Friday, November 27, 2015

Thanksgiving 2015

Well, the food is put away, the dishes are soaking, maybe I'll do them tomorrow, or not. I live alone, so I can do them whenever, even next Tuesday. This just means my favorite holiday has again come and gone. I'm not sure why Thanksgiving is my favorite: it's not the overeating as Weight Watchers taught me how to eat well without overindulging; it's not the feeling of gratitude as I practice that daily, at least I try to, and not just on one day of the year; it's not the getting together with friends as I've spent several of the last Thanksgivings at a table of one.

This year feels different and not in a good way. I'm used to being alone on holidays. Divorce can do that to you. But, I feel really alone this year. I spent most of the week home sick with bronchitis and with a broken heart missing my best friend. All this makes it tough to feel grateful for what I do have. But I am indeed grateful for the traditional "what-I-haves": house, job, car, (generally good) health, mobility, etc. 

I suppose I should be grateful for the heartache as it proves I'm only human. But, I miss my best friend terribly because of the heartache, so I don't know if I should be grateful or not. Perhaps I should just be grateful for the experience and let time take its course. Even though I'm saying this to myself, it still sounds so goddamn effingly trite, like I'm merely placating myself. Maybe I am.

Time. What an interesting concept. It nonchalantly marches on while simultaneously healing wounds. I remember wanting it to stop when my first partner died. It didn't. The bitch. And still I moved forward into my life and eventually into a relationship, albeit a very dysfunctional one.

Relationships are hard, and this last one came with its own unique set of challenges; our ages, our pasts, the distance between us. Not to mention our own insecurities. For a while we both did our effing best to help the relationship grow. And we felt excited about the prospect. We felt we could make it despite the challenges, and we so wanted to keep it moving forward. And then it imploded a second time and we sadly had to accept that, in spite of the deep and unique connection and tremendous affection we both felt, it just wasn't meant to be. At least for now. 

Time is a funny concept. We never know just what it will bring.

We just never know.

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