Thanksgiving 2017

I last wrote a Thanksgiving post in 2015.

So here is a new one.

I am indeed grateful for the "traditional" things most of us say we are grateful for; home, health, job. Oops, maybe not that last one, but I am grateful for the career I had for over 34 years.

And I'm grateful for the retirement benefits I am now enjoying; the leisure, the lack of deadlines, the reduced job-related stress, and the freedom to do what I want when I want if I even want to do anything at all.

As I go through this journey of life I have met some wonderful people. I am grateful for the lessons they have taught me. I am also grateful for the ones who try to understand this difficult journey I'm on even when there are moments I don't understand it myself.

I have also met some less-than-wonderful people and am also grateful for those lessons.

The last couple of years have been a roller coaster of emotions.

The contemplation of retirement, the ending of a relationship-which doesn't feel like it's over, the improvements to my house, the solitude plus the tranquility, the ups and downs of this new part of my journey all have been part of these last couple of years.

Someone trying to get a drink from the fountain

For the most part, I have felt very positive about these changes; except maybe the relationship. Retirement has brought a new sense of freedom as I mentioned above. I will take it one day at a time. The solar panels have brought some financial blessings. The drought-tolerant garden has been a mixed blessing as some plants didn't make it and need to be replaced, while the rest have overtaken some and need to be trimmed back.

The solitude and accompanying tranquility have also been a mixed blessing. As I sit in my home in the mornings, I enjoy the quiet. I have a bird feeder outside my living room window where I can watch the sparrows, finches, and doves feed. I have added a tabletop feeder to my patio table so when I'm in my dining room I can see them feed there. I'd noticed some jays showing up, so now I include raw peanuts for them. I've purchased two water features, one for the patio and one for the entryway. They run on timers and start early in the morning and shut off at night. There are times I don't want to leave my house for the peace and quiet.

As for the relationship, it has been difficult to get over, because I don't feel it is. Due to our extremely deep connection, it may never be, at least in a non-traditional sense. But, I am grateful for it as it has propelled me into a deeper sense of self than I had before.

I also am grateful for the synchronicities that are shown to me; the recurring numbers I keep seeing as it is these messages that tell me I am on the right path for what will be my greater good; and the other signs that tell me the relationship has played, and will continue to play, an extremely vital role in my journey, whether he and I eventually reunite or not.

One of the visiting scrub jays

The entryway fountain

I look at these challenges as gifts, even if they are sometimes difficult to open because one day I'll get through the hard ones and become much more at peace. But this is my journey at this time.

For which I'm grateful. 

Proportional Drama

Why is it we seem to create more drama for ourselves than is actually necessary, as if any drama at all were actually necessary?

I recently traveled across the country to honor a family member where I would also find myself face to face with two other family members who’ve caused me great emotional pain in the past. I hadn’t seen them in 20 and 30 years respectively and hadn’t anticipated seeing them again. But, now I was going to.

Prior to the trip, I did everything I could to prepare myself emotionally, mentally and spiritually; had in-depth sessions with my therapist, asked my Wiccan friend to remember me in her Samhain rituals, invoked my numerous spirit guides, meditated on my own inner strength, rationalized that this was all for my own healing/greater good and paid attention to the increasing number of synchronicities as the trip itself approached. 

I planned to leave Los Angeles two days prior to the celebration which would give me time to adjust to the time difference. The main event was a formal ceremony which would offer minimal interaction with the individuals. However, the free time before and after the ceremony itself was where I anticipated any possible interaction as we would be free to mill about, and that was what triggered the anxiety. Also, there was a second, less formal event where I knew additional family drama might raise its tragic head.

I developed the attitude of 'I’m simply going to do what I feel is important to me' and if anyone would give me grief, I would simply reply "I no longer care what you think. I do what I feel is best for me, for my greater good, not yours."

Kind of a polite "Go fuck yourself!"

Plus, I was there to honor the celebrant and no one else. Period. Case closed. Move along.

Everything I saw/felt/interpreted indicated the trip itself would be smooth and positive. Yet, the anxiety persisted.

As I hate traveling anyway, the night before leaving I had a difficult time sleeping; tossing and turning almost all night. I tried every trick I knew to relax-a white noise app, a guided meditation app, melatonin-but the anticipation of what could happen along the way and while there was also a bit of a worry. Okay, a major worry, in spite of the fact I knew I could control nothing but my reaction to whatever might come up.

Other than the traditional rough landing at my final destination, the travel itself went well; the plethora of synchronicities surrounding the departure gate for the last leg was overwhelmingly supportive. "All would be well," they said. I felt blessed.

Once I arrived, I began to steady myself for the event two days later. It all seemed to be so surreal, yet actually happening. I kept up my mantra, "I can do this, it’s for my greater good. I can do this, it’s for my greater good."

The two nights I was there before the ceremony, I had an even harder time sleeping, tossing and turning all night, suffered bad cases of indigestion, and now higher anxiety as the reality was now setting in. Plus, I was not in the comfort and safety of my home, my bed. Still, I continued my mantra, "I can do this, it’s for my greater good. I can do this, it’s for my greater good. I can do this, it IS for my greater good, damn it."

While some anxiety is normal, I think the amount I was feeling was a bit extreme. I believe the emotional attachment I once had to these people and amount of time that had passed since I last saw them had allowed the pain to fester all of which kept me from fully grounding myself. Plus, this was family which seems to carry added weight.

I knew I had no control over anything but my reaction. I knew I had to get through this struggle. I knew I would get through this moment. I knew the Universe was teaching me a lesson and I would be fine in the end. Yet, the anxiety was still overwhelming.

On the hour’s drive to the venue, I practiced settling myself-deep breathing exercises, picturing my safe place, connecting with my guides. One family member, who was in a similar boat as I, shared his strategy as to how he planned on surviving this moment. Knowing I had an ally on my side was very reassuring.

We arrived at the venue, parked and found some seats in the auditorium. After greeting some of the others already there, the particular two individuals in question finally arrived at the ceremony. I decided to take my power back and walked up to one of them. After a brief moment while he finished another conversation, we extended our hands, shook them and exchanged a "How do you do?" and a "Fine, thank you." He then turned and walked away. The other was busy so I returned to my seat. Following the ceremony, everyone milled about the foyer and entryway while waiting to leave for the second event. I had found out these two people wouldn’t be going, so I could breathe a bit once we were on our way. Shortly, the two came up to me; we shook hands, and they said their goodbyes and were off.

And that was that. A grand total of about two minutes caused me so much anxiety that I was physically ill at times and then turned out to be nothing like I had imagined.

Why is it we blow such things so out of proportion? I believe it’s because we attach too much emotion to situations especially where family is involved. I don’t mean to suggest emotions are bad, but sometimes we allow them to cloud our judgment. I’d been through difficult times before but to me, this was very different. Perhaps it was because these were two family members with some long and difficult history between us. Perhaps it’s also because we want to believe we will be safe so we imagine all the worst case scenarios in order to be prepared which triggers the anxiety and then it almost never turns out the way we imagined. Funny, that. It’s like an emotional catch-22.

So, what was the Universe teaching me here? 

1. Stop overthinking, for one; but that is so much easier said than done. 
2. In reality, nothing turns out how we imagine it will. 
3. Let go of what you can’t control. 
4. Trust in the Universe and in yourself.

Perhaps all of the above. With an emphasis on the last part of the last one.

Life is not about the destination but is the journey itself and what we learn along the way.

Especially from the bumps we hit...