Cups, Knights and Reversals

Knight of Cups,
New Palladini Tarot

My card for August in my New Year’s Reading was the Knight of Cups Reversed. Knights represent the second youngest members in the court of each suit. This puts them at the age roughly that of an adult in their mid-twenties to early thirties, though some readers feel it may extend a bit in either direction. Regardless, I view them as those young adults who have finished their lessons and think they know everything but lack the life experience to justify their actions, meaning they can either lack self-confidence or be very full of themselves, perhaps a bit idealistic. 

The Court Cards can also be a bit problematic in a reading as they can represent real people involved in the situation, aspects of the person seeking guidance, or energies of that card as they apply to an event. Reversing them can bring out their shadow side, the darker side of their personality.

Cups is the suit of the Heart and many readers also connect intuition to the suit as well. How many times have we said “I have a funny feeling about this” or “I had a sense I’d run into you today?” That is our intuition speaking to us.

So, we have a young adult fully aware, or so he thinks, of his emotions and/or intuition. He can be quite romantic or a bit distant while still figuring things out. Reverse him and he can go to either extreme, but a bit more to the extreme. He can be outright cold or rather aggressive.

While the figure on the card is represented as male, it could represent a female in real life. 

Well, my first impression when I first saw him in the spread was that this would be an emotional month, perhaps involving some relationship. He is the most romantic of the knights, after all.

And it was. An emotional month, but it had nothing to do with a relationship, except maybe the one I have with myself.

I am now at that point in my retirement where I need a direction. It’s been two full school years since I retired, and I DO NOT regret it. Saving my sanity was the wisest decision I made. Now, I need to do something with it.

People have suggested I substitute for local schools. I am not interested in returning to that arena. I retired because I felt my life was heading in a new direction spiritually. And unfortunately, public education was heading downhill as much as the teachers were (and still are!) trying to save it. 

I’ve considered working part-time in retail, but being an introvert and slightly empathic I become very uneasy and exhausted around large groups of people. Even quick runs to the store can be draining. And it seems when I decide to apply for a job, something comes up that suggests I wait.

Emotionally, this last month left me feeling a bit floundering, seeking a direction yet my introversion keeps me from seeking new outlets to socialize, which in turn has left me feeling frustrated with little to do (How often can I clean the house or weed the flower beds?). I work on my writing, but can type only for so long before my hands get tired due to arthritis. Plus, remaining sedentary isn’t healthy and the current heat wave is keeping me inside.

As I mentioned, Cups is also the suit of intuition. As I’ve been walking this path and opening up spiritually, I’ve been noticing my intuition has been growing stronger. I’m often in awe of what I’m experiencing and often doubt myself. Yet, the coincidences that I experience occur in such numbers that it would be hard to explain them rationally as sheer coincidences. I sometimes feel like the Knight of Cups himself as I experience and grow with this new ability; young (in the ability), somewhat unsure of myself, feeling intimidated yet awestruck at the same time.

And now that I'm aware of it, what do I do with it?

So, perhaps that was the Knight’s message; just an emotionally turbulent month all around. 

September should be real fun, the Two of Swords; blinded by conflicting thoughts and ideas. Oh, joy.

Two of Swords,
New Palladini Tarot

The Swords of February

New Palladini Tarot

When I did my reading for the New Year, I drew the Eight of Swords Reversed for February. Now that it's March, it's time to check in, albeit it a bit late.

When we look at the Eight of Swords upright, we see a figure wearing a blindfold with her arms bound to her sides. She is almost completely surrounded by eight swords. The blindfold obviously suggests she can't see and the bindings on her arms suggest restrictions and a lack of balance as we need our arms as a counterbalance when we walk. The swords around her suggest she is trying to move forward, yet blinded and somewhat out of balance. A tricky path indeed. How will she see what's in front of her? How will she catch herself should she stumble? Is it any wonder why so many readers see this card as a message of being stuck or restricted?

Swords is the suit of the mind; thoughts, truth, communication, and ideas are all associated with this suit. Therefore, this figure is stuck by her own thinking, ideas or perceptions. 

A reversed card in a reading could suggest the opposite of the card's basic meaning. Therefore, this card reversed could suggest a letting go of the restrictions, a freeing of the self, if you will. Or more simply put, getting unstuck. 

