The Hanged Man of March

Deck: Radiant Rider Waite Smith

When I did my New Year reading for 2019, I felt the whole spread seemed to divide itself into quarters as the cards appeared to group themselves that way. Two of the first three cards all seemed to suggest a letting go or becoming unstuck with the first card setting the tone of the quarter. 

With March having ended, it's time to review not only March but the quarter as well.

The Hanged Man suggests a surrender, a letting go, a crossroads of some kind. Even though he is hanging, albeit upside-down with all the blood slowly entering his brain, his face shows peace; and in many decks, a halo glows around his head. He has surrendered his life willingly for the greater good, a cause he believes in. While the image can be perceived as a bit unnerving, it is eventually for a greater good. No pain, no gain.

I have been letting go of a lot this month; a lot of pain, so a lot of gain, though sometimes I have to remind myself of the potential gain as it’s too easy not to accept the positive and slide back into the abyss. Sometimes we are more comfortable in the pain as we don’t know how to live or exist without it. We’ve been comfortable far too long with it as we've simply learned to manage it. What lies ahead in the light? After all, light can be blinding to the eyes so accustomed to the darkness.

I am trying to let go of having to know the answers right now. Why is all this change happening to me? What does it all mean? Why me? Do I deserve it? What lies ahead? 

I feel those are the eternal questions of life. Change is the only constant in our lives and sometimes the change is so drastic it does become a bit frightening. Okay, very frightening. But, always for our greater good. In the end, sometime.

I’ve also been letting go of what no longer serves me. In any sense. 

I’ve merged my internet, television and landline (yes, I still have one) into one account for a cheaper amount and better service. (It’s still a bit new, so the jury is still deciding on how good the service [and savings] will be.) I've let go of other accounts that no longer hold my interest, or I seem to take some time to get to. I'm streamlining my budget.

Almost anything I haven’t used or even seen in over six months is currently sitting in a box while I investigate how well similar items are selling on eBay. As of now, nothing similar has sold. I might just find a charity shop and make a nice donation for the tax advantages next year. I'm downsizing my material goods. 

So, letting go doesn’t always refer to emotions though some of the items I’m letting go have had some emotional connection, but even that has worn off. So, it’s time.

Now, it’s on to April and the second quarter of the year which is going to be interesting, as two of the cards have to do with the material and physical side of life with the third dealing with matters of the heart; while, simultaneously, two of them could address the completion or near-completion of a cycle and the third could be an aspect of someone around me or of me personally.

I can't wait to see how it goes...

Ten of Pentacles, King of Pentacles and Nine of Cups
Deck: The New Palladini

The Queen of Happy Elephants

I felt guided to share this particularly interesting reading.

Every morning I pull a card from three different decks to give me something to think about during the day. I draw one card from

• the standard Rider-Waite Tarot deck,
• Steven Farmer’s Power Animals Oracle and
• the Universe Has Your Back deck by Gabrielle Bernstein.

The reading the other day was quite interesting for a couple of reasons.

As I do this nearly every morning and due to the odds of the different decks, I anticipate a different card each day. But, I was surprised to pull the Queen of Wands twice in a row. And she came up reversed both times! Now, before you start saying she just stayed on the top of the deck from the day before so it’s just a repeat, I will poo-poo that notion right here and now. After each reading, I shuffle the card back into the deck before returning it to the box. Sometime in the afternoon, I will do a practice reading which means I am shuffling and cutting the deck again. After that reading, I shuffle the deck once more before returning the deck to the box. Then, I shuffle the deck 3-4 times and cut it before the reading the next morning. So, the deck was thoroughly shuffled and cut before the next day’s reading. Obviously, this Queen had something to say if she pushed her way back to the top of the deck. But what exactly? And why was she reversed both times?

