Listening

I recently learned something.

People don't know how to listen correctly. 

I recently went through a complicated relationship where there were some major green flags which told me to proceed. There were some red flags as well, and I tried to exercise caution. As this was a new and very different type of relationship for me, and the red flags were a bit confusing and frustrating, I expressed my concerns to some friends. 

And they listened. 

Then they told me what they thought. 

Then they told me what they thought I should do.

Then they told me what they thought of him. 

Then they told me why they thought he was wrong for me.

Yet, when I tried to explain that I wanted to stay in this relationship for the tremendous personal growth I was experiencing and that-despite the challenges-I was learning so much more about myself and about what I wanted and needed in a relationship because of it, none of that seemed to matter. They stayed focused on the negative. They stayed focused on what they thought was right for me instead of listening to what I felt was right for me. Instead of allowing me learn more about myself, they became the experts on my life.

It seems they listened to reply. They didn't listen to understand.

They replied to address my concerns, not to understand my point of view.

They didn't listen to understand what was important to me, which was my growth. And the more I tried to point out the positive signs I saw, the more they brought up the negative they saw, thus negating and discounting what mattered to me; my feelings, my growth and my happiness.

By extension, I was beginning to feel they were negating me.

They didn't seem to realize that he and I are different people and a different type of couple than they and their significant other are. They seemed to believe that what was right, or what worked for them, absolutely had to be right or work for the two of us.

Life experiences bring us change, and with change comes pain and with pain comes growth and vice versa.

I will take the responsibility of not stating ahead of time that all I wanted at that time was a sympathetic ear and a silent mouth. Just listen, say nothing. My bad.

I can accept my friends were trying to look out for me. I get that. I really do. They are good people with good hearts. But, it was on their terms, not mine; from their past experiences, not mine; their past battles, not mine. And again I take responsibility for not being clear to what I wanted from them.

While not all of my friends were so vocal in expressing their concerns, I think the number of my friends who did speak their mind, so overwhelmed me that it began to undermine my self-confidence in my relationship skills. Plus, the longer the relationship went on, the more determined they became that I should heed their advice.

Unfortunately, as human beings, we have been conditioned to listen to reply. We have not been taught to listen to understand what someone else needs or wants from us. And as a teacher I do it all the time. I pose a question and expect an answer. Simple recall. I try to ask some questions of my students to understand their thinking so I may address misconceptions in their understanding of the subject matter. When there is a conflict between students, I try to get one to restate what the other's concern or feelings are in order to see the consequences of their actions. In short, I'm trying to teach empathy, which is sorely lacking in today's society.

One thing I learned in this relationship is that I need to set boundaries and ask for what I need/want from my boyfriend. Maybe this incident also serves as a lesson for me to do the same with my friends. 

I'll start asking for them to listen, not with their ears, but with their heart.

Christmas Gifts

I have a light little anecdote to share. I realize my posts have been a bit heavy lately.

I finally treated myself to something I'd wanted a while back, yet allowed myself to be talked out of; the tattoo I'd designed after my husband divorced me five years ago. It was my Christmas gift to myself.

I drove down to the studio for my 3:00 PM appointment, signed the papers concerning all the legalities while the artist set up his workstation and dealt with a couple of other things. We then finalized the design, and after about forty minutes altogether, I finally settled myself in his chair for a long session as we'd booked two hours for it. I was ready for it, even if I hadn't been feeling well lately due to a minor illness and major emotional upheaval.

About an hour into the session, I was dying. Not because of the pain, although there were moments and I had forgotten to take something beforehand, but for a cup of coffee as it was now close to 5:00 PM, way past my afternoon coffee/tea time.

As luck would have it, one of the other artists announced he was headed to the Starbucks across the street as he was between clients.

My ears perked up! Starbucks??!! I really wanted to ask him to bring me something, but dare I? I understand that if you don't ask for what you want the answer is always no, and I do feel uncomfortable asking complete strangers for even a simple favor. He did ask the other artists, some of whom put in orders. And I hoped he would ask me, but as I'm a customer and he didn't know me, would he?