Radiant Rider-Waite-Smith
Tarot

As I contemplated the card at the beginning of the month and where I was then, I had a feeling the ideas, or thoughts, that were restricting me had to do with my spiritual growth and self-acceptance.

I may be mistaken. Or, maybe I just underestimated what the card may have suggested.

I have been feeling high anxiety of late. I've tried to focus on what is triggering me and what I can do to overcome it. I think I'm beginning to remove the blindfold.

I reconnected with someone very dear to me and I do believe we have a destiny together. We just hit our six month mark since reconnecting after a two and a half year separation. We have grown tremendously, both during the separation and since reconnecting. We have also grown individually and together.

And that is where some of the anxiety is coming from. This is becoming real. I've lived alone for almost nine years since the divorce with the exception of the disastrous short term roommate experiment. Should he and I take this relationship to that level, (I'm already overthinking, I admit it. It's those damn swords.) I'd have to make a few adjustments. But, I'm getting ahead of myself, way ahead of myself. Overthinking is part of my Aquarian/Libra nature. Or is it my charm? I forget. At least I now know what I need to work on to continue getting myself un-stuck. But, overcoming overthinking is not an easy task. 

But, I have also noticed I've let go of a lot. I have a deep seated fear of abandonment from my childhood and the constant moving we did. I'm learning to let go of that fear as we continue on our journey. I've also let go of expectations; of him, of me and of the relationship in general. After all, expectations are nothing but a planned disappointment.

While I first thought I knew the card referred to letting go of the restrictions or judgements I felt around accepting my spiritual gifts, which is still an underlying factor, now I feel this card seems to have also referenced some emotional baggage I've been carrying. I do feel some anxiety over getting closer with this man, which is only natural in any case. Since I've now identified where some of the anxiety is coming from, I can start removing the bindings to move forward more freely, even if I take baby steps. And since anxiety begins in the mind, the swords are very apropos here. All eight of them.

Does this mean I misinterpreted the card? Not really. I did have one idea of what the card was telling me, albeit superficially. I was already aware that I was unsure of this new spiritual direction and where it might take me and perhaps not trusting it, or myself, enough. Often, there are deeper, less superficial triggers to our anxieties, or any situation, and the Tarot can simply bring them to the surface for us to see. And therefore heal.

Or perhaps the message of the card was simply about my increasing awareness that my own thoughts, insecurities and deeper fears, whatever they may be-superficial or subterranean, are what holds me back; the more I become aware of them, the more I can remove the blindfold and bindings. And take baby steps forward. Which is still progress.

On to March and the Hanged Man. 

Resolutions and Reflections

As I sit here in the early morning hours of December 31, at 4:30 a.m. to be exact, wondering why, once again, I cannot sleep as I've been awake since 2:30ish, I find myself looking back on this year.

And in contemplation of the next one.

Which brings up the traditional idea of New Year's Resolutions.

Surprise! I don't make any.

I stopped making them when I realized I never kept them. Not keeping them eroded my self-esteem, because I berated myself for failing. So, one year I resolved never to make any again. Does that mean I don't seek to improve myself in the coming year? No. I will make an effort to continue to improve myself, to walk down a healthier path, be it better eating, better attempts at exercise, etc. All I attempt to do is to be better. Which I think is easier than resolving to eliminate a bad habit.

2018 was the first full calendar year since my retirement. It's been interesting. I wanted to read more, I didn't. I wanted to write more, I sort of did. I wanted to exercise more, I didn't. I wanted to decompress from thirty-four-and-a-half years of teaching, I think I'm there. And maybe that was what I needed 2018 to be.

But, now it might be time to find a direction, something to do, to occupy my time, as well as my mind, as well as add to my wallet.

I am also reflecting back on 2018 as it has been an interesting year, both personally and politically. I'm not here to discuss the latter only the former.

This was the year I contemplated a roommate and had one actually which turned into a disaster. But, that was more based on the individual than the situation. No, not all roommates would be that difficult. But, I learned how challenging it would be to live with someone after eight years alone.

This was the year I began purging my house of anything I no longer needed, used or had seen within a year. So, I'm learning to downsize. 

This was the year I discovered the Tarot. I've discovered my readings are somewhat accurate which has been something new to wrap my head around. I'm trying not to be overly-analytical and wonder why they are so accurate, but simply accepting that they are. Letting go of this analytical stuff is hard for an Aquarian with a heavy dose of Libra in his astrological chart. Both signs are a bit guilty of overthinking and having the double dose is like being stuck in a mental maze with only a narrow escape route. So, I am learning I can stop overthinking.

