A recent conversation left me feeling all out of sorts.
Really out of sorts.
I can suffer from General Anxiety Disorder, and insomnia, both of which can then trigger my angina and vertigo, and then also feed each other. Coupled with a couple of very stressful weeks at work, the timing and topic of this conversation sent me into an emotional tailspin and then the vertigo and insomnia reared their ugly heads, which kept me up at night feeding the anxiety because of the fatigue. Toss in some angina and I was a real mess.
It was suggested to me I wasn't being completely honest with myself about being in a particular place for the reason I stated, that I may have actually had secondary motives.
And that's what did it.
In certain circumstances, I can understand people having subconscious secondary motives for choices they make. Recently, I went out to a gay bar to simply "get out of the house." It was also suggested I went there to find a boyfriend, or at least a possible hookup. That may be partly true. Well, the boyfriend part, anyway. I have admitted to wanting to meet men and perhaps begin dating. Yet, I have written ad nauseum about the possibility of finding the quality of man I'm looking for in a bar; it's like shopping for Tiffany's at a K-Mart. It ain't likely to happen. Possible, yes; probable, no. Having twice settled for less that what I deserve, and being utterly miserable later on in the relationships, I'm much more gun shy, especially in bars where the idea of just a hookup is on most peoples' agendas.
Not necessarily on mine.
However, in the situation I'd mentioned above, I went to a wildlife reserve, a place I'd been before to walk and take some photographs. This time, I went in order to meditate and to spiritually connect with nature. Yet this place is also known for attracting lewd behavior. Signs are posted warning that the area is patrolled by plainclothes policemen. Because I knew the signs were there, because of my prior visits, it was suggested I went there this time to possibly hookup. And not being honest with myself about that. I was using my spirituality as a cover up.
After the initial anger over having my motives questioned subsided, I reflected on the idea. Had I gone there knowing what I knew in the hopes of a quickie in the bushes or at my home up the street? My gut reaction was a knee jerking "BullFuckingShit, no!"
And then I began to ask myself what will it take for me to take that particular step? To just hookup.
The answer came to me in a flash: karma.
Many gay men and women have some form of internalized homophobia from growing up in today's world. They may not admit it, or even be aware of it. Our churches tell us we're evil and sinful, our families might reject us, we live in fear of maybe losing our jobs, our relationships aren't treated equally. And therefore, many of us lessen our self-esteem and self-worth because of it. Times are indeed changing and maybe the next generation of LGBTQ people won't suffer as many others have and still do.
I know I suffer from some form of it.
Everyone, gay or straight, suffers from some battle of some sort. We do not know what battle scars others have. Having been down the road of cheap, meaningless sex for the sake trying to find a boyfriend, and acceptance from others, and often with men I wasn't even attracted to, I ended up feeling empty, hollow, and hating myself.
I've come too far to risk backsliding into that demon-filled abyss once again. I'm afraid I wouldn't make it back out.
So, where does karma fit in?
I may not be one for quick, anonymous sex with a total stranger in park bushes. Or five minutes after just meeting in a bar or some other location. I need time to develop some connection with him, even if the encounter may be for a night.
I may not understand someone else's life choices, they are who they are, just as I am who I am. If they are comfortable with their choices and where they may be, that's their life; but having been down that road of self-hatred due to cheap, meaningless sex, I cannot add to someone else's own possible negative self-image by using them for my own cheap thrills. I realize we all make our own choices, and possibly adding to someone's possible negative self-image is not one I choose to make. Even if he wants me to.
After all, it's my karma.