A Shovel

It seems I am in a deep blue funk again and I can't shake it. It began when I returned to work after the summer, so I have a feeling work is the catalyst in play here, though I feel it goes much deeper than that.

Yes, I am demoralized regarding my work, and I can only make the best of a horrendous situation, which is not easy, and the problems regarding being a public school teacher today would be a whole new blog. And many have blogged about them.

So, I'm not going to go there in this post.

I just celebrated four years post-divorce, if celebrated is indeed the right word, for these years have been a grand struggle. There have been losses: my marriage being the first loss that comes to mind; I also lost a somewhat freer social life where I could enjoy my life and be out on the town more often as I had my ex's income to help with expenses; I have also lost a sense of independence as I am now the only one to take care of the household chores and due to limited finances I can only enjoy myself so much while saving for house and car repairs and other necessities, while rebuilding my savings which I also lost.

Mufasa and Simba

There have also been the losses of those who were here for me every day; my two dogs and cat who kept me going when my ex moved out. There was also, most recently, the passing of my aunt who was a strong supporter of me throughout my life. 

Gabrielle and Xena

There has been the loss of sense of self as to who I thought I was throughout my marriage and losing that personality will be a blessing, as I'm trying to find out who I am again. Who I am is not who I thought I was. And until I know who I am, I wander a bit lost, dazed, and confused. I am single again, yet at a different stage of life. Single or not, I am also facing the loss of my youth and perhaps those values and perspectives, now that I'm at midlife.

There have been the losses of those men who might have become good friends, or something more.

And all of these losses have left me drowning.

Yet, In spite of all these losses, there have been gains. I kept the house and its accompanying mortgage, and have paid it dutifully on a single teacher's salary. I had to provide a place for my four-legged children, right? I have successfully refinanced the loan to give myself more financial freedom. I have also successfully paid down over eighty percent of my personal debt in these four years and should be debt-free in seven months. I have successfully published a novel and began a couple more, one of which could turn into a series. I have made some new friends along the way, yet none local enough to just hang out with. I have taken more steps to make the house more mine and less what-used-to-be-ours in the last couple of years.

Mi Casa

Why is it with all the positive, I focus on the negative? Am I such a negative person in general? Or is this just an overwhelming amount of loss and change to deal with all at once, however slowly I tackle it all? Or is it just safer to stay where I'm used to?

Or, is it that all these many years of negativity, including the emotionally abusive childhood and the struggle to accept myself as gay, I'm finding it all so hard to overcome despite the years of therapy?  Or am I getting down to the real core of who I am, by digging through all the bullshit I've piled and allowed to pile on me, and getting used to a new me is harder than I anticipated since I'm not used to being positive or recognizing my strengths due to years of being told I had none.

And believing it.

Well, whatever the reason, it's here and I need a shovel.

I better keep digging.