Resolutions 2013

One of my all-time favorite series of books is Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City. In the second book of the series, More Tales of the City, Michael Tolliver, the lead gay character, (or is he the gay lead character?) makes a list of Valentine Resolutions he calls his "Dirty Thirty." And yes, there are thirty, and yes, they are for Valentine's Day, so there is an air of love/sex/romance about them, albeit from a young, single, gay male perspective; e.g. "3. I will stop expecting to meet Jan-Michael Vincent at the tubs." Or another example, "11. I will not cruise at Grace Cathedral," or my personal favorite, "22. I will not fantasize about firemen."  I don't see a problem with that one, but evindently Michael did. 

I have never been one to keep resolutions, because to me the words 'resolution' and 'resolve' are so definitive about solving a problem; as opposed to changing a habit which, to me, is not necessarily a problem with a definitive solution. Therefore, many of us make resolutions we could never keep, so we are guaranteed to fail which can then trigger a feeling of failure leading to lowered self-esteem, often becoming an endless cycle. Therefore, I resolved to stop making resolutions, and even that one, I haven't been able to keep. Because, during my weight loss period, I resolved to continue to eat better, to attempt to exercise more, and to focus more on just being healthier. By putting those modifiers in, I could count myself successful as long as I felt I was continuing, attempting, and doing more than what I had been doing in the past. Until recently, I was at least attempting to eat better. But, when life throws you curve balls, survival mode kicks in, whether it's physical, emotional or financial survival and you do what you need to do. My weight is up a bit due to emotional eating, so it's time to get back on the wagon, or at least the scale, monitor my eating habits and attempt to exercise more.

As this is also the time of year to reflect on the past one, I first want to show my gratitude for the blessings I have received;

• my health is good;
• my friends have stood beside me;
•  my first novel, Out of the Past, was published and seems to be selling well;
• my mortgage was refinanced, so my finances will improve, and I'm not in danger of losing my home;
• my dog and cat are relatively healthy in spite of their ages;
• my house is now mine; financially, and physically, though it could still use some of MY artistic touches;
• my job is secure;
• I'm counting down to retirement, a projected 7 years, 183 days as of this writing!;
• the election provided needed revenue to California schools, so I won't take a pay cut for the first time in over three years.

While I am still struggling with some personal issues, and a few professional ones as well, I am hopeful 2013 will continue on in a positive mood. And with that, and Michael Tolliver in mind,  I would like to propose my "Dirty Dozen" for 2013.

1. I will work on being more positive this next year (and beyond).
2. I will work on marketing my book and therefore myself.
3. I will work on finding myself acceptable just as I am (to quote the old Baptist hymn).
4. I will work on not worrying about what others think of me.
5. I will work on making time to read more (by limiting my time on the social media).
6. I will work on making time to write more (by limiting my time on the social media).
7. I will work on decluttering my house by getting rid of fifty or more items over the year.
8. I will work on decluttering my emotional house by letting go of past hurts.
9. I will work on not being afraid of meeting someone.
10. I will work on not letting people take me for granted.
11. I will continue to work on my weight, and my emotional, physical and mental health.
12. I will take time for me.

And if by some chance, I do meet some nice guy, I will attempt to leave judgements behind and just see where the journey takes us. And I will not freak out.

And if this journey brings us closer, I will attempt to let my guard down and let him see the real me. And I will not freak out.

The hell I will. 

But then, I can work on that.