This was the year I opened up to my intuition. Where this path will take me, who knows? I'll just be open to what it may bring. What else can I do? Maybe the cards will say. So, I am learning to trust myself.

This was the year I found more of my spiritual tribe. I've found people who understand where I am coming from and can sympathize, or even empathize, with me. These are people who encourage me along this path as they are walking some part of it, too. So, I am learning to socialize.

This was the year I reconnected with someone who has and will continue to play an important part in my life, but to what end, I can only speculate. I will confess, I've looked into the cards regarding this relationship, and they indicate it's promising, but that time will be a factor. Meaning, this will need some time to fully bloom due to where both of us are coming from. So, I am learning to trust someone else and open my heart, bit by bit.

As I look into the beginnings of 2019, which numerologically, is a Universal Year of 3. (To find the Universal Year, we add the digits to one single digit; 2+0+1+9=12, 1+2=3.) Three is the number of the trinity, of creation and therefore creativity. With creativity comes communication, as artists use their creativity to communicate their truths. This is a year for all of us to communicate our truth, once we find it.

As I look into a new year where I resolve to not make resolutions, I recall this t-shirt I bought a while ago. I think this sums up what I want to practice in 2019 and beyond:

Oh, yes, and I want to read more, write more and photograph more. 

Synchronicities 10

I haven't written about synchronicities in a while, so I thought I would especially after a couple of really interesting ones happened one right after another. Well, isn't that part of synchronicity? The timing?

I’ve been on uneasy terms with the Universe lately. Or on uneasy terms with myself. Or with my path/journey/purpose. And I don’t know why.

Perhaps it’s because I’m getting used to a new side of me and wondering if the Universe is actually guiding me in that direction as it’s a bit different. And a bit scary. And a bit woo woo!

I’ve been exploring it, but still a bit tentatively. And the Universe has been patient with me, for which I'm grateful.

But, I think the Universe is beginning to lose patience.

A few things have happened recently that amount to a clarion call of “wake the fuck up, stupid!”

I was recently shopping on Amazon and a book title in the “Recommended for you” section of my homepage caught my eye: The Reluctant Tarot Reader: Adventures in the Gypsy Trade, by Raven Mardirosian. I was intrigued; there’s another reluctant tarot reader out there? So, I read the synopsis:

She's a gay girl in a Christian world, becoming the healer she was meant to be. 
But what do you do with a gift that you really don't want?
Raven Mardirosian dreamed of being a missionary. A vet. An English teacher. Becoming a professional Tarot reader never crossed her mind. So, how did she go from staunch, born-again Christian and promising academic . . . to life in the woo world?

And there was more, but other than the girl part and dreaming of being a vet, it all resonated very strongly with me. So, I downloaded it. And by the first 40 pages I was hooked. 

Where she had a tarot deck quietly pressed into her hand, I stumbled onto a couple of YouTube videos of some readings that resonated with me and I figured I had nothing to lose but the cost of a deck and a book or two and a little time to study.

Plus, Raven and I both come from an evangelical background and a good little Christian wouldn’t dare touch these wicked, wicked cards, let alone come out as LGBTQ. But, if I had already made peace with my Christianity and being gay, I could certainly get past the evangelical ghosts warning me of these little pieces of paper with pretty pictures.

As I read her book, Ms. Mardirosian revealed more of our commonalities. She would often refer to a second deck of cards similar to the Power Animals Oracle deck I use, so she was also aware of Shamanic messages as well. This was getting intriguing. She often referred to herself as a healer; one of the Power Animal cards I draw frequently is Snake. Isn’t a snake or two entwined on the medical staff? Snake is also one of my Spirit Guides. So, maybe I’m to be a healer, too?

The last few sections of the book kept repeating one particular theme: Tell your Story. Tell your Story. Tell your Story.

Maybe that’s how I am to help heal the world, by writing. Both here and my stories. 

Okay, Universe I get this message. But what else were you trying to tell me last week?

I had three separate conversations within three days, regarding my spiritual journey. More precisely, certain aspects of my journey.

The first one happened with a complete stranger. (Is there such a thing as an incomplete stranger?… sorry, random thought.) 

