The Chariot

When I think of a chariot, I think of movement. Forward movement in particular, because it would be hard, if not impossible, to move a chariot in reverse. Horses don't like to back up, especially when attached to a vehicle. I also envision the chariot races from ancient civilizations which in turn suggests speed. Plus with the races, there is a winner and a loser.

As I look at the Chariot card from the standard Rider Waite tarot deck, I see two sphinxes, instead of horses, pulling this chariot. The fact that one is black and the other is white suggests the idea of opposites. In Greek mythology, the sphinx was often depicted as female, while the Egyptians depicted it as male. Again, opposites.

The young man in the image is dressed in armor, a warrior maybe? Yet, he wears a crown. A warrior-prince? The crescent moon epaulets suggest emotions as the moon is said to affect ours. He has also crossed a moat, and water is often seen as a symbol of emotion in dream interpretation, while astrologically, the water signs are said to feel more intensely than the other signs. So, the chariot is moving through some emotional issues.

Above him is a canopy decorated with stars symbolizing the heavens. Divine guidance or protection, perhaps?

One can only imagine the strength needed to control a chariot with two powerful creatures pulling it, be they horses or sphinxes. Without that control, these two creatures could end up going in opposite directions, creating chaos, disruption, and possible destruction in their wake.

Stagnancy isn't pretty...

I am living a chariot moment right now.

My life is moving forward.

Well, it always has been moving forward because time has a habit of just marching onward. We can either move with it and grow, or remain stagnant while it marches on.

And I have been growing.

My chariot has begun to pick up speed, so I need to gather some strength. Perhaps a little control, too.

Someone very near and dear to me has re-entered my life, catching me totally by surprise and quite off-guard. Yet, it has been quite a pleasant reconnection. For both of us.

We have a very deep connection that we recognize but don't fully understand, yet we seem to understand each other in ways no one else can comprehend. Get it?

We are like the sphinxes in the card, quite opposite each other. He's a Leo, a fire sign full of passion, motivation, drive, and physical energy and I am Aquarius, an air sign-full of logic, rationalization, reason, all mental energy. Interestingly, if the body of the sphinx is typically a lion, does that make me the head of the sphinx bringing us together in one powerful creature? Leo falls in mid-summer, Aquarius in mid-winter which places them directly opposite each other in the zodiac, which is located in the heavens. Remember the canopy?

We have an age difference which brings an added dimension to this adventure. The crown reminds me to control my own ego. So, just because I'm older doesn't mean I will always know best. And while I can own up to more life experience, he will still have his own experiences to learn from. And I must let him learn. And not rescue, but support him.

The charioteer is determined. He is focused and serene. He senses victory but must not let himself get carried away; metaphorically by his emotions, nor literally by a chariot out of control.

Balance is the key.

Perhaps this is our lesson to keep our chariot moving in a forward direction towards victory.

This time.

A Solitary Life?

Spiritual journeys are often very lonely. 

I like the word ‘solitary' better. 

‘Lonely’ carries some emotional weight, whereas I don’t feel that with 'solitary.’

In a recent chat with a friend regarding relationships, I asked him if he’d met or knew any other gay men who he felt were as spiritual as I. Sadly, he shook his head. I asked, “Then why should I pursue a potential relationship with a probable someone who possibly might not even exist?”

He shrugged.

Where I see things as orchestrated by the Universe, operating on the Universe's timetable and not mine, the majority of the people I know see things differently. As an example, if that elusive relationship really does exist, I believe it will happen at the right moment, rather than by my going on this elusive hunt from bars to clubs to apps to organizations to grocery stores to wherever hoping to meet that certain someone over a margarita, a screen profile or a vegetable bin. This makes it hard to share certain parts of my life because of these different perspectives which can often lead to misunderstandings and even hurt feelings.

Especially when that human/ego/mortal side of me slips up and tries to assert his needs and wants leading me into doubts and confusion.

And I share those moments with my friends. 

These dear friends reply as they see the situation through their ‘human’ eyes or from their ‘human’ perspective and not as a part of a spiritual journey and when that differing interpretation arises, it hurts, reminding me I am alone on this journey, at least among my circle of friends. And due to a texting misunderstanding earlier this week, I was painfully reminded of this, even as the misunderstanding has now been cleared up.

Yet, is this solitary life a result of my journey? Or could it be something bigger?

As I have dived deeper into my studies of the Tarot, I’ve found some interesting applications other than the standard readings. 

With astrology, there are many ways of looking at natal charts other than simple personality traits based on the Sun sign. One way of looking at the Tarot, according to Mary K. Greer, author of Who Are You in the Tarot?, is to determine your Soul and Personality cards using your birthdate.

My Soul card calculated to be the Hermit. Seems fitting. 

In a reading, the Hermit suggests spending time alone for deep introspection, searching for inner understanding, and needing or offering guidance. As a Soul card, the Hermit would suggest the same, yet this isolation also carries an inner strength that comes from facing the unknown alone. The Hermit teaches best by example and by living what he believes in, though he can have a tendency to hold others to the same standard. At the same time, the Hermit learns best by observing what others do rather than what they say and pays special attention to the actions of his role models.

On one hand, the Hermit appears to be logical and fact oriented, but on the other, is open to abilities that seem contradictory to logic and factual evidence. Yet, all of the above plays into the Hermit’s quest for inner understanding.

