Priorities

As I posted recently, I am having difficulty seeing myself in a new relationship. I see some very attractive, sexy men, yet cannot picture myself with them. Maybe just for a cup of coffee, maybe not even that.

Yes, I have been recently hurt, and very deeply. So, yes, 'once burned, twice shy' and all that. And I feel safe to say, this was more than just being burned-is 'conflagrated' a word? Maybe 'incinerated' is a better choice.

And a few months later, when I thought I felt a bit ready, I tried stepping out a bit, only to meet an army of dishonest or disingenuous men. 

So, it is possible I am hiding behind fears. I am openly admitting to the possibility. 

But, I think it goes even deeper than that.

I have mentioned the rampant ageism in the gay male community; that many younger men see those of us over 50 as 'gross', 'creepy' and 'shouldn't be allowed in clubs.' And many men over 40/50 don't want to deal with their own age group for the extra baggage we may carry. 

But, I think it goes deeper than that, as well.

I've also recently posted how my values don't seem in synch with what I see in the gay community. In this last relationship it took me two years to realize I had feelings for him as they built organically and very naturally and were based more on internal factors than his external appearance. We took the time to allow the friendship to develop first and foremost. Most men don't want to waste their time building a stronger foundation to withstand the storms ahead.

It appears to me that many relationships start out built on superficial attractions. And while some physical attraction plays a part, there is more to a relationship than the physicality of it all.

As humans we make time for what matters to us. We make time for those people and events that are important to us. Well, maybe with the exception of our jobs and careers. I mean, we have to pay the bills, right-so we just show up. I had met someone who said he liked me; he said I was handsome and sexy, he was interested in getting to know me. Yet, three to four days would go by before he would reply to a text message, or a phone call. Friends would frequently come into town and he'd need to entertain them. He didn't make time at least to say "Hello, I'm thinking of you." If he wasn't off to work, he was off to an appointment, or a night out with friends. He might message me on his free time, not free up some time to talk or get together with me. I was not a priority.

Granted, we don't always want to appear too eager to a potential date/mate, as it could possibly scare him off. I get that. But, what happened to good old-fashioned communication? Showing someone you care or are interested. Or, just good old-fashioned politeness; treating others as you want to be treated. Actions over words. 

Getting to know someone takes time and energy. And I don't feel I have the time or energy, right now. Okay, time I can work with, I can free up some time, but creating the energy is different. I am just not motivated.

The idea of getting to know his likes and dislikes is very unsettling. The idea of someone in my personal space feels very threatening. The idea of coming up with ideas for dates, or other fun things to do to get to know him is daunting. These ideas sap my energy. 

Yes, these may all be excuses brought on by having been so recently consumed and by the disingenuousness I've encountered, but I feel it is where I am right now.

A relationship is just not a priority.

I need to make myself a priority.

And develop a relationship with me.