- Red wine or white?
- Dark chocolate or milk?
- Madonna or Cher?
I also know we all have our personal beliefs when it comes to politics.
Yet, I have been struggling lately; especially with this last one.
As I have been walking this newer path, or at least trying to, I seem to have hit a wall, which, I know, is normal. But, this is a difficult wall to climb. It’s also a very painful one.
In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz shares some ancient Toltec wisdom to help bring peace and enlightenment for us to live by in order to better today’s society. There are four agreements that he says the ancient Toltecs lived by:
- Be impeccable with your word.
- Take nothing personally.
- Make no assumptions.
- Always do your best.
Two of those I can easily live with.
Two of those I struggle with, especially in today’s very difficult times.
In Buddhist Boot Camp, Timber Hawkeye describes his journey to spiritual understanding. He has stripped away all the trappings of Buddhism as a religion and presented the results, the basic tenets, as an inspirational guide for each of us to be a better person regardless of our personal faith.
In it, he explains Buddhism teaches that the opposite of what I know to be true, is also true. It's just true for someone else. And that’s when the conflicts begin; when we try to impose our truth on someone else whose truth is different than ours, then they resist which we sometimes take personally. "Can’t they see I’m right?"
Years ago, a colleague of mine was very supportive when my husband divorced me. "You deserved better, you were too good for him," she’d say. I felt safe (to an extent) with her. She later openly stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. (This was before the US Supreme Court decision.) When I called her out on her stance, she cited her religious views and claimed it wasn’t personal.
"Bullshit," I said. Even though she was coming from her place of truth, it subjugated me to second-class status as it denied me the same rights accorded by marriage that she takes for granted. How can I not take that personally? Yet, we were both still coming from our respective places of truth. We never came to an understanding. In 2015, the US Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex couples and the right to marry. I'm not sure how she accepted that ruling. I was so overcome with emotions, I framed the LA Times and hung it proudly in my entryway.
With the current stepped up verbal, political and violent attacks against the LGBTQIA community, how can anyone not take it personally when votes are cast against us? Especially when those votes come from those close to us?
It is indeed a struggle. I have to ask myself, "Are these individuals actually acting to hurt me and the LGBTQIA community? Are they marking their ballot specifically to spite me?" Letting go of the disappointment that they don’t 'see the light' of the pain they are causing me is difficult. While we are relatively safe in California against anti-discrimination laws, other states still have laws on the books allowing an employer to simply dismiss a worker because of their personal life. And other countries are indeed far worse.
Sometimes I question whether it's worth my energy to talk to these individuals. Will they see my side and see that I am right? Will they at least listen to my argument that "We the People" does indeed mean EVERYBODY? In my early years of activism, I learned when to give up on a lost cause. I have learned when someone will at least listen and maybe take my side into consideration. I try to keep that distinction in mind.
At a recent meeting of my LGBTQIA writers' group, I noticed some word art on the walls of the home where we were meeting. One particular piece that caught my eye said something like "I get wherever I need to go, I get whatever I need." Or something to that effect.
The next day, an article appeared in my Facebook timeline, newsfeed, or whatever they’re calling it this week. The article was titled Feeling Offended by Anything (or Anyone) is a Choice. The author, Jacky Exton, believes that we assign our value to others’ opinions. For example, if someone said I was a lousy teacher, I’d be offended because I define myself as a teacher. But, if someone said I was a lousy flamenco dancer, I wouldn’t take offense because I don’t define myself as a flamenco dancer. So, we define ourselves by external labels and then value ourselves by how other people see us in those labels.
I define myself as a citizen of the United States. I have been taught I am entitled to the same unalienable rights as every other citizen of this nation. I also define myself as gay. Yet, others don’t believe that LGBTQIA citizens are entitled to those exact same unalienable rights. They vote for parties and candidates who want to take them away. How am I not supposed to be offended? How can I not take this personally?
More importantly, how, amongst all this, am I to maintain peace of mind?
When people look at their ballot, they have a lot to consider. They bring in a lot of questions, thoughts, and ideas from their personal truths. Do they stop and think about all the individuals in their lives and how their votes will affect each of them? Most likely not. I have a hard time thinking that my friends mark their ballots specifically for anti-LGBTQIA parties and candidates in order to spite me. Wouldn’t that be an assumption if I thought they really did vote that way? It would.
Does it still hurt? Yes.
Buddhism also teaches that we can’t control others’ actions, but only our own reactions.
So, it’s up to me to choose how to react;
- I can do nothing at all or,
- I can make assumptions and take things personally which I could internalize and ruminate or,
- I can be righteously indignant and turn that into action or,
- I can continue to learn to value myself as I see my self.
So, it seems I got what I needed from that article when I needed it.
This may not help me alleviate the pain and disappointment right now, but it’s giving me a road map to get me where I need to go.
Both "The Four Agreements" and "Buddhist Boot Camp" are available on Amazon.com
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