The Hermit’s solitude can have drawbacks, as it can lead to becoming overcautious, not taking risks and needing to know the outcome prior to taking that first step. (Note to self: this is something to work on.)

My Personality card turned out to be the Moon. 

The Moon can suggest a fear, or an illusion in the situation being read. The Moon also has a shadow side, that dark side we never see; therefore, in the reading it can also suggest there is something being hidden or kept from the questioner. As a Personality card, the Moon suggests strong intuition and working with the unconscious, being fascinated by the unseen and unknown-the "hidden." This unseen and unknown is the inner sense that the Hermit must learn to trust. And like the phases of the Moon, there are cycles of opening up and trusting, then fears of being deceived by his own experiences. 

The Moon has always been connected to magic and mystery, as many indigenous cultures and earth based religions follow the cycle of the moon for performing rituals and ceremonies. Its shadow side suggests a deep, hidden side of a person, a side rarely shown to others. The Moon also relates to the use of intuitional experiences vs. rational ones, i.e., “gut” instinct over “head” logic.

Seems accurate so far. Almost too accurate, and therefore somewhat unsettling, though intriguing at the same time. 

Is this part of my journey, and therefore my life, a mere coincidence, or has it been in the cards since my birth?

Inquiring minds want to know...

                                                   or, maybe I should just trust my instincts...

                                                                                                                       and journey onward...

letting the cards fall where they may...

Two of Pentacles

I find it interesting that the more I study the Tarot, the more I find it relates to life. 

I think I’m having a Two of Pentacles kind of moment. Or string of them. Or maybe it’s a phase and I’ll grow out of it.

Or, at the very least, I’ll come to terms with it and just move on.

The Two of Pentacles shows a man juggling two pentacles in the pattern of a figure eight or the infinity sign. Traditionally, Pentacles has been the suit around abundance, prosperity, and material goods. But, the action shown in the Two of Pentacles has also come to suggest something is out of balance or maybe there are decisions to be made. The turbulent water in the background could also suggest unstable emotions. Perhaps I have some decisions to weigh…questions to consider...pros and cons to ponder...emotions to examine.

I feel I’ve been juggling a lot lately. Maybe even more than just two pentacles. 

I won’t deny the human desire for companionship/conversation is growing stronger. Perhaps it’s due to the Great Roommate Experiment, even if I’ve barely seen her in the last few weeks. But, we’ve had some awkward discussions that have led me to rethink whether or not I might want to consider another roommate. Maybe it’s just her personality and a different roommate would work out better. Or, perhaps I’ve been playing the Hermit far too long and am set in my solitary ways. So, roommate or solitude?

Yes, I will admit this has also triggered the idea of renting my extra bedroom out for additional income, even on a temporary basis via AirBnB as has been so often suggested by the roommate. (Evidently, I can dictate the duration and frequency of each rental and I can also remain in my home. Plus, I'd be paid upfront.) After all, I’m now on a fixed income and the extra money would come in handy. So, that is another set of pentacles I’m juggling. Do I rent it out or not, if even on a short-term infrequent basis?

Whether this desire for conversation also translates to mean I might possibly be somewhat open to something maybe more than just a roommate, I don’t know. So, there’s one more set of pentacles, relationship or bachelorhood? And this might be the heaviest set of pentacles I’m juggling, possibly due to the difficult path of finding someone.

I look at the values I’ve discovered or that I've uncovered in myself (weren’t they there all along?) and don’t see them in the gay community. Walking into many gay bars, clubs and other establishments in gay areas and there are baskets full of condoms, free for the taking, should the need arise. The apps are like dial-up-sex; find some hookup for the night without even leaving home and with minimalist conversation.

I like things to progress on a slower, more natural, organic pace. I don’t want to spend the first date deciding who’s the top and who’s the bottom, if there is no deeper connection to be found. Yet, from the conversations I’ve had with friends, that appears to be the norm. It’s all decided before dessert, if it even gets that far. Some guys even put it on their public dating profile for the whole world to see. That’s way too much for me to take in right from the beginning, if there’s nothing deeper. We all know that relationships based solely on sex don’t last.

A Facebook friend posted a meme about gay dating after 30. If I remember correctly, it went something like this, “Are we doing this? ‘Cause I got shit to do!” It’s like a rush to get answers "NOW, DAMN IT!” The games of "who-texted-who last”, “When is it too soon to text after the first date?” and “I can’t be the first to text, I don’t want to appear too eager!” are just beyond my comprehension.

Then, there’s ghosting, zombiing, benching, catfishing, kittenfishing, breadcrumbing and who knows what other mindfuck dating games are played out there. 

Oh, and the infamous gaslighting. Wasn’t there a movie about gaslighting? 

The times I was on the dating sites and apps a few years ago, the comments about men over 40 were disenfranchising, as well as disheartening, with many of these even coming from men over 40. To be honest, I haven’t been on a site or an app in a few years. But, I still don’t think much has changed in that time.

(And before anyone calls me on generalizing, I realize that I am. Yes, I am owning it. I am generalizing. There, I said it. Now, you don't have to.)

The more I get to know myself, the less I see myself out there; both literally (out there mingling meeting guys) or figuratively (out there as a reflection of who I am).

