Resolutions and Reflections

As I sit here in the early morning hours of December 31, at 4:30 a.m. to be exact, wondering why, once again, I cannot sleep as I've been awake since 2:30ish, I find myself looking back on this year.

And in contemplation of the next one.

Which brings up the traditional idea of New Year's Resolutions.

Surprise! I don't make any.

I stopped making them when I realized I never kept them. Not keeping them eroded my self-esteem, because I berated myself for failing. So, one year I resolved never to make any again. Does that mean I don't seek to improve myself in the coming year? No. I will make an effort to continue to improve myself, to walk down a healthier path, be it better eating, better attempts at exercise, etc. All I attempt to do is to be better. Which I think is easier than resolving to eliminate a bad habit.

2018 was the first full calendar year since my retirement. It's been interesting. I wanted to read more, I didn't. I wanted to write more, I sort of did. I wanted to exercise more, I didn't. I wanted to decompress from thirty-four-and-a-half years of teaching, I think I'm there. And maybe that was what I needed 2018 to be.

But, now it might be time to find a direction, something to do, to occupy my time, as well as my mind, as well as add to my wallet.

I am also reflecting back on 2018 as it has been an interesting year, both personally and politically. I'm not here to discuss the latter only the former.

This was the year I contemplated a roommate and had one actually which turned into a disaster. But, that was more based on the individual than the situation. No, not all roommates would be that difficult. But, I learned how challenging it would be to live with someone after eight years alone.

This was the year I began purging my house of anything I no longer needed, used or had seen within a year. So, I'm learning to downsize. 

This was the year I discovered the Tarot. I've discovered my readings are somewhat accurate which has been something new to wrap my head around. I'm trying not to be overly-analytical and wonder why they are so accurate, but simply accepting that they are. Letting go of this analytical stuff is hard for an Aquarian with a heavy dose of Libra in his astrological chart. Both signs are a bit guilty of overthinking and having the double dose is like being stuck in a mental maze with only a narrow escape route. So, I am learning I can stop overthinking.

This was the year I opened up to my intuition. Where this path will take me, who knows? I'll just be open to what it may bring. What else can I do? Maybe the cards will say. So, I am learning to trust myself.

This was the year I found more of my spiritual tribe. I've found people who understand where I am coming from and can sympathize, or even empathize, with me. These are people who encourage me along this path as they are walking some part of it, too. So, I am learning to socialize.

This was the year I reconnected with someone who has and will continue to play an important part in my life, but to what end, I can only speculate. I will confess, I've looked into the cards regarding this relationship, and they indicate it's promising, but that time will be a factor. Meaning, this will need some time to fully bloom due to where both of us are coming from. So, I am learning to trust someone else and open my heart, bit by bit.

As I look into the beginnings of 2019, which numerologically, is a Universal Year of 3. (To find the Universal Year, we add the digits to one single digit; 2+0+1+9=12, 1+2=3.) Three is the number of the trinity, of creation and therefore creativity. With creativity comes communication, as artists use their creativity to communicate their truths. This is a year for all of us to communicate our truth, once we find it.

As I look into a new year where I resolve to not make resolutions, I recall this t-shirt I bought a while ago. I think this sums up what I want to practice in 2019 and beyond:

Oh, yes, and I want to read more, write more and photograph more. 

The Five of Wands

I find myself living the 5 of Wands at the moment. While I am still living the Chariot moment I’ve described before, and I’m rebuilding from the crashing Tower moments, I am now embroiled in a 5 of Wands dilemma.

As we look at the card we see five young men all swinging large wooden staffs or clubs. This seems to be an unstructured battle, no direction from any leader. This has become a free-for-all. Five men all wildly swinging these large wands hitting each other. It’s no wonder this card has come to suggest chaos, confusion, struggle and/or conflict particularly over a course of action, as the suit of Wands represents our passions in life, our courses of action, our joie-de-vivre. 

I’ve recently had some homeowner issues. I found a trail of water coming from my water heater. So, after a quick but subdued panic, I searched for plumbers on Yelp, and requested a quote. Within 10 minutes I had a response to my request but the plumber would not quote me anything over the phone, or internet, until he could come out to see what he was getting into. I thought this was a wise move for both of us. Why would he want to lock himself into a project that might cost him more than he initially quoted based on a photo and therefore lose money, or have to readjust his quote, and charge me more than what we agreed on and possibly lose a repeat customer? Undoubtedly, I will have other plumbing needs in the future.

Due to how long the water heater had been leaking, it had evidently weakened the platform the water heater was on, and seeped into the wall of my house so that simply replacing the water heater would be problematic due to the weakened platform and would prevent me from addressing the possible mold issue in the wall surrounding the heater. To make this long story short, I am now the proud owner of a tankless water heating system.

Now, I just need to find some money to pay it off.

Here’s where the 5 of Wands comes in.

I retired earlier than I could have. Had I waited another four years, I’d be in a much better and more stable financial position, but I might be in a less stable emotional state of being. Hmmm, money or sanity? For me, the choice was easy. And I always was open to the idea of having to supplement my pension. But that was then, this is now.

I’ve been retired now just over a year and a half. I’ve taken some time to decompress and get used to the idea of being retired. But now, I need to augment my pension. But, I am an introvert and somewhat empathic and therefore I avoid crowds. I’ve also learned to treasure my independence and solitude. Oh, and my freedom to come and go as I wish. Or to stay home. Or to read. Or to write. Or to play games on my iPad all day. Or to sleep. I think you get the picture. And yes, I do need to get out to learn to manage my empathic introversion. Or is it introverted empathicness? Whatever…

Yes, I could use some extra cash. I could play the lottery. In fact, I do. But, nothing much has come from it. Last week, I won $10.00. Whoopee.

How do I maintain my sense of independence and freedom while working?

I think you see the 5 of Wands in my life now; the conflict and confusion over my situation. What do I do? What action do I take?

Do I search for a job where I don’t deal with many people? Is there such a job? Do I trust that I will be provided for and what does that mean exactly? Does that mean I will find the right job? Or other source of income? Or some giant cosmic ATM? Okay, that last one was a stretch.

I need to invoke the Hanged Man here. He is about surrendering and letting go. 

But, what do I let go? I just don’t want to end up being a martyr for my own cause.

Maybe I should let all of it go, and let it be.

And let the Star guide me...

My Favorite version of the Star
From the Aquarian Tarot, by David Palladini

Lessons from a Tree

The Lake at Franklin Canyon Park

I went for a walk the other day, as I try to get some exercise, vitamin D and to connect with nature as frequently as I can. I also try a walking meditation as I go along my way. Try being the operative word as those pesky thoughts and what-ifs do try and grab my attention. I acknowledge them, tell them to stfu and sit themselves back down. It doesn’t always work but at least I try.

This particular morning I decided to go to my favorite spot, Franklin Canyon Park. I knew the traffic would be less as it was Thanksgiving Day. 

Arriving at the park, I decided to remain on the paved roads as it had recently rained (finally!) and I wanted to avoid slipping in mud because I was hiking alone and should I fall and get hurt, I’d have no one to help me. After a while, I noticed the ground didn’t seem too muddy so I decided to just meander through the park while keeping my mind focused on what I was seeing and where I was going. I ended up taking a trail I had never explored before. 

The Unexplored Path

As I rounded a bend in the trail, I noticed a unique tree. A California live oak, I believe. California live oaks are quite common in the area, but what made this one unique was its development. As I passed it, I felt the urge to sit with the tree. Actually, I will admit I felt the tree reach out, “Come sit with me.” I made a promise, “I will be back” and continued exploring the path to its end.

I returned to the tree and took a few breaths to ground and center myself before climbing up on the trunk. Closing my eyes, I felt the energy of the tree and the sounds of the park surround me. And yet, I could feel the tree teaching me something. When I opened my eyes a few moments later, I understood what the tree wanted me to know.

When that little acorn fell from its parent tree, it landed just where it did. It took root and began to sprout; it found the nutrients it needed and grew into a sapling. Along the way, that little sapling faced many challenges, yet did what it needed to meet them without giving up its essence. In order to reach the light it so desperately needed, it had to grow parallel to the ground in places. Then it twisted itself around to grow some more when its neighbors began blocking out its light doing exactly what it needed to in order to continue its growth.

And the tree just did it. Without fear, without thinking of any repercussions, consequences or other potential outcomes. It needed to survive.

We can be like this tree. We will encounter many challenges along our journey and we can overcome them. We can bend ourselves, metaphorically, to circumvent some challenges. We can change direction, if need be.

Yet we are different from the tree.

We do what the tree doesn’t.

We think. 

I don’t mean to denigrate thinking. It benefits us while at the same time can be a source of discomfort. We can think to solve problems like what route is best, or which camera better suits my needs? Maybe those are simple choices with pros and cons to weigh but still some thinking is involved in reaching an outcome. But, thinking also gets us into trouble when we think of the what-ifs as we contemplate life's little conundrums. We anticipate negative outcomes which may or may not happen. (Hint, they usually don’t.)

• What if they don’t like me? (What if they do?)
• What if I fail? (What if you succeed?)
• What if it doesn't work out? (What if it does?)

Okay, so in reality we overthink.

When we meet a challenge, I feel we should stop, look at it, decide on a course of action, attempt it and then evaluate the result. Did it work? It did? Great. Move on.

It didn’t? What different approach can I try? Because if I try the same thing again, I can’t expect some magically different outcome. And isn't that the definition of insanity: trying the exact same approach over and over, yet expecting the results to somehow turn out differently on their own? 

Or should I try something else and change something within  me that concerns the situation while remaining true to myself? Perhaps a simple attitude adjustment?

Or is the whole thing even worth my energy?

Depending on how major of a situation it is, I prefer the last one. If the situation isn’t worth my energy, I say fuck it and move on.

So, where the tree simply adapts itself to the challenge, we actually have the ability to remove the challenge from our path.

But, the biggest lesson I learned came from a part of the tree we don’t see; the roots. The roots keep the tree grounded, safe and secure. While the trunk twists, turns and does what it needs to, the tree itself remains grounded and secure in its tree-ness.

Whatever life throws at us we are capable of meeting it as long as we remain grounded which, admittedly, is not easy.

And if we can do that we can reach our canopy out into the universe to its fullest extent.

Just like the tree.

All photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam

Happiness

A friend recently asked me a very deep, personal question. But, before I could answer, my mind took me on a quick trip back to my younger years.

I viewed this surprise trip down memory lane as inspiration for this post. Or as a sign I needed to write it. 

He asked me, “Are you happy?”

The moment he asked me this, a book that belonged to my grandfather flashed before my mind’s eye. As a child, I loved this book both in its simplicity of text and artwork. As an adult, I now see that its simplicity is also its depth. The book was “Happiness is a Warm Puppy” by Charles Schulz,1962. 

Yes, that Charles Schulz of Peanuts fame. As I recall, the book consisted of one line for each character or pair of characters describing what happiness meant to them: 

• One page shows Lucy hugging a confused Snoopy expressing “Happiness is a warm puppy.”
• Another page shows Linus all snuggled in bed, “Happiness is sleeping in your own bed.”
• And yet one more illustration shows Lucy with a pair of tweezers and Linus examining his finger with the phrase “Happiness is finally getting the sliver out.”

(Disclaimer: I do not have the book and these are pages I was able to see on various listings on the internet.)

The other memory that sprang to mind when my friend asked me that question was a song my family enjoyed whenever it came up on the 8-track. (Yes, I’m that old!)  “Happiness is...” by Ray Conniff sums up this post in its core lyric: “Happiness is different things to different people.” It goes on to list various people and what makes them happy:

• To a preacher, it’s a prayer
• To a golfer, it's a hole in one 
• To a father, it's a brand new son

You get the picture, we all have our own definition of what happiness is, from a warm puppy to a brand new son. Granted these are external moments of happiness. All of which can be lost in a moment.

Which leads me to my point, true happiness is an inside job. We choose what makes us happy. We choose to be happy where we are in that moment.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we should try to make ourselves happy while in a relationship that may be toxic or no longer working. Nor should we settle for or stay in a relationship or job if we are truly miserable and no longer consider ourselves to be happy. Nor should we accept something that we truly can’t live with while in a relationship or job that is doing well. Obviously some compromises can be worked out. 

For a number of years, I was in a relationship and believed I was happy. But, I was only happy because I was in a relationship again right after my first parter had passed. I was no longer alone. The relationship began to change after a few years but I was still with someone who loved me so I felt happy, after all relationships are forever, aren't they? And, I didn't want to be alone again. Naturally.

Quite a conundrum.

I have come to believe we must first be happy with ourselves. The moment we decide to place our happiness in someone else’s hands, they will drop it every single time. Every. Single. Time.

Nothing is perfect. No relationship, no job, nothing.

So, if nothing is perfect that begs the question, can we define what happiness is within the context of a relationship? Or any situation, for that matter. I feel that as long as we can be happy with ourselves in an imperfect situation, we can accept the challenges and imperfections as long as we are not settling for something less than we deserve.

Many of us believe happiness is a destination. If only I had..., if only I were..., if only I worked..., if only my partner...

And yet, when we get those dream items often we aren’t any happier. In my opinion, chasing happiness like this is similar to dangling the carrot in front of the donkey to get it to move forward. Sometimes we end up focusing so much on leading the donkey, we take our eyes off our path and end up who-knows-where.

So, this brings me back to my original point, we need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy externally.

With a potential relationship on the horizon, I am focusing on my happiness first. I am not depending on anyone else to make me happy. 

No one can. 

It’s my job, my responsibility and no one else’s.

So, to answer my friend, “Yes, I am happy."

Swords, Cups and Queens

Sometimes we are but a simple messenger delivering a message we don’t understand.

And we pray the message is good so we don’t get metaphorically shot.

Hopefully we will find out the verdict if we just wait.

And trust.

And continue to trust.

And then trust some more.

And then, voilà, all will be revealed in its own divine time over which we have no fucking control.

I had such a lesson quite recently. Fortunately, it all happened within the same hour period, so this was a very short era of divine time.

It happened in my Tarot group.

After our typical lesson and discussion period, we have a Readers’ Exchange, where, if someone has a question, the other readers who choose, offer to read for the questioner.

Now, I am one of the newest members in the group, both in learning and attending regularly. Some of the others have been reading for at least a year or two more than I have and some up to nearly twenty years.

It took me a few months to gain the courage to begin reading for all these veterans.

And, I took that step about a month ago.

This lesson I learned was just a week ago. Two of the more experienced members had a question for the Readers’ Exchange and I chose to read for them. Now, when I do a reading at home for a friend, or myself, I usually do a full Celtic Cross which involves ten cards across a table. That’s a little difficult to pull off in a restaurant where there are dishes, ketchup bottles, water glasses, etc on the table. Plus, we usually run upwards of ten people total so table space is at a premium. I’ve tried experimenting with three-card spreads, as in a past/present/possible future situation, or a where-are-you-now/what’s-blocking-you/a-possible-outcome spread.

In both cases, I drew three cards assigning a meaning to each position in the spread. The first question had to do with the possible outcome of insurance companies handling a claim of a recent automobile accident. In this case, I assigned speed-of-resolution to the first space, challenges-or-blockages to the second space and left the third space as a possible wild card, meaning a card for advice, clarification, etc. The first two cards made perfect sense to me for the positions they were in. The third had me stumped; the Queen of Cups. 

Now I could have thrown the cards back in the deck and redrawn, but would that improve my ability? And shouldn’t I learn to work with the cards and the questioner together? I mean, if this is what came up, it came up for a reason. And mine is not to wonder why.

As Cups is the suit of the heart, the Queen is the most nurturing and loving of the four queens in the deck and she can also signify a romantic connection. She is also the most maternal of the queens and very caring. I was having great difficulty connecting her to the situation, the car accident.

When a Queen, or any court card, shows up in a reading, it can refer to;

1. A real person,
2. An aspect of the questioner’s personality as it relates to the attributes of the card, or in some instances,
3. The energy of the card somehow in the overall situation. 

I ruled out the last one as I couldn’t see a car accident being somewhat nurturing.

Another reader was asking some clarifying questions based on the cards she had pulled, and our questioner began telling her story. I listened raptly for any mention of someone who might fit the Queen of Cups. As my friend recounted the story she began with how it happened and the immediate aftermath. She recalled sitting on a curb when a woman came up to her, said she was a nurse and made sure my friend was okay. The nurse stayed with her all day making sure my friend had something to eat, and made sure she got home safely. 

Then it hit me, the nurse was the Queen of Cups! I couldn’t see her in the spread even if she did come up. However, she was there in the story. 

The second reading was a general reading for a woman who was celebrating a birthday and wanted to know what the upcoming year might bring. I’d never done a birthday reading before, especially with three cards, so I improvised. I couldn’t very well do a past/present/future here. So, I thought mind/heart/body? Hmm, why not? And a fourth card to represent a theme for the year.

So, I drew the first card for the mind position, and it was appropriate. Cool. The second card, for the heart, was a bit concerning, but nothing tragic. The third card for the body was troublesome. The questioner had been having health issues, recently had surgery to remedy them and here I draw the Nine of Swords. A card of grief, despair, worry, anxiety, the list goes on. It’s not a good card to see come up. 

Soon, it came to be my turn to share. So, I shared the first two cards, and my friend understood them. Then it came time for the Nine of Swords and her health. As I held up the card, the energy I was feeling didn’t seem very heavy. I wasn’t filled with the sense of grief or worry normally carried by that card. I couldn’t place what exactly was happening but it didn’t feel as troublesome as when I first saw the card. Before I could go on further, my friend said, with a big smile on her face that she knew exactly what the card was referring to. And was quite content.

Whew!

As I am learning to trust in my readings, my broader lesson here is to also trust in myself.

The hardest lesson of all.

But, I’m getting there.

The Temperant Hermit Priestess

As I’ve been exploring the Tarot, I’ve been discovering that certain cards appeal to me more than others.

Maybe appeal isn’t the right word, but speak to or resonate with me.

One of the first cards that resonated with me was the High Priestess. 

She guards a temple allowing in only the initiated. To enter, one must honor the duality of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, the darkness and the light, as suggested by the two contrasting pillars. She teaches us the mysteries of the Divine Feminine energy carried within us regardless of gender identification or sexual orientation. She directs us to go within to find our own truth and to connect to our subconscious mind which is symbolized by what lies beyond the veil behind her. 

When I first studied the keywords associated with her, they really hit home because I could see myself in the card as she embodies my journey to my higher consciousness. She still resonates strongly with me; I smile when she appears in a reading, whether for me or someone else. Often when I feel the need, or the inspiration, to buy another deck, I’ll check out the artwork on her card to see if that artist's rendition appeals to me and make my decision to buy the deck based on her. 

As well as on my intuition. And budget.

The High Priestess is about seeking that inner voice, and listening to our intuition to help us understand both ourselves better as well as the mysteries of life.

Another of my favorite cards is the Hermit.

He stands alone on a snow covered mountain top. He has chosen the path of self-discovery and has now reached his summit. His lantern holds a six-pointed star representing both the Seal of Solomon, a sign of wisdom, and the Merkaba, a spiritual symbol. His lantern lights only the next few feet in front of him as he cannot see the whole journey ahead, just the next few steps into the unknown. He takes those steps believing all will be revealed in Divine Time. The staff in his left hand, the side of the subconscious, helps him maintain balance as he walks his path.

He represents soul-searching, introspection, solitude and inner guidance. I like to view him as a student who has learned from the High Priestess and is near the peak of his journey. Therefore, I also see myself in him as I do spend a lot of time in introspective solitude. And like with the High Priestess, I smile when he appears. 

Another card that has recently begun reaching out to me is Temperance. 

On this card we see a winged angel of ambiguous gender. Being an angel, this figure represents our connection to the divine, to our higher power. The angel is standing between earth and water suggesting the importance of being grounded while going with the flow of life represented by the path in the background. The crown in the background suggests taking the higher path to remain true to one’s journey and calling especially when the going gets rough. The figure pours water back and forth between two goblets reminding us again of the ebb and flow which is the magic of life.

This is card about balance and moderation, as well as patience and purpose.

I view both the High Priestess and the Hermit as relating directly to my own path into my Self, into my higher consciousness, while Temperance is a lesson I need to meditate on, and even more so lately. I need to keep myself in balance and remain patient not only with myself but with others as well. And this will continue to lead me to my purpose in life. 

And not just for the purpose of this blog.

I am exploring a somewhat unconventional relationship. I think I've said that once before. We had a past and when we came to a parting of the ways, it was the most excruciating pain, emotional or physical, I’d ever experienced.

I had always maintained there was a spiritual purpose to this relationship and even when we separated, I knew deep down we were not finished. We still had more to discover; about each other, and more importantly, about ourselves via this relationship.

So, we would have our time. But when, I did not know.

We have now reconnected and things are moving smoothly, but slowly. And here’s where Temperance comes in. I’d like to move a little faster. But, I need to take his pace and concerns into account as well. Finding that balance where we are moving forward but not scaring each other off is difficult. I need to keep myself grounded while going with the flow.

Things between us have changed since the first phase of the relationship. In the two and a half years of separation we both have grown, we both have matured. Yet, I still get triggered by things that happen now as I compare them to how they happened in the past, even if they are different in the present. So, I still need to focus on the now, not the then. Temperance would remind me of my purpose: focus on the now and remain grounded. 

Friends have also expressed their concerns over this reconnection. Some have been happy for me, others suggesting caution. Some have even offered their own unsolicited opinions and advice. And here’s where I have to invoke Temperance. I’ve explained to my friends that I don’t appreciate opinions or advice unless I specifically ask. I do understand where they are coming from. But, unless they have walked each and every exact step in the exact same shoes I have, their comments are meaningless to me as they relate to the reality of their own situations with their own relationships and not to their perception of mine. We all bring our own experiences to the table and no two tables are set the same. And unless I’m misunderstanding, their situations involve two completely different people with very different backgrounds than my current situation. So, I find no basis for any comment. True, one can argue “human nature” is somewhat comparative, but once a spiritual hold takes over, that argument becomes null and void. At least in my opinion. 

So, I will invoke, or meditate on Temperance to help me remember to maintain balance, to at least acknowledge these friends who inadvertently slip and offer something unsolicited but still coming from the goodness of their hearts. Then I can go back to the Hermit and High Priestess to help me find my intuition, my inner voice and head back beyond the veil to my snow-capped mountain retreat.

The High Priestess from
The New Palladini Tarot
by David Palladini

The High Priestess
from The Aquarian Tarot
by David Palladini

Here are three of my favorite depictions of 

the High Priestess.

I tend to favor the bottom one, in all honesty.

The High Priestess
from the Harry Potter deck
by Eleonore Pieper

Lucy's Chickens

I recently did something I’d always wanted to.

I watched all 179 episodes of I Love Lucy in order. I didn’t binge on them watching them back to back. But, I did start at the beginning with “The Girls Want to Go to a Nightclub” which originally aired on October 15, 1951 and concluded with “The Ricardos Dedicate a Statue” with an original airdate of May 6, 1957. I’d watch two or three episodes before bed or when I had some time. I didn’t check when I started, and I was interrupted by a weeklong trip to Georgia. So, I had no rush or a timetable; I just wanted to watch them in order over time at leisure.

I’ve been a fan of both Lucy and Lucille Ball for years. I’ve often remarked to myself and those other fans I know, how moments of our life today can be found in I Love Lucy.

We can even learn lessons from the original Fab Four-and-a-half; Lucy, Ricky, Fred, Ethel and, of course, Little Ricky. 

I’ve been exploring a possible relationship with someone very close to me. Yeah, I know. Why explore a relationship with someone not close to me? But, he is a very dear friend and I believe that the friendship itself would be the foundation for something really special between us. But, I digress from Lucy.

Lucy and the black eye

I was watching the Connecticut episodes near the end of the series when this lesson hit me harder than when Ricky tossed the book at Lucy giving her a black eye.

This lesson was about me in this possible relationship.

I’ve always had the tendency to think of the negative when things don’t go as anticipated. He and I have no set rules as when we will contact each other, but we try every day to chat at least once in the morning and once in the evening, sort of a "good morning" and a "sleep well" chat. When he can't make the morning chat, he lets me know ahead of time. So, I've come to anticipate this pattern. I understand things come up and he might not respond as quickly as I might, or our timing might be off due to said interruptions. Frequently, I have jumped to the conclusion that he either forgot me, found someone else, or simply changed his mind and has ghosted me, in spite of his many reassurances he’s not going anywhere. (At least I’m not picturing him lying dead in a ditch somewhere. I’d call that progress.)

Every time things haven’t gone per our pattern, I’ve asked or he’s immediately explained what happened and I find our communication gratifying, though I’m sure he must be getting tired of my insecurity.

Back to Lucy. In a pair of episodes, Ricky and Lucy decide to raise chickens to sell the eggs and the Mertzes move to Connecticut to manage the business. After a few missteps, Ricky gets tired of waiting for the hens to begin laying so he decides to sell them and get out of the egg business. When the poultry man arrives to buy the chickens, they are missing. Spotting one of the missing hens in Ethel’s hatbox, Ricky then accuses Fred of being a chicken thief whereupon Fred accuses Ricky of planting the hen in the hatbox to scapegoat Fred and cop the profit for himself. The argument escalates to where all four adults end up accusing each other with Lucy and Ethel also getting swept up in the accusations when some hens are discovered in the Ricardo’s living room. 

As it turns out, no one is a chicken thief as Little Ricky, wanting to keep the chickens, conspired with his next door neighbor to hide them!

And that’s when it hit me, the reason for many misunderstandings is rarely as severe as we often make it. These four adults were jumping to conclusions when the reason behind the missing chickens was simpler than they thought. 

So, the next time things might not go according to our pattern, I’ll invoke this episode to remind me, that the reason of my doubts and fears is far less complicated than the conclusion I’m jumping to. 

And no one is a chicken thief. 

Epiphanies from The Past

Salt Lake City Mormon Temple

While watering my backyard the other night, I came to an interesting realization which only confirms my belief that things happen for a reason.

I’ve stated here in my blog that I believe I was destined to end up with my house which also suggests I was destined to be exactly where I am in this current moment.

Yet, this latest epiphany revolves around another huge moment in my life: my parents’ divorce when I was five years old. 

If they hadn’t divorced, my life would have been quite different. Yes, I know that goes without saying. But, let me describe the two possible scenarios dancing around in my head.

My father’s family is very much a part of the Mormon church with many of our ancestors converting to the church in their native countries and immigrating to America to be with other active members during the church's early history, the 1840s-1850s. I attended Primary, an organized instructional program for children ranging in age from 18 months to twelve years of age, up until my parents divorced.

Had my parents stayed together, the church would have been a big part of my life.

While no one can be sure of what would have actually happened, here are two possible scenarios both beginning with my staying with the church.

1. I would have followed my ancestors’ footsteps, possibly going on a mission somewhere in the world whether exotic like France, or Costa Rica, or someplace much less exotic, like Oklahoma City. I would have felt the pressure to marry and have children. I would have fought my same-sex attraction, living a very repressed and therefore depressed life, possibly leading to me die by suicide, leaving many unanswered questions behind for my family.

 or

2. I would have ultimately accepted myself, probably leaving the church and divorcing my wife, disrupting her and any children’s lives we may have had.

No one has a reverse crystal ball to see how things might have played out. 

Los Angeles Temple

While I did not remain in the Mormon church after my parents’ divorce, eventually I did end up in an evangelical Baptist environment in my mid-teens and remained semi-active in it until my mid-twenties. During that part of my life, I also felt the pressure to marry and reproduce. Even after coming out, I tried to reconcile my religious beliefs with my sexual orientation and found I could not. One of them had to go and it was the only one I believe is a choice. 

I do believe religious culture does lead to higher rates of lgbtqia teen suicide, depression, substance use/abuse, and homelessness as many teens are evicted from their homes when they come out to their religious and/or conservative parents. Even some adults who come out later in life contemplate suicide while reconciling their religious beliefs and orientations. Due to these extreme pressures from the religious communities, there is also a higher rate of substance abuse, depression and anxiety in the lgbtqia community. (Links below)

I will admit here that those very attitudes were among the reasons for me to contemplate ending my life in high school. 

It seems many religious, conservative men can’t hide their true feelings, either. I have included a link to an article listing a few Republican politicians who masquerade as religious or conservative (they usually go hand-in-hand) who were eventually caught with their pants down with another man. 

(Note: I wish to acknowledge those individual churches, denominations, and religions who are accepting of their lgbtqia members, as well as those individuals and groups working within the less tolerant churches, denominations and religions to change attitudes. Thank you, may you all be blessed.)

I do believe things happen for a reason, but I often wonder what that reason is. Maybe the Universe has other plans for me. Maybe my destiny lies elsewhere.

Only the Universe knows what those plans are and is communicating with my soul.

If only my ego would sit down, stop questioning everything and just listen.

For information on Mormon LGBTQIA suicides, click here

Republican and Gay sex scandals

An Abstract on Substance abuse disorders in Self-Identified Sexual Minorities

Substance Use and Substance Use Disorders in LGBT populations

The Tower

There are a few cards in the Tarot Deck that are not the most pleasant for the reader and may actually illicit fear in the client upon seeing them in a reading.

• A few from the Swords suit come to mind, and in my opinion, the 3 of Swords is one of the most troublesome.
• In the Major Arcana, Death, the Devil, and the Tower stand out to me.

As a reader, I try to caution anyone I read for not to take those cards seriously as they (the client) do not understand all of the associations with the cards and how they interplay with the other cards in the spread as well as with the position the card occupies in the spread itself and how the card turns up; is it upright or reversed? Sound complicated? Mhm. Yet, I can understand the client’s shock on seeing the cards if they turn up in a reading. After all, depending on the artist, the images can be quite disconcerting; let alone the names Death and Devil.

I recently posted about my life being an example of the Chariot card.

In reality, this could be a Tower moment for me as well.

In the traditional rendering of the Tower card, we see a tower being struck by lightning and two people falling from it; a man and a woman. One of them is dressed rather poorly while the other is well-dressed, even wearing a crown. Another oversized crown is falling from the pinnacle of the tower. Some renditions show waves crashing around the base or foundation of the tower.

How often can we predict or control when lightning might strike? Or the amount of damage it causes? We can’t. The traditional association with this card is a sudden, abrupt change over which you have no control is about to upset things, possibly shaking you to your core or foundation. Not a very pleasant thought.

Some readers associate this card with another famous tower, the Tower of Babel. In the story, man-in his ego-built the tower tall enough to be closer to God, to aspire to be more like Him. God didn’t like this, and struck the tower with a bolt of lightning. Therefore, this card can also be a warning to mind the ego which, coincidentally, is represented by the large crown in the picture.

While the idea of a sudden, abrupt change is never welcome, it can serve a purpose. When things are this shaken up, it can give us the opportunity to rebuild, but even stronger than before, while minding the ego at the same time.  

My divorce was a Tower moment. It came out of the blue, shook me to my very core, yet gave me the opportunity to rebuild myself even stronger. So, all in all, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 

Three of Swords~
Heartbreak

I may be experiencing another Tower moment. Yet this change, while sudden and unexpected, hasn’t shaken me to my core in a negative way or even as deeply as the divorce did. Yet, I feel I am rebuilding myself a bit stronger in this newest Tower moment.

As I stated in the Chariot post, someone near and dear to me has re-entered my life. His return came suddenly, abruptly and quite unexpectedly, just like the lightning. I did feel quite shaken at first as it was a return I had hoped for but didn't anticipate at this time. I always felt our business together was unfinished and our time before might not have been the right time for us. But, is now the right time? Time will tell.

I see myself having changed during our time apart. In the past, when I didn’t hear from him for a while, I felt abandoned as that fear has always been one of my deepest ones stemming from my childhood. Now, I know that fear has nothing to do with me at all. And with him, I know he will get back to me as soon as he is able.

I also want to see things develop on a more gradual, natural basis rather than rushing things like so many people do. There is an old joke playing off a lesbian stereotype. What does a lesbian bring to the second date? The moving van. I’ve heard many lesbians repeat this joke so I feel somewhat safe in relaying it here. We may have rushed things before, which led to the separation and caused some hurt feelings on both sides.

Perhaps our Tower moment was the separation itself which allowed us to strengthen our own personal foundations even more for our time now. Maybe his reappearing in my life isn’t an actual full Tower moment, but a mini-Tower? 

Or better yet, a Six of Cups moment.

Six of Cups

A reunion from the past. 

Attraction

There’s an old sexist saying, “Clothes make the man.” I think clothes can make anyone. Look what they did for Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

Patrick Swayze as Vida Boheme,
Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar

There’s another much less sexist saying, “We are what we eat.” We eat junk food, we have a junk body.

And both Jesus and Buddha said something along the lines of our thoughts create our reality.

And then there’s the idea that like attracts like. Except with magnets. There, like repels like. So I guess we have two theories of attraction.

As well as a Law of Attraction.

How does that apply to us?

It seems that according to Jesus and Buddha (and a few other spiritual and psychological leaders) our thoughts create our reality. Whatever mindset we maintain, we maintain in life. If we believe we will never find the dream job, we will never find the dream job. If we believe we deserve poverty, we will live in poverty. If we believe all men or women cheat, we will attract men or women who cheat. If we believe we aren’t good enough, we never will be good enough.

It’s like what Henry Ford once said, 

All of this is fine in theory, but how does it seem to work? With magnets, it’s an opposite polarity thing.

But, with our thoughts, we are attracting like thoughts. So, it'a a same polarity thing. 

Follow me here.

We are made up of matter, which in turn is made up of atoms which are made up of energy. Energy vibrates. Different energies vibrate at different frequencies. Similar frequencies would attract one another. Have you ever noticed someone and felt there was something off about them? They may have been sending off a bad vibe or frequency which clashed with yours. Or, conversely, you were drawn to them? Their energy may have been pulling you toward them.

Perhaps this video can explain better than I can.

But, changing a mindset is not easy because we are steeped in old patterns of belief. 

Beliefs such as we don't deserve the good things in life. When we suffer a breakup, why do we seem to blame ourselves? What more could I have done? We believe we are always at fault or not good enough.

If we don't get that job we wanted it was because we believe we didn't deserve it.

Where do these beliefs come from?

Some come from our past. I grew up in an environment where I never felt I was good enough.

Some come from society. As a youth questioning my sexuality, I didn't want to be "one of those dirty old men" lurking in dark alleys.

Some come from religion. Nor did I want to be condemned to the fiery pits of hell for loving someone regardless of gender.

Changing those beliefs isn't easy, but necessary to raise our vibration in order to attract what we truly deserve.

So, how do we do that?

We just do.

Yeah, I know. Easier said than done.

I'm starting with positive affirmations.

I'm focusing on what I have, not what I need.

I'm rewarding myself intrinsically for completing something challenging, for meeting a goal and not punishing myself for incomplete work.

I'm focusing on embracing my shadows and working with them, not letting them work against me.

I'm focusing on being me and letting go of caring what others think. After all, it's not my business what they think of me, only what I think of myself.

I'm focusing on loving myself.

Just as I am.

The Chariot

When I think of a chariot, I think of movement. Forward movement in particular, because it would be hard, if not impossible, to move a chariot in reverse. Horses don't like to back up, especially when attached to a vehicle. I also envision the chariot races from ancient civilizations which in turn suggests speed. Plus with the races, there is a winner and a loser.

As I look at the Chariot card from the standard Rider Waite tarot deck, I see two sphinxes, instead of horses, pulling this chariot. The fact that one is black and the other is white suggests the idea of opposites. In Greek mythology, the sphinx was often depicted as female, while the Egyptians depicted it as male. Again, opposites.

