Sunday, July 7, 2013

Independence Day 2013

It's over.

C'est fini.


In August 2010, I received a devastating email from my husband who was in the house with me at the time.

He asked for a divorce.

He moved into the guest room that night, and out of the house two weeks later.

It was finalized legally almost one year later after that.

But, is it ever truly over?

Even though we had split, we still had tangible connections, even if our emotional connection had been severed and was quite negative. Still is, to a degree.  We still had three of our surviving furbabies to take care of. Even though I have made some physical changes to make the house more mine, it will remain a historical connection between us in a number of ways; he lived here, we used some of his inheritance from his mother's estate to purchase it, and there is still furniture here that he touched, sat on or slept in that I cannot afford to replace at this point in time.

In the two and some years since the split, we still maintained contact, mostly to settle things at first, and then for him to maintain a relationship with the furbabies. 
And now we both have moved on. 

In different directions.

Both metaphorically and literally.

I'm moving on personally, looking at myself and wanting to grow - emotionally, spiritually, creatively.

I can't answer this for him. Yet, personal observations lead me to wonder....but, let's not go there.

It seems our literal separation is now greater.

A few thousand miles greater, as he and his new partner are currently relocating from the Big Orange to the Big Apple.

A few people have asked me if I was jealous of what he now had; a new partner and an adventure. 

Hellfuckingshit, no!

In time, I may be jealous of that idea, but not now. 

What I have that he doesn't is independence. 

Independence to take a good look a myself. 

Independence to determine what I want
in life
in love
in a partner
in me

Independence to figure out who I am
as a man
as a gay person
as a teacher
as a writer
as a human being
as me

Independence to do this 
at my pace
on my terms

Okay, so maybe the Universe may have some say in these last two, and indeed this will be a lifelong process, but it's where I am at this moment.

I admit that I was feeling a bit sad at this realization. I had originally titled this piece "Melancholia" because the facts that my ex was now moving with his new partner to New York, and that now only one of our furbabies survives today (and she is in perilous health), all conspired to force me to realize our connections were breaking which all meant it was really, finally, truly hitting me that I was divorced.



Yet, I wasn't feeling sad that I wouldn't see him again for there were many times I swore I never wanted to. I was feeling sad in that the truth was sinking in.

But, what is it they say?

The truth shall set you free!

It seems it has.

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