Delete

Downsizing is great. I have so much stuff that I have been wanting to get rid of. Whether it's games I no longer play, toxic clutter from the garage or memorabilia I used to collect but no longer do, it's all taking up space in my house or garage. It's got to go.

I have been reliving a lot of memories lately, mostly painful or uncomfortable ones surrounding people in my life, e.g., a few friends who've drifted away because of the changes they've gone through and where we no longer see eye to eye, or men I had met and no longer am in touch with. I'll admit though, it's mostly the men I've dated over my gay lifetime who keep coming up. Maybe it's because my plate is so full right now, one more thing will push me over the edge, and I'm trying to maintain some sense of stability that I am having these thoughts. I try to keep the painful memories out of my head and heart, but it's not easy. I do have those moments where I just want to erase or downsize them. But, then I remember the good times with these guys and try to hang on to those memories. But, does this mean I haven't let go of the men? Am I truly ready to move on? Emotionally, at least?

Remembering the good, reminds me there is good in everyone. Sometimes, I have to dig deep to find it.

It's those difficult and painful memories that cause the most trouble. Then, I force myself to stop and remember, this person came into my life for a reason, if only temporarily, and probably for me to learn something about myself. I may not learn that lesson immediately but I know in time I will.

Going through my iPod and non-iPhone the other day, I noticed several contacts I hadn't heard from in over a year. Some of the names I would recognize and others I wouldn't. Most of the ones on the phone were those men I had contacted when I was on the apps but had now forgotten who they were as I had no last name for them. A few of the special contacts had actually made it to the iPod, and my feeling was if I hadn't heard from that person in over a year, and he wasn't family, DELETE.

How do I feel about downsizing my contacts? I'm fine. I hardly remembered what I had chatted about with some of the guys. And if the memories do come back, they do. I'll take it as just that, a memory. 

A memory, like the corners of my mind, a misty water colored memory of the way we were.

And nothing more.