Dilemma

Franklin Canyon

I faced a small dilemma this week; une petite crise. There is an LGBTQ hiking group I follow on social media. I've been wanting to join them but have not up til now. They meet at various locations around the LA area usually around 9:00 a.m., which I think is ungodly early. Being that I am out of the house by 6:30 a.m. every work morning, I really, really, really enjoy my lazy weekend mornings and rarely begin my chores before 11:00. (Excuses, I know.) I'm not sleeping in, just enjoying the morning tranquility. This group only hikes on Saturdays, which cuts into my weekend time since teaching takes so much additional time and energy, I need that weekend time to catch up on household chores and to regenerate. And yes, I know, hiking in nature could help in my regeneration.

Franklin Canyon

I also hate driving, because I can spend up to two hours a day in my car. To attend some of these hikes, I would need to give myself an additional hour of travel time to meet at the appointed place. But, I promised myself I would go on the next hike this group had in one of my favorite and local hiking areas; Franklin Canyon. Well, they scheduled one for this week. However, this particular hike was billed as a "singles" hike. When I see "singles" hike or other "singles" events other than tennis, I know people attending those events are hoping to maybe find someone to potentially date to possibly look towards hopefully finding a partner or a relationship and that's not where I am. Plus, if I attend, I'm also giving off that impression, which would be misleading. Hence, the dilemma. So, I decided to avoid this particular hike breaking my promise to myself and wait for the next one that might not be so "singles" focused.

I know I'm not relationship oriented, at least not right now, because when I see other people posting about their date nights, I cringe. A friend posted about her date night with her husband and I was (and am) happy that she's happy, but I quickly scrolled past her posts. I felt uneasy. Another friend filled me in on his date with a guy he had just met, and how they made out, and the idea of making out with someone just felt so wrong. At least for me. At least for now.

Franklin Canyon

Maybe all the phony men I've recently met have something to do with it.

Maybe other recent events have had some part in my current state.

Maybe it's a bit of all of the above.

Maybe it's something else altogether.

Or maybe I'm learning to embrace more of a solitary path as I begin this next chapter in my life.

Whatever it may be.