Lucy's Chickens

I recently did something I’d always wanted to.

I watched all 179 episodes of I Love Lucy in order. I didn’t binge on them watching them back to back. But, I did start at the beginning with “The Girls Want to Go to a Nightclub” which originally aired on October 15, 1951 and concluded with “The Ricardos Dedicate a Statue” with an original airdate of May 6, 1957. I’d watch two or three episodes before bed or when I had some time. I didn’t check when I started, and I was interrupted by a weeklong trip to Georgia. So, I had no rush or a timetable; I just wanted to watch them in order over time at leisure.

I’ve been a fan of both Lucy and Lucille Ball for years. I’ve often remarked to myself and those other fans I know, how moments of our life today can be found in I Love Lucy.

We can even learn lessons from the original Fab Four-and-a-half; Lucy, Ricky, Fred, Ethel and, of course, Little Ricky. 

I’ve been exploring a possible relationship with someone very close to me. Yeah, I know. Why explore a relationship with someone not close to me? But, he is a very dear friend and I believe that the friendship itself would be the foundation for something really special between us. But, I digress from Lucy.

Lucy and the black eye

I was watching the Connecticut episodes near the end of the series when this lesson hit me harder than when Ricky tossed the book at Lucy giving her a black eye.

This lesson was about me in this possible relationship.

I’ve always had the tendency to think of the negative when things don’t go as anticipated. He and I have no set rules as when we will contact each other, but we try every day to chat at least once in the morning and once in the evening, sort of a "good morning" and a "sleep well" chat. When he can't make the morning chat, he lets me know ahead of time. So, I've come to anticipate this pattern. I understand things come up and he might not respond as quickly as I might, or our timing might be off due to said interruptions. Frequently, I have jumped to the conclusion that he either forgot me, found someone else, or simply changed his mind and has ghosted me, in spite of his many reassurances he’s not going anywhere. (At least I’m not picturing him lying dead in a ditch somewhere. I’d call that progress.)

Every time things haven’t gone per our pattern, I’ve asked or he’s immediately explained what happened and I find our communication gratifying, though I’m sure he must be getting tired of my insecurity.

Back to Lucy. In a pair of episodes, Ricky and Lucy decide to raise chickens to sell the eggs and the Mertzes move to Connecticut to manage the business. After a few missteps, Ricky gets tired of waiting for the hens to begin laying so he decides to sell them and get out of the egg business. When the poultry man arrives to buy the chickens, they are missing. Spotting one of the missing hens in Ethel’s hatbox, Ricky then accuses Fred of being a chicken thief whereupon Fred accuses Ricky of planting the hen in the hatbox to scapegoat Fred and cop the profit for himself. The argument escalates to where all four adults end up accusing each other with Lucy and Ethel also getting swept up in the accusations when some hens are discovered in the Ricardo’s living room. 

As it turns out, no one is a chicken thief as Little Ricky, wanting to keep the chickens, conspired with his next door neighbor to hide them!

And that’s when it hit me, the reason for many misunderstandings is rarely as severe as we often make it. These four adults were jumping to conclusions when the reason behind the missing chickens was simpler than they thought. 

So, the next time things might not go according to our pattern, I’ll invoke this episode to remind me, that the reason of my doubts and fears is far less complicated than the conclusion I’m jumping to. 

And no one is a chicken thief. 

The Tower

There are a few cards in the Tarot Deck that are not the most pleasant for the reader and may actually illicit fear in the client upon seeing them in a reading.

• A few from the Swords suit come to mind, and in my opinion, the 3 of Swords is one of the most troublesome.
• In the Major Arcana, Death, the Devil, and the Tower stand out to me.

As a reader, I try to caution anyone I read for not to take those cards seriously as they (the client) do not understand all of the associations with the cards and how they interplay with the other cards in the spread as well as with the position the card occupies in the spread itself and how the card turns up; is it upright or reversed? Sound complicated? Mhm. Yet, I can understand the client’s shock on seeing the cards if they turn up in a reading. After all, depending on the artist, the images can be quite disconcerting; let alone the names Death and Devil.

I recently posted about my life being an example of the Chariot card.

In reality, this could be a Tower moment for me as well.

In the traditional rendering of the Tower card, we see a tower being struck by lightning and two people falling from it; a man and a woman. One of them is dressed rather poorly while the other is well-dressed, even wearing a crown. Another oversized crown is falling from the pinnacle of the tower. Some renditions show waves crashing around the base or foundation of the tower.

How often can we predict or control when lightning might strike? Or the amount of damage it causes? We can’t. The traditional association with this card is a sudden, abrupt change over which you have no control is about to upset things, possibly shaking you to your core or foundation. Not a very pleasant thought.

Some readers associate this card with another famous tower, the Tower of Babel. In the story, man-in his ego-built the tower tall enough to be closer to God, to aspire to be more like Him. God didn’t like this, and struck the tower with a bolt of lightning. Therefore, this card can also be a warning to mind the ego which, coincidentally, is represented by the large crown in the picture.

While the idea of a sudden, abrupt change is never welcome, it can serve a purpose. When things are this shaken up, it can give us the opportunity to rebuild, but even stronger than before, while minding the ego at the same time.  

My divorce was a Tower moment. It came out of the blue, shook me to my very core, yet gave me the opportunity to rebuild myself even stronger. So, all in all, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 

Three of Swords~
Heartbreak

I may be experiencing another Tower moment. Yet this change, while sudden and unexpected, hasn’t shaken me to my core in a negative way or even as deeply as the divorce did. Yet, I feel I am rebuilding myself a bit stronger in this newest Tower moment.