Recently, I shared this concern in a group setting; that once I came out of the closet, I didn’t see myself in the straight community, which makes sense. Now that I’m where I am in my journey, I don’t see myself reflected in the gay community. Someone commented in a kind way, “That’s because you are now coming out of the box. You have come out of the norm.” Hmmmm. Interesting thought, "I’m not normal."

This brings up an interesting paradox: I still mingle in the straight community, but not in the lgbtq community. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel the need to explain/justify myself in the straight community where in the lgbtq community, I might have to because I don’t adhere to their cultural norms. I’m an outlier. To be perfectly honest, I shouldn’t have to explain/justify myself, and I need to be okay with that. I guess that’s where my work is.

Since then, I’ve investigated a few lgbtq social groups-some for men only, others were mixed. I’ve only gone on to find that each group is a microcosm of the bar scene, or the community at large. Some groups immediately want to know your relationship status prior to joining. Other groups arrange events around such statuses. I’ve written about this ad nauseam, so no need to rehash it all again.

As I’ve been on this path focusing more on settling my inner issues, healing my wounds, and discovering my spiritual side, I’ve begun to realize how important that side of me has become. It also brings to mind one particular Bible verse that was drummed into my head when I was more active in the church: 

    2 Corinthians 6:14 King James Version 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Yes, I would like to find someone of a similar path. While I believe it is possible to find a diamond in the rough in WeHo, upon closer investigation it’s more likely to be cubic zirconia. I may sound like a judgmental bitter old man, but I’m also speaking with some degree of somewhat recent experience. A few of the men I’ve met who claimed to be spiritual were more interested in the pleasures of the flesh than the pleasures of the mind-body-spirit connection. I guess we had a different view of spirituality.

So, how many pentacles is that? 

• Roommate or Not?
• Rent or Not?
• Relationship or Not?

Six? (The Six of Pentacles is about resources, knowledge and power, and interestingly there is a scale in the image, suggesting balance. Hmmmmm…)

I think it’s best to take all those pentacles, set them on the ground and let them be. I can't keep juggling forever.

Maybe the pentacles will just roll away and I’ll simply journey on and let come what may.

And then make a decision.

Moving forward

Letting go and moving on is hard.

Especially when the love is still there.

And especially when the connection is was extremely deep.

And even more so when he still haunts you, because you focus on why you should be together instead of why you aren't.

And when guys you meet just don't come up to the standard he has now set which, admittedly, will be nearly impossible to surpass.

Nor do they touch my soul the way he did.

Pathway, Franklin Canyon

I guess I just need to try harder to focus on the last thing he said to me, "I'm just not ready."

Which leaves me in limbo, because he may never be ready for a relationship with me. Or if he ever decides he is ready, will he have the courage to find me?

And will I then have the courage to trust him?

I could just allow life and time to take their course and see what happens.

And as long as I'm true to myself, I see no harm in that.

In fact, I see it as healthy.

But, I also struggle with the other question: if no one meets the very high standard he has now set, will I be settling for someone just to be with someone? Yes, I know each relationship is different, because each person is different, and each set of people interacts differently based on numerous factors; age, past histories, upbringing, self-image, ethnicity, national origin- and the list goes on.

But, as a human, it's only natural to question and wonder.

And if I move on, and if I meet someone, and if I start something, and then he comes back, what then?

I'll just have to cross that bridge...if I get to it.

Bridge, Sepulveda Wildlife Refuge

Online Adventures

Online chatting is becoming interesting.

I've noticed a pattern among those responding to my profile. They seem to fall into a few groups:

1. Men who are horny and say so in the first few messages;
2. Men, mostly from Asian countries, who are seeking a boyfriend/husband and say so in the first few messages;
3. Men whose picture doesn't match their description in their profile who are seeking a long term relationship and say so either in their profile or their first few messages;
4. Men who just want to chat and maybe see where things go.

The first group is self-explanatory.

• Him: "Hi, horny?"
• Me: "Nope"

And that's it. Though sometimes they come back and try again. And strike out again. And, once in a while, I see them on my "Recent Visitors" page...like the men who keep circling in the bar, hoping for a different answer the third or fourth time they ask.

The second group seems to be comprised mostly of Asian men, primarily from the Philippines, India or SE Asia, who are seeking love/or a long term relationship and are quite direct in saying so:

• Him: "Are you looking for love or an LTR (Long Term Relationship)?"
• Me: "No"
• Him: "Would you take me for a husband?"
• Me: "If I'm not looking for an LTR, why would I want a husband?"
• Him: "Okay, bye"

And some are quite determined.

• Him: "But, I know I'm the right man for you!"
• Me: "And how exactly do you know you're the right man for me?"
• Him: "Because I can make you happy!"
• Me, thinking: (and you know that because we've been chatting for all of three minutes, yeah, right.)

Two weeks later they message me, "I miss you," like the one night stand who won't go away.

Um, yeah, okay.