The young man in the image is dressed in armor, a warrior maybe? Yet, he wears a crown. A warrior-prince? The crescent moon epaulets suggest emotions as the moon is said to affect ours. He has also crossed a moat, and water is often seen as a symbol of emotion in dream interpretation, while astrologically, the water signs are said to feel more intensely than the other signs. So, the chariot is moving through some emotional issues.

Above him is a canopy decorated with stars symbolizing the heavens. Divine guidance or protection, perhaps?

One can only imagine the strength needed to control a chariot with two powerful creatures pulling it, be they horses or sphinxes. Without that control, these two creatures could end up going in opposite directions, creating chaos, disruption, and possible destruction in their wake.

Stagnancy isn't pretty...

I am living a chariot moment right now.

My life is moving forward.

Well, it always has been moving forward because time has a habit of just marching onward. We can either move with it and grow, or remain stagnant while it marches on.

And I have been growing.

My chariot has begun to pick up speed, so I need to gather some strength. Perhaps a little control, too.

Someone very near and dear to me has re-entered my life, catching me totally by surprise and quite off-guard. Yet, it has been quite a pleasant reconnection. For both of us.

We have a very deep connection that we recognize but don't fully understand, yet we seem to understand each other in ways no one else can comprehend. Get it?

We are like the sphinxes in the card, quite opposite each other. He's a Leo, a fire sign full of passion, motivation, drive, and physical energy and I am Aquarius, an air sign-full of logic, rationalization, reason, all mental energy. Interestingly, if the body of the sphinx is typically a lion, does that make me the head of the sphinx bringing us together in one powerful creature? Leo falls in mid-summer, Aquarius in mid-winter which places them directly opposite each other in the zodiac, which is located in the heavens. Remember the canopy?

We have an age difference which brings an added dimension to this adventure. The crown reminds me to control my own ego. So, just because I'm older doesn't mean I will always know best. And while I can own up to more life experience, he will still have his own experiences to learn from. And I must let him learn. And not rescue, but support him.

The charioteer is determined. He is focused and serene. He senses victory but must not let himself get carried away; metaphorically by his emotions, nor literally by a chariot out of control.

Balance is the key.

Perhaps this is our lesson to keep our chariot moving in a forward direction towards victory.

This time.

Synchronicities 10

I haven't written about synchronicities in a while, so I thought I would especially after a couple of really interesting ones happened one right after another. Well, isn't that part of synchronicity? The timing?

I’ve been on uneasy terms with the Universe lately. Or on uneasy terms with myself. Or with my path/journey/purpose. And I don’t know why.

Perhaps it’s because I’m getting used to a new side of me and wondering if the Universe is actually guiding me in that direction as it’s a bit different. And a bit scary. And a bit woo woo!

I’ve been exploring it, but still a bit tentatively. And the Universe has been patient with me, for which I'm grateful.

But, I think the Universe is beginning to lose patience.

A few things have happened recently that amount to a clarion call of “wake the fuck up, stupid!”

I was recently shopping on Amazon and a book title in the “Recommended for you” section of my homepage caught my eye: The Reluctant Tarot Reader: Adventures in the Gypsy Trade, by Raven Mardirosian. I was intrigued; there’s another reluctant tarot reader out there? So, I read the synopsis:

She's a gay girl in a Christian world, becoming the healer she was meant to be. 
But what do you do with a gift that you really don't want?
Raven Mardirosian dreamed of being a missionary. A vet. An English teacher. Becoming a professional Tarot reader never crossed her mind. So, how did she go from staunch, born-again Christian and promising academic . . . to life in the woo world?

And there was more, but other than the girl part and dreaming of being a vet, it all resonated very strongly with me. So, I downloaded it. And by the first 40 pages I was hooked. 

Where she had a tarot deck quietly pressed into her hand, I stumbled onto a couple of YouTube videos of some readings that resonated with me and I figured I had nothing to lose but the cost of a deck and a book or two and a little time to study.

Plus, Raven and I both come from an evangelical background and a good little Christian wouldn’t dare touch these wicked, wicked cards, let alone come out as LGBTQ. But, if I had already made peace with my Christianity and being gay, I could certainly get past the evangelical ghosts warning me of these little pieces of paper with pretty pictures.

As I read her book, Ms. Mardirosian revealed more of our commonalities. She would often refer to a second deck of cards similar to the Power Animals Oracle deck I use, so she was also aware of Shamanic messages as well. This was getting intriguing. She often referred to herself as a healer; one of the Power Animal cards I draw frequently is Snake. Isn’t a snake or two entwined on the medical staff? Snake is also one of my Spirit Guides. So, maybe I’m to be a healer, too?

The last few sections of the book kept repeating one particular theme: Tell your Story. Tell your Story. Tell your Story.

Maybe that’s how I am to help heal the world, by writing. Both here and my stories. 

Okay, Universe I get this message. But what else were you trying to tell me last week?

I had three separate conversations within three days, regarding my spiritual journey. More precisely, certain aspects of my journey.

The first one happened with a complete stranger. (Is there such a thing as an incomplete stranger?… sorry, random thought.) 

An insurance salesman came to review some supplemental policies I have. Upon entering my home, he immediately commented on the color. My living room is red and purple with espresso accents. He loved how calming it was. I commented on the fact red isn’t necessarily a calming color. He said, “No, but the tone you picked is very calming and it's just an accent wall.” Okay, I didn’t suspect anything when he first came in, but now he was commenting on the tone of the accent wall color? Hmmm, I began to suspect something…might he be one of the family? He then commented, “Oh I love your Buddha statue!” 

"Thanks, I sit there and meditate every morning.”

“I didn’t get to meditate this morning and I feel off.”

Say what? Here's an attractive man in my living room talking about meditating? And the tone of my accent wall color?

He went on, “I like to meditate on how I can be a better me in this relationship, focusing on improving myself.” Okay, not ‘wife’, not ‘girlfriend’ but ‘relationship’? I’m picking up on things here. This might be interesting. Did I mention he was handsome? And closer to my age. We were discussing the minor changes in my policies when we were distracted by the flock of birds feeding outside on my patio table. I showed him a video of the crazy jay bird that likes to knock on my sliding door. 

“Do you ever look up what that might mean?” He asked.

“You mean as a spiritual message?”

“Yes, exactly.” My jaw metaphorically hit the floor. He then shared an encounter he had with a roadrunner in the hills above his home. The roadrunner just stood by and watched him walk by with his dog. Didn’t move, run or hide. The bird just stood there, obviously not frightened. He then showed me a picture of his dog, in the car with his wife. Okay, now I know.

From there we moved onto our individual spiritual journeys. He’s barely starting out, taking baby steps, I seem to be a tad further along. I shared a story where I had 'sensed' something about another friend, which her husband had dreamt about two nights before affirming what I had sensed.

“Oh, you’re an intuitive, then? Like my wife.”

So, I’m sitting in my dining room having a spiritual discussion with an insurance salesman just feeling overwhelmed with it all. Why was it happening? What was the Universe up to? Enquiring minds want to know. Or, at least mine does.

Two days later, I make the 35 mile drive to my optometrist for my annual checkup. I’ve been going to this practice for so long, it seems more like a family reunion than a medical visit. Plus, the doctor is a bit of eye candy. Alas, he is married with two daughters. Over the years he would ask a bit of advice on navigating the school district which I was only too happy to provide. 

So, he asked me how life and retirement were treating me. I answered I’m searching for a direction. He inquired about my writing. I responded that I think I’m hitting some deep cathartic levels I’m not sure I’m ready to face. “You’ll know when you are,” he replied. “Take that leap of faith!"

“I’m also discovering newer sides to me,” I told him. And I shared the same story of my friend, what I sensed and her husband’s dream and that I was getting used to this new aspect of who I am and concerned how others might react. 

“Why do you care?” he asked.

Touché.

And somewhere in all this conversation he dropped the word ‘healer’ which brought me back to my Snake spirit guide.

Once the exam was over, I went to see the contact lens technician who is actually responsible for my coming to this practice. Decades ago, she and I had worked together in a now-defunct department store. I had casually asked her if she knew of an optometrist as I needed to renew my drivers’ license and check my vision. She referred me to her father's practice and he has since retired. So, she and I spend some time catching up every visit. And catch up we do; all of our divorces-hers, mine, her parents’; the births and subsequent growth of her nephew and niece; visits with her mother-who had been the contact lens technician in the beginning; her father’s subsequent remarriage; my career and retirement, my writings. See, it is like a family reunion.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened but the theme of the day continued. We seemed to suddenly be sharing about the numbers we see, their meanings and she launched into her own stories of intuition/premonition/whatever-you-want-to-call-it.

I’m still digesting it all somewhat. Within the space of about four days, I kept getting messages to "tell my story”, “have faith”, “be a healer”, plus meeting people who aren’t turned off by intuitives.

The timing of it all is still overwhelming.

Perhaps the strangest or strongest message came today.

I recently found an old gift card to Barnes and Noble. I found some books online about opening up to gifts of Spirit. The subtotal before tax and shipping was $22.22! 

According to multiple sources, 2222 is a reminder to maintain a positive attitude and a firm belief in oneself. In other words, have faith that all will work out for the best. Touché.

I guess I now know what the Universe was telling me.

And for the record, my living room is actually cranberry and mauve. With espresso accents.

Strong Whale Vibes

So, I did my regular daily three card reading the other morning. I used The Aquarian Tarot by David Palladini; Power Animals Oracle Cards by Steven Farmer, Ph.D. and The Universe Has My Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.

I've started using the Aquarian Tarot because, well, I'm an Aquarian, and I love the artwork on the cards. There's an art deco feel to the images which has always been an art style that has interested me.

The three cards I pulled for the reading were respectively Strength, Whale and 'My vibes speak louder than my words.'

As I sat and mulled over how to connect them, my instinct went first to the Whale card. The whale card signifies that I am to follow my soul's path, honoring my soul's purpose. So, I'm taking this as the focal point of the reading, the apex if you will.

Whale suggests that I dive into the deepest truth of who I am, past my ego and pay attention not to what I think others think of me, but to the path that calms my soul. I am reminded to also focus on my sense of self as I align with my path, maintaining the faith and courage to dive deeply into myself.

Strength came up to remind me that I indeed have it even if I might not believe I possess the strength (and therefore the courage) to follow through with my purpose. But, it's there. Somewhere. I will admit, there are times I wonder where it is. Looking at that card, the image/energy/feeling of a samurai warrior comes to me even if the art style, the armor nor the facial features are reminiscent of such a person. Call it reader's intuition.

One of the other associations with the Strength card is patience, which is another form of strength as it takes patience to develop one's physical strength, mental fortitude or to even train a dog, which is depicted in the lower right corner of the card. The dog also suggests that I am not alone on my path as the dog would serve as companion to the warrior and watching his back by often alerting him to dangers the warrior might not sense. Just like the Universe watches mine.

As for the vibes card, I interpret that two ways. First, that if I live my truth, that if I follow my path as I see it, even if it goes against the mainstream, my energy-my vibes-will speak louder than if I try to persuade others to see my way of thinking. I should live by example, if you will.

The second example would be my writing. My novels, which have sat ignored for a while now, have started to demand my attention. I think this is part of my soul's purpose, to write my journey through my characters. Plus, the message of my journey will live louder through these characters and long after I have moved into the next phase of my existence. Maybe that's the point, after all. My legacy.

I am also interpreting the strength card to suggest I have the strength to write my characters as I see them and not be swayed to make them more "mainstream." Because they aren't.

They are aspects of me and I don't consider myself mainstream.

Now, I just have to find the strength, hang on to it and dive deep to get past the ego.

And to start writing.

(Note: I am not an Art Historian, Art Major or very knowledgeable about different art styles. According to Mr. Palladini's bio [link below], he illustrated the Aquarian Tarot deck in an Art Nouveau style. So, I stand corrected, and I learned something. Now to investigate the differences. But, it was definitely the art style [as well as the name] that drew me to his version of the tarot.)

All three decks are available from Amazon and other retailers.

For a brief bio on David Palladini, please click here.