As I stated in the Chariot post, someone near and dear to me has re-entered my life. His return came suddenly, abruptly and quite unexpectedly, just like the lightning. I did feel quite shaken at first as it was a return I had hoped for but didn't anticipate at this time. I always felt our business together was unfinished and our time before might not have been the right time for us. But, is now the right time? Time will tell.

I see myself having changed during our time apart. In the past, when I didn’t hear from him for a while, I felt abandoned as that fear has always been one of my deepest ones stemming from my childhood. Now, I know that fear has nothing to do with me at all. And with him, I know he will get back to me as soon as he is able.

I also want to see things develop on a more gradual, natural basis rather than rushing things like so many people do. There is an old joke playing off a lesbian stereotype. What does a lesbian bring to the second date? The moving van. I’ve heard many lesbians repeat this joke so I feel somewhat safe in relaying it here. We may have rushed things before, which led to the separation and caused some hurt feelings on both sides.

Perhaps our Tower moment was the separation itself which allowed us to strengthen our own personal foundations even more for our time now. Maybe his reappearing in my life isn’t an actual full Tower moment, but a mini-Tower? 

Or better yet, a Six of Cups moment.

Six of Cups

A reunion from the past. 

The Chariot

When I think of a chariot, I think of movement. Forward movement in particular, because it would be hard, if not impossible, to move a chariot in reverse. Horses don't like to back up, especially when attached to a vehicle. I also envision the chariot races from ancient civilizations which in turn suggests speed. Plus with the races, there is a winner and a loser.

As I look at the Chariot card from the standard Rider Waite tarot deck, I see two sphinxes, instead of horses, pulling this chariot. The fact that one is black and the other is white suggests the idea of opposites. In Greek mythology, the sphinx was often depicted as female, while the Egyptians depicted it as male. Again, opposites.

The young man in the image is dressed in armor, a warrior maybe? Yet, he wears a crown. A warrior-prince? The crescent moon epaulets suggest emotions as the moon is said to affect ours. He has also crossed a moat, and water is often seen as a symbol of emotion in dream interpretation, while astrologically, the water signs are said to feel more intensely than the other signs. So, the chariot is moving through some emotional issues.

Above him is a canopy decorated with stars symbolizing the heavens. Divine guidance or protection, perhaps?

One can only imagine the strength needed to control a chariot with two powerful creatures pulling it, be they horses or sphinxes. Without that control, these two creatures could end up going in opposite directions, creating chaos, disruption, and possible destruction in their wake.

Stagnancy isn't pretty...

I am living a chariot moment right now.

My life is moving forward.

Well, it always has been moving forward because time has a habit of just marching onward. We can either move with it and grow, or remain stagnant while it marches on.

And I have been growing.

My chariot has begun to pick up speed, so I need to gather some strength. Perhaps a little control, too.

Someone very near and dear to me has re-entered my life, catching me totally by surprise and quite off-guard. Yet, it has been quite a pleasant reconnection. For both of us.

We have a very deep connection that we recognize but don't fully understand, yet we seem to understand each other in ways no one else can comprehend. Get it?

We are like the sphinxes in the card, quite opposite each other. He's a Leo, a fire sign full of passion, motivation, drive, and physical energy and I am Aquarius, an air sign-full of logic, rationalization, reason, all mental energy. Interestingly, if the body of the sphinx is typically a lion, does that make me the head of the sphinx bringing us together in one powerful creature? Leo falls in mid-summer, Aquarius in mid-winter which places them directly opposite each other in the zodiac, which is located in the heavens. Remember the canopy?

We have an age difference which brings an added dimension to this adventure. The crown reminds me to control my own ego. So, just because I'm older doesn't mean I will always know best. And while I can own up to more life experience, he will still have his own experiences to learn from. And I must let him learn. And not rescue, but support him.

The charioteer is determined. He is focused and serene. He senses victory but must not let himself get carried away; metaphorically by his emotions, nor literally by a chariot out of control.

Balance is the key.

Perhaps this is our lesson to keep our chariot moving in a forward direction towards victory.

This time.

Two of Pentacles

I find it interesting that the more I study the Tarot, the more I find it relates to life. 

I think I’m having a Two of Pentacles kind of moment. Or string of them. Or maybe it’s a phase and I’ll grow out of it.

Or, at the very least, I’ll come to terms with it and just move on.

The Two of Pentacles shows a man juggling two pentacles in the pattern of a figure eight or the infinity sign. Traditionally, Pentacles has been the suit around abundance, prosperity, and material goods. But, the action shown in the Two of Pentacles has also come to suggest something is out of balance or maybe there are decisions to be made. The turbulent water in the background could also suggest unstable emotions. Perhaps I have some decisions to weigh…questions to consider...pros and cons to ponder...emotions to examine.

I feel I’ve been juggling a lot lately. Maybe even more than just two pentacles. 

I won’t deny the human desire for companionship/conversation is growing stronger. Perhaps it’s due to the Great Roommate Experiment, even if I’ve barely seen her in the last few weeks. But, we’ve had some awkward discussions that have led me to rethink whether or not I might want to consider another roommate. Maybe it’s just her personality and a different roommate would work out better. Or, perhaps I’ve been playing the Hermit far too long and am set in my solitary ways. So, roommate or solitude?

Yes, I will admit this has also triggered the idea of renting my extra bedroom out for additional income, even on a temporary basis via AirBnB as has been so often suggested by the roommate. (Evidently, I can dictate the duration and frequency of each rental and I can also remain in my home. Plus, I'd be paid upfront.) After all, I’m now on a fixed income and the extra money would come in handy. So, that is another set of pentacles I’m juggling. Do I rent it out or not, if even on a short-term infrequent basis?

Whether this desire for conversation also translates to mean I might possibly be somewhat open to something maybe more than just a roommate, I don’t know. So, there’s one more set of pentacles, relationship or bachelorhood? And this might be the heaviest set of pentacles I’m juggling, possibly due to the difficult path of finding someone.