The third group is interesting. I'm really beginning to spot them right away. For example:

• The physical description does not match with the picture; Eye color: Brown (yet, in the picture they're blue or some color other than brown.) Or, they say no facial hair while they sport a full beard in the picture; or they don't have tattoos while the arms in the picture are covered with them. (Not the sharpest pencils in the box.)
• The ethnic description does not match with the picture; Yes, I know I am generalizing or stereotyping, but some times things just don't add up. The ethnicity says "Middle Eastern" and the picture is of a blond haired blue eyed man? Perhaps, but my guard will be up. 
• The description of what they're looking for is too damn perfect. E.g., "I am an honest, caring and reliable man. I am also a good listener and I seek a loving man that shares these same qualities. I believe a relationship is built on the loving foundation of trust, appreciation and mutual respect." Or this, my personal favorite: "I want a man who can handle me like the tender fragile egg that I am. I love from the depths of my heart and soul." And you are 25? Yeah, right.
• The photo is of a man in a military uniform. And for some reason, they are all mechanical engineers stationed in Afghanistan, ending their tour of duty in the next six months and are absolutely sure they are the right man for me, and why wouldn't I want a military man. And they tell me all this in about five to six messages.
• Their English is not quite correct enough.
• They usually only post one picture.
• And after a few chats, it hits; they all need money.

These are the hustlers in the bar scene.

Buh-bye.

It's the fourth group that has been the most interesting. And sadly, the smallest. But, definitely the healthiest men in the bar.

Me, on an Alaskan adventure

I have met some genuinely nice men who simply want to chat. There has been no mention of sex. I have had some deep spiritual discussions with a Native American man, several compliments on my Spanish from a Peruvian, a Colombian, a Mexican and a very cute Chilean. A couple of men were interested in my writing or photography and inquired about my work, and a few retired teachers have asked how the profession has changed. One immense drawback, none of them are local. Well, one is; and he may turn into a writing buddy. 

Several friendly chats have started off nicely, yet have gone nowhere. They would start off in general conversation, but then we seem to miss each other. I guess the idea of chatting is to do it live, rather than leaving a message. Maybe live chatting is more important with gay men in case the messaging takes a, um, more, um, discreet turn. I don't know.

A couple of these men have led to the foundation of a nice friendship, however geographically challenging it might be. One even virtually held my hand while I was in Urgent Care for a recent appendicitis scare. (Turned out to be a torn, overworked muscle, but in the general area of my appendix. Better safe than sorry...and I'm grateful he was "there" when in reality he was about 250 miles away.)

Yet, whatever direction any of these conversations take, it will all be one new adventure.

Catfishing Questions

Catfishing, according to UrbanDictionary.com, is "The phenomenon of internet predators that fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into emotional/romantic relationships (over a long period of time)." Possible motivations for catfishing are: revenge, loneliness, curiosity, boredom.

I've recently discussed the idea that people only say what we want others to hear. Following that idea, I'm also suggesting we hear only what we want to hear, but maybe up to a point. And both ideas together are ripe for catfishing or falling prey to one.

I've also discussed my recent online chatting adventures and that one man in particular seemed to have expressed more of an interest in me. And I in him. And now, based on the ideas above, some questions have come up to start me questioning his behavior.

But, first, what are the signs of a catfisher? According to SocialCatfish.com, there are twelve signs:

1. They appear too good to be true.
2. They get too serious too soon, or they appear to care too much too fast.
3. They have very broad interests that could apply to anyone.
4. They don't know what Skype or FaceTime is, how to use either, or seem to avoid it.
5. They travel excessively for business, especially to the Middle East or Africa, usually under the guise of being a contractor or an engineer.
6. They ask for money too soon.
7. They initiate contact via email or chat, as opposed to a social medium, to start a relationship or romance.
8. They have bad grammar, as if English is their second language.
9. They have pictures of friends on their profile that are not in their list of friends, or those who comment are not their friends or seem to not know them.
10. They look like they could be a model or someone famous.
11. They seem unattainable, far-fetched, or unwilling to meet in person.
12. Something just doesn't add up.

Any one sign by itself does not necessarily constitute a catfisher, but the more there are, caution is advisable.

As a disclaimer, this guy and I have been chatting on and off for just about a month. So, some of what I may suspect is still very superficial at this time. But, I'm going through the points above. I'll skip number one as it seems more summative.

Point 2: He didn't seem to get too serious too soon, but did express his concern for me over a couple of rough days I had. We also spent several hours chatting the first couple of days, focusing on how much we enjoyed chatting. And after a few more chats, seemed to suggest we'd be a good match.

Point 3: It seems a bit early to know his interests. But what I do know seem broad; reading, gardening, painting art.

Point 4: Here he is guilty on not using Skype, but is curious about FaceTime. 

Point 5: I would hardly call one trip (that I know of) excessive. And it was to Toronto, Canada. (As far as I know). And he's not a contractor nor an engineer.

Point 6: He has not asked for a dime, so far.

Point 7: Well, we connected via a social medium many gay men use for romance, relationships or just hooking up, whether in person or sexting. 

Point 8: Nope, so far perfect grammar, except for typos which he corrects.

Point 9: Not applicable, as this site is not Facebook-like in that you can't post pictures of you with friends. And only on the website, not the app, can I stalk see who his friends are.

Point 10: Yes, he is very handsome, and sexy. Not sure I'd see him modeling.

Point 11: This is possible, as we chat daily for a few days, then a few without. Again, it's still a fairly short time that we have been conversing, and he owes me nothing at this time, nor do I owe him any explanation. But, still something to keep my eye on.

Point 12: As he's told me he was badly hurt by a romance before, he might be running scared, which could explain the on-again/off-again chatting. He's opening up slowly, as he told me he was, and then taking a breather. Or, it's his way of keeping me guessing. So, I can see both sides of the coin-not always an advantage. 

So, the points somewhat in his favor seem to be Nos: 5, 6, 8.

