Swords, Reflections and Mulan

The legendary sword, Excalibur, revealed the one true king destined to rule Camelot.

There is a scene in Disney’s animated movie Mulan where she glimpses her reflection in her father’s sword. Earlier in the movie, she begins to question who she truly is and whether she can live up to what is expected of her.

Well, we made it into January, and that means a new month. And yes, a new year, too. But, that also means I need to check in with my card for December and maybe even review the year as a whole. I’m not sure I want to do that last part.

My card for December was the Ace of Swords Reversed. As I’ve said for the last couple of months, Swords is the suit of the mind and that covers whatever goes on upstairs; thoughts, reasoning, clarity, understanding, communication, yada yada yada.

Aces offer an opportunity to seize the energy of the suit and proceed forward. I think of it like this; if I’m at a party and a server walks by with a tray of appetizers or I see a tray of them on a table, it’s up to me to decide if I want to take it or not. The Ace of Swords represents an opportunity for me to seek clarity and understanding or to expand my mind. As this is a reading for me, it could be an opportunity to understand myself a bit better. I mean the energy is there whether I seize it or not. It could even be thrust upon me.

Yet, this card is reversed. I read single cards as energy directed more inward, towards the seeker, in this case-me. So, yes, this month brought me some clarity about myself. As Swords can be, and often are, a bit pointy, some of the truths were a bit difficult to face. Others offered clarity.

Ace of Swords, Bianco Nero Tarot
Marco Proietto (c) 2018, US Games

Through this pandemic, I connected a bit more with my neighbors. I’ve always had a good relationship with the family across from me and a more congenial one with the family next to me to the north side. My neighbors on the south side would wave but we weren’t that communicative and no problems truly arose between us. However, I did have to have some work done on my ficus tree which hangs over the fence into their yard. I alerted them to the date the work would be done and asked if they could leave their gate unlocked so the crew could clean up after they were finished. The woman who answered the door was agreeable to the idea and appreciative of my letting her know. A few weeks later, she approached me and asked to exchange telephone numbers and suggested we could contact each other should there be a need. I’d already done this with the other two families.

Thanksgiving arrived and my neighbors to the north very kindly asked me if I’d like a plate of food. I thanked them and said I’d already eaten. They made the same offer over Christmas Eve and Day, making sure they asked early enough to bring it over. They felt badly I had no one to celebrate with.

My mother expressed concern over my being alone here in Los Angeles facing the worst yet of this pandemic. We are now in the stages where Europe and New York were at the beginning of the pandemic. Patients are being treated in gift shops, hallways, and other locations around the hospitals.

Both my neighbors and my mother made references to me being alone. I don’t feel alone, I feel self-reliant. Does that mean I won’t ask for help if needed? No, I’ll ask. It does mean I can depend on my neighbors. And they on me. I am very appreciative of their concern.

But, what about the public at large? Can I depend on them? Trust them? 

When I was first single, I remember asking a gay friend of mine about dating and protocols regarding safe sex. After all, I’d been off the dating market for nearly 16 years while married. I asked, “What if the guy says he’s HIV negative?” My friend’s answer; “Use condoms anyway.” “So, I should assume he’s not telling me the truth?” He had no reply. That said a lot. That began a serious trust issue I have around dating.

That trust issue has been amplified with this pandemic. We are only as safe as our ‘bubble’ or ‘pod’, as I’ve heard it called. This is the circle of family and friends we associate with. We just don’t know where they’ve been, who else enters their bubble or who they may have come in contact with, therefore increasing the potential of exposing others. Can we take just their word?

A very diligent family here in Los Angeles did come down with the virus. They practiced all the protocols; masking when out, one person did the shopping, hardly left their house, took neighborhood walks, sanitized everything, and washed their hands frequently. Yet, they still contracted the virus. The contact tracing revealed that their teenage son went out for a walk alone, snuck over to his girlfriend’s less-diligent house and apparently brought it home to his own family. 

I find myself having trust issues with others. I don’t know who else is entering others’ bubbles. Not everyone is as diligent as I am. I also don’t understand how people can eat at restaurants, even outdoors. Social distancing is suggested to be six feet apart allowing for a potential cross breeze. Yet, most outdoor tables I’ve seen aren’t six feet across nor six feet apart. Several outdoor dining areas I’ve seen have put up tarps around the sides of their dining area. This has now prevented any chance of a cross-breeze to catch any viral particles. I recall seeing a picture of a restaurant in Amsterdam which erected mini-greenhouses, fitting them with tables and chairs. This allowed for some diners to enjoy their meal “outside” while protected from other diners. The privacy and intimacy of the concept is great, especially since they are by the water. Yet, you’d best hope your companion isn’t a- or pre-symptomatic. 

Yes, I sound paranoid. I admit it. Perhaps this is one of the more painful truths the Ace of Swords revealed to me.

But, what actually is the difference between being diligent and paranoid?

I don’t want to get sick nor potentially infect anyone else. I have hypertension which is an underlying factor possibly making the disease and recovery worse for me. Plus, I don’t want to add to the stress and strain of our broken and beleaguered healthcare system. While putting others (especially, our medical personnel) first, I am also managing my health.