He did indeed ask if I wanted something. 

Hallelujah! Praise the arabicas!

I asked for a tall cup of coffee with cream as I wasn't about to trouble him for my usual afternoon beverage from Starbucks; a venti, extra hot, no foam, no whip coconut milk mocha. And I thanked him.

He soon returned precariously carrying the assorted orders and I gratefully accepted mine, took a sip and felt the warmth of the coffee fill my soul and I began to zen out for a moment even while the needle was preventing me from doing so completely. 

Then came my real dilemma. As my arm was still occupied with the needle, I couldn't reach my wallet to  pay him, but I assumed he understood my situation.

What I find interesting about me here is how I entertained the thought of what he might think of me for not offering to pay him just a few dollars for a simple cup of coffee. While I was not having anxiety over it, it still bothered me, as I was brought up to at least offer to pay for something someone does for you. It's the right thing to do. And I hadn't been able to do that.

Yet.

Soon after, he got ready to leave, as his last appointment of the day failed to show up. As he was walking past my chair-it was the one closest to the door-I thanked him again for the coffee and said I'd leave the money with my artist as I couldn't reach my wallet.

He said not to worry about it as it was only a couple of bucks. I replied I didn't want him to think I'd forgotten or was skipping out on paying him, and he said it never entered his mind.

I again realized that I think too much about the most trivial of things.

I also learned that sometimes a nice gesture is just that...it's simply a nice gesture.

The finished tattoo

Settling, Waiting, Or...?

It's strange what comes to your mind early in the morning when you've had a restless sleep the night before during a period of deep emotional upheaval.

I woke to the lyrics of a song prancing around in my head that I hadn't heard, much less thought of, since I last heard it when it was first released in 1970;

Love the One You're With, by Stephen Stills

Perhaps this early morning earworm was triggered by an article I'd read before but recently stumbled on again; The Pain of Being in Love with Someone You Can Never Have

The article describes the pain and suffering of being in love with someone where the differences far outnumber and outweigh the benefits. For example, some of the differences might be:

• lifestyle differences
• neat vs sloppy
• spendthrift vs thrifty
• Cher vs Madonna
• lifestyle choices
• wanderlust vs couch potato 
• omnivore vs vegetarian/vegan
• backgrounds/upbringing
• religious
• familial
• goals
• life stage
• political views 
• age 

Sometimes these challenges can get in the way of any couple's relationship in spite of how much in love they are, and therefore cause the couple to journey onward, yet separately...

Love is not always a happy ending, and yes, sometimes it does mean having to say you're sorry...

To read the article click here.

The song suggests that if that is indeed the case, just move on...love the one you are with. Stop pining over the lost one: 

Don't be angry, don't be sad

Don't sit crying over good times you've had....

And if you can't be with the one you love, honey

Love the one you're with 

It ain't that bleeding easy.

I pay attention for and to signs from the Universe, except when they seem to be contradictory or confusing...leaving both my head and heart spinning mercilessly out of control...in which case I throw my hands up and just flail about...

I had a lot of hope in a recent relationship that came to a downright halt after a bit of sputtering. There were many benefits to this relationship, for both of us, yet quite a number of challenges, and I've blogged about them here before.

I consider myself a spiritual person when I'm more connected to my Self, which I haven't been lately. Due to the numerous deep connections we shared, I'd come to believe this man was intended for me as a possible long term relationship, but on a level much, much deeper than a mere soulmate. He mirrored my shadow self, those negative qualities I'd like to quietly ignore but was now being confronted by, and I faced them with his help. I learned more about myself in this relationship than in all the other relationships I'd had, combined.

And he encouraged me to grow. And I did encourage him, as well. We both came a long way, individually and jointly.

