The Tower

There are a few cards in the Tarot Deck that are not the most pleasant for the reader and may actually illicit fear in the client upon seeing them in a reading.

• A few from the Swords suit come to mind, and in my opinion, the 3 of Swords is one of the most troublesome.
• In the Major Arcana, Death, the Devil, and the Tower stand out to me.

As a reader, I try to caution anyone I read for not to take those cards seriously as they (the client) do not understand all of the associations with the cards and how they interplay with the other cards in the spread as well as with the position the card occupies in the spread itself and how the card turns up; is it upright or reversed? Sound complicated? Mhm. Yet, I can understand the client’s shock on seeing the cards if they turn up in a reading. After all, depending on the artist, the images can be quite disconcerting; let alone the names Death and Devil.

I recently posted about my life being an example of the Chariot card.

In reality, this could be a Tower moment for me as well.

In the traditional rendering of the Tower card, we see a tower being struck by lightning and two people falling from it; a man and a woman. One of them is dressed rather poorly while the other is well-dressed, even wearing a crown. Another oversized crown is falling from the pinnacle of the tower. Some renditions show waves crashing around the base or foundation of the tower.

How often can we predict or control when lightning might strike? Or the amount of damage it causes? We can’t. The traditional association with this card is a sudden, abrupt change over which you have no control is about to upset things, possibly shaking you to your core or foundation. Not a very pleasant thought.

Some readers associate this card with another famous tower, the Tower of Babel. In the story, man-in his ego-built the tower tall enough to be closer to God, to aspire to be more like Him. God didn’t like this, and struck the tower with a bolt of lightning. Therefore, this card can also be a warning to mind the ego which, coincidentally, is represented by the large crown in the picture.

While the idea of a sudden, abrupt change is never welcome, it can serve a purpose. When things are this shaken up, it can give us the opportunity to rebuild, but even stronger than before, while minding the ego at the same time.  

My divorce was a Tower moment. It came out of the blue, shook me to my very core, yet gave me the opportunity to rebuild myself even stronger. So, all in all, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 

Three of Swords~
Heartbreak

I may be experiencing another Tower moment. Yet this change, while sudden and unexpected, hasn’t shaken me to my core in a negative way or even as deeply as the divorce did. Yet, I feel I am rebuilding myself a bit stronger in this newest Tower moment.

As I stated in the Chariot post, someone near and dear to me has re-entered my life. His return came suddenly, abruptly and quite unexpectedly, just like the lightning. I did feel quite shaken at first as it was a return I had hoped for but didn't anticipate at this time. I always felt our business together was unfinished and our time before might not have been the right time for us. But, is now the right time? Time will tell.

I see myself having changed during our time apart. In the past, when I didn’t hear from him for a while, I felt abandoned as that fear has always been one of my deepest ones stemming from my childhood. Now, I know that fear has nothing to do with me at all. And with him, I know he will get back to me as soon as he is able.

I also want to see things develop on a more gradual, natural basis rather than rushing things like so many people do. There is an old joke playing off a lesbian stereotype. What does a lesbian bring to the second date? The moving van. I’ve heard many lesbians repeat this joke so I feel somewhat safe in relaying it here. We may have rushed things before, which led to the separation and caused some hurt feelings on both sides.

Perhaps our Tower moment was the separation itself which allowed us to strengthen our own personal foundations even more for our time now. Maybe his reappearing in my life isn’t an actual full Tower moment, but a mini-Tower? 

Or better yet, a Six of Cups moment.

Six of Cups

A reunion from the past. 

Words vs. Actions

I’m a very firm believer that actions speak much louder than actual words.

We live with multiple relationships-family, friends, co-workers, neighbors. We also try and find someone to share our lives with, hopefully for a very long time. We can use these relationships to learn about ourselves. And these relationships also tell us how important we are to them. We use phrases like, "I love you", "I appreciate you", "I'll be there for you." And so forth.

We live in an age of instant gratification. We can stream movies and TV programs via our multiple devices at the touch of a button, albeit not live broadcasts (except some news programs). We can read books within seconds of purchasing them for our e-readers. We can find out how close we are to a potential hookup simply by looking at our phone.

We also live in an age of instant communication. Gone are the days of the pony express, carrier pigeons, and sending messages with wandering strangers praying they deliver your message safely in a village far, far away. We now have texting, instant messaging, email, and yes, we still have the old fashioned telephone calls, including voicemail. 

And, yet, with all this wondrous, instantaneous communication, I still end up wondering if my texts, instant messages, emails or the occasional voicemail were safely delivered to a device far, far away.

