, it becomes ageist, racist, or other-ist; like a sign "No (age/race/fat/fem) allowed."

I occasionally read a column written by an older gay man for older gay men who are adjusting to aging in a community that seems to sound the death knell for anyone over forty. One of his most recent columns focused on "slut-shaming." He wrote about all the negative comments directed at him regarding the prior column where he admitted that when he is not seriously dating someone, he sometimes seeks out hookups. The comments, which I couldn't read as they were sent privately, seemed to be coming from people in committed relationships deriding him for anonymous sex at his age. He's 53. As long as he and his partner are consenting and playing safely, what difference does it make to anyone else? Yet, so many were quick to comment/judge.

I am lost as to why all this shaming goes on in a community where many of us are still healing from hurts lingering silently under the surface and have overcome a lot of self-shaming during our own coming out process. According to many articles I read, bottom-shaming seems very pervasive among some segments of the community. There are multiple historical references where penetration by another male was used, or seen, as an act of submission, weakness, vulnerability, or defeat which might have something to do with the shaming. Or could we be reconnecting sexual positions to heteronormativity; the receptive partner must be the girl and therefore not a "real man." Misogyny, anyone? Internalized homophobia? Perhaps he who doth protest too much has something to hide.

I do realize this is a small segment of the community. Many of us have arrived at a mindset where we don't give a fuck who does what to whom as long as it's consenting and safe. Yet, this small segment seems to be quite "vocal" especially when leaving comments on articles and posts. Maybe they're being a bit brave hiding behind a keyboard. But, in all fairness, in the past when I participated more in community organizations, I actually witnessed some of the shaming.

I just don't understand why the life someone chooses to live should matter to anyone else as long as no other person is being harmed. Hasn't that been our argument all along? In the 1986 case Bowers v. Hardwick, the US Supreme Court decided to uphold Georgia's sodomy laws effectively policing our bedrooms denying us our privacy. The community was outraged. "Two consenting adults should be allowed to have sex how and when they want" became the rallying cry. So, why do so many of us still point fingers and shame others who are having sex how and when they want? Is it so they can feel better about themselves by appearing superior to someone else? Self-validation, perhaps? It comes off as hypocritical to me.

If we truly believe that our brothers and sisters should have the freedom to express themselves however they choose, even sexually, then we should honor their choices and simply STFU.