An insurance salesman came to review some supplemental policies I have. Upon entering my home, he immediately commented on the color. My living room is red and purple with espresso accents. He loved how calming it was. I commented on the fact red isn’t necessarily a calming color. He said, “No, but the tone you picked is very calming and it's just an accent wall.” Okay, I didn’t suspect anything when he first came in, but now he was commenting on the tone of the accent wall color? Hmmm, I began to suspect something…might he be one of the family? He then commented, “Oh I love your Buddha statue!” 

"Thanks, I sit there and meditate every morning.”

“I didn’t get to meditate this morning and I feel off.”

Say what? Here's an attractive man in my living room talking about meditating? And the tone of my accent wall color?

He went on, “I like to meditate on how I can be a better me in this relationship, focusing on improving myself.” Okay, not ‘wife’, not ‘girlfriend’ but ‘relationship’? I’m picking up on things here. This might be interesting. Did I mention he was handsome? And closer to my age. We were discussing the minor changes in my policies when we were distracted by the flock of birds feeding outside on my patio table. I showed him a video of the crazy jay bird that likes to knock on my sliding door. 

“Do you ever look up what that might mean?” He asked.

“You mean as a spiritual message?”

“Yes, exactly.” My jaw metaphorically hit the floor. He then shared an encounter he had with a roadrunner in the hills above his home. The roadrunner just stood by and watched him walk by with his dog. Didn’t move, run or hide. The bird just stood there, obviously not frightened. He then showed me a picture of his dog, in the car with his wife. Okay, now I know.

From there we moved onto our individual spiritual journeys. He’s barely starting out, taking baby steps, I seem to be a tad further along. I shared a story where I had 'sensed' something about another friend, which her husband had dreamt about two nights before affirming what I had sensed.

“Oh, you’re an intuitive, then? Like my wife.”

So, I’m sitting in my dining room having a spiritual discussion with an insurance salesman just feeling overwhelmed with it all. Why was it happening? What was the Universe up to? Enquiring minds want to know. Or, at least mine does.

Two days later, I make the 35 mile drive to my optometrist for my annual checkup. I’ve been going to this practice for so long, it seems more like a family reunion than a medical visit. Plus, the doctor is a bit of eye candy. Alas, he is married with two daughters. Over the years he would ask a bit of advice on navigating the school district which I was only too happy to provide. 

So, he asked me how life and retirement were treating me. I answered I’m searching for a direction. He inquired about my writing. I responded that I think I’m hitting some deep cathartic levels I’m not sure I’m ready to face. “You’ll know when you are,” he replied. “Take that leap of faith!"

“I’m also discovering newer sides to me,” I told him. And I shared the same story of my friend, what I sensed and her husband’s dream and that I was getting used to this new aspect of who I am and concerned how others might react. 

“Why do you care?” he asked.

Touché.

And somewhere in all this conversation he dropped the word ‘healer’ which brought me back to my Snake spirit guide.

Once the exam was over, I went to see the contact lens technician who is actually responsible for my coming to this practice. Decades ago, she and I had worked together in a now-defunct department store. I had casually asked her if she knew of an optometrist as I needed to renew my drivers’ license and check my vision. She referred me to her father's practice and he has since retired. So, she and I spend some time catching up every visit. And catch up we do; all of our divorces-hers, mine, her parents’; the births and subsequent growth of her nephew and niece; visits with her mother-who had been the contact lens technician in the beginning; her father’s subsequent remarriage; my career and retirement, my writings. See, it is like a family reunion.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened but the theme of the day continued. We seemed to suddenly be sharing about the numbers we see, their meanings and she launched into her own stories of intuition/premonition/whatever-you-want-to-call-it.

I’m still digesting it all somewhat. Within the space of about four days, I kept getting messages to "tell my story”, “have faith”, “be a healer”, plus meeting people who aren’t turned off by intuitives.

The timing of it all is still overwhelming.

Perhaps the strangest or strongest message came today.

I recently found an old gift card to Barnes and Noble. I found some books online about opening up to gifts of Spirit. The subtotal before tax and shipping was $22.22! 

According to multiple sources, 2222 is a reminder to maintain a positive attitude and a firm belief in oneself. In other words, have faith that all will work out for the best. Touché.

I guess I now know what the Universe was telling me.