In an upright position, the Queen of Wands represents the energy of someone charismatic, passionate about life and cheerful; she knows what she wants and sets out to get it. She speaks her mind, and lives her truth. The reversal would indicate her energy isn’t in full force in my life right now, but I’m possibly coming into it, stepping out of my shell a bit. The fact she came up reversed twice in a row, in spite of all the shuffling and cutting, would echo the fact she’s pushing her way into my life, if I let her. I mean, it’s not a bad lesson to learn.

Now, let’s look at the other cards.

From the Power Animals I drew Elephant. His message was “Resolve: You will overcome any obstacles.” The back of the card says to move forward without letting anything get in the way of your heart’s desire. I mean what would get in the way of an elephant? Besides, fear. My own fear. Of my goals. My own fear of being judged or others’s disapproval. I must also learn not only to speak, but live my truth. And have fun along the way! Hmm, good points, all of them.

The third card read “Happiness is my birthright.” I think that is a given even if we don’t always believe it or believe we are not worthy of it. I don’t think that the Divine Source of the Universal Gods and Goddesses really wants us to be unhappy. And if we are indeed unhappy, then we are responsible for changing our own circumstances to become happy.

Let’s piece this together: the Queen of Wands twice reversed is strongly suggesting I might not be at my best right now, that I’m not as passionate about living life as I could be, and I should take a more active role in life; while Elephant is suggesting not to let anything get in my way of my dreams and goals, to let go of fears, to live and speak my truth which reinforces the Queen about being more active and ultimately that will all lead me to my birthright, Happiness.

I’m going to take Elephant’s message about living and speaking my truth to also include writing. So, this blog will be more about my truth, which it always has been. Now, maybe I’ll go deeper into it.

So, beware! 

The Queen of Happy Elephants has spoken!

So mote it be! 

The Hero or The Fool?

As an author, I try to be aware of literary themes in my Works in Progress. (One day, they’ll be finished!)

As a teacher, I also tried to teach them. One of the most common literary themes is the Hero’s Journey. 

You know the one; where after much persuasion, the usually reluctant, disbelieving Hero sets off on some apparently insurmountable quest/mission that only our Hero can solve. Along the way, our Hero ends up meeting predictable characters-the mentor who always dies leaving the Hero to go on alone; the sidekick who acts as the Hero's conscience; the antagonist who tries to stop the Hero. There might be some other colorful characters along the way. The Hero continues on to ultimately discover his or her strength was there all along, just buried deep inside, then returns home victorious, only to set off on the sequel a little while later.

Prime examples of such heroes are Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, Bilbo and Frodo Baggins from The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings, Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars franchise, and, my personal favorite, Harry Potter in his series.

It’s tried and true, and it can be seen in our life as well.

After all, I’ve titled my blog, “Jeff’s Journey.” It’s my journey through my life back into myself after a surprise divorce. While I don’t see my journey as insurmountable, I see that it parallels the Hero’s Journey so often seen in literature. I was reluctantly divorced, I've met a few mentors/guides along the way who, to the best of my knowledge, haven’t died. There have been a few sidekicks along the way acting as my conscience, giving me courage to face the future as bleak as I felt it was at that moment. I've fallen into the abyss of the trials and tribulations that rose up along the way forcing me to look inward and recognize my own strength that has been there all along. So, I guess that makes me the Hero of my own journey.

I’ve also recently posted about my interest in the Tarot, where I've found a very surprising parallel.

But, first some background.

The Tarot deck is comprised of two main parts; the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana. Due to their imagery, the cards in the Major Arcana represent very broad, spiritual, archetypal people and lessons we might encounter in life. The Minor Arcana may duplicate those lessons but in a more mundane, day-to-day approach. A couple of noted psychiatrists, Carl Jung among them, agreed that the images and the order of the Major cards could be interpreted to represent those archetypal moments in our life’s journey. (As a teacher, I think of the Major Arcana as my lesson’s standard of instruction-what am I supposed to learn-while the Minor Arcana cards are the goals and objectives clarifying the standard-how I am supposed to meet the standard.) 

