A recent conversation left me feeling all out of sorts.
Really out of sorts.
In
certain circumstances, I can understand people having subconscious
secondary motives for choices they make. Recently, I went out
to a gay bar to simply "get out of the house." It was also suggested I
went there to find a boyfriend, or at least a possible hookup. That may
be partly true. Well, the boyfriend part, anyway. I have admitted to
wanting to meet men and perhaps begin dating. Yet, I have written ad
nauseum about the possibility of finding the quality of man I'm looking
for in a bar; it's like shopping for Tiffany's at a K-Mart. It ain't
likely to happen. Possible, yes; probable, no. Having twice settled for
less that what I deserve, and being utterly miserable later on in the
relationships, I'm much more gun shy, especially in bars where the idea
of just a hookup is on most peoples' agendas.
Many
gay men and women have some form of internalized homophobia from
growing up in today's world. They may not admit it, or even be aware of
it. Our churches tell us we're evil and sinful, our families might
reject us, we live in fear of maybe losing our jobs, our relationships
aren't treated equally. And therefore, many of us lessen our self-esteem and self-worth
because of it. Times are indeed changing and maybe the next
generation of LGBTQ people won't suffer as many others have and still
do.
I
can suffer from General Anxiety Disorder, and insomnia, both of which
can then trigger my angina and vertigo, and then also feed each other.
Coupled with a couple of very stressful weeks at work, the timing and
topic of this conversation sent me into an emotional tailspin and then
the vertigo and insomnia reared their ugly heads, which kept me up at
night feeding the anxiety because of the fatigue. Toss in some angina
and I was a real mess.
It was suggested to me I
wasn't being completely honest with myself about being in a particular
place for the reason I stated, that I may have actually had secondary
motives.
And that's what did it.
In
certain circumstances, I can understand people having subconscious
secondary motives for choices they make. Recently, I went out
to a gay bar to simply "get out of the house." It was also suggested I
went there to find a boyfriend, or at least a possible hookup. That may
be partly true. Well, the boyfriend part, anyway. I have admitted to
wanting to meet men and perhaps begin dating. Yet, I have written ad
nauseum about the possibility of finding the quality of man I'm looking
for in a bar; it's like shopping for Tiffany's at a K-Mart. It ain't
likely to happen. Possible, yes; probable, no. Having twice settled for
less that what I deserve, and being utterly miserable later on in the
relationships, I'm much more gun shy, especially in bars where the idea
of just a hookup is on most peoples' agendas.
Not necessarily on mine.
However,
in the situation I'd mentioned above, I went to a wildlife reserve, a
place I'd been before to walk and take some photographs. This time, I went in order to meditate and to spiritually connect with nature. Yet this place is
also known for attracting lewd behavior. Signs are posted warning that the
area is patrolled by plainclothes policemen. Because I knew the signs
were there, because of my prior visits, it was suggested I went there this time to possibly hookup. And not
being honest with myself about that. I was using my spirituality as a cover up.
After the
initial anger over having my motives questioned subsided, I reflected
on the idea. Had I gone there knowing what I knew in the hopes of a
quickie in the bushes or at my home up the street? My gut reaction was a
knee jerking "BullFuckingShit, no!"
And then I began to ask myself what will it take for me to take that particular step? To just hookup.
The answer came to me in a flash: karma.
Many
gay men and women have some form of internalized homophobia from
growing up in today's world. They may not admit it, or even be aware of
it. Our churches tell us we're evil and sinful, our families might
reject us, we live in fear of maybe losing our jobs, our relationships
aren't treated equally. And therefore, many of us lessen our self-esteem and self-worth
because of it. Times are indeed changing and maybe the next
generation of LGBTQ people won't suffer as many others have and still
do.
I know I suffer from some form of it.
Everyone,
gay or straight, suffers from some battle of some sort. We do not know
what battle scars others have. Having been down the road of cheap,
meaningless sex for the sake trying to find a boyfriend, and acceptance from others,
and often with men I wasn't even attracted to, I ended up feeling
empty, hollow, and hating myself.
I've come too far to risk backsliding into that demon-filled abyss once again. I'm afraid I wouldn't make it back out.
So, where does karma fit in?
I
may not be one for quick, anonymous sex with a total stranger in park
bushes. Or five minutes after just meeting in a bar or some other
location. I need time to develop some connection with him, even if the
encounter may be for a night.
I may not
understand someone else's life choices, they are who they are, just as I
am who I am. If they are comfortable with their choices and where they
may be, that's their life; but having been down that road of self-hatred
due to cheap, meaningless sex, I cannot add to someone else's own
possible negative self-image by using them for my own cheap thrills. I
realize we all make our own choices, and possibly adding to someone's
possible negative self-image is not one I choose to make. Even if he wants me to.
After all, it's my karma.
Once someone told me NOT to sell myself short, couple years later I realized I sold myself way short with him.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we don't realize we are selling ourselves short until later. I never realized I was selling myself short in my marriage until after the divorce. It can be hard to realize when we are. Thank you for your comment and for reading.
DeleteBe Strong, be happy, and be fulfilled, no one can rule you how to live your own life, the choice is always yours. I sold myself at the "Blue Light Special", who am I judging .....
ReplyDeleteThat has been my goal all along, to stay true to myself, as soon as I learn who I am again. Thank you for reading and for your comment!
DeleteI'm working on a message about the idea of emptiness for tomorrow that feels applicable here. As I read this, I get a strong sense of fear about this prospect of hooking up and what it means about who you are, who you believe the other man to be, and what even subconsciously placing yourself in a place where such behavior is possible might reveal about you own self worth. A lot of that seems predicated on your beliefs about what a hookup means and has meant in your life. The fact is, it means only what you decide it means. You add all meaning to every moment, experience, person, thought, belief... You get the picture.
ReplyDeleteI'm not suggesting going out and getting laid. I'm suggesting that you meditate on those past experiences and your current situation with a deep knowing of the truth that in the emptiness of all things there is a hidden potential. I promise you that the spiritual man you are now would not have been possible without all of your past experiences. Good or bad, who can say? There is some compassion for yourself available. There is a gateway to gratitude for what every encounter has ever taught you, and for every man who was part of that in your life. Demons are often just angels who've been misunderstood.
Darren, Thank you so much for reading and also for your comment. So much of what you say is true. I did have a follow-up conversation with the individual who suggested I had gone to the sanctuary to possibly hook-up. He countered with the idea that since sex has been used in some cultures as a spiritual release, and many cultures actually see same sex relations as the highest spiritual connection, I was spiritually attracted by the residual sexual energy in order to tap into, or connect with, my own sexual identity, even within the gay male community. Perhaps he has a valid point. It's worth meditating over.
DeleteAs I have been exploring more of my spirituality through Shamanic journeying and healing, I have indeed felt a shift in my willingness to be more sexual. Yet, I also believe one doesn't necessarily need a partner to be sexual.
You are also correct in that it matters totally on what I bring TO the encounter, and what I perceive what he is bringing. But what also matters is what I bring FROM the encounter and that is my biggest fear. What will I think of myself? What will I want from him? What will happen next?
And, I also agree with you that everything in the past has led me to where I am today and I need to go through those experiences, take what I can, learn from that, and let go of the rest.
Thank you again and blessings!