I look at the values I’ve discovered or that I've uncovered in myself (weren’t they there all along?) and don’t see them in the gay community. Walking into many gay bars, clubs and other establishments in gay areas and there are baskets full of condoms, free for the taking, should the need arise. The apps are like dial-up-sex; find some hookup for the night without even leaving home and with minimalist conversation.

I like things to progress on a slower, more natural, organic pace. I don’t want to spend the first date deciding who’s the top and who’s the bottom, if there is no deeper connection to be found. Yet, from the conversations I’ve had with friends, that appears to be the norm. It’s all decided before dessert, if it even gets that far. Some guys even put it on their public dating profile for the whole world to see. That’s way too much for me to take in right from the beginning, if there’s nothing deeper. We all know that relationships based solely on sex don’t last.

A Facebook friend posted a meme about gay dating after 30. If I remember correctly, it went something like this, “Are we doing this? ‘Cause I got shit to do!” It’s like a rush to get answers "NOW, DAMN IT!” The games of "who-texted-who last”, “When is it too soon to text after the first date?” and “I can’t be the first to text, I don’t want to appear too eager!” are just beyond my comprehension.

Then, there’s ghosting, zombiing, benching, catfishing, kittenfishing, breadcrumbing and who knows what other mindfuck dating games are played out there. 

Oh, and the infamous gaslighting. Wasn’t there a movie about gaslighting? 

The times I was on the dating sites and apps a few years ago, the comments about men over 40 were disenfranchising, as well as disheartening, with many of these even coming from men over 40. To be honest, I haven’t been on a site or an app in a few years. But, I still don’t think much has changed in that time.

(And before anyone calls me on generalizing, I realize that I am. Yes, I am owning it. I am generalizing. There, I said it. Now, you don't have to.)

The more I get to know myself, the less I see myself out there; both literally (out there mingling meeting guys) or figuratively (out there as a reflection of who I am).

Recently, I shared this concern in a group setting; that once I came out of the closet, I didn’t see myself in the straight community, which makes sense. Now that I’m where I am in my journey, I don’t see myself reflected in the gay community. Someone commented in a kind way, “That’s because you are now coming out of the box. You have come out of the norm.” Hmmmm. Interesting thought, "I’m not normal."

This brings up an interesting paradox: I still mingle in the straight community, but not in the lgbtq community. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel the need to explain/justify myself in the straight community where in the lgbtq community, I might have to because I don’t adhere to their cultural norms. I’m an outlier. To be perfectly honest, I shouldn’t have to explain/justify myself, and I need to be okay with that. I guess that’s where my work is.

Since then, I’ve investigated a few lgbtq social groups-some for men only, others were mixed. I’ve only gone on to find that each group is a microcosm of the bar scene, or the community at large. Some groups immediately want to know your relationship status prior to joining. Other groups arrange events around such statuses. I’ve written about this ad nauseam, so no need to rehash it all again.

As I’ve been on this path focusing more on settling my inner issues, healing my wounds, and discovering my spiritual side, I’ve begun to realize how important that side of me has become. It also brings to mind one particular Bible verse that was drummed into my head when I was more active in the church: 

    2 Corinthians 6:14 King James Version 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Yes, I would like to find someone of a similar path. While I believe it is possible to find a diamond in the rough in WeHo, upon closer investigation it’s more likely to be cubic zirconia. I may sound like a judgmental bitter old man, but I’m also speaking with some degree of somewhat recent experience. A few of the men I’ve met who claimed to be spiritual were more interested in the pleasures of the flesh than the pleasures of the mind-body-spirit connection. I guess we had a different view of spirituality.

So, how many pentacles is that? 

• Roommate or Not?
• Rent or Not?
• Relationship or Not?

Six? (The Six of Pentacles is about resources, knowledge and power, and interestingly there is a scale in the image, suggesting balance. Hmmmmm…)

I think it’s best to take all those pentacles, set them on the ground and let them be. I can't keep juggling forever.

Maybe the pentacles will just roll away and I’ll simply journey on and let come what may.

And then make a decision.

Finding Friends

Have we came to a place where we need to spy on our partners to sustain our own sense of security? Has technology helped give rise to our increased insecurities and sense of distrust? 

I have seen a few videos where jealous females have hired, or been lured by, people to test their boyfriends’ loyalty-all of which was recorded on hidden camera. In one situation, a young man was in a gym and an attractive female personal trainer (who was in on the stunt) offered to help and after a while it was a bit obvious the boyfriend was aroused by the attention. The girlfriend was livid; after all, she was watching all this on camera. So, he sported an erection. BFD. At least he didn’t return the passes the trainer was making at him, though when she did offer him her phone number-for professional purposes-he did take it. In another video, the boyfriend was waiting on a street corner for his girlfriend to show up when an attractive female-also in on it-stopped and asked for directions to a place a few blocks away. She claimed she was new in the area and asked if he could take her there. He stood his ground and said no, that his girlfriend was due there any minute, and that the pretty girl had better leave before his girlfriend arrives because she has a mean temper. That girlfriend was very pleased. But, using a hidden camera team to test your boyfriend’s loyalty? Seriously? Granted, these were all twentysomethings and trust and security are qualities we need to develop. And that happens over time.

Recently, I had a conversation with two gay male friends which left me a bit overwhelmed and left my friends quite perplexed to put it mildly. I was even startled at the vehemence with which I responded. 

Both my friends had recently suffered losses of relationships-one due to a death, the other to a disastrous breakup. Both had started dating again and one couple had reached a point in their relationship where the new boyfriend suggested they use the “Find Friends” app available on iPhones.  