I mean, what’s more archetypal than the Empress to represent a mother; the card depicts a woman reclining on a throne, surrounded by plants-some of which have been harvested, her gown covered in Pomegranates-the ultimate seed of fertility-making her the epitome of the ultimate mother, Mother Earth; or the Tower card-a structure being struck by lightning and people falling out of it-to represent those moments in life which shake us to our very foundation, thereby giving us the opportunity to build again, maybe firming up the foundation this time. Or, the Fool-a young person carrying his possessions in a sack tied to a stick, taking a step forward as if out to seek his fortune, accompanied by his faithful companion, a dog. The Fool is said to represent new beginnings, innocence, a journey-either physical or spiritual. 

I see comparisons between the Hero and the Fool.

I’ve gone through the Major Arcana and tried to attach the cards to people and events in my life post-divorce. While I have not been able to connect all the cards to something or someone, I feel mostly successful. (The Devil, in particular, is giving me the fits-obsession, materialism, addiction, none of those seem to resonate.) Let’s start with the obvious; my divorce. That is definitely a Tower moment-it came out of nowhere (I wasn’t expecting it, it shook me to my very core and I have rebuilt myself stronger than I was) thus setting me off on this journey. The therapists would be a combination of the Magician and the High Priestess-helping me to balance myself both spiritually and emotionally by seeking outside knowledge and guidance (Magician) and inner serenity (High Priestess). My mother is the Empress, for being there for me. The Hierophant is the legal system overseeing the divorce process. The Lovers could represent my redefining what I seek in a new relationship or those men I dated, albeit briefly, who represented that aspect of my new life.

I could go on, but twenty-two cards could get boring. But, I think you get the picture.

But, wait, indulge me one more-the Fool. 

Well, that’s me, obviously.

So, I am both the Fool and the Hero of the same journey.

My journey.

So, does this make me a heroic Fool or a foolish Hero?

Maybe it makes me me.

A little of both.

Harry Potter as the Magician
The Harry Potter Tarot

Harry Potter Tarot original artwork by Eleonore Pieper, used with permission
For more of her Harry Potter artwork and other works, please visit her page at
https://ellygator.deviantart.com/

Moving forward

Letting go and moving on is hard.

Especially when the love is still there.

And especially when the connection is was extremely deep.

And even more so when he still haunts you, because you focus on why you should be together instead of why you aren't.

And when guys you meet just don't come up to the standard he has now set which, admittedly, will be nearly impossible to surpass.

Nor do they touch my soul the way he did.

Pathway, Franklin Canyon

I guess I just need to try harder to focus on the last thing he said to me, "I'm just not ready."

Which leaves me in limbo, because he may never be ready for a relationship with me. Or if he ever decides he is ready, will he have the courage to find me?

And will I then have the courage to trust him?

I could just allow life and time to take their course and see what happens.

And as long as I'm true to myself, I see no harm in that.

In fact, I see it as healthy.

But, I also struggle with the other question: if no one meets the very high standard he has now set, will I be settling for someone just to be with someone? Yes, I know each relationship is different, because each person is different, and each set of people interacts differently based on numerous factors; age, past histories, upbringing, self-image, ethnicity, national origin- and the list goes on.

But, as a human, it's only natural to question and wonder.

And if I move on, and if I meet someone, and if I start something, and then he comes back, what then?

I'll just have to cross that bridge...if I get to it.

Bridge, Sepulveda Wildlife Refuge

The Gift

Gifts come in all types. Some are tangible, some are emotional, some intellectual. 

Some are large, some are small.
 

I believe the best gifts are Spiritual.

I also believe people enter our lives for a reason at the time they are supposed to.

I have rarely written about my first partner, Rick, who died in 1994. And now I feel empowered to do so. It's time. 

We met in 1986 and soon began dating. It escalated all too soon into a full-fledged relationship and after about a year of dating, we moved in together. 

