Anagrams

As part of my morning routine, I do a lot of puzzles to help ward off Alzheimer’s, to keep the synapses firing and to continue building more dendrites in my brain. Plus, it helps me wake up and face the day.

I like a variety of them; various word puzzles, Sudoku, Blockdoku (a Sudoku/Tetris mashup), Solitaire-which is technically a game, not a puzzle, but depending on the specific game I do have to strategize. 

I have always enjoyed playing with words, maybe it’s the writer and linguist in me. When I taught sixth grade, I tried to bring in word structure whenever I could by teaching my students that the meanings of various prefixes, roots, suffixes and endings could help them decode and comprehend unfamiliar words. I tried to share my enthusiasm with wordplay but by sixth grade some students are just a bit jaded. I can only hope I planted some little seeds in their fertile little minds.

One particular wordplay I enjoy is anagrams. That’s where the letters of one word can be rearranged to form a different word.

For example, act is an anagram for cat.

One of my favorite anagrams involves the word listen. Its letters can also form the word silent. Go ahead, check. I’ll wait.

Got it?

Good.

I love this point so much, I had a poster of it in my classroom for many years.

As I’ve blogged recently, I grew up in a home where I didn’t feel heard and therefore, valued. My opinions didn’t matter. Therefore, I didn’t matter.

This brings me to the question. What is the difference between hear and listen?

We often use them interchangeably, but they are not. Simply put, one is passive and the other is active.

We often say we listen to music when in truth we are hearing it. But, maybe this is an odd example.

A strange sound occurs and we ask “Did you hear that?” It just happened. Hearing is passive.

Then we pay more attention to try and identify it. We now have an intent. Listening is active. (If we were truly listening to music, we’d be trying to identify the instruments, the lyrics, and maybe some various musical themes. Was that an oboe or a bassoon? Or perhaps we are indeed listening because it’s something familiar we want playing in the background while doing something else, like driving, vacuuming or washing the dishes.)

Right now I can hear the hum of the humidifier in the background. I know the sound because, well, I bought the humidifier a year or so ago. I am not focused on it. It’s there, just running.

I’ve noticed we often hear people without understanding what they are saying. We think we are listening, but I’m not sure we truly are. Often, in a conversation, we catch something that triggers us and we feel the need to interrupt and possibly press our point. Politics and religion are such big triggers for us because we have placed our faith and trust in these institutions or individuals and we rely on them to take care of us, governmentally or spiritually. We feel we are right and others with different beliefs are wrong simply because of our own faith, trust and belief system and therefore we don’t want to believe we have misplaced our trust. Or, those institutions have let us down and we no longer have faith in them and question why anyone would. We need others to see our ways for our own validation. Our ego has spoken and loudly.

I do understand that if we are truly listening to someone they may say something of interest which sparks a question in our mind. So, we become curious and want to ask in order to continue the dialogue to try to understand where the individual is coming from or even learn something new. But, if the original speaker is already defensive and misinterprets the tone of voice then voices can get raised, emotions get aroused and an argument can ensue.

The other thing that can happen when voices get raised is the original speaker just shuts down. No one actually ends up saying anything. No one gets to express their point. Feelings get hurt.

I also see this on social media. People misread or partially read a text or comment, go on the offensive and then get defensive when their point isn’t taken seriously. Often, these conversations devolve into name-calling.

I often find myself struggling with this. I know my journey is my own, as is everyone else's, and mine has taken quite a different turn away from what society considers the "norm."  On this path, I’ve had experiences I can’t explain without using the words “intuitive”, “psychic”, “other worldly” or even “statistically or logically inexplicable” and I can get defensive when others question the validity of my experiences and therefore, don’t validate me. I realize I need to validate myself or seek those who can understand at least part of my journey. I’m also learning sometimes it's best just to keep my mouth shut.

All this reminds me of a line from the song The Sound of Silence, “People hearing without listening” which in turn suggests people are talking without speaking, which is also a line from the song.

We have become so disconnected from each other and ultimately ourselves I often wonder if we can even reconnect.

Perhaps if we were silent more often when we listened and then spoke with more compassion, we could reconnect with others.

And ultimately, with ourselves.

Note: The video below is a cover of the Simon and Garfunkel song, "The Sound of Silence" by the band, Disturbed. I find this cover to be a very powerful rendition of the song. I hope you enjoy. -JB

Words vs. Actions

I’m a very firm believer that actions speak much louder than actual words.

