Friday, July 12, 2013

Who Am I?

I've been thinking about me a lot lately.

You know.

I'm divorced. I can't change that. Even if I were to marry again, it's a matter of public record.

I'm middle-aged. I can't stop the aging process.

I'm a man. Short of undergoing sexual reassignment, I will stay a man.

I'm gay.

I think.

I mean I'm attracted to men, I find them more of a turn on than women. Yet, no one seems to turn me on anymore. Well, maybe that's not true. My latest secret crush is a man who, in my humble opinion, is totally hot; very bearish, seemingly intelligent, but quite GU and AI. (That's Geographically Undesirable, and Age Inappropriate, as he lives over 1500 miles from me and is even younger than my ex who is 16 years my junior.) So, I'll cyber stalk him for a while, as it's highly unlikely we'll ever meet.

And, the last few times I've been in West Hollywood, it felt all wrong, like I didn't belong there. Maybe it's what WeHo represents to me: overpriced shopping, restaurants, bars and clubs; shallowness and narcissism.

Plus, on a different note, I have a difficult time finding decent inexpensive parking without having to surrender my first born child or next adopted pet or apply three days in advance for a parking permit. Traffic through WeHo is bad, and I'm even not talking during rush hours. And there's no great direct way to get there from my house.

And yet, sometimes I do feel the need to go there to connect with my alleged gay roots as well as check out settings for stories I'm working on. Maybe I need to check my attitude at the border. Because not all men who live there are shallow and narcissistic, and SOME restaurants are actually priced fairly.

Maybe it's just the overall attitude I've been having lately that's bringing me down in WeHo. For there is one thing I do see in WeHo. Solidarity.

I'm not anti-gay right now. I just think I have a different set of values than most of the men I have recently met.

I think I'm more anti-relationship at this point in my life than anything else. I'm still dealing with some emotional fallout from my divorce. My ex has moved on and in with his new partner, and now they have moved across the country. When friends asked me how I felt about each of these events, I really didn't know how I felt other than I wasn't going back to him, nor would I take him back. It is now his life to lead, and he now has the opportunity he has always wanted; to experience life outside California. Bully for him, I already have. 

It seems I'm really coming to terms with the fact I'm divorced, it's really sinking in. Yes, it has been nearly three years, but sometimes there is a re-recognition, a re-affirming of the fact. My ex has moved across the country with someone new; our dog died, so that's one less connection to him. I'm still living in our house with our one surviving cat, so those connections are still here. (I'd sell and move if I could, but I can't so I am still here.) And as much as I make it MY house, we bought it together with some money from his mother's estate, which is yet another connection.

The idea of meeting someone else is daunting. A friend showed me a picture of the latest movie star every gay man seems to have a crush on. The man was shirtless in the picture showing a hairy chest, nice muscles, but did nothing for me. My friend was shocked. "I thought you liked muscles and fur!"

Nope, nada, zilch!
Normally, I do. But, nothing is doing anything for me right now. (Except Mr. GU AI.)

I think I'm just going through a phase. An asexual phase.

It's been coming for a while, no pun intended. 

Well, maybe a small one.

I'm sure that as I move on, things will change.

And I will continue discovering who I am.

I know I'm in there somewhere.

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