Humbled

It really is humbling when your own words come back to haunt you.
Or kick you in the ass.

Or hit you upside the head

Or all of the above.

It can also be embarrassing.

I’ve  mentioned my anxiety before and how I've tried to manage it and that I felt I was getting a handle on it.

Up until last week, that is.

Normally, I might have an episode that lasts a few hours, or most of a day. Last week, it went on for a few days. 

Okay, nearly all week.

I had been on prescription medication, but at one point my doctor and I felt I no longer needed it. So, I stopped. Yay me. I still have the last bottle but as it takes two weeks for this medication to begin working, it wouldn’t help me last week.

I’ve tried meditation in the past and sometimes that helps, but this time I had a very hard time calming my mind to just be with the anxiety and not attach to it. That makes it difficult to find the trigger of the episode so I could address it without adding to the emotional storm whirling through my mind. I want to tackle the triggers of my anxiety episodes so I can be more prepared for when I am triggered.

At first, I thought it might be the full moon in Aries, an emotionally-explosive, charge-forward sign with the sun in Libra, a sign that seeks balance, calm and fairness. Quite a dichotomy of energies. But, I can't recall being this affected by a full moon before. So, maybe that wasn't it.

I was anticipating chatting with a friend to continue our conversation, but I didn’t hear back for a while, even a bit longer than usual which added to my anxiety. But, something told me this wasn't the trigger.

Since I couldn't identify a possible trigger, I'd tackle the symptoms, at least for now.

I tried listening to binaural beats to help calm me down and they did, for a while. But, my mind took back over and the race was on again.

I have tried medical cannabis, but one bad experience where it actually enhanced my anxiety has caused me to question using it again. I may look into just using cbd oil, the non-psychoactive component of cannabis which has been known to treat seizures in children.

I tried being mindful when I could, like when washing the dishes. “Feel the warm water on your hands. Feel the soap as it caresses the dishes. Feel the texture of the food particles as you wash the plate, now feel it squeaky clean.” Once the dishes were done, so was the mindfulness for that moment.

The smoke from the flashpoint as seen
from the end of my street

I wanted to go for a walk and meditate while walking, “See the trees and how the leaves rustle in the breeze. Listen to the birds gently calling to each other, what are they saying? Oh, a sound in the underbrush, what was it? Can I find what was making the noise?” But, with a wildfire burning nearby complete with its smoke and fine particulate matter in the air we were encouraged to stay inside with windows closed which contributed to my anxiety. I shared news of the fire on Facebook and a couple of people asked about it and how I was being affected.

So, I just learned to try to live with my anxiety. And also not sleep. Or at least not sleep well.

A few days later, I was reading an article from Tiny Buddha that appeared in my Facebook feed. And it hit me what triggered my anxiety.

Unmet expectations.

When I posted the article on Facebook, I was sharing information for my local friends to be aware of. Yet, I was also expecting, probably subconsciously, for other friends to check in on me. Only two did.

Smoke from the fire as seen
from a local school

It was that realization when I was able to kick my anxiety in the ass and let it go. And finally relax.

Many years ago, I learned that expectations are planned disappointments. When you expect something from someone, and it doesn't happen how you expected, if it happens at all, you have set yourself up for disappointment. I have counseled many friends with that exact sentiment. Yet, here it slipped through my fingers. 

I’m glad I was alone when I realized this as I felt very embarrassed for not following my own hallowed advice.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself as I wasn’t exactly aware I was holding expectations over friends' reactions to the nearby wildfire. Or maybe there were outstanding reasons I wasn't aware of that they didn’t see my post.

I guess this is another lesson for me to work on. Or at least be reminded of.

Expect nothing and I won’t be disappointed.

And that includes expectations from myself. 

For information on Binaural Beats and how they work, click here.

To view the Tiny Buddha article on expectations, click here.