On a spiritual level, this kind of deep, connected relationship is called a Twin Flame, which I've written about before here. Part of the characteristics of this type of relationship is the confrontation (with your Twin's help) of your inner demons, your inner challenges, your own dark side. (I'm not talking evil here, just fears, and negative attitudes/behaviors, e.g., rejection, tardiness, etc.) And this confrontation of your shadow self can lead to tremendous personal and spiritual growth, causing this relationship to be very intense, frightening, overwhelming and powerful. Because of the intensity of this relationship, it can be characterized by a breaking-up/coming-back-together cycle (which can be maddening to the human mind and heart) until the souls are ready to move forward in unity, i.e., the souls are ready to face their demons.

So, in short, we may be destined for each other, but maybe not now. And as souls may go through a few incarnations, it might not even be this incarnation when we eventually unite.

The timing of both the article reappearing and the long-forgotten song lyric crawling into my head as this relationship came to an end is very interesting. Perhaps it's a sign? But, of what?

So, believing what I do, do I move on as the song would suggest? Do I allow myself to be open to other relationships while believing this one was/is something special and very unique and might not be replicated? And if I do meet someone, would he live up to the standard now set by this past relationship? And if he doesn't but I choose to stay, would I be settling for someone less than what I believe my Twin Flame could have offered, had he been ready? And would it be fair to non-Twin Flame? Would I have one eye constantly over my shoulder, wondering what if Twin Flame comes back? Or do I just wait it out? Or do I even want to deal with another relationship at all?

Too many questions...

But, isn't that what life is about....?

I guess I'll just mosey along and see what happens...

...because sometimes the most difficult journeys lead to the most beautiful destinations...

Tears

I recently faced an emotionally difficult decision. 

I had to walk away from a relationship I felt held great potential but wasn't moving as forward as well as I would have liked, leaving both of us very frustrated and hurt. While he now realizes he's not ready for something serious and wants to remain just friends for now (his words), and as I would like to see the relationship continue to develop, I believe the standoff would continue to leave us both confused and frustrated knowing that what he wants, I can't give and vice versa. So, I chose to say goodbye to my best friend. I believe we both are heartbroken, empty and feeling quite a loss. I know I am.

And I miss him.

But the tears haven't come.

I have not been able to cry.

This was a most unconventional relationship, one I never expected to be in, caught totally by surprise that I had feelings this deep for someone so different than I am; 

feelings this deep for someone who supported me wholeheartedly in so many levels of my life;

feelings this deep for someone who helped me learn more about myself in the four short years of this relationship than in the combined twenty-four years of my other long-term relationships;

feelings this deep for someone who challenged and encouraged me to think differently, and step outside my comfort zone;

feelings this deep for someone who encouraged me to be myself, no matter who that might be;

feelings this deep for someone who didn't quite fit "the list" I had written post-divorce putting out to the Universe what I wanted in my next partner;

feelings this deep when I had given up hope of meeting someone;

feelings this deep for someone thirty-some years younger than I and over one thousand miles away.

And I miss him badly.

But still the tears can't come.

Does this mean I had already accepted it was over but couldn't face ending it myself? I don't know, I was miserable in the last years of my marriage but couldn't fathom taking that step to end it. 

Does this mean I had hoped things would continue to change even when evidence began pointing to the fact they no longer were? This is hard for me to accept because, for a while, I had seen the changes I had hoped to see, along with the incredible and sincere effort he was making to effect those changes.

Was I reluctant to acknowledge it really wouldn't work because of the differences between us despite all of the amazing green flags that I saw? I don't know.

And I miss him terribly.

But still the tears don't come.

Is this a sign I haven't quite given up hope it will eventually work itself out? We connected creatively. We connected spiritually. We connected first as friends, which grew into deeper feelings that we both wanted to explore; both of us wanting to build the friendship into something bigger, deeper. We both acknowledged this was a relationship unlike any other we had ever had which both frightened and excited us. We had always told each other that his happiness was more important-that whatever made the other happy far superseded our own pain at losing the romance while trying to maintain the friendship.

We could talk openly to each other about anything. We talked openly about the challenges we saw in the relationship. We talked openly about how we felt that together we could conquer the challenges. We talked openly of our fears and helped reassure the other. We talked openly to each other when we were upset and how we could compromise to avoid such issues in the future. We talked openly of our hopes for the relationship, for ourselves and also for each other. We talked openly of our own personal bad days and supported each other in helping him through it. We talked openly of our grief when we lost someone important to us. 

We saw each other as friend, boyfriend or possible partner and we floated between the roles with the ease of a knife sliding through soft butter. I could talk to him as my friend or flirt with him as my boyfriend. I could imagine him sitting next to me in my car; reading a book next to me on my sofa; writing lyrics while I finished a chapter in my novel; lying next to me in my bed cuddling during a rare California rainstorm. It all felt so natural to this jaded old man.

And now it's all gone. I miss it all.

And I miss him so very much.

And still the tears won't come.

Thanksgiving 2015

 

Well, the food is put away, the dishes are soaking, maybe I'll do them tomorrow, or not. I live alone, so I can do them whenever, even next Tuesday. This just means my favorite holiday has again come and gone. I'm not sure why Thanksgiving is my favorite: it's not the overeating as Weight Watchers taught me how to eat well without overindulging; it's not the feeling of gratitude as I practice that daily, at least I try to, and not just on one day of the year; it's not the getting together with friends as I've spent several of the last Thanksgivings at a table of one.

This year feels different and not in a good way. I'm used to being alone on holidays. Divorce can do that to you. But, I feel really alone this year. I spent most of the week home sick with bronchitis and with a broken heart missing my best friend. All this makes it tough to feel grateful for what I do have. But I am indeed grateful for the traditional "what-I-haves": house, job, car, (generally good) health, mobility, etc. 

I suppose I should be grateful for the heartache as it proves I'm only human. But, I miss my best friend terribly because of the heartache, so I don't know if I should be grateful or not. Perhaps I should just be grateful for the experience and let time take its course. Even though I'm saying this to myself, it still sounds so goddamn effingly trite, like I'm merely placating myself. Maybe I am.

Time. What an interesting concept. It nonchalantly marches on while simultaneously healing wounds. I remember wanting it to stop when my first partner died. It didn't. The bitch. And still I moved forward into my life and eventually into a relationship, albeit a very dysfunctional one.

Relationships are hard, and this last one came with its own unique set of challenges; our ages, our pasts, the distance between us. Not to mention our own insecurities. For a while we both did our effing best to help the relationship grow. And we felt excited about the prospect. We felt we could make it despite the challenges, and we so wanted to keep it moving forward. And then it imploded a second time and we sadly had to accept that, in spite of the deep and unique connection and tremendous affection we both felt, it just wasn't meant to be. At least for now. 

Time is a funny concept. We never know just what it will bring.

We just never know.

Acceptance

As I think of the term 'acceptance' I have come to appreciate the depths of meaning it has. Or better yet, the levels of acceptance there exist in one's life.

I see these different levels in the acceptance of:

• gifts;
• self;
• the outcome of a situation;

And I am sure there are others, yet in my flu/cold rattled brain, and upended emotional state, these are the only ones I can think of at this time.

In terms of gifts, during my early developmental years I accepted gifts unquestionably. Especially when it was my birthday or a holiday. After all, I was the center of attention. But, when I started dating, accepting a gift often meant a string was attached. At least in my mind. And maybe his.

When I first came out, I wanted so much to meet men and date. I went out to bars, clubs and eventually tried the personal ads, both placing and responding. (This was in the stone age before dating apps were on your smartphone and the nearest hookup might only be 100 yards away and 30 minutes after your last one.) Via one ad, I attracted the attention of a French-Canadian doctor living in Southern California and we dated a few times. We weren't exclusive and he sometimes showed up with gifts and/or took me out for a nice meal. I was a starving student teacher at that point and meals that weren't necessarily instant or packaged in Styrofoam were a treat. Yes, I felt guilty for accepting his gifts/meals and we ended up being intimate. And I felt guilty afterwards because I didn't find him attractive. Understandably, my self-esteem suffered.