(This is an app that allows people of any relationship-family, friend, partner, etc.-to connect and then see where each other is through GPS.)

Friend 1 reported his boyfriend had said something like this, “I want you to know where I am. If I say I’m at such-and-such place, I want you to see that that’s where I am. I want you to know you can trust me.” (I'm thinking to myself, “Let’s start with trusting and don’t give a reason not to.”)

The other friend commented he thought that was great that they were having that conversation and that his own therapist had suggested to flee from anyone who refuses to use that app.

Something started stirring in me. It was a deep uncomfortable rumbling, not unlike the first waves building to the major jolt of a massive earthquake. And before I could stop myself, the epicenter ruptured.

“What a massive invasion of privacy!” (I believe a few expletives were also uttered but, honestly, I can’t remember.)

My friends were quick to explain that they didn’t see it like that. They used the app to let their partners know where they were. They wanted transparency.

Friend 2 continued, “I want my partner to be able to see when I am leaving work.”

“Why not just call him and tell him? A voice call is much more endearing and shows more effort in the relationship than simply relying on him to check in on you,” I countered. 

“There’s terrible reception with my carrier where I live.”

“Okay, a text then.”

“This just seems to work for us.”

“Well, I just don’t like it for me,” I said. "What if I decided to make an unscheduled stop at the mall to buy Potential Future Boyfriend a surprise gift? He checks in on me, questions me when I get home and the surprise is spoiled.” I was not comfortable with this idea at all. 

And, I know myself. I’d use the app to find out where Potential Future Boyfriend was and if I discovered he wasn’t where he said he’d be, questions would arise; they’d percolate, ruminate and stew in my mind, and his fidelity would be questioned-especially if he were in a gay place. And even if he were faithful, my self-esteem would be shaky. “He said he was going here, but he went there instead, he wasn’t telling me the truth, therefore I’m not good enough.” And I’m out of there. Or, at least the seeds of doubt have now been sown. Yes, I am a tad insecure. Especially in the beginning.

Plus, I respect myself. I am responsible; I am dependable, trustworthy and loyal. (I sound like either a Boy Scout or a Great Dane!) But, if someone can’t trust me enough to take me at my word then that person doesn’t deserve me. If trust is part of his baggage, I will help him unpack it, but in a more traditional, conventional, less invasive manner.

I understand trust is a huge issue in relationships and maybe more so in the LGBTQ community, but spying is not the way to build it. At least not in my book. And it needs to be built over time. Using this app from the very beginning is like handing someone a ready built escape hatch. One slip up and it’s over. It is tantamount to going through a person’s belongings looking for evidence of infidelity, which we sometimes find when it really isn't there.

And I see too many holes in the plan. The plan works only if the phone is with the person and turned on. I’ve gone off for a quick run to the store, leaving my phone at home. And once or twice I'd accidentally forgotten it when I was running a bit late to work. My phone is at home, but I'm not. Oops. (But, there’s an easy fix for this flaw. Simply implant a tracking device into each potential partner and voila! Problem solved!)

Let’s say your partner works from home. They send you off to work with a kiss, and tell you to have a nice day. They know how long of a day you work. Possibilities for rendezvous are endless.  But, wait, you're at work, and the app says they're at home alone. Or are they? (Here's a fix: install security cameras. Aren't there apps to connect a phone to a camera?)

And then there’s the self-saboteurs. Those who sabotage relationships because they want to end it, but don't have the courage themselves to do so. They leave breadcrumbs for you to follow, like Hansel and Gretel. "Here catch me cheating, so you will break up with me, so I don't have to do it."

I think what bothered me the most was that a licensed therapist was suggesting to base the potential of a  possible relationship on whether or not a particular partner would agree to use a Big Brother type of app. What happened to the idea of building a foundation of trust? “If he won’t use this app, he must have something to hide. Run! Run like the wind!” For me, it would be like starting off a relationship where I'm already considered guilty of a crime which was built on potentially circumstantial evidence that may never even exist and I may never commit. And this from a therapist? This adds an extra level of work to an already difficult relationship. Who needs that extra shit?

To be fair, I do see some value in the app:

1. Parents can keep track of their children, or perhaps of an aging relative who has medical needs;
2. Or, in the case of an emergency, like a real earthquake, tornado or nuclear attack, you can quickly track down family members.

I’ve come to believe that technology has taught us to distrust our own feelings, to avoid open and honest face-to-face communication, and to nearly detach from society at large as more and more people hide behind keyboards. Couples connect, and then break up via technology. My own ex-husband emailed me that he wanted a divorce while we were both in the house at the time. Technology made it easier for him to tell me, rather than talking to me face to face. 

I will concede that some people can handle this app. I obviously can’t. I value my integrity and my moments of privacy far too much.

For me, this app is an invasion of both.

Einstein apparently didn't say this, but the picture says a lot. 

Moving forward

Letting go and moving on is hard.

Especially when the love is still there.

And especially when the connection is was extremely deep.

And even more so when he still haunts you, because you focus on why you should be together instead of why you aren't.

And when guys you meet just don't come up to the standard he has now set which, admittedly, will be nearly impossible to surpass.

Nor do they touch my soul the way he did.

Pathway, Franklin Canyon

I guess I just need to try harder to focus on the last thing he said to me, "I'm just not ready."

Which leaves me in limbo, because he may never be ready for a relationship with me. Or if he ever decides he is ready, will he have the courage to find me?

And will I then have the courage to trust him?

I could just allow life and time to take their course and see what happens.

And as long as I'm true to myself, I see no harm in that.

In fact, I see it as healthy.

But, I also struggle with the other question: if no one meets the very high standard he has now set, will I be settling for someone just to be with someone? Yes, I know each relationship is different, because each person is different, and each set of people interacts differently based on numerous factors; age, past histories, upbringing, self-image, ethnicity, national origin- and the list goes on.

