Jeff's Journey 1111: Epiphanies from The Past

Salt Lake City Mormon Temple

While watering my backyard the other night, I came to an interesting realization which only confirms my belief that things happen for a reason.

I’ve stated here in my blog that I believe I was destined to end up with my house which also suggests I was destined to be exactly where I am in this current moment.

Yet, this latest epiphany revolves around another huge moment in my life: my parents’ divorce when I was five years old.

If they hadn’t divorced, my life would have been quite different. Yes, I know that goes without saying. But, let me describe the two possible scenarios dancing around in my head.

My father’s family is very much a part of the Mormon church with many of our ancestors converting to the church in their native countries and immigrating to America to be with other active members during the church's early history, the 1840s-1850s. I attended Primary, an organized instructional program for children ranging in age from 18 months to twelve years of age, up until my parents divorced.

Had my parents stayed together, the church would have been a big part of my life.

While no one can be sure of what would have actually happened, here are two possible scenarios both beginning with my staying with the church.

I would have followed my ancestors’ footsteps, possibly going on a mission somewhere in the world whether exotic like France, or Costa Rica, or someplace much less exotic, like Oklahoma City. I would have felt the pressure to marry and have children. I would have fought my same-sex attraction, living a very repressed and therefore depressed life, possibly leading to me die by suicide, leaving many unanswered questions behind for my family.

I would have ultimately accepted myself, probably leaving the church and divorcing my wife, disrupting her and any children’s lives we may have had.

No one has a reverse crystal ball to see how things might have played out.

Los Angeles Temple

While I did not remain in the Mormon church after my parents’ divorce, eventually I did end up in an evangelical Baptist environment in my mid-teens and remained semi-active in it until my mid-twenties. During that part of my life, I also felt the pressure to marry and reproduce. Even after coming out, I tried to reconcile my religious beliefs with my sexual orientation and found I could not. One of them had to go and it was the only one I believe is a choice.

I do believe religious culture does lead to higher rates of lgbtqia teen suicide, depression, substance use/abuse, and homelessness as many teens are evicted from their homes when they come out to their religious and/or conservative parents. Even some adults who come out later in life contemplate suicide while reconciling their religious beliefs and orientations. Due to these extreme pressures from the religious communities, there is also a higher rate of substance abuse, depression and anxiety in the lgbtqia community. (Links below)

I will admit here that those very attitudes were among the reasons for me to contemplate ending my life in high school.

It seems many religious, conservative men can’t hide their true feelings, either. I have included a link to an article listing a few Republican politicians who masquerade as religious or conservative (they usually go hand-in-hand) who were eventually caught with their pants down with another man.

(Note: I wish to acknowledge those individual churches, denominations, and religions who are accepting of their lgbtqia members, as well as those individuals and groups working within the less tolerant churches, denominations and religions to change attitudes. Thank you, may you all be blessed.)

I do believe things happen for a reason, but I often wonder what that reason is. Maybe the Universe has other plans for me. Maybe my destiny lies elsewhere.

Only the Universe knows what those plans are and is communicating with my soul.

If only my ego would sit down, stop questioning everything and just listen.