Dark Night

 

They say you should be kind to everyone because you do not know what they are going through.

If you only knew what is going on in my head and heart right now.

My emotions have been on a roller coaster lately. There are days it takes everything not to scream out of frustration. Yet, I can't pinpoint what is frustrating me so much. There are moments I want to collapse in a sobbing heap. Yet, I can't figure out what is making me want to cry.

I experience bouts of extreme fatigue which I think only adds to the frustration and sadness.

There are times I just want to stay home and avoid people altogether, but I remember I have a job and also need to run errands; grocery shopping and teaching definitely involve other people.

Then there are times where I am feeling better and ready to get on with life.

And I can't pinpoint what is causing all this. Perhaps it's simply the current Venus Retrograde while the Sun is in moody, emotional Pisces. But, that just began. My roller coaster has been going on a bit before Venus turned on us.

Or, perhaps it's something bigger.

They say everyone experiencing spiritual awakening goes through a Dark Night of the Soul-a shedding of old beliefs, thoughts and behaviors to prepare for a higher level of consciousness; a separation of the Ego from the Soul. That may be where I am now. I thought I had gained some understanding or some comprehension of all of the synchronicities I'd been experiencing which led me to a positive revelation. I thought it signified that a reunion with my Twin Flame was in the works, but then I went into a panic-what if he really did come back? After realizing I was not ready for or even wanting a relationship (for now), the thought of him possibly coming back made me begin to question what I really wanted. What was I ready for? What did I really, truly want? I don't know. True, he's let me down, and I accept that he wanted and needed to find out about himself as he told me he wasn't ready. He was too young. Now I realize that if he does come back, the possibility exists that he will let me down again and that triggered an avalanche of negative feelings toward many people and areas in my life; dating post divorce and after this particular break-up has been extremely disheartening, friends have recently let me down, blood family also has let me down time after time after time. I can only keep opening the door to these people so many times before grabbing a hammer, some nails and several sturdy 2x4s and nailing that fucking door shut!

 

I find that constantly putting my faith, trust and happiness in other peoples' hands has only lead to distrusting, to being guarded, to being closed to anything because they keep dropping it. So, why should I bother? The only person I can fully rely on is myself. Aha! Maybe that's the lesson, or at least one of them, that I'm to learn in this long Dark Night.

I realize all of this confusion and unlearning of past behaviors is an important part of the Dark Night of My Soul. And it seems to have been triggered about the time I met this young man I believe to be my Twin Flame.

The Journey of the Twin Flames is characterized by tremendous growth-both emotional and spiritual, leading to the healing of deep core wounds-abandonment issues, self-esteem issues, self-love issues, among others, because the Twin Flame is the mirror you see yourself in, all the bits and pieces, both good and bad. Therefore, the Twin Flame Journey is more about oneself, than the joining of the two. It is possible, and sometimes happens, that Twin Flames do not end up together because one, or both, of the parties is not yet ready to handle the intensity of their own healing in order for the relationship to flourish, therefore leaving one of the Twins in a kind of limbo.

This Dark Night of My Soul seems to be lasting a long time, like an Arctic Winter night. But, shedding such beliefs, thoughts and behaviors can't be rushed. And, as they say, it's harder to teach older dogs new tricks.

But, they also say, every night has a dawn.

Even an Arctic Winter one.

And, I'd like to add, "take no shit."