But, as a human, it's only natural to question and wonder.

And if I move on, and if I meet someone, and if I start something, and then he comes back, what then?

I'll just have to cross that bridge...if I get to it.

Bridge, Sepulveda Wildlife Refuge

Online Adventures

Online chatting is becoming interesting.

I've noticed a pattern among those responding to my profile. They seem to fall into a few groups:

1. Men who are horny and say so in the first few messages;
2. Men, mostly from Asian countries, who are seeking a boyfriend/husband and say so in the first few messages;
3. Men whose picture doesn't match their description in their profile who are seeking a long term relationship and say so either in their profile or their first few messages;
4. Men who just want to chat and maybe see where things go.

The first group is self-explanatory.

• Him: "Hi, horny?"
• Me: "Nope"

And that's it. Though sometimes they come back and try again. And strike out again. And, once in a while, I see them on my "Recent Visitors" page...like the men who keep circling in the bar, hoping for a different answer the third or fourth time they ask.

The second group seems to be comprised mostly of Asian men, primarily from the Philippines, India or SE Asia, who are seeking love/or a long term relationship and are quite direct in saying so:

• Him: "Are you looking for love or an LTR (Long Term Relationship)?"
• Me: "No"
• Him: "Would you take me for a husband?"
• Me: "If I'm not looking for an LTR, why would I want a husband?"
• Him: "Okay, bye"

And some are quite determined.

• Him: "But, I know I'm the right man for you!"
• Me: "And how exactly do you know you're the right man for me?"
• Him: "Because I can make you happy!"
• Me, thinking: (and you know that because we've been chatting for all of three minutes, yeah, right.)

Two weeks later they message me, "I miss you," like the one night stand who won't go away.

Um, yeah, okay.

The third group is interesting. I'm really beginning to spot them right away. For example:

• The physical description does not match with the picture; Eye color: Brown (yet, in the picture they're blue or some color other than brown.) Or, they say no facial hair while they sport a full beard in the picture; or they don't have tattoos while the arms in the picture are covered with them. (Not the sharpest pencils in the box.)
• The ethnic description does not match with the picture; Yes, I know I am generalizing or stereotyping, but some times things just don't add up. The ethnicity says "Middle Eastern" and the picture is of a blond haired blue eyed man? Perhaps, but my guard will be up. 
• The description of what they're looking for is too damn perfect. E.g., "I am an honest, caring and reliable man. I am also a good listener and I seek a loving man that shares these same qualities. I believe a relationship is built on the loving foundation of trust, appreciation and mutual respect." Or this, my personal favorite: "I want a man who can handle me like the tender fragile egg that I am. I love from the depths of my heart and soul." And you are 25? Yeah, right.
• The photo is of a man in a military uniform. And for some reason, they are all mechanical engineers stationed in Afghanistan, ending their tour of duty in the next six months and are absolutely sure they are the right man for me, and why wouldn't I want a military man. And they tell me all this in about five to six messages.
• Their English is not quite correct enough.
• They usually only post one picture.
• And after a few chats, it hits; they all need money.

These are the hustlers in the bar scene.

Buh-bye.

It's the fourth group that has been the most interesting. And sadly, the smallest. But, definitely the healthiest men in the bar.

Me, on an Alaskan adventure

I have met some genuinely nice men who simply want to chat. There has been no mention of sex. I have had some deep spiritual discussions with a Native American man, several compliments on my Spanish from a Peruvian, a Colombian, a Mexican and a very cute Chilean. A couple of men were interested in my writing or photography and inquired about my work, and a few retired teachers have asked how the profession has changed. One immense drawback, none of them are local. Well, one is; and he may turn into a writing buddy. 

Several friendly chats have started off nicely, yet have gone nowhere. They would start off in general conversation, but then we seem to miss each other. I guess the idea of chatting is to do it live, rather than leaving a message. Maybe live chatting is more important with gay men in case the messaging takes a, um, more, um, discreet turn. I don't know.

A couple of these men have led to the foundation of a nice friendship, however geographically challenging it might be. One even virtually held my hand while I was in Urgent Care for a recent appendicitis scare. (Turned out to be a torn, overworked muscle, but in the general area of my appendix. Better safe than sorry...and I'm grateful he was "there" when in reality he was about 250 miles away.)

Yet, whatever direction any of these conversations take, it will all be one new adventure.

Catfishing Questions

Catfishing, according to UrbanDictionary.com, is "The phenomenon of internet predators that fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into emotional/romantic relationships (over a long period of time)." Possible motivations for catfishing are: revenge, loneliness, curiosity, boredom.

I've recently discussed the idea that people only say what we want others to hear. Following that idea, I'm also suggesting we hear only what we want to hear, but maybe up to a point. And both ideas together are ripe for catfishing or falling prey to one.

I've also discussed my recent online chatting adventures and that one man in particular seemed to have expressed more of an interest in me. And I in him. And now, based on the ideas above, some questions have come up to start me questioning his behavior.

But, first, what are the signs of a catfisher? According to SocialCatfish.com, there are twelve signs:

1. They appear too good to be true.
2. They get too serious too soon, or they appear to care too much too fast.
3. They have very broad interests that could apply to anyone.
4. They don't know what Skype or FaceTime is, how to use either, or seem to avoid it.
5. They travel excessively for business, especially to the Middle East or Africa, usually under the guise of being a contractor or an engineer.
6. They ask for money too soon.
7. They initiate contact via email or chat, as opposed to a social medium, to start a relationship or romance.
8. They have bad grammar, as if English is their second language.
9. They have pictures of friends on their profile that are not in their list of friends, or those who comment are not their friends or seem to not know them.
10. They look like they could be a model or someone famous.
11. They seem unattainable, far-fetched, or unwilling to meet in person.
12. Something just doesn't add up.

