Friday, December 16, 2011

Where am I?

I love the old "Road" movies with Bing, Bob and Dorothy. From today's perspective they are a bit cheesy, but still fun to watch. The story is essentially the same; two guys interested in the same woman; one guy is smooth, the other a little corny, and she is usually in trouble. And the movies all involved exotic locations; Hong Kong, Bali, Utopia, Rio, Morocco, Zanzibar and Singapore. I realize Utopia isn't a real place and therefore can't be exotic, but it does exist in people's imaginations and spirits, and therefore it's all a matter of perspective.

I, too, am on a road. "The Road to Me."

While I am not traveling to any exotic locales, like in the movies or in my photograph taken outside Talkeetna, Alaska, I am traveling to some pretty exciting ones in me.

I have discovered the Lake of Love and dipped my toe in it. I have been to the Temple of Self-Confidence and learned I am stronger than I have given myself credit. I have visited the Island of Self-Reliance and realized I have all the tools I need to continue on my journey, and always have. I have also climbed the Mountain of Self-Esteem and discovered I am attractive to other men.

But on this journey I seem to have come to a stopping point. Maybe it's time for me to rest up and catch my breath for a while. After all, this has been a year of loss for me. I lost my marriage, I lost (in my opinion) a potential relationship, I lost a friend, and I lost a beloved companion, the last three being within the last three months.

Or, maybe I'm at a crossroads and I'm not sure which direction to take. While I wait for the Universe to offer guidance, I can still catch my breath. Whew!

I do sense a new direction for me. It's still very nebulous, as is anything new. It could be a relationship, a change in my career, or something else altogether.

If it's a relationship, I must ask myself this question. Where am I? If the Universe does indeed have someone for me, I need to be in an emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically (both corporally and geographically) ready state to meet him.

Emotionally, I need to be ready to risk being hurt again. I'm just not there. This has been a difficult year as I mentioned above and I just need time to heal.

Spiritually, I need to be ready to grow with myself and with him. I think we're always growing whether we are aware of it or not, so I guess I am there. 

Mentally, I need to be up to the challenge to get to know him, pay attention to the details of what he likes, and dislikes. Plus, let him know what I do and don't like. Am I there? Maybe.

Corporally, I must have the energy to invest in a new relationship and as I've said before, this year of teaching has left me so exhausted by the end of the week, that I'm in bed usually by 9:00 PM on Fridays. And I have so much work to bring home that I have little time to do anything during the week anyway. I spend the weekend catching up on household chores which leaves little time for socializing.

Geographically, I need to be where the gay men are. Unless the Universe is going to send him knocking on my door, (FedEx deliveryman?) I need to be out there. I need to be socializing anyway.  I've tried the online route, and while I have met a couple of nice local guys (and by local I mean over 50 miles away), most of the guys I end up chatting with live hundreds of miles away. The locals mostly just want to drop in for one thing, and it's not coffee. And the locals under 25 or so think this 'daddy' has money. If they only knew! I may try the online thing again, but not for a while.  I've tried the common interest group path, joining several small groups formed around people with similar interests. At first, one group was fairly active. But, the only meetings scheduled now are for every third month. In a different group, when I've gone I've been the only one there besides the host couple. They're great guys, and maybe in time, more will show up. Another group, photography (!), has met once and that's it. I'm not in a position to be a leader at this time, so I guess I must wait for, or prod, the leaders to schedule something. There's the bars and clubs scene, but I've addressed that in another post; something about shopping, Tiffany's and K-mart. That's not to say I can't meet guys and make friends, and maybe that's an option. Time and the Universe will indeed tell.

So, where am I? I'm right where I need to be, even if it's uncomfortable. I'm sitting on a bench, resting for a while, at a juncture on "The Road to Me."

No comments:

Post a Comment