Christmas Gifts

I have a light little anecdote to share. I realize my posts have been a bit heavy lately.

I finally treated myself to something I'd wanted a while back, yet allowed myself to be talked out of; the tattoo I'd designed after my husband divorced me five years ago. It was my Christmas gift to myself.

I drove down to the studio for my 3:00 PM appointment, signed the papers concerning all the legalities while the artist set up his workstation and dealt with a couple of other things. We then finalized the design, and after about forty minutes altogether, I finally settled myself in his chair for a long session as we'd booked two hours for it. I was ready for it, even if I hadn't been feeling well lately due to a minor illness and major emotional upheaval.

About an hour into the session, I was dying. Not because of the pain, although there were moments and I had forgotten to take something beforehand, but for a cup of coffee as it was now close to 5:00 PM, way past my afternoon coffee/tea time.

As luck would have it, one of the other artists announced he was headed to the Starbucks across the street as he was between clients.

My ears perked up! Starbucks??!! I really wanted to ask him to bring me something, but dare I? I understand that if you don't ask for what you want the answer is always no, and I do feel uncomfortable asking complete strangers for even a simple favor. He did ask the other artists, some of whom put in orders. And I hoped he would ask me, but as I'm a customer and he didn't know me, would he?

He did indeed ask if I wanted something. 

Hallelujah! Praise the arabicas!

I asked for a tall cup of coffee with cream as I wasn't about to trouble him for my usual afternoon beverage from Starbucks; a venti, extra hot, no foam, no whip coconut milk mocha. And I thanked him.

He soon returned precariously carrying the assorted orders and I gratefully accepted mine, took a sip and felt the warmth of the coffee fill my soul and I began to zen out for a moment even while the needle was preventing me from doing so completely. 

Then came my real dilemma. As my arm was still occupied with the needle, I couldn't reach my wallet to  pay him, but I assumed he understood my situation.

What I find interesting about me here is how I entertained the thought of what he might think of me for not offering to pay him just a few dollars for a simple cup of coffee. While I was not having anxiety over it, it still bothered me, as I was brought up to at least offer to pay for something someone does for you. It's the right thing to do. And I hadn't been able to do that.

Yet.

Soon after, he got ready to leave, as his last appointment of the day failed to show up. As he was walking past my chair-it was the one closest to the door-I thanked him again for the coffee and said I'd leave the money with my artist as I couldn't reach my wallet.

He said not to worry about it as it was only a couple of bucks. I replied I didn't want him to think I'd forgotten or was skipping out on paying him, and he said it never entered his mind.

I again realized that I think too much about the most trivial of things.

I also learned that sometimes a nice gesture is just that...it's simply a nice gesture.

The finished tattoo

Settling, Waiting, Or...?

It's strange what comes to your mind early in the morning when you've had a restless sleep the night before during a period of deep emotional upheaval.

I woke to the lyrics of a song prancing around in my head that I hadn't heard, much less thought of, since I last heard it when it was first released in 1970;

Love the One You're With, by Stephen Stills

Perhaps this early morning earworm was triggered by an article I'd read before but recently stumbled on again; The Pain of Being in Love with Someone You Can Never Have

The article describes the pain and suffering of being in love with someone where the differences far outnumber and outweigh the benefits. For example, some of the differences might be:

• lifestyle differences
• neat vs sloppy
• spendthrift vs thrifty
• Cher vs Madonna
• lifestyle choices
• wanderlust vs couch potato 
• omnivore vs vegetarian/vegan
• backgrounds/upbringing
• religious
• familial
• goals
• life stage
• political views 
• age 

Sometimes these challenges can get in the way of any couple's relationship in spite of how much in love they are, and therefore cause the couple to journey onward, yet separately...

Love is not always a happy ending, and yes, sometimes it does mean having to say you're sorry...

To read the article click here.

The song suggests that if that is indeed the case, just move on...love the one you are with. Stop pining over the lost one: 

Don't be angry, don't be sad

Don't sit crying over good times you've had....

And if you can't be with the one you love, honey

Love the one you're with 

It ain't that bleeding easy.

I pay attention for and to signs from the Universe, except when they seem to be contradictory or confusing...leaving both my head and heart spinning mercilessly out of control...in which case I throw my hands up and just flail about...

I had a lot of hope in a recent relationship that came to a downright halt after a bit of sputtering. There were many benefits to this relationship, for both of us, yet quite a number of challenges, and I've blogged about them here before.

I consider myself a spiritual person when I'm more connected to my Self, which I haven't been lately. Due to the numerous deep connections we shared, I'd come to believe this man was intended for me as a possible long term relationship, but on a level much, much deeper than a mere soulmate. He mirrored my shadow self, those negative qualities I'd like to quietly ignore but was now being confronted by, and I faced them with his help. I learned more about myself in this relationship than in all the other relationships I'd had, combined.

And he encouraged me to grow. And I did encourage him, as well. We both came a long way, individually and jointly.