I have now learned that just because someone wants to buy me a nice meal, or give me some other extravagant gift, it doesn't mean he is entitled to have me as his dessert. I can merely say, "Thank you", accept the gift and let him ponder his next move.

I'm not going to elaborate on acceptance of self, as earlier posts in this blog have dealt with my self-acceptance on coming out and in other areas of life. But I do want to mention that part of acceptance of self, includes the acceptance of the parts we don't particularly like, our 'shadow' self. Our shadow self is that part of our self we may not identify with, i.e., negative traits. We may not think of ourselves as the jealous type, and repress those feelings, only to have them surface at a later time. Some psychologists believe the shadow self represents our primitive self, our deepest, darkest secrets/fantasies that we are afraid to name, or simply those negative traits/self-concepts/fears we are trying to avoid. The most important part of the shadow self is to simply accept that it exists so we may be aware of it when it arises. Accepting those unflattering traits we all possess is never easy. The shadow will arise, often at a most inopportune moment, possibly changing the course of your life and affecting that of others.

Accepting unexpected outcomes is never easy, in fact it can be quite painful; my divorce, for example.

I've blogged on how it was a shock, how it left me devastated, how it left me depressed-especially after sixteen years together-and how I've overcome all of that. I have now accepted the outcome of my divorce as a blessing and a period of exponential personal growth.

I recently found myself in a situation I never dreamed of. After swearing off dating and relationships, I found myself in a relationship with someone I never expected. He was almost the exact opposite of what I inscribed on my "list of needs" -not quite my age, not quite my contemporary-yet he possessed qualities and attributes I never dreamed were important to me. He awakened those needs in me, and I realized these recently discovered needs superseded those on my "list." And we grew closer, and I grew closer to him than I did to my ex-husband, which I understand is normal in post-divorce relationships, as we've now learned our lessons from the past. I grew to want this relationship to succeed in spite of; no, because of the differences between us. After all, a challenging relationship is never dull. We would continue to grow into ourselves as we faced and overcame the challenges, both individually and as a couple. And we both saw this. And we both wanted it to succeed. Yet, other forces brought challenges from outside the relationship adding to our own, causing us to take a good look at where we are.

I may have to eventually accept whatever direction this takes, even if it is not what I want. As will he, even if it's not what he wants.

And, if it's meant to be, it will find a way...someday...maybe...

In a Haze

In a recent post, I shared my interest in trying medical cannabis for a number of conditions:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Stress
• Arthritis pain 
• and above all, insomnia

And for a couple of reasons:

• I'm tired of the big pharmaceutical companies price gouging us out of our medications;
• I'd prefer to have tried something and regretted it, than regretting having never tried it.

But, I have a few logistical concerns to overcome:

• In the state of California, it is possible for a credentialed teacher to lose his/her credential over a failed drug test as the State recognizes the benefits of medical cannabis, yet, the Commission on Teacher Credentialing still considers marijuana a Class I drug, per Federal Law, and as I understand, cannabis can remain in the user's system for up to 72 hours for a moderate user;
• It is, however, unlikely I would put myself in such a position by smoking/using before going in to school;
• And, I have discovered that a medical card would be tied to my driver's license and therefore any traffic stop might trigger a potentially tricky situation.

So, the general consensus is I shouldn't do anything while I have a valid credential, which expires in 2019, one year before my projected retirement. Yet, I still need to find a way to sleep within these next few years. And, Ambien has been recommended to me, as well as Benadryl, and I may look into them; but a dear friend tried to take his life with half a bottle of Ambien, and while I may not be of that mindset, the memories of that night are not pleasant. I'm very happy to say he is well and looking forward to a long and productive life. And Ambien can become chemically addictive, as can any medical sleeping aid. Taking Benadryl would medicate me for symptoms I don't have as it's used for mostly for anti-itch and allergies.

