I know I’ve neglected posting here but the motivation to do much of anything has been a casualty of both the pandemic and the political landscape here in the US. I hope to get back to posting more regularly.
Someone recently suggested to me that I’d find love again. While it was a nice sentiment and the person meant well, it didn’t truly resonate with me. In fact, it felt downright alien to me and I couldn’t figure out why.
I think I’ve mentioned once or twice before in this blog that I have a slight tendency to overthink. So naturally, I fixated on the sentiment and why it didn’t seem to resonate.
It eventually hit me; it wasn’t the sentiment itself, but the word find.
Then, like Alice, I went down the rabbit hole. What was it about the word find that seemed to irk me?
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| Photo by Louis Moncouyoux on Unsplash |
Well, find implies searching and searching implies there’s something lost. So, if you are searching for something you lost, that implies a need because you wouldn’t be searching for it unless you needed it and need suggests desperation, a weakness, or a dependency. (We need food and water otherwise we’d grow weak and eventually die.) While it’s true, I did lose a relationship when my partner of nearly 16 years suddenly decided he wanted out, I also gained a greater sense of self. So, I lost love but gained myself. Score one for me. So, do I see a relationship as a sign of weakness? Or is it the need of one that’s a weakness?
And, yes, find can also imply a chance encounter, like when I find money on the ground or stumble upon something as in the times I've stumbled upon crow feathers.
When this person said this to me, I definitely wasn't searching for love, nor did I have any hope of stumbling upon a chance encounter with some nice guy in a market or the like. Basically, I'd given up.
It’s been eleven years of singleness, or is it singlehood? Singledom? Regardless, I’ve been independent for a while now. Quite independent. Yeah, I don’t need a relationship. I can handle things on my own. After all, I’ve been doing it for eleven years now. I’ve handled many home repair jobs on my own, from landscaping to some remodeling and redecorating. I mean I hired someone to do most of it, but still. I did it.
Then I saw something that kicked my overthinking into hyperdrive; a meme that suggested that being too independent for a relationship was actually a trauma response.
Trauma? What trauma response? I haven’t suffered any trauma other than shattering my finger when I was six years old. But, what would that have to do with being too independent for a relationship?
Could the divorce be the trauma? No, I was past that. After all, I had dated a bit afterwards. But, nothing ever came of any of them. There was the nice guy I met barely four months after the divorce where a misunderstanding and some miscommunication caused us to go our separate ways. Then there were the illiterate guys on the apps who seemed to want just one thing which I wasn’t prepared to offer which I clearly stated in my profile-NO HOOKUPS. So, I deleted my accounts on the apps, never looked back and decided I was done with relationships because I was exhausted from searching to find The One as well as from trying to explain myself. I was tired of the disappointments, the games, the seeming lies, the illiteracy, of being ghosted. Wait, I may be on to something here.
During all this, I also began to explore my more spiritual side and focused on my own growth as a spiritual being. At one point, I explored the basics of Buddhism and there was one principle that seemed to resonate with me; non-attachment.
Non-attachment is the practice of accepting the fact that nothing is permanent. We could lose everything in one fell swoop. Any natural disaster could destroy a house and all the material items within. We could suffer a financial loss from losing a job or due to overpriced and underinsured medical bills as a result of a major illness or accident. A relationship could suddenly end, like when my husband emailed he wanted out or when my first partner passed away.
In addition to non-attachment, I also like to practice not having expectations from anyone or for anything because when you expect something from someone, you set yourself up for being potentially disappointed. Neither of these practices is easy and I have slipped up on numerous occasions.
Anyway…
With the thought of me possibly hiding behind being too independent to need a relationship conflicting with the aim of not being attached to the idea of having another relationship, I found myself living a tarot card; the Two of Swords.
The message of the Two of Swords is one of facing conflicting thoughts, choices or decisions and being asked to decide while keeping emotions at bay, to look at the situations logically.
So, my dilemma is this: am I avoiding finding love because I’ve been traumatized or have I truly detached from the idea of needing a relationship?
I think the answer boils down to this: would I feel comfortable being vulnerable with another man? I would like to think I would. I know I am capable of taking care of myself and my house. So, I don’t need anyone to take care of me. But, having someone there, just in case, would be reassuring. I can entertain myself with the books and DVDs in my collections. Yet, watching a movie together could be relaxing. But, it also includes the suggestion of at least being open to the potential of entering a relationship. I would like to think that if I met someone who truly knocked my socks off and could accept my eccentricities, I'd entertain the idea of exploring a relationship with him.
Then there would be some practical issues as well. But, those are for another day.
Right now, I just have to decide on a Sword.
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| Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot |
Though something tells me there just might be a third sword.
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| Three of Swords Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot |
