Too Gay or Not Gay Enough?

I don’t keep it a secret that I am gay.

I also don’t run around shoving my gayness in other people’s faces.

I also don’t keep it a secret that I don’t identify with many of the values I see in the gay male community.

So, does that make me gay? Or not? 

Or am I a self-loathing homosexual?

I recently stumbled across a gay twitterstorm regarding a version of this meme:

The comments that followed were unbelievable. The vast majority of them called the user a self-loathing homosexual because his tweet suggested that men who appear to force their gayness upon others were not deserving of his respect.

While a few comments seemed to support the original tweeter, there were a few. Very few.

Full disclosure: I did not respond to any of the tweets and yes, I was a bit put off by the meme itself finding it to be judgmental. But, it was the comments of "self-loathing" aimed at the original user that also bothered me.

One response that resonated with me simply re-posted the meme with the words “DO NOT” crossed out and replaced with the word “ALSO.”

I was recently re-watching an episode of Grace and Frankie, a Netflix original program revolving around two women, Grace and Frankie, who find themselves thrown together when their husbands, Robert and Sol respectively, come out of the closet and announce their love for each other and that they’d been in an ongoing, yet secret, relationship for nearly twenty years. In this episode, Robert and Sol were planning their wedding and had asked another gay couple to prepare some appetizers for a tasting. During the episode, it was revealed that twelve years prior Robert had slept with one of the other men during a period of time when both Robert and Sol were still married to their wives, but had broken up in their own relationship. The conflict became centered on, not if but when Robert should have told Sol about the indiscretion; right after it happened while they weren’t actually speaking to each other or soon after getting back together? And for dramatic effect as well, the reveal happened while the other man and his partner were in Robert and Sol’s kitchen preparing their appetizers. Needless to say, the overdramatic, yet tenderhearted Sol reacted very angrily not just because he was never told about it in the first place, but also because up until that moment, they had only kissed or slept with each other. There had been no other men in their lives before they fell in love. They believed in monogamy. 

Yet, my problem with the whole situation was not with Robert and Sol, but with the other couple, Peter and Jeff. As Sol was throwing them out of their house, Jeff, the other man in question, commented “It was just one night and we weren’t even compatible” totally downplaying Sol's emotions and suggesting infidelity is no big deal. After Sol comments that it’s not the compatibility he’s concerned about, the following dialogue ensues:

Peter, nonchalantly: “My God, what’s the point of being gay?”
Sol, sarcastic: “I didn’t know there was a point.”
Jeff, lighthearted: “I mean if we can’t shed some of the conventions of hetero life, where's the fun?”
Sol, pointedly: “I’m not gay to shed conventions; I’m gay because I love this man. The one you just said you didn’t care too much about sleeping with.”

What turned me off to Peter and Jeff was their apparent judgment of Sol for being so hurt and not, in their opinion, accepting of the lifestyle they chose to live or living it himself. This was also apparent by the side glances and side-eye they gave each other during the conversation.

I was very moved by Sol’s last line, “I’m not gay (in order) to shed conventions. I’m gay because I love this man.” Parentheses added for emphasis.

Isn’t that what being gay is, being able to love someone of your same gender? And not just hook up? I believe we are gay for who we love, who we are attracted to. We don't have to live the same lifestyle as one another for familiarity breeds contempt. If we all live our lives in the same way, then don't we become familiar with everyone else because we all have similar values and/or social mores?

In a community that espouses diversity and inclusion, I feel we fall somewhat short. We are all on our personal journey to our own self-awareness.

Does it matter if someone wears rainbow everything? That is where they are, not you.

Does it matter if someone focuses their life around hooking up? That is their path. Just hope they are playing safely.

Does it matter if someone prefers an open relationship? You don’t have to.

Does it matter if someone dresses like a "clown" to prove their gayness? It doesn’t mean you have to. And isn’t that being a bit judgmental by applying the word ‘clown’ to someone’s choice of clothing?

I may be wrong, but doesn’t it seem a bit judgmental to be putting someone down for being different? Or for not living up to your standards? Weren't we all judged and bullied for being different? Isn’t that what we say to those who judge us for simply being who we are-judge not, lest ye be judged? Yes, we love differently, so what? Then, isn’t it somewhat hypocritical to judge someone for being different within a community that allegedly celebrates its own differences and diversity?

So, some of us are promiscuous rainbow-wearing gay men who prefer open relationships and random hookups. And some of us aren’t. Most of us fall somewhere in between. And that’s okay.

And, gasp! Some of us might even fall somewhere along the asexual/aromantic spectrum. And that’s okay, too.

And just because they aren’t where you are, doesn’t mean they loathe themselves.