I was happy, I had my first long term boyfriend! I was living with a man who loved me, and we'd be together forever! We experienced the typical ups and downs of a relationship; good and bad moments; discussions, fights and make ups! I was happy, or so I thought. 

Beneath it all, something was amiss. Yet, I couldn't put my finger on it. Through time and therapy, I eventually discovered what was amiss which I have explored in prior posts.

We continued on until a health scare forced him to confront something that had never crossed our minds. He might be HIV positive. 

This was in 1992, towards the beginning of the AIDS pandemic when many gay men didn't want to confront a possible death sentence as very little was known about the disease at that time. Plus, I believe Rick was in denial about it all.

As frightened as he was to be forced to get tested, he faced it bravely; no, we faced it bravely together. He went in for the test a few days before we left for a vacation to Walt Disney World, during which he called his doctor back in California and got the results. He tested positive.

Without fully realizing, or accepting it, I had already left the relationship emotionally; now I knew I could never leave it physically. I had to stay. I was; no, I am not the type of man to leave a dying partner. Even after he told me to go, to live my life, I still could not leave him. What would my friends think of me? What would I think of myself?

His health deteriorated rapidly after January 1994. He tried to manage what he could on his own, as he refused to apply for services from any of the AIDS organizations at the time. By the end of July, it was inevitable. It would not be long. He was dying. 

He asked me to promise him not to let him die in the hospital. Of course, I agreed.

I failed to keep that promise.

I carried that guilt for a number of years. Sure, I was eventually able to rationalize I'd done everything I could. I'd told the doctor of his request as soon as I knew he was close to death. When she finally came to release him, he would not have survived the trip home let alone to the elevator. It was her fault, she was late. I could forgive myself for letting him die like that. 

But, did he forgive me?

And that, I needed to know.

In time, I put it out of my mind. I went on with life, met a new man and eventually married and divorced him. 

As I dealt with the pain of the divorce, the pain around Rick's death resurfaced, the nagging wondering of whether he forgave me. 

But how could I find out?

I took the most logical step.

I consulted a medium.

I discovered the blog of a man I follow on a social media platform where he came out as a medium and was looking to practice reading people to further develop his gift and confidence. I thought if he is just learning about his gift he might not be very accurate, but what would I have to lose but the time invested in the session. I contacted him and explained my situation that I had a couple of questions for my prior partner. I nervously awaited the answer which came the next afternoon, "I'd LOVE to help you, but please tell me no more!" 

We met at the chosen restaurant on a Friday shortly after noon, and I immediately felt comfortable with him. Perhaps it was my eagerness to finally have the answers I had been searching for that had me at ease. Perhaps it was the fact he said he had so many questions for me that buoyed my confidence in his gift. Perhaps it was the gentle banter over lunch that also relaxed me. Perhaps it was even something greater than both of us.

And the fact he was so easy on the eyes certainly didn't hurt.

Maybe this was all meant to be.

For me.

At this time.

When we'd finished eating, he said, "Before we begin the reading, you told me you had a question for your ex; your answer is 'Yes'. Now, what was your question?" 

I explained the promise I'd made to Rick and the guilt I'd carried about letting him die in the hospital. Did Rick forgive me? Apparently, he did.

The Medium went on to say he'd had a few images flash through his mind that morning as he prepared to meet me and even a few more as he entered the parking lot of the restaurant. He began to write them down. The very first image the Medium shared with me convinced me he had the gift. Rick was with us. 

It was a daisy. A reference to my favorite Disney character. Throughout my relationship with Rick, I collected almost anything I could find with Daisy Duck on it. The fact that this was the first message from Rick told me he wanted to be there for me. 

The Medium went on to share more images, most of which I could connect back to Rick; gray- the color of his car; Michael- the name of a man I'd met just before I met Rick who later turned out to be Rick's ex and close friend and coincidentally, Rick died on Michael's birthday; 23- the age Rick was when we met; 14- the date of both Rick's birthday and our anniversary, May and August respectively. As I was meeting the Medium for the first time, how could he have known any of this? There is only one person left in my life who knew of my passion for Daisy Duck. 

Before we ended the session, there were a few messages from Rick; he's very happy I'm out of the relationship I was just in, he is very grateful I didn't leave him in spite of how unhappy I'd been, and I'd meet the love of my life very soon. And I deserve this man who will be coming to me. I left the reading very happy, elated over the fact Rick forgave me for not fulfilling my promise, and acknowledging me for staying by his side to the end.

The next morning, Saturday, as I sat at my dining table over my morning tea and yogurt, I began reflecting on what Rick had said. And then it happened. I broke down. I could not stop the tears from coming. And they came, bursting forth from so deep within I never knew they were there. I cried all morning. I tried to hold myself together while driving down the 101 Freeway to a counseling appointment, but totally lost it when I heard the song, "I Hope You Find It" by Cher, which I recently highlighted in a blog about letting go and moving on. The first time I cried to that song, I realized I was moving on from the two men who had most recently broken my heart and I sincerely hoped they find their happiness. This time, I took it as a message for me.

And later, I realized why I had been crying, as I had cried on and off all weekend. I was finally able to release all the long carried grief and guilt still buried some twenty years later. I was also finally able to accept that, in spite of how different we were, Rick loved me more than I knew and more than he knew how to show me while he was alive. And he still loves me even now. 

And he always will.

And for that, I will always be grateful to the Medium for the gift he gave me.

Thanks 2013, I Needed That!

As I reflect on 2013, and anticipate 2014, I am looking back in order to look ahead and become more aware of who I am by acknowledging who I was. I had initially planned on reflecting on all the events of 2013, but chose not to. But, instead I found a post I initially wrote this past summer, but for some reason never published. And yet, it seems very apropos for today. ~JB

Pride.

Among the definitions of pride at Dictionary.com are these:

1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
2. the state or feeling of being proud.
3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character;   self-respect; self-esteem.

Looking at some of these definitions, or portions thereof, a proud person could be considered almost haughty. I guess it's how you carry yourself. 

After all, pride comes before the fall.

For many of us, Pride does come before the fall, in the summer. 

In June.

And we sometimes define it as a giant party.

I have attended various LGBTQ Pride events, on and off since coming out. I marched in the parade a couple of times before meeting my first partner and then, we would attend it and watch it together. But after a while, it became the same parade year after year. I mean, how many times can you watch hot young men dancing in their underwear (or less) to heart-stopping bass-thumping music on the bed of a flatbed truck?  What made the parades worthwhile were those community organizations that marched: Aids Project Los Angeles, The Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center, Gay Teachers of Los Angeles, Evangelicals Together, and Black and White Men Together were some of the community organizations that marched in the parades. Some of those groups are no longer appearing in the parades or have disbanded altogether. 

As LGBTQ visibility grew many major companies began having employee groups march in the parades.  Let's not kid ourselves, it was to show their acceptance so we would give them our business. After all, some gay couples allegedly have more disposable income as we don't have children to raise.

Stereotypes change, and same-sex couples are indeed raising children. But, I digress.

Group Shot!

Enough of the history lesson and back to the meaning of pride.

I marched in the parade this year.

I have been following both the National Office and Los Angeles Chapter of the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network on Twitter, @glsen and @GLSENLosAngeles, respectively. When I saw a tweet asking for more marchers in the LA Pride Parade, I signed up.

7:00 Parade morning rolled around, ugh. But, I'm usually up anyway as my cat can't tell the difference between a work and non-work day.  I performed my morning rituals, and decided not to drive to  West Hollywood, as parking is a major headache on a regular day, and now with a gatrillion LGBTQ people storming the smallest city I know of with the seemingly most restrictive parking, finding a place to park would be a major migraine! So, I opted for public transport.