Any one sign by itself does not necessarily constitute a catfisher, but the more there are, caution is advisable.

As a disclaimer, this guy and I have been chatting on and off for just about a month. So, some of what I may suspect is still very superficial at this time. But, I'm going through the points above. I'll skip number one as it seems more summative.

Point 2: He didn't seem to get too serious too soon, but did express his concern for me over a couple of rough days I had. We also spent several hours chatting the first couple of days, focusing on how much we enjoyed chatting. And after a few more chats, seemed to suggest we'd be a good match.

Point 3: It seems a bit early to know his interests. But what I do know seem broad; reading, gardening, painting art.

Point 4: Here he is guilty on not using Skype, but is curious about FaceTime. 

Point 5: I would hardly call one trip (that I know of) excessive. And it was to Toronto, Canada. (As far as I know). And he's not a contractor nor an engineer.

Point 6: He has not asked for a dime, so far.

Point 7: Well, we connected via a social medium many gay men use for romance, relationships or just hooking up, whether in person or sexting. 

Point 8: Nope, so far perfect grammar, except for typos which he corrects.

Point 9: Not applicable, as this site is not Facebook-like in that you can't post pictures of you with friends. And only on the website, not the app, can I stalk see who his friends are.

Point 10: Yes, he is very handsome, and sexy. Not sure I'd see him modeling.

Point 11: This is possible, as we chat daily for a few days, then a few without. Again, it's still a fairly short time that we have been conversing, and he owes me nothing at this time, nor do I owe him any explanation. But, still something to keep my eye on.

Point 12: As he's told me he was badly hurt by a romance before, he might be running scared, which could explain the on-again/off-again chatting. He's opening up slowly, as he told me he was, and then taking a breather. Or, it's his way of keeping me guessing. So, I can see both sides of the coin-not always an advantage. 

So, the points somewhat in his favor seem to be Nos: 5, 6, 8.

Points decidedly against: 4, 11.

The rest are a draw: 3, 7, 9, 10, 12. 

So, it's all inconclusive, and partly because it's still too early.

Which means the only path to find the truth is to continue to move forward. I'll stay the course and focus on his actual behavior-and push for a bit of video chatting. And soon.

I'll be comforted by the Buddhist saying, "Only three things can never remain hidden for long; the sun, the moon and the truth." 

And just maybe, he might be a needle in a haystack.

Huh?

I am not sure I heard what I think I just heard.

A colleague just wished her most profound hope for me.

She hopes I can get to a point where I entertain the thought of exploring a relationship with the possibility of getting married again.

WTF?

What was that? Did I hear you right?

You hope I will get married again.

I see.

But a few years ago, you said with heartfelt conviction, as you pointed heavenward, you believed marriage was a God-given sacrament reserved for one man and one woman.

And now you are hoping I will entertain the thought of a relationship with the possibility of getting married again.

To another man.

I am floored.

Deeply touched, honored and moved; yet floored.

We had been discussing the end-of-schoolyear frustrations when we segued into our end-of-career aspirations. I explained that, due to my personal post-divorce financial collapse, my financial adviser suggested I not retire due to my soon-to-be-fixed income and projected inflation rates, unless I found another source of income. My colleague, who I should say is recently married, suggested (for about the umpteenth time)that I get a roommate, "you have such a big house, and don't you live near a college?"

The thought of someone I don't know in my house when I'm not there was enough to send shivers down my spine and I told her so. And I was visibly upset as well, as I literally shivered as I explained myself. Yes, literally.

Then she expressed her hope. And it took a minute or two to realize I heard her use the 'm' word, "married."

About four years ago, when the topic of same-sex marriage came up, she went ballistic and expressed her very religious convictions about marriage being reserved by God for one man/one woman. This astounded me as she had always been on my side once she'd heard of my divorce; "You're too good for him", "He doesn't deserve you", "You have a lot to offer the right guy".  Once, she even told me she dreamed I brought my very handsome, also-writer husband to a staff retreat. She would occasionally ask if I was seeing anyone and I would confide in her I had several issues to overcome before I felt comfortable entering the shark-infested gay dating pool. And yet, her recent use of the 'm' word, in regards to her hope for me, signaled a very big change from the last time we'd discussed the topic of same-sex marriage. I remember those earlier comments, and then her follow-up, "It's nothing personal." And my retort, "You just made it personal" as I stormed off to my classroom to prepare for the day ahead just as the office manager had entered the room due to our raised voices. 

And now she hopes I will entertain the thought of marrying again.

I'm deeply touched. 

I guess attitudes can change.

And sometimes we may never know why, or what caused them to change.

And I guess that's okay.

My Latest Foray...

My latest little chatting adventure has left me a little, no, a lot disappointed.

After the African Gold Mine marriage scam, (see my prior post, Snake Oil? ) I decided to just see what happened, and kept chatting, though more guarded.

One Saturday morning, I awoke about my regular time, ~5:30 AM and for kicks decided to see who had visited my profile overnight. A few guys, but no one who really grabbed my interest. I returned a few innocuous messages, "Hi, handsome!", deleted a few others, "you horny?", when a new one came through. It merely said "Handsome" but there was no profile picture to accompany it. Oh, lord, I thought. I checked the profile page: he lived in Chicago, 5'9", 180 lbs. with brown hair and eyes, and a goatee. Sounded dreamy, but with no profile pic, I was skeptical, and the distance was undesirable. Then I got the notification he was sending me a pic. I prayed it wasn't a dick pic. I waited for the picture to load, anticipation building. Which head would I see, big or little? Finally it materialized in front of me. 

