That Sinking Feeling

It's beginning to sink in.

I'll be debt free soon.

Except for my mortgage, that is.

I'm watching my progress on my dashboard at the debt management program's website where I'm enrolled. While I am embarrassed to state how much I owed before, I am proud to say I have paid off 96% of  that debt. One more account will be paid off in a month, and the last one the month after that. Visually I can see the progress as they show a bar graph with one bar showing what I owed when I started, and the second one showing what I currently owe. I love watching that second one shrink! I often check in on the website just to give myself a boost when I'm having a rough day.

I share my progress with some very close friends who congratulate me and I beam with pride, yet I can't quite internalize what I've accomplished even though I'm watching my progress.

And yet, I'm writing down lists of things I need or want to accomplish, once I am no longer sending that payment.

I need to:

• clean or replace the upstairs carpeting;
• replace the dishwasher and stove;
• redo the front flowerbeds and back garden;
• buy new pots to transpot my houseplants;
• attend to small household repairs;
• rebuild my savings.

I want to:

• continue to make my mark on my house with artwork and other furnishings that reflect me;
• replace the curtains in my office as they're faded and need replacing;
• replace the curtains in the guest room to match the other drapes upstairs as I have a theme going;
• replace the living room sofa as my dogs ruined it;
• replace my camera;
• replace my laptop;
• update my wardrobe by replacing the clothes that are worn out or stained;
• live a little! Okay, maybe live a lot!

I think the fact that I'm making lists is proof that I know where I'm going, I know what's happening. And that's good.

I think the fact that I can't feel good about the success is a bigger issue. And that's not so good.

I think that comes from never feeling good about my successes before, because they were never acknowledged for what they were, "Very good, but you can do better."

I just don't know how I can do better than paying off all this debt. On my own.


Well, I can do better by learning to better live within the means I will have, while making the necessary purchases I need and want, yet not all at once. And by truly asking myself if it is a 'need' or a 'want' and if it's a 'want', can I live without it? Then act accordingly.

I can also do better by taking time to just sit with the emotion I get when I start to see what I make of my house and as I see my bank accounts grow. In other words, as I make each repair or purchase, just sit and reflect on the fact that now I can do it, I can make the necessary repairs, or desired purchases.

And then appreciate it.

I'll just take it one step at a time.