We've started moving! I'm carrying  their banner!

There were two reasons I decided to march this year. When my ex left, I could count my gay male friends without lifting a finger. Not even one. Our married life had left us somewhat reclusive due to budget cuts, the regular housework, the house and yard maintenance, the furry children and the sheer fatigue from teaching.  We had been members of a gay dance club, but when he began his coursework for his teaching credential, his time for dancing was limited, and even though I continued going, we eventually dropped out. And the people seemed to drop us. 

With no gay male friends, I lost touch with my gayself. What does it mean to gay? Other than the attraction to other men? Do I have to like Judy Garland songs? Or Lady Gaga? Katy Perry? Musical Theater? Must I go to brunch on Sundays? Or throw/attend lavish awards show parties?  I needed to find that community support, that community understanding, that community itself. I needed to expand my social circle. I needed to come back out.

Somewhere along the route!

I also needed that sense of pride from the community. Coming home to animals who love me is great, but they can't talk to me, reassuring me the bigots are wrong, they can't help me talk through rough times when I feel the pain of discrimination, of bigotry, of buried self-inflicted homophobia. I recall very clearly how proud I was, how loved I felt when I first stepped onto the parade route all those years ago. The energy this time was different. I still felt love, but maybe I was used to it after all these years. Maybe it was because I was older and no longer fresh out of the closet. I was about two years out last time, not thirty. Maybe the crowd was more used to the parades, since its inception in 1970.  


Maybe I just did it for my own sense of Pride.

JB- And, maybe I did it for my first steps in moving forward back into the community and into 2014! 

Cher, Miley and Me

I've been feeling different lately. Very positive, upbeat. I'm taking more risks. I went to a writers' group and actually shared a piece of a work in progress that's been tormenting me for years. I signed up for a dating workshop for gay men. I ended up cancelling because I came home exhausted from a long day of teaching with a stiff neck I woke up with that morning and was now beginning to give me a headache. I shared this with one of my counselors who also noted my overall energy level was very positive and upbeat, though our session was before I didn't make it to the dating workshop. We both wondered where this change came from.

Oh, and Cher's new CD was due out this upcoming week! That's always exciting, for me anyway.

It's very sad to see or hear of someone once close to you making choices in life that conflict with your original image of them. When that happens to someone in my life, I begin to wonder if I really knew that person. When relationships end, often there is a newfound freedom of singleness, or of "Now I can do whatever I want that I wasn't allowed to do before."

I have heard through mutual friends, a certain someone once close to me is leading a very different lifestyle than what I ever imagined he would.

Through the last few years, I have learned we are all responsible for our own choices, and this person is now responsible for himself. I need to let that just be.

If this is what he wants, I hope he finds it.

And when I said that, I knew. That's where the change in me had come from. I'd let go of some of the past. There will always be some difficult and awkward moments between us, but if I was now feeling empathy for him and actually wishing he finds whatever it is he's looking for, I've grown. I've moved forward.

I also realized someone else once very important to me had a birthday and I was filled with an overwhelming desire to wish him a happy birthday. This realization and desire came to me out of the blue, as I didn't feel this way last year. I debated contacting him, as I didn't want to stir up old memories or hurts, for me or for him. (This is my curse of being so empathic.) But, as I am learning to trust my instincts, I followed through. As of today, I have not heard back, and I don't know if I will. And I don't know what I will say if I do hear back. I'll trust in the moment. I don't know where he is in his life now, and whatever he's looking for I hope he finds it.

I think the fact I took that step and wished him a happy birthday also tells me I've moved on.

This sentiment was cemented as I played Cher's new CD, Closer to the Truth and was struck by the chorus in the song, I Hope You Find It,originally recorded by Miley Cyrus:

And I hope you find it 

What you're looking for....

And I hope you're happy,

Wherever you are...

And I mean it.