Points decidedly against: 4, 11.

The rest are a draw: 3, 7, 9, 10, 12. 

So, it's all inconclusive, and partly because it's still too early.

Which means the only path to find the truth is to continue to move forward. I'll stay the course and focus on his actual behavior-and push for a bit of video chatting. And soon.

I'll be comforted by the Buddhist saying, "Only three things can never remain hidden for long; the sun, the moon and the truth." 

And just maybe, he might be a needle in a haystack.

My Latest Foray...

My latest little chatting adventure has left me a little, no, a lot disappointed.

After the African Gold Mine marriage scam, (see my prior post, Snake Oil? ) I decided to just see what happened, and kept chatting, though more guarded.

One Saturday morning, I awoke about my regular time, ~5:30 AM and for kicks decided to see who had visited my profile overnight. A few guys, but no one who really grabbed my interest. I returned a few innocuous messages, "Hi, handsome!", deleted a few others, "you horny?", when a new one came through. It merely said "Handsome" but there was no profile picture to accompany it. Oh, lord, I thought. I checked the profile page: he lived in Chicago, 5'9", 180 lbs. with brown hair and eyes, and a goatee. Sounded dreamy, but with no profile pic, I was skeptical, and the distance was undesirable. Then I got the notification he was sending me a pic. I prayed it wasn't a dick pic. I waited for the picture to load, anticipation building. Which head would I see, big or little? Finally it materialized in front of me. 

OMG. If I thought Scam Guy was hot, or at least the guy used in the fake profile pic was hot, this guy was even hotter. OMG. Where Scam Guy was very attractive in a clean, masculine preppy way, this new guy was hot in a rugged, masculine way. He was not naked in this typical bathroom mirror selfie, but in a tight yellow t-shirt, hugging a nicely toned chest and biceps, and blue jeans. The baseball cap on his head gave him maybe a bit of a country redneck look to him. But, still, OMG!

Not him, but close

A second pic notification soon followed and again I found myself hoping it was not the seemingly required pic of the little head. It was full frontal, but of his face. His neatly trimmed beard-not a goatee, soulful eyes, and a different baseball cap only stirred my attraction and a few other feelings as well. I mean, damn! He was hot!

And I told him so. 

We ended up chatting a total of over 6 hours that first day.

Three hours into this first chat that Saturday morning, he told me he had never chatted this long with any guy on the site before and he was enjoying himself. He did get a little flirty, commenting we were both sort of in bed together, how sexy that was and that he was in his briefs. But he needed to sign off the site and get his day going.

Me: Okay, I enjoyed our chat, let's have coffee in bed together sometime soon. 

Him: I'd love to.

Me: I'd love to keep chatting to get to know more about you.

Two hours later, he replied: I'd like that too. And besides, thinking of you makes me all warm and fuzzy.

I actually think I blushed.

And we chatted again for a couple more hours, until he said he had to go and take a nap. One hour later he was messaging me again. It seems his dog woke him up! (Good dog!) And I still made him feel all warm and fuzzy. We chatted two more hours until I had to get ready for my evening date with Adam Lambert.

And we ended up chatting for almost nine hours the next day. We set up his iPad so we could chat there instead of on his work phone (he's not out at work) and not through the original site gets bogged down with all the guys looking for hookups, virtual or otherwise. And maybe eventually, FaceTime. I asked him what he did for fun and he replied "reading, building stuff, and painting."

Me: Do you paint buildings or pictures?

Him: Art.

Me. Damn, you just got sexier.

Him: Can you receive a text? (this was pre-iPad)

Me: Yes

A few seconds later I received a text bubble saying "My Rooster." I sincerely hoped he wasn't being coy and meaning something else. Soon the picture came through and it turned out to be a painting of a rooster. A real painting of a real rooster, not his own personal "rooster." A barnyard rooster.

He told me how much he enjoyed our chats, both when we got a little flirty and when we didn't:

Him: Damn, you are so hot!

Me: Thank you, so are you.

Him: I bet you're fun to cuddle with.

Me: Too bad we can't find out in real life.

Him: I know. Big spoon or little spoon?

Me: Either, depends on my mood.

Him: love that

Me: I'd also love to sit and just talk over coffee.

Him: Oh, I'd love that too. I just love chatting with you.

Me: I'm enjoying getting to know you.

Him: I'm yours in so many ways. (A phrase he'd repeat at least twice more) Are you seeing anyone?

Me: No one. Are you?

Him: No. No steady. Could I see a picture of your house? 

I thought it was an odd, yet very different than what many men ask to see. And I obliged, as did he. 

He later shared he was packing for a business trip and leaving the following day, Monday, followed by a pleasure trip. He made it clear he would be alone while on business but with a friend on the pleasure portion that weekend.

Me: Safe travels.

Him: Thanks. We'll chat next week after work.

Me: Sounds good. (I interpreted 'next week' to mean after this week when he was back in Chicago.

I was wrong. He messaged me Monday evening when he was in his hotel room.

Him: Hi, sexy.

Me: Hi, stud.

Him: Sweet talker. I wish you were here with me.

Me: I do, too.

And then Tuesday morning: Hi, sexy.

Me: Good morning, handsome.

Him: How long before you leave for work?

Me: A couple of hours, but I still have to jump in the shower and get dressed.

Him: Hot visual

Me: Oh?