I called someone a few years back to wish him a happy birthday. This person claimed I was special to him. But this time, I’m guessing he was busy, as the call went to voicemail so I left a message. A week went by with no acknowledgement of my call. Then a month, and finally I accepted the fact he wasn’t going to return my call because he probably got busier and eventually forgot about me. I felt snubbed. I tried to wish him a happy birthday again the following year, because I’m a nice guy. And the same thing happened; the call went to voicemail and I’m still waiting for an acknowledgment. Forgotten again. I have not called back since. Obviously, thanking me for the birthday wishes wasn’t a priority in spite of what he'd said.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

Or, maybe I wasn't the priority.

But, this does seem to be a trend today. A friend was sharing with me that late one night he was texting a guy he’d just started dating and the conversation suddenly ended; no “Good night!”, no explanation, no returned text, just an abrupt ending. One can assume that the date may have simply fallen asleep. Or maybe decided to ghost. It happens.

Besides not having phone calls of birthday wishes returned, this has happened to me as well. I’ve sent emails, texts, and instant messages only not to receive any answer within a reasonable amount of time. 

or text, or email...

But, what constitutes reasonable? I can accept up to 48 hours. After that, I would need an acceptable excuse. I want to be fair, and I do understand things come up, like falling asleep. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch because I know when I’m getting sleepy and out of courtesy, I let the other person know. Doesn’t everyone do that? Apparently not. I also have friends who have families-children, husbands, pets. I know that they come first, and that they can, and often do, interfere with an ongoing conversation. We’ve established the understanding that should they not reply in a reasonable amount of time, that something with their family came up.

What is an acceptable excuse? Death comes to mind. Or being comatose. Because both conditions make it difficult to simply hold a device to compose a text. Kidnapping is even acceptable-provided you are the victim. Death of an immediate family member is also acceptable, to an extent. Severe illness might qualify if hospitalization is necessary; but sick at home with a bad cold or flu, no.

Traveling also doesn't count, in my book. If you can afford a trip, and you are posting pictures while on your trip, you can reply.

Yet, my big overall question is how long does it take to compose a simple text? A few seconds? "I’m sorry, I’ve had a personal emergency. I’ll get back to you just as soon as I can." Why, you can even create a shortcut with a couple of keystrokes to automatically write out the entire text. And between the voice activated artificial intelligences on many devices you don't even need the device in your hand. Simply tell the device who you want to send the message to and what you want to say. This gets simpler by the second. 

A couple of years ago, I was texting with someone very special to me, and our conversations would often stop suddenly. He wouldn’t reply for a couple of days, and then with the excuse “I’m sorry. I fell asleep.” For a couple of days? Are you Rip Van Winkle, Jr? I thought.

"You’ve been asleep for a couple of days?" I’d reply. 

"No, but this is the first chance I’ve had to get back to you."

"Really? You couldn’t have texted while eating breakfast that morning?" Or any meal during those two days for that matter?

"I overslept and didn’t eat that morning."

"You couldn’t have texted while walking to the bathroom? Surely you went to the bathroom in the morning?" Most people do. Or once or twice in the days that followed.

People will find a way to do what is important to them. If it takes them too much time to reply, then your message wasn’t that important. Plus, it also shows a lack of respect because a few seconds’ of time is more important to them than returning that message.

I also believe this to be relative to the importance of the relationship in their life. The more important you are, or the better impression they want to make, the quicker they’ll reply. It also shows their level of responsibility-the more responsible they are, the quicker they will respond. 

There is one caveat. In a beginning dating situation, I understand that replying too quickly can suggest appearing too eager which can be a turnoff. But, taking too long can suggest disinterest as well. That is a fine line to walk for potential daters. But not among friends and family.

I also have a hard time with the excuse "I didn’t get/see the message." Really? Aren’t we are glued to our screens, whether phone or tablet, with all the little notification badges? So, how can you not see the fact you have a new message? Yet, I see the message in my device says 'Delivered' so I know you got it. I see the email in my sent folder, so I know it went out and the mailer demon didn't mark it as 'Undeliverable.' Some programs even leave unread messages in boldface to assist you in seeing messages you haven't read yet.

So, I don’t get it.

About a year ago, I messaged a very dear friend. I could see in my devices that he hadn’t read the message. It sat delivered, yet unread in his inbox for months. Even though it was a simple message-“Hi”-I was reaching out for help. I was in a deep state of despair and depression and nearing the end of my rope. I was considering something drastic. To be fair, he didn’t know that, but the fact that he didn’t even reply, nor read the message, spoke volumes. Fortunately, I was able to pull myself around and I no longer see myself in that state, or capable of anything drastic. But, what if I hadn’t turned myself around? What if that unread, unanswered text/email/instant message was someone reaching out to you for help? How would you feel if you found out you were their last hope?

Yes, I may be being a bit dramatic; I will own that, but I have been on both sides of this question. So, it does happen. I did receive a text from someone wanting to say good bye, permanently. I know I could not live with myself if I hadn’t answered and got help to him in time.