They just have a different understanding of who they are.

Which is perfectly okay.

Or have to act like?

Online Adventures

Online chatting is becoming interesting.

I've noticed a pattern among those responding to my profile. They seem to fall into a few groups:

1. Men who are horny and say so in the first few messages;
2. Men, mostly from Asian countries, who are seeking a boyfriend/husband and say so in the first few messages;
3. Men whose picture doesn't match their description in their profile who are seeking a long term relationship and say so either in their profile or their first few messages;
4. Men who just want to chat and maybe see where things go.

The first group is self-explanatory.

• Him: "Hi, horny?"
• Me: "Nope"

And that's it. Though sometimes they come back and try again. And strike out again. And, once in a while, I see them on my "Recent Visitors" page...like the men who keep circling in the bar, hoping for a different answer the third or fourth time they ask.

The second group seems to be comprised mostly of Asian men, primarily from the Philippines, India or SE Asia, who are seeking love/or a long term relationship and are quite direct in saying so:

• Him: "Are you looking for love or an LTR (Long Term Relationship)?"
• Me: "No"
• Him: "Would you take me for a husband?"
• Me: "If I'm not looking for an LTR, why would I want a husband?"
• Him: "Okay, bye"

And some are quite determined.

• Him: "But, I know I'm the right man for you!"
• Me: "And how exactly do you know you're the right man for me?"
• Him: "Because I can make you happy!"
• Me, thinking: (and you know that because we've been chatting for all of three minutes, yeah, right.)

Two weeks later they message me, "I miss you," like the one night stand who won't go away.

Um, yeah, okay.

The third group is interesting. I'm really beginning to spot them right away. For example:

• The physical description does not match with the picture; Eye color: Brown (yet, in the picture they're blue or some color other than brown.) Or, they say no facial hair while they sport a full beard in the picture; or they don't have tattoos while the arms in the picture are covered with them. (Not the sharpest pencils in the box.)
• The ethnic description does not match with the picture; Yes, I know I am generalizing or stereotyping, but some times things just don't add up. The ethnicity says "Middle Eastern" and the picture is of a blond haired blue eyed man? Perhaps, but my guard will be up. 
• The description of what they're looking for is too damn perfect. E.g., "I am an honest, caring and reliable man. I am also a good listener and I seek a loving man that shares these same qualities. I believe a relationship is built on the loving foundation of trust, appreciation and mutual respect." Or this, my personal favorite: "I want a man who can handle me like the tender fragile egg that I am. I love from the depths of my heart and soul." And you are 25? Yeah, right.
• The photo is of a man in a military uniform. And for some reason, they are all mechanical engineers stationed in Afghanistan, ending their tour of duty in the next six months and are absolutely sure they are the right man for me, and why wouldn't I want a military man. And they tell me all this in about five to six messages.
• Their English is not quite correct enough.
• They usually only post one picture.
• And after a few chats, it hits; they all need money.

These are the hustlers in the bar scene.

Buh-bye.

It's the fourth group that has been the most interesting. And sadly, the smallest. But, definitely the healthiest men in the bar.

Me, on an Alaskan adventure

I have met some genuinely nice men who simply want to chat. There has been no mention of sex. I have had some deep spiritual discussions with a Native American man, several compliments on my Spanish from a Peruvian, a Colombian, a Mexican and a very cute Chilean. A couple of men were interested in my writing or photography and inquired about my work, and a few retired teachers have asked how the profession has changed. One immense drawback, none of them are local. Well, one is; and he may turn into a writing buddy. 

Several friendly chats have started off nicely, yet have gone nowhere. They would start off in general conversation, but then we seem to miss each other. I guess the idea of chatting is to do it live, rather than leaving a message. Maybe live chatting is more important with gay men in case the messaging takes a, um, more, um, discreet turn. I don't know.

A couple of these men have led to the foundation of a nice friendship, however geographically challenging it might be. One even virtually held my hand while I was in Urgent Care for a recent appendicitis scare. (Turned out to be a torn, overworked muscle, but in the general area of my appendix. Better safe than sorry...and I'm grateful he was "there" when in reality he was about 250 miles away.)

Yet, whatever direction any of these conversations take, it will all be one new adventure.

Thanks 2013, I Needed That!

As I reflect on 2013, and anticipate 2014, I am looking back in order to look ahead and become more aware of who I am by acknowledging who I was. I had initially planned on reflecting on all the events of 2013, but chose not to. But, instead I found a post I initially wrote this past summer, but for some reason never published. And yet, it seems very apropos for today. ~JB

Pride.

Among the definitions of pride at Dictionary.com are these:

1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
2. the state or feeling of being proud.
3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character;   self-respect; self-esteem.

Looking at some of these definitions, or portions thereof, a proud person could be considered almost haughty. I guess it's how you carry yourself. 

After all, pride comes before the fall.

For many of us, Pride does come before the fall, in the summer. 

In June.

And we sometimes define it as a giant party.

I have attended various LGBTQ Pride events, on and off since coming out. I marched in the parade a couple of times before meeting my first partner and then, we would attend it and watch it together. But after a while, it became the same parade year after year. I mean, how many times can you watch hot young men dancing in their underwear (or less) to heart-stopping bass-thumping music on the bed of a flatbed truck?  What made the parades worthwhile were those community organizations that marched: Aids Project Los Angeles, The Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center, Gay Teachers of Los Angeles, Evangelicals Together, and Black and White Men Together were some of the community organizations that marched in the parades. Some of those groups are no longer appearing in the parades or have disbanded altogether. 

As LGBTQ visibility grew many major companies began having employee groups march in the parades.  Let's not kid ourselves, it was to show their acceptance so we would give them our business. After all, some gay couples allegedly have more disposable income as we don't have children to raise.

Stereotypes change, and same-sex couples are indeed raising children. But, I digress.

Group Shot!

Enough of the history lesson and back to the meaning of pride.

I marched in the parade this year.

I have been following both the National Office and Los Angeles Chapter of the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network on Twitter, @glsen and @GLSENLosAngeles, respectively. When I saw a tweet asking for more marchers in the LA Pride Parade, I signed up.

7:00 Parade morning rolled around, ugh. But, I'm usually up anyway as my cat can't tell the difference between a work and non-work day.  I performed my morning rituals, and decided not to drive to  West Hollywood, as parking is a major headache on a regular day, and now with a gatrillion LGBTQ people storming the smallest city I know of with the seemingly most restrictive parking, finding a place to park would be a major migraine! So, I opted for public transport.

We've started moving! I'm carrying  their banner!

There were two reasons I decided to march this year. When my ex left, I could count my gay male friends without lifting a finger. Not even one. Our married life had left us somewhat reclusive due to budget cuts, the regular housework, the house and yard maintenance, the furry children and the sheer fatigue from teaching.  We had been members of a gay dance club, but when he began his coursework for his teaching credential, his time for dancing was limited, and even though I continued going, we eventually dropped out. And the people seemed to drop us. 

With no gay male friends, I lost touch with my gayself. What does it mean to gay? Other than the attraction to other men? Do I have to like Judy Garland songs? Or Lady Gaga? Katy Perry? Musical Theater? Must I go to brunch on Sundays? Or throw/attend lavish awards show parties?  I needed to find that community support, that community understanding, that community itself. I needed to expand my social circle. I needed to come back out.

Somewhere along the route!

I also needed that sense of pride from the community. Coming home to animals who love me is great, but they can't talk to me, reassuring me the bigots are wrong, they can't help me talk through rough times when I feel the pain of discrimination, of bigotry, of buried self-inflicted homophobia. I recall very clearly how proud I was, how loved I felt when I first stepped onto the parade route all those years ago. The energy this time was different. I still felt love, but maybe I was used to it after all these years. Maybe it was because I was older and no longer fresh out of the closet. I was about two years out last time, not thirty. Maybe the crowd was more used to the parades, since its inception in 1970.  


Maybe I just did it for my own sense of Pride.

JB- And, maybe I did it for my first steps in moving forward back into the community and into 2014! 

If this is what being gay means....

 

then I might not want to be gay.

As I ease myself back into the gay community, and specifically the gay male community, I'm finding things I don't like, and remembering that I didn't like them before, either.

I recently went to Outfest, the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. I stood in line for the first of two films I wanted to see, and soon a group of three men got in line behind me. In a mere nanosecond, one of the men immediately began whining, "Oh, this festival has gone to hell since they let the girls take over!" 

My immediate thought was, "What blatant sexism!" and then I thought "Well then, bitch, why are you here and how would you make it better?" But, as I am practicing my newest lesson of staying in my moment and in my head, and no one else's, I said nothing. And what would it have proven, anyway? This was my first time at Outfest, so I had nothing to compare it to. And these three were dropping names like ice cream melting on a hot day. So, they'd been here before, and knew some people in positions. Precisely, who they knew and in what positions they knew them is unknown to me.

When I first came out in 1983 I remember meeting many men back then who were my age now, and they were simply bitchy old queens. They couldn't find anything nice to say about anything or anyone. I wonder why? Is it the difficulties we faced growing up that has turned men of my generation sour? No, I've even seen young drag queens "reading" each other, also known as "throwing shade."

• -Girl, those clothes look like a donkey f*cked a piñata and threw up! 

