Thursday, September 29, 2011


I am going to come off either really stuck up or just really bad in this blog. 

I've been told I'm intimidating. Me. I don't see it, but hey, if someone says it, it must be. Right?

Now, I can see myself as being intimidating to my students. I am known as a strict, demanding teacher. I mean, I even had one vomit on the first day of school when he found out I was his teacher. (That was in third grade. Now, if it would only happen in sixth.) 

When I think of intimidating, I think of large ferocious animals; hence the photo. It was a little intimidating walking into a known black bear habitat. (And to answer that rhetorical question about bears and the woods; yes, they do. I nearly stepped in the evidence.)

But, I've been told I'm intimidating to gay men. Me? Seriously??

When I think of an intimidating gay man, I think of some big burly, dark haired, very masculine man, dripping in muscles, leather, chains, attitude and aviator glasses. And fur. (That means 'body hair' for those of you who need an interpreter.) 

Or, I think of a very effeminate gay man with an in-your-face-take-shit-from-no-one attitude. 

So, why me? What makes me intimidating? I'm not big, burly or any of the other. Well, dark haired, yes, but more salt and pepper. (More pepper than salt at this point.) And I don't have an attitude of either kind.

Back in the days when I went to the clubs and bars looking for a boyfriend, a few times men told me that I intimidated them. They'd come up to me, ask me to dance or start a conversation, and after a while, invariably they would tell me I wasn't what they expected. 

I would ask what they meant. 

"Based on your looks, I thought you'd be stuck up. You seem too nice, too real, too genuine."


In other words, I was too good looking NOT to be conceited; NOT to have an attitude. They couldn't handle it, and they'd leave.

They didn't know what to do with me. (And I don't mean in the bedroom because I'd rarely leave the club with someone.)

They wanted someone with an attitude?  Really?

I was just being myself.

So, I asked my best friends if I was intimidating. And who is a gay man's best friend? His straight female posse. And yes, they said I could be intimidating, but for a different reason: I'm very sexy. 
That's intimidating?

Not entirely, they said. I'm sexy because I don't know I'm sexy.

Now that I'm single, I'm anticipating this coming back up. A gay friend recently alluded to this. He said I didn't live up to the picture on my online profile. 


I didn't seem to be as aggressive as my picture suggested.


I came off more gentle in person.

That's a bad thing? No, just not what he expected. 

Oh. (Flashback to earlier days.)

All this reminds me of something someone once said to me, "Expectations are planned disappointments." (I just thought I'd throw this in.)

When I'm ready to consider dating again, which may be a while, I will continue to just be myself. And if I intimidate someone by being myself, it's his loss. That only tells me he isn't ready for the real me.


  1. I understand what you're saying all too well. It can be hard to see ourselves as others do because of our inner dialogue. I know my exterior often is at odds with my interior and that's been tough tying to make them match. We're lucky to have great friends to watch out for us.

  2. I don't think of myself as intimidating, it's what others think of me.