OMG. If I thought Scam Guy was hot, or at least the guy used in the fake profile pic was hot, this guy was even hotter. OMG. Where Scam Guy was very attractive in a clean, masculine preppy way, this new guy was hot in a rugged, masculine way. He was not naked in this typical bathroom mirror selfie, but in a tight yellow t-shirt, hugging a nicely toned chest and biceps, and blue jeans. The baseball cap on his head gave him maybe a bit of a country redneck look to him. But, still, OMG!

Not him, but close

A second pic notification soon followed and again I found myself hoping it was not the seemingly required pic of the little head. It was full frontal, but of his face. His neatly trimmed beard-not a goatee, soulful eyes, and a different baseball cap only stirred my attraction and a few other feelings as well. I mean, damn! He was hot!

And I told him so. 

We ended up chatting a total of over 6 hours that first day.

Three hours into this first chat that Saturday morning, he told me he had never chatted this long with any guy on the site before and he was enjoying himself. He did get a little flirty, commenting we were both sort of in bed together, how sexy that was and that he was in his briefs. But he needed to sign off the site and get his day going.

Me: Okay, I enjoyed our chat, let's have coffee in bed together sometime soon. 

Him: I'd love to.

Me: I'd love to keep chatting to get to know more about you.

Two hours later, he replied: I'd like that too. And besides, thinking of you makes me all warm and fuzzy.

I actually think I blushed.

And we chatted again for a couple more hours, until he said he had to go and take a nap. One hour later he was messaging me again. It seems his dog woke him up! (Good dog!) And I still made him feel all warm and fuzzy. We chatted two more hours until I had to get ready for my evening date with Adam Lambert.

And we ended up chatting for almost nine hours the next day. We set up his iPad so we could chat there instead of on his work phone (he's not out at work) and not through the original site gets bogged down with all the guys looking for hookups, virtual or otherwise. And maybe eventually, FaceTime. I asked him what he did for fun and he replied "reading, building stuff, and painting."

Me: Do you paint buildings or pictures?

Him: Art.

Me. Damn, you just got sexier.

Him: Can you receive a text? (this was pre-iPad)

Me: Yes

A few seconds later I received a text bubble saying "My Rooster." I sincerely hoped he wasn't being coy and meaning something else. Soon the picture came through and it turned out to be a painting of a rooster. A real painting of a real rooster, not his own personal "rooster." A barnyard rooster.

He told me how much he enjoyed our chats, both when we got a little flirty and when we didn't:

Him: Damn, you are so hot!

Me: Thank you, so are you.

Him: I bet you're fun to cuddle with.

Me: Too bad we can't find out in real life.

Him: I know. Big spoon or little spoon?

Me: Either, depends on my mood.

Him: love that

Me: I'd also love to sit and just talk over coffee.

Him: Oh, I'd love that too. I just love chatting with you.

Me: I'm enjoying getting to know you.

Him: I'm yours in so many ways. (A phrase he'd repeat at least twice more) Are you seeing anyone?

Me: No one. Are you?

Him: No. No steady. Could I see a picture of your house? 

I thought it was an odd, yet very different than what many men ask to see. And I obliged, as did he. 

He later shared he was packing for a business trip and leaving the following day, Monday, followed by a pleasure trip. He made it clear he would be alone while on business but with a friend on the pleasure portion that weekend.

Me: Safe travels.

Him: Thanks. We'll chat next week after work.

Me: Sounds good. (I interpreted 'next week' to mean after this week when he was back in Chicago.

I was wrong. He messaged me Monday evening when he was in his hotel room.

Him: Hi, sexy.

Me: Hi, stud.

Him: Sweet talker. I wish you were here with me.

Me: I do, too.

And then Tuesday morning: Hi, sexy.

Me: Good morning, handsome.

Him: How long before you leave for work?

Me: A couple of hours, but I still have to jump in the shower and get dressed.

Him: Hot visual

Me: Oh?

Him: You all wet and soapy...(I have to admit, I'm not used to hearing this kind of talk from a man I think is extremely handsome and very sexy. But, I was indeed enjoying it...)

Me: And I'm picturing you that way too...

Him: Mmmmm

And he messaged me later in the afternoon, but sadly I had an engagement so we chatted again Wednesday morning. And later that evening...

I knew he was going on a pleasure trip with a friend following this business trip, so I didn't expect to hear from him. And only five days into whatever this was going to be, he didn't owe me any explanation.

I gave him what seemed like a reasonable time, two days, to get back home and into his routine when I messaged him:

Me: How was your trip?

Him: Hi, sexy. Great. Back home. How was your week?

Me: A bit exhausting, all my students wore me out.

Him: Oh, you could use a back rub!

Me: Mmm, yes. Or just a cuddle...

Him: Yes

Me: Feels good to be in your arms...

Him: The best

Me: Mmmmm

And there it ended...he never replied. 

And I'll never know why, or what happened...

Though I have my suspicions...

Oh, well, moving along...

But, damn, he was hot!!

Snake Oil?

Why is it we are such skeptics? Is it that we, as a people, have become so used to being taken, swindled, deceived, tricked, and lied to, that we believe when something too good to be true comes along, we believe that it is? Too good to possibly be true?

I recently did something I SWORE I'd NEVER do again.

I put up a profile on an on-line gay chat site. Not one specifically meant to be a hookup site, but more of a chat site. With the abrupt end of my prior relationship, I felt the deep loss of chatting with the other man who I'd been conversing with for four years, and wanted the social interaction, even if it was only virtual. And just maybe, I'd meet a nice local guy to hang out with. I knew the possibility, okay-probability, of being hit on was a foregone conclusion. After all, I was recently hit on on Goodreads, a Facebook-like site for book lovers and authors. I'd simply use the 'block' function as necessary on the chat site.