Another painful realization that came home is that I have become so accustomed to my solitude (even my pre-pandemic solitude) that the very idea of being around someone for more than a few hours begins to trigger my anxiety. This will complicate any potential relationship.

I have also discovered I am someone who has a hard time with people who don’t see or believe what I do. I covered this point in a previous post. I see things for the greater good of all and so should everyone else. After all, we are all on this planet together.

As Mulan saw herself in her father’s sword, the Ace of Swords Reversed allowed me a glimpse into myself. I am someone who:

• Has a good heart;

• Has trust issues around dating;

• Has trust issues around people who don’t see things for the greater good of all;

• Has difficulty expressing his opinions and accepting others’ differing ones;

• Has difficulty letting his independence down enough to possibly let someone in.

In her song “Reflections”, Mulan wonders when her reflection-which she first sees in a trough of water and later in some shiny gravestones before seeing it in the sword-will reflect who she is deep inside.

As I’ve been exploring a more spiritual path and discovering some intuitive abilities/gifts, I am also wondering when will my reflection show me who I am deep inside so I can learn to trust and better accept that aspect of myself? And eventually, myself as a whole?

I may not fully identify with her song; I mean, I’m not trying to be the perfect bride nor daughter, but the essence of the song resonates very deeply with me.

What part in this world am I meant to play? I may not play the role my family expected; I’m sure they didn’t anticipate my coming out as gay, nor developing a stronger sense of intuition, let alone reading tarot cards. If I were truly to be myself, I may not break their hearts, but will they understand? And why am I coming into this aspect of my life at my age?

One last thing about the suit of Swords. As they represent mental activity, they can also suggest overthinking. Since the last three cards of this year’s reading were all Swords, I plead guilty.

Let’s hope my reading for 2021 is better and the year is better, too.

I’ve already pulled the cards for next year. It feels good...Stay tuned.

Resolutions and Reflections

As I sit here in the early morning hours of December 31, at 4:30 a.m. to be exact, wondering why, once again, I cannot sleep as I've been awake since 2:30ish, I find myself looking back on this year.

And in contemplation of the next one.

Which brings up the traditional idea of New Year's Resolutions.

Surprise! I don't make any.

I stopped making them when I realized I never kept them. Not keeping them eroded my self-esteem, because I berated myself for failing. So, one year I resolved never to make any again. Does that mean I don't seek to improve myself in the coming year? No. I will make an effort to continue to improve myself, to walk down a healthier path, be it better eating, better attempts at exercise, etc. All I attempt to do is to be better. Which I think is easier than resolving to eliminate a bad habit.

2018 was the first full calendar year since my retirement. It's been interesting. I wanted to read more, I didn't. I wanted to write more, I sort of did. I wanted to exercise more, I didn't. I wanted to decompress from thirty-four-and-a-half years of teaching, I think I'm there. And maybe that was what I needed 2018 to be.

But, now it might be time to find a direction, something to do, to occupy my time, as well as my mind, as well as add to my wallet.

I am also reflecting back on 2018 as it has been an interesting year, both personally and politically. I'm not here to discuss the latter only the former.

This was the year I contemplated a roommate and had one actually which turned into a disaster. But, that was more based on the individual than the situation. No, not all roommates would be that difficult. But, I learned how challenging it would be to live with someone after eight years alone.

This was the year I began purging my house of anything I no longer needed, used or had seen within a year. So, I'm learning to downsize. 

This was the year I discovered the Tarot. I've discovered my readings are somewhat accurate which has been something new to wrap my head around. I'm trying not to be overly-analytical and wonder why they are so accurate, but simply accepting that they are. Letting go of this analytical stuff is hard for an Aquarian with a heavy dose of Libra in his astrological chart. Both signs are a bit guilty of overthinking and having the double dose is like being stuck in a mental maze with only a narrow escape route. So, I am learning I can stop overthinking.

This was the year I opened up to my intuition. Where this path will take me, who knows? I'll just be open to what it may bring. What else can I do? Maybe the cards will say. So, I am learning to trust myself.

This was the year I found more of my spiritual tribe. I've found people who understand where I am coming from and can sympathize, or even empathize, with me. These are people who encourage me along this path as they are walking some part of it, too. So, I am learning to socialize.

This was the year I reconnected with someone who has and will continue to play an important part in my life, but to what end, I can only speculate. I will confess, I've looked into the cards regarding this relationship, and they indicate it's promising, but that time will be a factor. Meaning, this will need some time to fully bloom due to where both of us are coming from. So, I am learning to trust someone else and open my heart, bit by bit.

As I look into the beginnings of 2019, which numerologically, is a Universal Year of 3. (To find the Universal Year, we add the digits to one single digit; 2+0+1+9=12, 1+2=3.) Three is the number of the trinity, of creation and therefore creativity. With creativity comes communication, as artists use their creativity to communicate their truths. This is a year for all of us to communicate our truth, once we find it.

As I look into a new year where I resolve to not make resolutions, I recall this t-shirt I bought a while ago. I think this sums up what I want to practice in 2019 and beyond:

Oh, yes, and I want to read more, write more and photograph more.