On a spiritual level, this kind of deep, connected relationship is called a Twin Flame, which I've written about before here. Part of the characteristics of this type of relationship is the confrontation (with your Twin's help) of your inner demons, your inner challenges, your own dark side. (I'm not talking evil here, just fears, and negative attitudes/behaviors, e.g., rejection, tardiness, etc.) And this confrontation of your shadow self can lead to tremendous personal and spiritual growth, causing this relationship to be very intense, frightening, overwhelming and powerful. Because of the intensity of this relationship, it can be characterized by a breaking-up/coming-back-together cycle (which can be maddening to the human mind and heart) until the souls are ready to move forward in unity, i.e., the souls are ready to face their demons.

So, in short, we may be destined for each other, but maybe not now. And as souls may go through a few incarnations, it might not even be this incarnation when we eventually unite.

The timing of both the article reappearing and the long-forgotten song lyric crawling into my head as this relationship came to an end is very interesting. Perhaps it's a sign? But, of what?

So, believing what I do, do I move on as the song would suggest? Do I allow myself to be open to other relationships while believing this one was/is something special and very unique and might not be replicated? And if I do meet someone, would he live up to the standard now set by this past relationship? And if he doesn't but I choose to stay, would I be settling for someone less than what I believe my Twin Flame could have offered, had he been ready? And would it be fair to non-Twin Flame? Would I have one eye constantly over my shoulder, wondering what if Twin Flame comes back? Or do I just wait it out? Or do I even want to deal with another relationship at all?

Too many questions...

But, isn't that what life is about....?

I guess I'll just mosey along and see what happens...

...because sometimes the most difficult journeys lead to the most beautiful destinations...

Tears

I recently faced an emotionally difficult decision. 

I had to walk away from a relationship I felt held great potential but wasn't moving as forward as well as I would have liked, leaving both of us very frustrated and hurt. While he now realizes he's not ready for something serious and wants to remain just friends for now (his words), and as I would like to see the relationship continue to develop, I believe the standoff would continue to leave us both confused and frustrated knowing that what he wants, I can't give and vice versa. So, I chose to say goodbye to my best friend. I believe we both are heartbroken, empty and feeling quite a loss. I know I am.

And I miss him.

But the tears haven't come.

I have not been able to cry.

This was a most unconventional relationship, one I never expected to be in, caught totally by surprise that I had feelings this deep for someone so different than I am; 

feelings this deep for someone who supported me wholeheartedly in so many levels of my life;

feelings this deep for someone who helped me learn more about myself in the four short years of this relationship than in the combined twenty-four years of my other long-term relationships;

feelings this deep for someone who challenged and encouraged me to think differently, and step outside my comfort zone;

feelings this deep for someone who encouraged me to be myself, no matter who that might be;

feelings this deep for someone who didn't quite fit "the list" I had written post-divorce putting out to the Universe what I wanted in my next partner;

feelings this deep when I had given up hope of meeting someone;

feelings this deep for someone thirty-some years younger than I and over one thousand miles away.

And I miss him badly.

But still the tears can't come.

Does this mean I had already accepted it was over but couldn't face ending it myself? I don't know, I was miserable in the last years of my marriage but couldn't fathom taking that step to end it. 

Does this mean I had hoped things would continue to change even when evidence began pointing to the fact they no longer were? This is hard for me to accept because, for a while, I had seen the changes I had hoped to see, along with the incredible and sincere effort he was making to effect those changes.

Was I reluctant to acknowledge it really wouldn't work because of the differences between us despite all of the amazing green flags that I saw? I don't know.

And I miss him terribly.

But still the tears don't come.

Is this a sign I haven't quite given up hope it will eventually work itself out? We connected creatively. We connected spiritually. We connected first as friends, which grew into deeper feelings that we both wanted to explore; both of us wanting to build the friendship into something bigger, deeper. We both acknowledged this was a relationship unlike any other we had ever had which both frightened and excited us. We had always told each other that his happiness was more important-that whatever made the other happy far superseded our own pain at losing the romance while trying to maintain the friendship.

We could talk openly to each other about anything. We talked openly about the challenges we saw in the relationship. We talked openly about how we felt that together we could conquer the challenges. We talked openly of our fears and helped reassure the other. We talked openly to each other when we were upset and how we could compromise to avoid such issues in the future. We talked openly of our hopes for the relationship, for ourselves and also for each other. We talked openly of our own personal bad days and supported each other in helping him through it. We talked openly of our grief when we lost someone important to us. 

We saw each other as friend, boyfriend or possible partner and we floated between the roles with the ease of a knife sliding through soft butter. I could talk to him as my friend or flirt with him as my boyfriend. I could imagine him sitting next to me in my car; reading a book next to me on my sofa; writing lyrics while I finished a chapter in my novel; lying next to me in my bed cuddling during a rare California rainstorm. It all felt so natural to this jaded old man.

And now it's all gone. I miss it all.

And I miss him so very much.

And still the tears won't come.