We live with multiple relationships-family, friends, co-workers, neighbors. We also try and find someone to share our lives with, hopefully for a very long time. We can use these relationships to learn about ourselves. And these relationships also tell us how important we are to them. We use phrases like, "I love you", "I appreciate you", "I'll be there for you." And so forth.

We live in an age of instant gratification. We can stream movies and TV programs via our multiple devices at the touch of a button, albeit not live broadcasts (except some news programs). We can read books within seconds of purchasing them for our e-readers. We can find out how close we are to a potential hookup simply by looking at our phone.

We also live in an age of instant communication. Gone are the days of the pony express, carrier pigeons, and sending messages with wandering strangers praying they deliver your message safely in a village far, far away. We now have texting, instant messaging, email, and yes, we still have the old fashioned telephone calls, including voicemail. 

And, yet, with all this wondrous, instantaneous communication, I still end up wondering if my texts, instant messages, emails or the occasional voicemail were safely delivered to a device far, far away.

I called someone a few years back to wish him a happy birthday. This person claimed I was special to him. But this time, I’m guessing he was busy, as the call went to voicemail so I left a message. A week went by with no acknowledgement of my call. Then a month, and finally I accepted the fact he wasn’t going to return my call because he probably got busier and eventually forgot about me. I felt snubbed. I tried to wish him a happy birthday again the following year, because I’m a nice guy. And the same thing happened; the call went to voicemail and I’m still waiting for an acknowledgment. Forgotten again. I have not called back since. Obviously, thanking me for the birthday wishes wasn’t a priority in spite of what he'd said.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

Or, maybe I wasn't the priority.

But, this does seem to be a trend today. A friend was sharing with me that late one night he was texting a guy he’d just started dating and the conversation suddenly ended; no “Good night!”, no explanation, no returned text, just an abrupt ending. One can assume that the date may have simply fallen asleep. Or maybe decided to ghost. It happens.

Besides not having phone calls of birthday wishes returned, this has happened to me as well. I’ve sent emails, texts, and instant messages only not to receive any answer within a reasonable amount of time. 

or text, or email...

But, what constitutes reasonable? I can accept up to 48 hours. After that, I would need an acceptable excuse. I want to be fair, and I do understand things come up, like falling asleep. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch because I know when I’m getting sleepy and out of courtesy, I let the other person know. Doesn’t everyone do that? Apparently not. I also have friends who have families-children, husbands, pets. I know that they come first, and that they can, and often do, interfere with an ongoing conversation. We’ve established the understanding that should they not reply in a reasonable amount of time, that something with their family came up.

What is an acceptable excuse? Death comes to mind. Or being comatose. Because both conditions make it difficult to simply hold a device to compose a text. Kidnapping is even acceptable-provided you are the victim. Death of an immediate family member is also acceptable, to an extent. Severe illness might qualify if hospitalization is necessary; but sick at home with a bad cold or flu, no.

Traveling also doesn't count, in my book. If you can afford a trip, and you are posting pictures while on your trip, you can reply.

Yet, my big overall question is how long does it take to compose a simple text? A few seconds? "I’m sorry, I’ve had a personal emergency. I’ll get back to you just as soon as I can." Why, you can even create a shortcut with a couple of keystrokes to automatically write out the entire text. And between the voice activated artificial intelligences on many devices you don't even need the device in your hand. Simply tell the device who you want to send the message to and what you want to say. This gets simpler by the second. 

A couple of years ago, I was texting with someone very special to me, and our conversations would often stop suddenly. He wouldn’t reply for a couple of days, and then with the excuse “I’m sorry. I fell asleep.” For a couple of days? Are you Rip Van Winkle, Jr? I thought.

"You’ve been asleep for a couple of days?" I’d reply. 

"No, but this is the first chance I’ve had to get back to you."

"Really? You couldn’t have texted while eating breakfast that morning?" Or any meal during those two days for that matter?

"I overslept and didn’t eat that morning."

"You couldn’t have texted while walking to the bathroom? Surely you went to the bathroom in the morning?" Most people do. Or once or twice in the days that followed.

People will find a way to do what is important to them. If it takes them too much time to reply, then your message wasn’t that important. Plus, it also shows a lack of respect because a few seconds’ of time is more important to them than returning that message.

I also believe this to be relative to the importance of the relationship in their life. The more important you are, or the better impression they want to make, the quicker they’ll reply. It also shows their level of responsibility-the more responsible they are, the quicker they will respond. 

There is one caveat. In a beginning dating situation, I understand that replying too quickly can suggest appearing too eager which can be a turnoff. But, taking too long can suggest disinterest as well. That is a fine line to walk for potential daters. But not among friends and family.

I also have a hard time with the excuse "I didn’t get/see the message." Really? Aren’t we are glued to our screens, whether phone or tablet, with all the little notification badges? So, how can you not see the fact you have a new message? Yet, I see the message in my device says 'Delivered' so I know you got it. I see the email in my sent folder, so I know it went out and the mailer demon didn't mark it as 'Undeliverable.' Some programs even leave unread messages in boldface to assist you in seeing messages you haven't read yet.

So, I don’t get it.

About a year ago, I messaged a very dear friend. I could see in my devices that he hadn’t read the message. It sat delivered, yet unread in his inbox for months. Even though it was a simple message-“Hi”-I was reaching out for help. I was in a deep state of despair and depression and nearing the end of my rope. I was considering something drastic. To be fair, he didn’t know that, but the fact that he didn’t even reply, nor read the message, spoke volumes. Fortunately, I was able to pull myself around and I no longer see myself in that state, or capable of anything drastic. But, what if I hadn’t turned myself around? What if that unread, unanswered text/email/instant message was someone reaching out to you for help? How would you feel if you found out you were their last hope?

Yes, I may be being a bit dramatic; I will own that, but I have been on both sides of this question. So, it does happen. I did receive a text from someone wanting to say good bye, permanently. I know I could not live with myself if I hadn’t answered and got help to him in time.

And, I will admit to not replying promptly. I am human. Yes, I get busy and forget. Yet, I also try and own up to it and apologize as quickly as I can. But, if I don't reply, then there must be a reason. Perhaps I got tired of waiting before, and am choosing not to wait any longer. Perhaps I am choosing to respect myself by communicating with those who respect me and my time.

This trend of not returning messages in a reasonable amount of time has taught me that I can only rely on myself. It also echoes a point in an earlier post-have no expectations. I am working on no longer expecting a reply.

And should I find myself wanting to date again, this will be one of the standards by which I determine his potentiality: do his actions match (or supersede) his words?

Finding Friends

Have we came to a place where we need to spy on our partners to sustain our own sense of security? Has technology helped give rise to our increased insecurities and sense of distrust? 

I have seen a few videos where jealous females have hired, or been lured by, people to test their boyfriends’ loyalty-all of which was recorded on hidden camera. In one situation, a young man was in a gym and an attractive female personal trainer (who was in on the stunt) offered to help and after a while it was a bit obvious the boyfriend was aroused by the attention. The girlfriend was livid; after all, she was watching all this on camera. So, he sported an erection. BFD. At least he didn’t return the passes the trainer was making at him, though when she did offer him her phone number-for professional purposes-he did take it. In another video, the boyfriend was waiting on a street corner for his girlfriend to show up when an attractive female-also in on it-stopped and asked for directions to a place a few blocks away. She claimed she was new in the area and asked if he could take her there. He stood his ground and said no, that his girlfriend was due there any minute, and that the pretty girl had better leave before his girlfriend arrives because she has a mean temper. That girlfriend was very pleased. But, using a hidden camera team to test your boyfriend’s loyalty? Seriously? Granted, these were all twentysomethings and trust and security are qualities we need to develop. And that happens over time.

Recently, I had a conversation with two gay male friends which left me a bit overwhelmed and left my friends quite perplexed to put it mildly. I was even startled at the vehemence with which I responded. 

Both my friends had recently suffered losses of relationships-one due to a death, the other to a disastrous breakup. Both had started dating again and one couple had reached a point in their relationship where the new boyfriend suggested they use the “Find Friends” app available on iPhones.  

(This is an app that allows people of any relationship-family, friend, partner, etc.-to connect and then see where each other is through GPS.)

Friend 1 reported his boyfriend had said something like this, “I want you to know where I am. If I say I’m at such-and-such place, I want you to see that that’s where I am. I want you to know you can trust me.” (I'm thinking to myself, “Let’s start with trusting and don’t give a reason not to.”)

The other friend commented he thought that was great that they were having that conversation and that his own therapist had suggested to flee from anyone who refuses to use that app.

