Tuesday, June 11, 2013


I need to learn and practice the fine art of thought stoppage.

Or, I will keep myself getting into trouble.

It's not an easy thing to do.

The thought stoppage, that is.

Getting myself into trouble is quite easy.

Thought stoppage sounds simple to do.

Just stop thinking.

Okay, done.

Because if I don't stop, I could think myself into either depression or anxiety, both of which have trapped me before.

Way back in the day, a couple of years ago just post divorce, I trolled the apps looking for friends, and I stumbled across a very handsome face. A nice bearish, masculine man, with close cropped beard and broad shoulders, whose profile name indicated he was also in education. I sent him a wink, or a woof, or a growl; whichever belonged to that particular app. He replied with the same, and we began chatting. He was a principal of a small elementary school about fifty miles from my house, and  we began comparing our respective schools, educational philosophies, and the like. We talked about meeting over spring break, and I was ecstatic! Here was this very handsome man, wanting to meet me!

All was well, except his spring break was two weeks before mine that year. Well, maybe something would work out. After all, on my break, I could drive down his way, if he had to work the next day, but who would watch my dogs? (I had two at that point.).

We didn't chat for a while, as we both got busy with work, and as his Spring break approached, I asked what plans he had. He was spending the week in Palm Springs.

Ah, Palm Springs, the gay mecca for Southern California. The land of sun, sand and easy sex.

For those who want it.

I was hurt because I imagined him having all sorts of fun out there when I thought he wanted to have some fun with me. I mean, he did send me a crotch picture of him in his underwear. What else was I SUPPOSED to think?

Later, I had been chatting with someone on Facebook, who indicated he might be moving to Los Angeles. By all appearances he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy, and we seemed to share similar political views and senses of humor. He was dating someone at the time, which meant he was off limits. (He was also much younger which underscored the off-limits part, in my head.) We agreed to meet on one of his trips here. I must say I wanted to meet him as a friend, as I said I knew he was off-limits. And because he was moving here, he'd need a place to stay. Besides, it would be nice to have someone around to talk to, to share political discussions with, and just go out for a drink or a meal. And, yes, his boyfriend would
certainly be welcome.

I was so intrigued by this idea, I began to imagine it. I imagined it so much, I wanted it to work out.

It didn't.

I need this on my forehead, for certain thoughts!
I was hurt.

In both cases, I ended up hurting myself. I had allowed my thoughts to run ahead of me. And therefore, this produced anxiety and worry.

Hot Principal was out in Palm Springs having all sorts of fun, when I thought he was interested in me. The cheating tramp!

Potential Roommate didn't want to meet me because...well, I still haven't figured that one out. He just stood me up. Maybe I came on too strong. I don't know and I really have stopped trying to figure it out. Seriously.

The truth is, neither just wasn't meant to be.

Like with The Man I Met; the first man I fell in love with post-divorce. He possessed so many of the qualities I want in a partner; he was my age, he was educated, he had his own career (not teaching), he seemed to have his head on his shoulders. And he was very attractive. My friends even thought we looked like we belonged together as a couple. I also began to imagine us working things out; becoming friends, then lovers, then husbands. It felt wonderful.

I thought a lot about being his boyfriend, his lover, etc. But, when I saw on Facebook he was having dinner with another man, he was cheating on me! And we hadn't even held hands, or kissed yet. Days would go by with no text from him, when he'd drop me a message almost daily the week before. To top it off, when he actually friended Hot Principal on Facebook, I was devastated because he found someone more attractive than me. So, he must be done with me!

Moving forward into dating will  be dangerous territory if I have us married after the first date that goes well! I will need to rein in these thoughts, and follow the second most important piece of advice I got from Al-Anon;

One Day At A Time.

Gods help me!


  1. I'll admit, I'm thankful every day that I'm not single because the idea of dating is an excruciating thought. The ideals are nice - meeting the Perfect Man, getting to know each other, spending endless hours together. But I don't think I could bear the idea of getting to know Keith's idiosyncrasies again. I'm happy I know them now, of course, but all that work to do it! But, on the flip side, I sometimes wish I could be single again. Jeff, you'll find the right guy when the time is right (don't you hate hearing that??). Of course there's no way for me to know that, but I can at least be supportive! :)

    1. Sean, First,I want to thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. No, I don't get tired of hearing "I'll meet him at the right time." For that shows me that those who say it are being supportive of me. And for that I am grateful. But, I have to sort through where I am and what it is I actually want before I meet him. And I do believe things happen at the right time. So, it will happen. If it's meant to be.