Tuesday, August 9, 2016


I've recently noticed trust has become a big theme with me lately.

I decided to add solar panels to my house which has involved actual structural work on my house; the installation of the panels on the roof and an upgraded electrical panel. There were about three men on my roof installing the panels and two more attaching the inverter to the side of the house. I trust that they all knew what they were doing; that none of the ceramic tiles on my roof were cracked, that there will be no leaking should we ever get rain again in Southern California. I trust the inverter will work properly and there will be no seepage into the holes they drilled in the side of my house. I also am trusting the electricians who installed the new electrical panel and trust that they connected it correctly. I am also trusting the plasterer who came the next day to seal around the newer, larger panel that there will be no leakage should we ever get rain again in Southern California. I am also trusting the city inspector who signed off on the the new panel that he knew what he was looking for and found it. I'm also trusting the inspection from the utility company will take place in a timely manner and go smoothly. I'm also trusting the entire system will work properly once it's working. I'm also trusting there will be NO financial surprises down the road other than the savings I'll be generating.

I've written extensively about an unorthodox, yet deeply connected, relationship I was in. The ending of that relationship has naturally left me a bit distrusting of getting too close to someone. And because we had a very deep connection, the longer and more difficult it has become to want to trust again. It's only natural to be wary after having your heart and soul shattered. In time, I may heal. Life must go on.

I also wrote about how some very well-meaning friends offered their advice, albeit unsolicited, regarding the relationship I was pursuing and how they were focused on what I wasn't getting from him rather than on what I was getting no matter how much I stated the positive mattered more to me. It has left me a bit distrusting about sharing that particular aspect of my life any further. I play that hand quite close to my chest now, if I play it at all.

The ending of the relationship and the unsolicited advice have now joined forces to cause me to trust my own judgment in choices I may make in the future. Maybe it's best I not make any. For a long while, at least.

At one point, I felt I might be ready to move on, so I began chatting online with some guys only to find they were, for the most part; fakes, phonies or just plain horny. The sheer number of them has also left me somewhat distrusting of gay men as well.

I also find myself guarded around people who are supportive of me, an openly gay person, then turn and support politicians and organizations that denigrate LGBTQ people and/or wish to strip us of our hard fought rights and encourage anti-LGBTQ discrimination. Actually, I think it's natural for us to be so guarded, as people have sold us down the river for years.

Perhaps the biggest area where trust has become an issue for me is in Life itself. I am trying to learn simply to trust in the process that what will be, will be. I cannot control what will happen, but I can control my reaction to whatever occurs in my life. Or at least try to control my reaction.

All in all, it seems I find it a bit easier to trust my house, my home, to complete strangers than to trust people with my heart.

At least for now.


  1. You write really well, Jeff. I guess we can only hope for better days to come.

    1. Thank you King. I appreciate your reading and leaving the comment. It's a matter of time, and my willingness to take the risk to trust again. Time will tell.