Something started stirring in me. It was a deep uncomfortable rumbling, not unlike the first waves building to the major jolt of a massive earthquake. And before I could stop myself, the epicenter ruptured.

“What a massive invasion of privacy!” (I believe a few expletives were also uttered but, honestly, I can’t remember.)

My friends were quick to explain that they didn’t see it like that. They used the app to let their partners know where they were. They wanted transparency.

Friend 2 continued, “I want my partner to be able to see when I am leaving work.”

“Why not just call him and tell him? A voice call is much more endearing and shows more effort in the relationship than simply relying on him to check in on you,” I countered. 

“There’s terrible reception with my carrier where I live.”

“Okay, a text then.”

“This just seems to work for us.”

“Well, I just don’t like it for me,” I said. "What if I decided to make an unscheduled stop at the mall to buy Potential Future Boyfriend a surprise gift? He checks in on me, questions me when I get home and the surprise is spoiled.” I was not comfortable with this idea at all. 

And, I know myself. I’d use the app to find out where Potential Future Boyfriend was and if I discovered he wasn’t where he said he’d be, questions would arise; they’d percolate, ruminate and stew in my mind, and his fidelity would be questioned-especially if he were in a gay place. And even if he were faithful, my self-esteem would be shaky. “He said he was going here, but he went there instead, he wasn’t telling me the truth, therefore I’m not good enough.” And I’m out of there. Or, at least the seeds of doubt have now been sown. Yes, I am a tad insecure. Especially in the beginning.

Plus, I respect myself. I am responsible; I am dependable, trustworthy and loyal. (I sound like either a Boy Scout or a Great Dane!) But, if someone can’t trust me enough to take me at my word then that person doesn’t deserve me. If trust is part of his baggage, I will help him unpack it, but in a more traditional, conventional, less invasive manner.

I understand trust is a huge issue in relationships and maybe more so in the LGBTQ community, but spying is not the way to build it. At least not in my book. And it needs to be built over time. Using this app from the very beginning is like handing someone a ready built escape hatch. One slip up and it’s over. It is tantamount to going through a person’s belongings looking for evidence of infidelity, which we sometimes find when it really isn't there.

And I see too many holes in the plan. The plan works only if the phone is with the person and turned on. I’ve gone off for a quick run to the store, leaving my phone at home. And once or twice I'd accidentally forgotten it when I was running a bit late to work. My phone is at home, but I'm not. Oops. (But, there’s an easy fix for this flaw. Simply implant a tracking device into each potential partner and voila! Problem solved!)

Let’s say your partner works from home. They send you off to work with a kiss, and tell you to have a nice day. They know how long of a day you work. Possibilities for rendezvous are endless.  But, wait, you're at work, and the app says they're at home alone. Or are they? (Here's a fix: install security cameras. Aren't there apps to connect a phone to a camera?)

And then there’s the self-saboteurs. Those who sabotage relationships because they want to end it, but don't have the courage themselves to do so. They leave breadcrumbs for you to follow, like Hansel and Gretel. "Here catch me cheating, so you will break up with me, so I don't have to do it."

I think what bothered me the most was that a licensed therapist was suggesting to base the potential of a  possible relationship on whether or not a particular partner would agree to use a Big Brother type of app. What happened to the idea of building a foundation of trust? “If he won’t use this app, he must have something to hide. Run! Run like the wind!” For me, it would be like starting off a relationship where I'm already considered guilty of a crime which was built on potentially circumstantial evidence that may never even exist and I may never commit. And this from a therapist? This adds an extra level of work to an already difficult relationship. Who needs that extra shit?

To be fair, I do see some value in the app:

1. Parents can keep track of their children, or perhaps of an aging relative who has medical needs;
2. Or, in the case of an emergency, like a real earthquake, tornado or nuclear attack, you can quickly track down family members.

I’ve come to believe that technology has taught us to distrust our own feelings, to avoid open and honest face-to-face communication, and to nearly detach from society at large as more and more people hide behind keyboards. Couples connect, and then break up via technology. My own ex-husband emailed me that he wanted a divorce while we were both in the house at the time. Technology made it easier for him to tell me, rather than talking to me face to face. 

I will concede that some people can handle this app. I obviously can’t. I value my integrity and my moments of privacy far too much.

For me, this app is an invasion of both.

Einstein apparently didn't say this, but the picture says a lot.