And, I will admit to not replying promptly. I am human. Yes, I get busy and forget. Yet, I also try and own up to it and apologize as quickly as I can. But, if I don't reply, then there must be a reason. Perhaps I got tired of waiting before, and am choosing not to wait any longer. Perhaps I am choosing to respect myself by communicating with those who respect me and my time.

This trend of not returning messages in a reasonable amount of time has taught me that I can only rely on myself. It also echoes a point in an earlier post-have no expectations. I am working on no longer expecting a reply.

And should I find myself wanting to date again, this will be one of the standards by which I determine his potentiality: do his actions match (or supersede) his words?

G*A*Y F*R*I*E*N*D*S

  

This is not about the television show "Friends" which ran from 1994-2004 and what it might be like with a gay twist. This is about life. Though, ironically, many of their episodes' plot lines I now find mirrored in my life, and maybe that should be a new direction for future posts; "My Life as a Sitcom."

A friend shared an article on Facebook and it caught my eye. Friends of a Certain Age (click here) by Alex Williams ran in the NY Times on July 13, 2012. It hit home. In short, it talked about how difficult it is for adults to make friends. As children it's easier. They are trapped in classrooms for six hours a day, and there is recess and lunch, so the children are somewhat forced to find someone to play with. Throughout middle and high school there are still more opportunities to make friends; sports teams, club activities, study partners, etc. And these same activities last through the college years. And many of our adult friendships are formed during this period of life.

Post-college adds a twist; relocation for that wonderful career, or even the career itself can affect friendships. Having relocated many times in my early years, I understand all too well how that can affect friendships and the ability to sustain them. My ex and I were both teachers and often the fatigue of being "on stage" all day in front of the students, trying to keep their attention, and all the grading plus the housework tired us out so we hardly went out. Friendships atrophied.

Following this stage in an adult's life is the family. A spouse enters the mix and then usually children, though not necessarily in that order. But, both can play factors in finding and maintaining adult friendships. But, what if the spouses don't get along, or maybe they get along too well? What if the children meet through school, perhaps, and the adults get along well, but then the children have a falling out. What do the parents do?

Other factors in sustaining adult friendships came up in the article with financial inequity being one of the biggest. It can limit what the friendship is able to do. Vacation together? One friend is talking a fifteen day cruise in the Greek Islands, the other a one day cruise in the Channel Islands. Maybe cruising together is not a good idea.

Add a divorce or death of a spouse into the picture and the newly-single adult finds him/herself starting over. And it becomes more complicated the older one is. As adults we have grown, hopefully, and now look at things differently. In our youth, loyalty was a prime factor in a friendship, "I've got your back and do you have mine?" Later on, it becomes more complex. We learn we no longer tolerate certain personality disorders, egomania, for example. Our definition of a friend has narrowed, we want someone with similar values and interests.

I no longer am in contact with any of my closest college friends for various reasons, family and their children's education among them. Via Facebook, I have reestablished contact with other friends from college with whom I'd spent less time, but enjoyed my time with just as much and am grateful for this renewed contact. And over the years I've moved away from the gay male community, due to the pressures of work, the house, changing interests and the lack of time and money to actually step out and socialize.

The article was very well written, yet as a gay man I was invisible. That was one wrinkle the writer didn't address in his article and as a straight man, he probably wouldn't think of it.  As I am newly single, and looking to make friends, yet with an eye for a possible partner, and I don't mean tennis, how do I go about sorting out the wheat from the chaff?  As I begin stepping out into gay male social circles, I find myself drawn to certain men more than others, though not necessarily the types of men that I am physically attracted to like muscle bears or daddies, and I find myself invariably thinking "Hmmmm, is he Friend? Mr. Friend-With-Possible-Benefits? Mr. Let's-Just-Be-Friends-at-these-Social-Events? or maybe, possibly, could he be Mr. Right?" This adds a whole different gay dimension to the Making-Friends-as-an-Adult conundrum.

Stepping into a social event gives me one advantage, I can get a 'feel,' not cop a feel, for the guy at the first introduction. Plus, I also get to see him interact with others, and if he's been at an event with this group before, I can see how the other members react to him. And then, I have to just trust my instinct. At these events, I meet men I do want to find out more about; more about their life, more about their work, more about their interests and do we have anything in common? And then just let it go from there. And hopefully, it will be mutual.

But, using social networking sites and apps to find gay male platonic friends is a different story, and I've already addressed the literacy problem.  Sometimes, the photos can give me an instinct to the man, sometimes not. It's the actual meeting that can tell me what I want to know; the real first impression. For the most part, the apps are for hooking up, which is not on my agenda right now, and many men, assume that just because I am 'advertising' for friends only on an app designed for hooking up, I truly don't mean what I write. Then I become a challenge, they want to wear me down, which leads us back to the whole adult literacy issue and then the difficult part of getting out of a meeting that isn't going well.

As all of my life seems to be in transformation; this, too, will take care of itself.

In time.

In its own way.