Him: You all wet and soapy...(I have to admit, I'm not used to hearing this kind of talk from a man I think is extremely handsome and very sexy. But, I was indeed enjoying it...)

Me: And I'm picturing you that way too...

Him: Mmmmm

And he messaged me later in the afternoon, but sadly I had an engagement so we chatted again Wednesday morning. And later that evening...

I knew he was going on a pleasure trip with a friend following this business trip, so I didn't expect to hear from him. And only five days into whatever this was going to be, he didn't owe me any explanation.

I gave him what seemed like a reasonable time, two days, to get back home and into his routine when I messaged him:

Me: How was your trip?

Him: Hi, sexy. Great. Back home. How was your week?

Me: A bit exhausting, all my students wore me out.

Him: Oh, you could use a back rub!

Me: Mmm, yes. Or just a cuddle...

Him: Yes

Me: Feels good to be in your arms...

Him: The best

Me: Mmmmm

And there it ended...he never replied. 

And I'll never know why, or what happened...

Though I have my suspicions...

Oh, well, moving along...

But, damn, he was hot!!

Snake Oil?

Why is it we are such skeptics? Is it that we, as a people, have become so used to being taken, swindled, deceived, tricked, and lied to, that we believe when something too good to be true comes along, we believe that it is? Too good to possibly be true?

I recently did something I SWORE I'd NEVER do again.

I put up a profile on an on-line gay chat site. Not one specifically meant to be a hookup site, but more of a chat site. With the abrupt end of my prior relationship, I felt the deep loss of chatting with the other man who I'd been conversing with for four years, and wanted the social interaction, even if it was only virtual. And just maybe, I'd meet a nice local guy to hang out with. I knew the possibility, okay-probability, of being hit on was a foregone conclusion. After all, I was recently hit on on Goodreads, a Facebook-like site for book lovers and authors. I'd simply use the 'block' function as necessary on the chat site.

To check out Goodreads, click here.

In a matter of a couple hours, I had some hits. Several in fact. Yet, not one over 30. Not one from Southern California; but South America, Asia, the Eastern US. Some were cute, some were less so. Some were nice and wanted to chat, some wanted to jump right to it; "Hi, you horny?"

And my personal favorite: "Hey, you a dom? I'd beg to service you behind my boyfriend's back."

A few men my age also visited my profile, some said hi, some floated by-I felt like I was in a bar, but without leaving home.

The next day, one particular message caught my eye. A strikingly handsome man (I mean actor/model good looking) messaged me asking me how I was doing and how was the weather by me. I replied and we continued chatting, and he shortly suggested we move to Skype. We have been chatting nightly since then.

During our very first chatting session, he put all his cards on the table stating what he was looking for and what he brought to a relationship. His words sounded so familiar, it was as if I could have written them myself; he wanted honesty, truthfulness, open communication, monogamy, acceptance of both what he is and what he is not, a partner willing to work on the relationship when it gets a little stale, someone who would nurture him to be himself and a partner willing to be nurtured to be his best both within and without the relationship, a partner willing to support him to achieve his goals and dreams as he supported his partner to to do the same.

All this, and a willingness to take it slow and not rush anything.

I mean, what more could I want? I began lowering my defenses.

Yes, I did find his abruptness a bit intimidating, while refreshing at the same time. I looked at it a couple of ways: He wasn't into game playing-if I wasn't looking for a relationship, let's cut the losses now and not waste time, energy or our emotions, and he had been hurt and wanted to avoid it again.

Did I say he was handsome? And from what I could see in the pictures, (all very G rated) he had a nice, hunky muscular body.

Because of my skepticism and recent heartbreak, I started looking for cracks, finding flaws and faults. One little one stood out; his profile picture showed a neatly trimmed beard, while the profile description said "No Facial Hair." Okay, maybe he shaved and hasn't changed the picture or vice versa-he grew his beard and hasn't changed the description. No big deal. I'm hoping for the latter.

In chat session two, he began expressing some vulnerability, exhibiting some pain. Vulnerability can be very sexy. He described his issues around body shaming, how people had made fun of and make jokes about his body. I had a difficult time comprehending how people would make fun of his body if he was a muscular as the pic showed. (I should say only his head and shoulders were visible.) At times, I did feel he was expressing too much too soon, and felt a bit scared, but found his openness refreshing. And I was responding with similar answers. He was asking mostly deep questions-what past mistake(s) would I change and why, and a few superficial ones-my favorite color, my favorite flower; we talked life, we talked our approaches to relationships. We talked how we'd been hurt, and how we'd let ourselves be hurt. And, maybe he just wanted to avoid any game playing up front. Defenses falling a bit more. Heart opening up, but just a tad.

I'd noticed some other small things. When we were chatting, there were some grammatical errors, mostly minor, and as a teacher/writer they glare out at me. People don't text/chat as we speak, so I was willing to overlook them. After all, texting on a phone with it's small keyboard can be a challenge at times.

My self-esteem started to rise along with my general mood. Here was an extremely attractive, kind, decent, hardworking man (he owned his own business) who shared very similar, if not nearly identical philosophies of life, love, and relationships with me, and we were chatting, now nightly. He was looking to love someone and be loved, ready for a relationship, to give his all. It was nervously exciting, yet eerie to be in this position barely a few days after posting my profile! My heart is now more than just a tad open.

