A dear friend and frequent reader of my blog called me out on something. After the post on my panic attack about having "animalistic thoughts about the young man on the bus" she lovingly suggested I am only kidding myself. Her conjecture is that I am actually suppressing my feelings about a relationship and that I really do want one, perhaps even more than I am willing to admit to myself or to anyone else.
Fair enough, she might have a point. I thanked her for sharing her point of view, and thought about it. Could she be right?
Could I be so afraid of a relationship, I'm actually suppressing my true innermost desires for one and hiding behind my fears? Fears such as:
- Overstaying the relationship
- Settling for someone just because he's nice, but less than what I deserve
- Not learning from my past
- Settling for someone just to avoid being alone
Especially when someone is in front of me.
I've made it clear I am looking for someone closer to my age this time. The Young Man on the Bus seemed much younger than my ex is now. In fact, Bus Man seemed to be about the age my ex was when we first met, 20! I actually think Bus Boy might be a bit older, though. I'm putting him around 25.
But, Bus Boy is history as we never spoke, and he didn't follow me off the bus. And unless our paths cross in West Hollywood (I hardly go there) or on the number 720 bus (which I only take when I go to WeHo) chances are we'll never meet each other again in the wilds of Los Angeles. Unless the Universe's strange sense of humor makes it happen.
I've also made it clear I believe a relationship will happen at the time the Universe says it should. I'm also trusting my gut instinct which tells me it will happen. Sometime, down the road, in the not-too-distant future.
Maybe my friend was suggesting I'm more interested in a fling than a relationship. That, too, is a possibility, maybe even a necessity. Maybe I do need to kiss a few toads until I find my Prince. Perhaps it's the fears of the fling I'm hiding behind, like:
|Disney's The Princess and the Frog|
- Lack of expertise
- Settling for someone just for the sex sake of it
- Hating myself in the morning
- Poor performance anxiety
I believe that a fling, if it is to happen, will happen at the appropriate time. And I will just know it will somehow all be okay.
But, for now, I'm happy just as I am and also just where I am on my path because I'm still moving forward.
Who knows how I'll feel when I actually do meet someone interesting?
Maybe that's when I'll freak out and have another panic attack.
Maybe he'll hold my hand through it.
And maybe he'll be there when the attack is over.