Maybe.
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| Greystone Manor, Beverly Hills CA |
I sense something is afoot.
And I can't put my finger (or toe) on it. It's been brewing a while, and I have felt it.
I look back and view August 15, 2010 as a big turning point in my life. It's the day I received an email from my then-husband of one year and ten months asking for a divorce. It seems he no longer loved me as a husband, but as a friend. It seems he needed an email to tell me.
I had been in a depression up to this point, and fighting acknowledging it. I attributed it to twenty-seven years' teaching at the same school, a sixty mile a day commute, the recent purchase of a house, a stagnant social life, and many other factors. Once the dust settled and the separation and subsequent healing began, the depression lifted. It seems he was the cause of it. Or better said, my not recognizing that the relationship was no longer meeting my needs; intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And I couldn't end it for some reason.
It is now nearly four years later, and I have climbed out of that depression, slid back down into it a few times, but never as far back into that abyss as to where I originally began. I figure we have to take some steps forward and a few backwards once in a while as we climb up or the climb itself becomes overwhelming and we might give up. Kind of like doing a cha-cha.
And I can't put my finger (or toe) on it. It's been brewing a while, and I have felt it.
I look back and view August 15, 2010 as a big turning point in my life. It's the day I received an email from my then-husband of one year and ten months asking for a divorce. It seems he no longer loved me as a husband, but as a friend. It seems he needed an email to tell me.
I had been in a depression up to this point, and fighting acknowledging it. I attributed it to twenty-seven years' teaching at the same school, a sixty mile a day commute, the recent purchase of a house, a stagnant social life, and many other factors. Once the dust settled and the separation and subsequent healing began, the depression lifted. It seems he was the cause of it. Or better said, my not recognizing that the relationship was no longer meeting my needs; intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And I couldn't end it for some reason.
It is now nearly four years later, and I have climbed out of that depression, slid back down into it a few times, but never as far back into that abyss as to where I originally began. I figure we have to take some steps forward and a few backwards once in a while as we climb up or the climb itself becomes overwhelming and we might give up. Kind of like doing a cha-cha.
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| San Vicente Lighthouse, San Pedro, CA |
The last six months seem to have been an intense period of growth for me. I don't know who or where to attribute it to, but in reality, do I need to? I should just acknowledge and bask in the reality of the fact I am in a great place right now.
And just be.
But, I do want to own what I have accomplished in the years since the divorce.
And just be.
But, I do want to own what I have accomplished in the years since the divorce.
- I have successfully refinanced my mortgage.
- I have added more to my house to make it more mine, less 'ours'.
- I have paid down over 75% of my pre-divorce credit card balances, and should be paid off within a year.
- I have met and dated a few men in these years, and learned more about myself. (And about gay men, in general.)
- I have come to terms that I may meet someone, or maybe not and I am okay with either outcome. (Though I do have a preference!)
- I have come to terms that I am normal, and I am human.
- I am coming to terms that my emotions are real and not to be feared. They are to be felt and experienced. (Something very hard for an Aquarian to do!)
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| Sitka, AK |
In reality, I should attribute my growth to me personally, but I couldn't have done it alone.
In early January, I received a spam email from an astrologer peddling her services, and just for the fun of it I sent away for my free report. She predicted I would meet a man who would transform my life. (Of course he would. And yes, I thought I would be meeting a potential relationship.) This was just before I met the medium who read my deceased partner who said I'd meet the love of my life very soon. I then took a class on the foundations of Shamansim and have truly felt more personal and spiritual growth in the few weeks of that class, than in the three years of therapy since the divorce. I believe that teacher may be the man the astrologer referred to in the free report.
In early January, I received a spam email from an astrologer peddling her services, and just for the fun of it I sent away for my free report. She predicted I would meet a man who would transform my life. (Of course he would. And yes, I thought I would be meeting a potential relationship.) This was just before I met the medium who read my deceased partner who said I'd meet the love of my life very soon. I then took a class on the foundations of Shamansim and have truly felt more personal and spiritual growth in the few weeks of that class, than in the three years of therapy since the divorce. I believe that teacher may be the man the astrologer referred to in the free report.
I am not criticizing my therapists, they have been of tremendous help and support and I have also seen great amounts of growth with their help and guidance, but I feel the added spiritual component has been that extra ingredient to further guide me along this path. I am extremely grateful for their continued guidance.
The totems I have met have also been talking to me of personal transformation, Swan and Snake in particular. The place where I feel this transformation is taking place, is all internal as if I am climbing up from the depths of my depression and towards something infinitely much better.
So, what is actually afoot?
I am. I am simply climbing upward into the next phase of my life and opening up to all possibilities.
Is a relationship involved? Of course. There are several.
I am. I am simply climbing upward into the next phase of my life and opening up to all possibilities.
Is a relationship involved? Of course. There are several.
The One with My True Authentic Self.
The One with Spirit.
The One with My Next Relationship.
I'm simply getting ready to meet all three.
I'm simply getting ready to meet all three.
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| Greystone Manor, Beverly Hills, CA |
I don't know what's afoot either, Jeff. Just keep climbing those stairs. It's the journey, not necessarily the destination, that counts.
ReplyDeleteMichael, thank you for reading and your comment!! It think what's afoot is that I just sense something is about to change. I feel much more positive than I have in a long time and more consistently. And you are so right, it is the journey not the destination that counts. I believe I blogged on this topic a while back. See my post "Hopeless" from June 18, 2013. I need to remind myself it is the journey.
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