It all felt too good to be true. Something seemingly so perfect, right after such a devastating heartbreak. Was the Universe bringing me some happiness at last? Someone who was ready to love me as I deserve to be loved? My defenses were falling with each and every chat, while my attachment was growing.

Yet, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. There has to be something amiss, here. But maybe not? There must be someone else out there like me. Surely?

We chatted a few more days, developing a bond, a desire to meet, to visit each other. I began wondering which of us would end up having to relocate; he had a successful business in the Midwest, and I have a house in Southern California. Yes, I knew it was early to be thinking this, but I'd prefer to cut my losses early rather than late. Especially, if I felt a very deep possibility of something good here. A very attractive sexy man, espousing the same values I have, wanting to move slowly as he gets over his pain and acknowledging mine really paints a good picture of the possibility of something good. I couldn't help but start falling for these beautiful words, from such a gorgeous man.

In one chat session on a Wednesday night, about two weeks later, he dropped the bomb; he could wait no longer to meet me, he was flying out. That weekend. Panic set in. Fear followed right behind, with a dab of excitement entering as well. My mind was in a twirl. I'd heard of people connecting very quickly and wanting to pursue it and could I be honest with myself regarding him-or was I merely a sucker for a handsome face attached to a gorgeous body who saw life, love and relationships as I did, especially when the last man I loved was too insecure to FaceTime with me?

What more could I ask for? Defenses down even more, while remaining guarded, yet becoming quite hopeful.

He wanted to ask one question before he'd make the plans to come see me. It concerned his late father.

Uh oh. Not sure what this has to do with anything...defenses steady, yellow alert.

He wanted to know if the barrister covering his late father's estate could contact me.

Bells are going off. Red flags beginning to rise.

He needed someone to say he was married to him in order to receive title to the gold his father had lest in West Africa.

I was crushed. It had all been a lie. A fake profile.

With marriage equality, it seems the infamous Nigerian email scam has now emerged on the gay dating/chatting scene.

Defense shields back on full alert.

And yet, there is a lesson here. Somewhere.

I could simply retreat fully from chatting online. Again.

Or, I could go on. Ever more cautious this time, especially if it sounds too good to be true.

Which it probably will be.

Mmmaybe...

Did I Just Have a Date?

I may have actually had a possible blind date. But, I'm not sure.

 

I'm serious.

I don't know if it was or not.

I belong to a social organization called MeetUp.

Through MeetUp, people can organize smaller groups based on interests as varied or specific as they want. If someone wants to organize a group for Jane Austen lovers or Gay Left-Handed Aquarian Pomeranian owners, they can. Then the leader of the group schedules events around the focus of the group. And those who can attend, meet up and socialize. 

Anyway, I belong to a couple of MeetUp groups, some with an LGBT focus, some not. 

I received an email from a guy with a question about an event I had suggested for the Gay Photographers' group I belong to. 

He also sent a second email about an event a separate LGBT-oriented social club that he belonged to was hosting and he thought it would be another great opportunity to take some great photos; whale watching.

I replied and thanked him for sharing it with me, and said I'd check it out.

And then I did what any normal hot-blooded gay male would do; I checked out his profiles on MeetUp and the other club.  Between his two profiles, I gathered that he was young, I would say, about 25. He was Asian, and a classical musician.  He was looking for friends and networking.  Not a lot to go on.

He replied and asked me to seriously consider going as he was and it would be nice to know someone on the boat.

But, wait. We hadn't met, yet. Red flags, bells, sirens and whistles all started going off in my head......

Yet, what did I have to lose? At the very least, I'd be out of the house, probably see some whales, and have a nice afternoon. So, I applied to join this new club, was approved and then bought my ticket. I emailed him, said I was going and got a one word reply, "Yay!" All this took place the week before the trip. As the day approached, the organizer announced there might be 40 people attending, then it grew to 50. 

I hadn't been around so many gay men at once in a long time, especially without an escape hatch. I'd be trapped in my anxiety on a boat with a young Asian man seemingly interested in me solely based on my profile photo. 

Where's my Xanax?

I went ahead and went, even though I was in the second day of a headache, a possible low grade migraine, brought on by anxiety and other stressors.

So, I'm sitting on the boat, trying to find this guy which, statistically, shouldn't be hard to do, but I wanted to be sure as there were a few Asian men on the boat. None of them seemed to match the photo I was looking at on my phone, though I suspected I had spotted him behind the over-sized sunglasses. I checked my email and there was one from him with his phone number.

I dialed. The man I was looking at answered. 

"Hi, I'm here on the boat and I think I've spotted you," I said.

We hung up, I walked over and we exchanged pleasantries. 

"How could you not know it was me? I'm the only Asian on the boat." 

"No, there are a couple of others, and I wanted to be sure I introduced myself to the right guy." 

"Okay," he said, laughing a bit too dramatically. 

It went screechingly downhill from there. He was older than I was expecting. I'd now put him in is mid- to late 30s as he had a few gray hairs and heavy crows' feet. He had a heavy accent so what I could hear between the wind and the conversations going on around us was difficult to understand.  The conversation became somewhat forced as he sometimes didn't always return the question; he'd answer mine but not ask any of his own. I felt I was serving aces in a tennis match, nothing was being returned.  And we still had two hours left on this two-and-a-half-hour excursion.  How many trips to the head could I make?

