Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Man Across the Bridge
"You are in a meadow, and you can hear the distant sound of running water. You walk toward the water and come upon a stream. A bridge crosses the stream to allow you to get to the other side. The other side of the stream shows your heart's true desire."
I have been wanting to write this post for a couple of weeks. Actually, it's been gnawing at me. The above words were part of a guided meditation in order to help heal the past and open myself up to the future and its abundance. And for what I deserve. And while the picture is not of a stream, meadow or a bridge, it captures the serenity of the meadow in the meditation. I took it along the Taiya River outside Skagway, Alaska along the Chilkoot Trail.
Across the bridge stood a handsome, smiling man, his hand reaching for me.
It's true. I desire to be in love again. But I feel I am still emotionally challenged at this time. I still find myself in moments of hurt and anger over my divorce and having to see my ex can bring anxiety, though I am having moments of both less and less. Thank the gods. And along with the emotional challenges of the recent past, come those fears of the distant past; the fear of rejection, the fear of how do I approach him, the fear of moving too fast/too slow and the biggest one of all, the fear of being hurt all over again.
I had a discussion with a dear friend who was advising me to learn to love myself first before moving on to someone new. Her argument was "You're a teacher, you give and give to the students, and then transfer that to your personal life. It's our nature as teachers. We are givers, we are caretakers, that's why we got into the profession. It's intrinsic with us. Learn to give to yourself first, damn it." And she's right. But, how can I learn to give to myself when I am alone when not at work with the kids? I can love myself at home by making what I want for dinner, by seeing the movie I want to see at the time I want to see it, by playing the music I want at the volume I want. I can give to myself all summer, but will that translate when I am eventually in a social situation or may have met a potential Man Across the Bridge? Maybe I wasn't loving myself because I was too busy being too many people to my exes. And while I can't pre-order The Man Across the Bridge, I know what I want in him. I want someone chronologically, educationally, and emotionally more my contemporary. Ideally.
But, what is more important here is what I want for myself in this next relationship. I want, no, I need, to learn to let someone take care of me. That is just one way I can learn to love myself.
While I feel I may not be emotionally ready now, I never know when I'll meet The Man Across the Bridge. And I may never be completely ready. I just hope he's ready for me.