Wednesday, July 20, 2011
We usually measure an object's worth by its value, my car is worth x dollars. My Disney collectibles might be worth y dollars. And when I saw this bank in Koreatown, I knew I had to work on a blog on worthiness. It just hit me.
But, people aren't objects. So how do we measure our worth? And I'm not talking net worth.
In the past I had made specific requests for birthday and Christmas gifts, and when parents and friends gave them to me I felt worthy of accepting them, because they felt I was worthy of the time and money spent buying and wrapping the gift. After all, they were small items; a certain book, a certain record/cassette/CD, etc. When I received gifts, no matter how "unique" from my students, I felt worthy of the love behind them. (I'll never forget all the kitschy little figurines of dogs, all probably from the 99 Cent store. I talk about my dogs in class, a lot.) But when the Universe gives me something, am I still worthy? And while the gifts from the Universe are nowhere near a small trinket, does that make a difference?
I had a revelation after my ex left. I had many about him actually, but this one was about me. It hit me like Thor's mighty hammer, right across the heart: "I was so effing tired of taking care of people, especially my partners. I wanted a partner who would take care of me!" I believe I actually hit the steering wheel and said it out loud while driving, thankfully, alone. There, I said it, I owned it, I felt so relieved to have acknowledged what I wanted in my next partner. (This was months before I saw The Man Across the Bridge.) And I said it to the Universe.
Yes, I AM worthy of what ever gifts the Universe sends me, and no, there is no difference in what the Universe sends me than what that little first- or sixth- grader did. A gift is a gift. And it is the giver that decides the worthiness of the receiver and the appropriateness of the gift. So, if the Universe decides to send me a gift, then the Universe must believe I AM worthy of that gift.
So, what makes it hard to believe we are worthy of a gift like love? I have come to feel we all believe we are worthy of RECEIVING the gift of love, but have a hard time actually ACCEPTING the gift. I think it's because by ACCEPTING the gift we are then accepting the WORTHINESS associated with the gift itself. So, why, then, do we have a difficult time ACCEPTING the WORTHINESS of being loved? Perhaps we're afraid of being hurt again after our ex or another adult left us; perhaps bullying in school left us with such low self-esteem that we self-sabotage by focusing on our imperfections, I'm not ___ enough. (Fill in the blank with your perceived fault; right now, mine would be 'financially secure' and 'toned/buff.')
And when the Universe arranges for me to meet the Man Across the Bridge, it's up to him to decide whether I'm financially secure or toned/buff enough, isn't it? And if he wants to love me for exactly who I am, I need to relax and accept the fact I am worthy of his love. And that's hard to do, but I'm working on it. After all, I wouldn't want to disappoint the Universe and not accept a gift.