 

Two young women, not attending with our group, were seated near him, okay, near us, and we seemed to become a foursome. One of them wanted a group picture and "Quick, Jeff! Get in here!" and suddenly I was pulled into this group shot with Asian Guy and these two young women. 

After a few more moments of alternating stony silence and stilted conversation, I just went to the lower deck to the bow. I promptly got splashed as we were heading into the wind and crested a wave. As there was more sun on the lower deck, I chose to remain below to dry off. (And check out the other men while there.)

 

I remained below until the ship docked some fifteen minutes later, and it wasn't until I was off the deck and in my car I saw a text message of the picture of the four of us, and a message wondering where I'd gone, as "we can't find you." We? He'd enlisted the two women in a search party? 

 

And one last message, "Did I say something to offended (sic) you?" 

So, was that a date? No one ever said the 'd' word? Maybe it was. After all, he asked me to consider an event, so we could meet, kind of like an online meeting. But, neither organization was designed for online dating. So, does it count as a date?

Well, anyway, it was an adventure and we saw five baby gray whales, and one even breached! 

 

Damn, my camera wasn't ready!

To explore MeetUp in your area, click here.

Empathically Introverted

I am soooooo going to get mail on this one!

I grew up watching the original show, Star Trek, and was interested in giving Star Trek: The Next Generation a try when it first came on. After one particular episode early on in the series, I was done. Finished, no more Star Trek for me. (Until Deep Space Nine and Voyager came on and I gave them a try for a while) I loved how, in the original, Captain Kirk had to trust his instincts to make decisions. In this particular Next Generation episode, Captain Picard, a fine Captain in his own right, cheated in making his decisions. Well, in my opinion, he cheated. He had help Kirk did not have. Picard's help was in the form of an empath, Counselor Deanna Troi, who could 'read' or 'sense' other people's emotions. In other words, she told Capt. Picard whom to trust and whom not to. Give me a break.

I have been thinking about Deanna a lot lately. But, why?

Because I have begun to suspect lately I'm more of an empath. Empathy is defined as 1) the identification and understanding of another's situation and feelings; 2) the action of being sensitive to another person's experience and feelings and 3) understanding and entering into another person's feelings. Whenever my dog's kneecaps slipped out of their socket and he limped around the room yelping in pain, I would go into shock and nearly faint until it worked itself back in again. I nearly passed out when the vet removed the sutures from my cat's operation knowing how she felt to have the sutures slide though her like that yet never having had abdominal surgery, nor sutures.

I haven't wanted to start dating for a number of reasons previously stated: lack of money, lack of time, lack of energy, lack of desire, fears of rejection, fears of intimacy, fears of repeating past mistakes, I could go on yet again, but I won't.

Yet, something new has come up in my dating avoidance scheme.

I seem to be more caught up in others' emotions and what I might or might not do that might hurt them. I see emotional issues from their side rather than mine and then think how my actions will affect them; e.g., in addition to the lack of time/energy/money, if I'm not looking to settle down, should I even be available for dating? Is it fair to give someone a false idea or hope? The idea physically pains me.

Yet, some would say its presumptive of me to think he would find me suitable enough for marriage after the first sip of coffee. Maybe conceited, even. There is a chance, I'm not what he's looking for. Plus, I haven't dated in over twenty-five years, I can't possibly expect to have a perfect first date, the first time out.So, I'm bound to make mistakes the first few times out.

And still others would ask me why is it such a big deal? You both might like each other, or not. If you both do, great; take it one day at a time! If you both don't, move on. If he does, but you don't, he's a big boy and can take care of himself. Stop taking care of him and take care of yourself. And if he doesn't but you do, then start taking care of yourself, and move on.

But, am I taking care of myself by not dating at all? One could argue I am. Another could argue I'm hiding out.

And, if I'm still trying to figure myself out, is it fair to drag him through it? A friend I confided all this to suggested he might want to take that trip with me. What if the Universe has conspired for me to learn something from him?

I will just have to learn to live with my empathic sensitivities...but, how? I guess I'll just have to stay in the moment.

In addition to thinking I'm more of an empath, or at least highly sensitive, I'm beginning to suspect my self-imposed isolation has turned me into an introvert, or at least I'm becoming more aware that I could be one and always have been. In the Huffington Post article, 23 Signs You're Secretly an Introvert, I solidly identified with eleven of the twenty-three signs, a bit less with the others and the only one I could not identify with at all said introverts tend to have low blood pressure, I don't. Among the ones I most strongly identified with:

• small talk is cumbersome;
  • yes, stimulate my mind!
• parties are to catch up with friends, not meet new ones;
  • more names to remember and what you do and who you're with
  • gods, more small talk
• I tire easily when overstimulated, especially in social settings;
  • see parties, above
• I can feel alone in a crowd;
  • see parties, above
• I don't get energized from my surroundings;
  • too much external energy saps my own
• I can be "intense";
  • I'm just trying to remember what you said to me

and lastly,

• I'm a writer.
  • it's easier to express emotion through writing than verbally
    
    • it's also an Aquarian thing

All this will make it hard to meet someone, especially at the beginning with all the cumbersome, but necessary small talk; and then meeting his friends, and his family, etc. My palms are already sweaty.

So, am I an empathic introvert or an introverted empath? Does it matter which comes first?

But, knowing this also gives me something to work on as I venture out of the safety of my shell.

To read the Huffington Post article, click here.