To check out Goodreads, click here.

In a matter of a couple hours, I had some hits. Several in fact. Yet, not one over 30. Not one from Southern California; but South America, Asia, the Eastern US. Some were cute, some were less so. Some were nice and wanted to chat, some wanted to jump right to it; "Hi, you horny?"

And my personal favorite: "Hey, you a dom? I'd beg to service you behind my boyfriend's back."

A few men my age also visited my profile, some said hi, some floated by-I felt like I was in a bar, but without leaving home.

The next day, one particular message caught my eye. A strikingly handsome man (I mean actor/model good looking) messaged me asking me how I was doing and how was the weather by me. I replied and we continued chatting, and he shortly suggested we move to Skype. We have been chatting nightly since then.

During our very first chatting session, he put all his cards on the table stating what he was looking for and what he brought to a relationship. His words sounded so familiar, it was as if I could have written them myself; he wanted honesty, truthfulness, open communication, monogamy, acceptance of both what he is and what he is not, a partner willing to work on the relationship when it gets a little stale, someone who would nurture him to be himself and a partner willing to be nurtured to be his best both within and without the relationship, a partner willing to support him to achieve his goals and dreams as he supported his partner to to do the same.

All this, and a willingness to take it slow and not rush anything.

I mean, what more could I want? I began lowering my defenses.

Yes, I did find his abruptness a bit intimidating, while refreshing at the same time. I looked at it a couple of ways: He wasn't into game playing-if I wasn't looking for a relationship, let's cut the losses now and not waste time, energy or our emotions, and he had been hurt and wanted to avoid it again.

Did I say he was handsome? And from what I could see in the pictures, (all very G rated) he had a nice, hunky muscular body.

Because of my skepticism and recent heartbreak, I started looking for cracks, finding flaws and faults. One little one stood out; his profile picture showed a neatly trimmed beard, while the profile description said "No Facial Hair." Okay, maybe he shaved and hasn't changed the picture or vice versa-he grew his beard and hasn't changed the description. No big deal. I'm hoping for the latter.

In chat session two, he began expressing some vulnerability, exhibiting some pain. Vulnerability can be very sexy. He described his issues around body shaming, how people had made fun of and make jokes about his body. I had a difficult time comprehending how people would make fun of his body if he was a muscular as the pic showed. (I should say only his head and shoulders were visible.) At times, I did feel he was expressing too much too soon, and felt a bit scared, but found his openness refreshing. And I was responding with similar answers. He was asking mostly deep questions-what past mistake(s) would I change and why, and a few superficial ones-my favorite color, my favorite flower; we talked life, we talked our approaches to relationships. We talked how we'd been hurt, and how we'd let ourselves be hurt. And, maybe he just wanted to avoid any game playing up front. Defenses falling a bit more. Heart opening up, but just a tad.

I'd noticed some other small things. When we were chatting, there were some grammatical errors, mostly minor, and as a teacher/writer they glare out at me. People don't text/chat as we speak, so I was willing to overlook them. After all, texting on a phone with it's small keyboard can be a challenge at times.

My self-esteem started to rise along with my general mood. Here was an extremely attractive, kind, decent, hardworking man (he owned his own business) who shared very similar, if not nearly identical philosophies of life, love, and relationships with me, and we were chatting, now nightly. He was looking to love someone and be loved, ready for a relationship, to give his all. It was nervously exciting, yet eerie to be in this position barely a few days after posting my profile! My heart is now more than just a tad open.

It all felt too good to be true. Something seemingly so perfect, right after such a devastating heartbreak. Was the Universe bringing me some happiness at last? Someone who was ready to love me as I deserve to be loved? My defenses were falling with each and every chat, while my attachment was growing.

Yet, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. There has to be something amiss, here. But maybe not? There must be someone else out there like me. Surely?

We chatted a few more days, developing a bond, a desire to meet, to visit each other. I began wondering which of us would end up having to relocate; he had a successful business in the Midwest, and I have a house in Southern California. Yes, I knew it was early to be thinking this, but I'd prefer to cut my losses early rather than late. Especially, if I felt a very deep possibility of something good here. A very attractive sexy man, espousing the same values I have, wanting to move slowly as he gets over his pain and acknowledging mine really paints a good picture of the possibility of something good. I couldn't help but start falling for these beautiful words, from such a gorgeous man.

In one chat session on a Wednesday night, about two weeks later, he dropped the bomb; he could wait no longer to meet me, he was flying out. That weekend. Panic set in. Fear followed right behind, with a dab of excitement entering as well. My mind was in a twirl. I'd heard of people connecting very quickly and wanting to pursue it and could I be honest with myself regarding him-or was I merely a sucker for a handsome face attached to a gorgeous body who saw life, love and relationships as I did, especially when the last man I loved was too insecure to FaceTime with me?

What more could I ask for? Defenses down even more, while remaining guarded, yet becoming quite hopeful.

He wanted to ask one question before he'd make the plans to come see me. It concerned his late father.

Uh oh. Not sure what this has to do with anything...defenses steady, yellow alert.

He wanted to know if the barrister covering his late father's estate could contact me.

Bells are going off. Red flags beginning to rise.

He needed someone to say he was married to him in order to receive title to the gold his father had lest in West Africa.

I was crushed. It had all been a lie. A fake profile.

With marriage equality, it seems the infamous Nigerian email scam has now emerged on the gay dating/chatting scene.

Defense shields back on full alert.

And yet, there is a lesson here. Somewhere.

I could simply retreat fully from chatting online. Again.

Or, I could go on. Ever more cautious this time, especially if it sounds too good to be true.

Which it probably will be.

Mmmaybe...