We usually measure an object's worth by its value, my car is worth x dollars. My Disney collectibles might be worth y dollars. And when I saw this bank in Koreatown, I knew I had to work on a blog on worthiness. It just hit me.
But, people aren't objects. So how do we measure our worth? And I'm not talking net worth.
In the past I had made specific requests for birthday and Christmas gifts, and when parents and friends gave them to me I felt worthy of accepting them, because they felt I was worthy of the time and money spent buying and wrapping the gift. After all, they were small items; a certain book, a certain record/cassette/CD, etc. When I received gifts, no matter how "unique" from my students, I felt worthy of the love behind them. (I'll never forget all the kitschy little figurines of dogs, all probably from the 99 Cent store. I talk about my dogs in class, a lot.) But when the Universe gives me something, am I still worthy? And while the gifts from the Universe are nowhere near a small trinket, does that make a difference?
I had a revelation after my ex left. I had many about him actually, but this one was about me. It hit me like Thor's mighty hammer, right across the heart: "I was so effing tired of taking care of people, especially my partners. I wanted a partner who would take care of me!" I believe I actually hit the steering wheel and said it out loud while driving, thankfully, alone. There, I said it, I owned it, I felt so relieved to have acknowledged what I wanted in my next partner. (This was months before I saw The Man Across the Bridge.) And I said it to the Universe.
Yes, I AM worthy of what ever gifts the Universe sends me, and no, there is no difference in what the Universe sends me than what that little first- or sixth- grader did. A gift is a gift. And it is the giver that decides the worthiness of the receiver and the appropriateness of the gift. So, if the Universe decides to send me a gift, then the Universe must believe I AM worthy of that gift.
So, what makes it hard to believe we are worthy of a gift like love? I have come to feel we all believe we are worthy of RECEIVING the gift of love, but have a hard time actually ACCEPTING the gift. I think it's because by ACCEPTING the gift we are then accepting the WORTHINESS associated with the gift itself. So, why, then, do we have a difficult time ACCEPTING the WORTHINESS of being loved? Perhaps we're afraid of being hurt again after our ex or another adult left us; perhaps bullying in school left us with such low self-esteem that we self-sabotage by focusing on our imperfections, I'm not ___ enough. (Fill in the blank with your perceived fault; right now, mine would be 'financially secure' and 'toned/buff.')
And when the Universe arranges for me to meet the Man Across the Bridge, it's up to him to decide whether I'm financially secure or toned/buff enough, isn't it? And if he wants to love me for exactly who I am, I need to relax and accept the fact I am worthy of his love. And that's hard to do, but I'm working on it. After all, I wouldn't want to disappoint the Universe and not accept a gift.
Remember, you are the gift! Sometimes it's hard to imagine your life without. But when you know and understand that you are just as important as the person you are searching for, you will truly understand the gift that you give yourself.
ReplyDeleteThat is indeed a hard lesson to learn, and especially when circumstances, like bullying, abuse, etc, in the world work at tearing us down. It's hard to build back up. And you are indeed correct. Each of us is a gift to ourselves. We must love and nurture ourselves first, before we can love and nurture a partner.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anonymous, for your comment. Well said.