And one specific health concern I have already addressed in the aforementioned post is, because cannabis is a vasodilator, it does increase the heart rate of the smoker, and as I can suffer from a stress/anxiety-related elevated heart rate, this might not be my best choice as an alternative.Yet, I do enjoy a nice cup of coffee which also increases the heart rate, just not quite so much. Perhaps I should investigate other methods to reduce stress and achieve general relaxation, though my stress and anxiety seem to be much lessened as of late, and my blood pressure and heart rate are lower than they have been in years. Yet, I still can't sleep through the night.

I also need to get over seeing myself in the image of the stoner or pothead, that I grew up with which might not be easy, yet as I sat drinking a beer last night, I caught my reflection in a window, and realized if I can get over my own personal temperance/abstinence movement of my heavily Christian-influenced teenage years to where I can now enjoy a beer or glass of wine responsibly, then maybe I can do the same with pot. After all, I'm still the same wonderful. loving me after one (or two) glasses of a nice Shiraz.

All of that confusion has not stopped me from continuing my research on medical weed.

And I am lost in a fog...

First, I discovered there are two types of marijuana: indica and sativa, which are generally differentiated by the leaf of the plant. So, I'm thinking it's like wine, red and white, like the grapes.

Heck, no.


According to my research, indica produces a completely different type of high than sativa. I mean, to me, a red wine drunk isn't that different than a white wine drunk, except for the possible headache/migraine that reds can produce. So, these different types of highs led to my first cloud of confusion. As I understand, an indica high is much more mellow, producing a sense of relaxation and sleepiness while a sativa high is more of an energetic, creative, hallucinogenic high.

And as I understand there are even different strains within the indica and sativa varieties, all developed for different levels and types of high. Some strains are more/less potent than others and take more/less time to 'hit' and can hit harder, regardless of whether they are indica or sativa.

I also discovered there are two principal components of cannabis that contribute to its effect on us, tetrahydrocannabinol, aka THC and cannabidiol, or CBD. Both THC and CBD have psychotropic properties, though CBD is believed to be the lesser of the two. It is CBD, in an oil or tincture form, that is being used with children in reducing epileptic and other seizures and is believed to provide more of the medicinal benefits than THC. It is also believed that CBD is responsible for countering some of the psychoactive effect of the THC in marijuana, so the higher the percentage of CBD, the less the effects of THC on the patient. And medical strains are being specifically developed to have more CBD than THC for those patients not looking for such a psychoactive experience.

And then there's the actual method of intake; smoking, liquid, topical or edible, all of which can also effect the high, but to a lesser extent than the strain itself. And with smoking there's the popular pipe, bong, and now vaporizers. One can even purchase just CBD oil to take sublingually. I've read of topical creams and ointments, as well as candies, cookies, brownies and even, teas.

CBD oil

Oh, and flavors.

Flavors? Of weed?

Yes, flavors.

Some strains are described as fruity, others as earthy, or piney.

Well, different wines of the same varietal can have slightly different flavors depending on the vintner. I tried a Pinot Grigio from one label that reminded me of turpentine, and another so wonderful, I wanted to buy a case of it. So, why can't marijuana be different depending on the developer?

And on top all of this, different strains are recommended for different medical conditions...some are recommended specifically for stress, pain, insomnia, nausea, etc., while others are recommended for depression, migraines, etc. Still others are recommended for social anxiety, motivation, relaxation, etc.

Oh, and the names of some strains...Blueberry Cheesecake, God's Gift, Afgoo, and my personal favorite (for a name, not necessarily a strain I'd want to try) Alaskan Thunder F*ck.

So, should a first time smoker decide to take that step, how does he find out what and where to buy if he has no local friends he knows who smoke?

Believe it or not, there's an app or two for that.

Whoddathunk?