I just don't get the negativity. I was brought up that if you couldn't find anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Besides, many of us have had enough bullying in our closeted lives, we shouldn't have to put up with it now that we're out. And, least of all, by people who are supposed to be on our side in the struggle for equality.

If being gay means I have to whine, bitch and throw shade, no, thank you.

I have also been frequenting a little bar in my area. Okay, it's not exactly around the corner, but it's close. Closer than West Hollywood, where the shade can be thrown so fast and thick, you have to watch where you step. I have been chatting with the bartender and found we have a few things in common; like photography. Now, before any of you matchmakers get any ideas, he is younger than my ex, and that makes him AI, (Age Inappropriate), though he is quite GD, (Geographically Desirable) as he lives between my house and the bar; but, closer to my house. He is also Latino, a plus in my book, and about my height, also a plus. And, yes, I would say he's cute. (Many Latino twenty-somethings are.) Definitely a plus. And he's personable, but I suppose that's a requirement for the job. But, there are a couple of other considerations, other than the fact I am not looking for a boyfriend; he has a two year old son with his live-in girlfriend. (Yes, this is a gay bar I am going to, there are several rainbow flags on the roof! And he did refer to her as his girlfriend in a direct conversation with me.) 

But, that's all beside the point. 

One night I was sitting there playing with him, (We were playing Jenga! Get your minds out of the gutter!) and two old queens were sitting at the other end of the bar. By 'old', I mean my age, and by 'queens', I mean QUEENS. These men were there when I walked in and had already built a nice collection of glasses in front of them. The music was pumped up and they were probably ten feet away from me. They were saying things like, "How many shots will it take to get you to take your shirt off?" or "How many shots till we get you out of your pants?" or "How many shots till I can blow you in the bathroom?" They were obviously pretty loud if I could hear them over the music!!

And while I felt for the bartender, as he seemed uncomfortable with the unwanted attention, I knew it was not my place to act. They weren't directing the comments at me, so it was not my moment. Once, when he came over to me to make his move (in the game!), I told him admired him for having a strong personality to put up with shit like that pointing to the two old queens. He chuckled and said he just laughs it off. 

And yet, if it was just between him and those other two, why did it bother me so? I was trying to stay in my moment, not enter his. Though I guess I had when I commented to him about it. 

They say you shouldn't go through life narrating every experience for you don't get to enjoy that experience. That's true. But, this became a learning experience for me. Why did the objectification of this young bartender by these two old queens bother me so? 

June 1985

Because it took me back to the days when I was young, cute and objectified; when I was groped and felt up against my will, leaving me feeling cheap and degraded back then. Very few men wanted to take the time to get to know me for who I was, not simply for what I looked like. If I went on a date, and he got what he really wanted, he never called again. If I went on a date, and he didn't get what he really wanted, he never called again. Being young and naive, I took it all personally. Now, I know better, though it still surfaces at times and has become an obstacle for me to overcome now that I am single, again. And the objectification of this nice, intelligent, creative young man, or anyone for that matter, still bothers me, maybe because I didn't know how to deal with it back then so I am sensitive to others being objectified.

So, why do we view people as objects for our sexual gratification? To use them and toss away like dirty old tissues? There could be as many answers as there are people on the planet. Perhaps it's because some people set themselves up to be objectified and then we expect others to as well.

 

In the few times I've set up an online dating profile, many of the profile pictures other men have posted were of their naked torsos, or they were reclining on a bed or sofa with a carefully placed fold in the sheet, or just in their underwear. They also offered 'private' photos, or sent them to me, unsolicited, in a message. Many of these shots are not showing the guy's face. Perhaps they feel they still need to hide their identity on a gay site, or because it's an online hookup/dating site, or they're trying to hide from someone else. What this also suggests, to me anyway, is that is all they see of themselves. "I have to use my body to get someone's attention. So, let's start with the sex and see what happens as a result."

As for the whining, complaining, and throwing shade, we all do it to some extent; gay, straight, drag queen or not. The objectifying, it happens. It will happen, it will continue to happen. I think it's here to stay, unfortunately. So, I will have to learn to accept a sincere compliment and then let it be. I need to learn how to determine when someone is looking for something he's not going to get or is genuinely interested in what's between my ears and in my heart, not just what's between my legs. I'm not a kiss-on-the-first-date-(and-maybe-not-even-the-second)-date kind of guy. Okay, maybe a kiss, but nothing more than that.

 

If being gay means I have to objectify men, even if they ask for it, no, thank you.

I guess I'll have to treat the gay male community like one great big Al-Anon meeting;

I'll take what I like and leave the rest.

 

And take nothing personally.