And for the record, my living room is actually cranberry and mauve. With espresso accents.

A Solitary Life?

Spiritual journeys are often very lonely. 

I like the word ‘solitary' better. 

‘Lonely’ carries some emotional weight, whereas I don’t feel that with 'solitary.’

In a recent chat with a friend regarding relationships, I asked him if he’d met or knew any other gay men who he felt were as spiritual as I. Sadly, he shook his head. I asked, “Then why should I pursue a potential relationship with a probable someone who possibly might not even exist?”

He shrugged.

Where I see things as orchestrated by the Universe, operating on the Universe's timetable and not mine, the majority of the people I know see things differently. As an example, if that elusive relationship really does exist, I believe it will happen at the right moment, rather than by my going on this elusive hunt from bars to clubs to apps to organizations to grocery stores to wherever hoping to meet that certain someone over a margarita, a screen profile or a vegetable bin. This makes it hard to share certain parts of my life because of these different perspectives which can often lead to misunderstandings and even hurt feelings.

Especially when that human/ego/mortal side of me slips up and tries to assert his needs and wants leading me into doubts and confusion.

And I share those moments with my friends. 

These dear friends reply as they see the situation through their ‘human’ eyes or from their ‘human’ perspective and not as a part of a spiritual journey and when that differing interpretation arises, it hurts, reminding me I am alone on this journey, at least among my circle of friends. And due to a texting misunderstanding earlier this week, I was painfully reminded of this, even as the misunderstanding has now been cleared up.

Yet, is this solitary life a result of my journey? Or could it be something bigger?

As I have dived deeper into my studies of the Tarot, I’ve found some interesting applications other than the standard readings. 

With astrology, there are many ways of looking at natal charts other than simple personality traits based on the Sun sign. One way of looking at the Tarot, according to Mary K. Greer, author of Who Are You in the Tarot?, is to determine your Soul and Personality cards using your birthdate.

My Soul card calculated to be the Hermit. Seems fitting. 

In a reading, the Hermit suggests spending time alone for deep introspection, searching for inner understanding, and needing or offering guidance. As a Soul card, the Hermit would suggest the same, yet this isolation also carries an inner strength that comes from facing the unknown alone. The Hermit teaches best by example and by living what he believes in, though he can have a tendency to hold others to the same standard. At the same time, the Hermit learns best by observing what others do rather than what they say and pays special attention to the actions of his role models.

On one hand, the Hermit appears to be logical and fact oriented, but on the other, is open to abilities that seem contradictory to logic and factual evidence. Yet, all of the above plays into the Hermit’s quest for inner understanding.

The Hermit’s solitude can have drawbacks, as it can lead to becoming overcautious, not taking risks and needing to know the outcome prior to taking that first step. (Note to self: this is something to work on.)

My Personality card turned out to be the Moon. 

The Moon can suggest a fear, or an illusion in the situation being read. The Moon also has a shadow side, that dark side we never see; therefore, in the reading it can also suggest there is something being hidden or kept from the questioner. As a Personality card, the Moon suggests strong intuition and working with the unconscious, being fascinated by the unseen and unknown-the "hidden." This unseen and unknown is the inner sense that the Hermit must learn to trust. And like the phases of the Moon, there are cycles of opening up and trusting, then fears of being deceived by his own experiences. 

The Moon has always been connected to magic and mystery, as many indigenous cultures and earth based religions follow the cycle of the moon for performing rituals and ceremonies. Its shadow side suggests a deep, hidden side of a person, a side rarely shown to others. The Moon also relates to the use of intuitional experiences vs. rational ones, i.e., “gut” instinct over “head” logic.

Seems accurate so far. Almost too accurate, and therefore somewhat unsettling, though intriguing at the same time. 

Is this part of my journey, and therefore my life, a mere coincidence, or has it been in the cards since my birth?

Inquiring minds want to know...

                                                   or, maybe I should just trust my instincts...

                                                                                                                       and journey onward...

letting the cards fall where they may...

The Gift

Gifts come in all types. Some are tangible, some are emotional, some intellectual. 

Some are large, some are small.
 

I believe the best gifts are Spiritual.

I also believe people enter our lives for a reason at the time they are supposed to.

I have rarely written about my first partner, Rick, who died in 1994. And now I feel empowered to do so. It's time. 

We met in 1986 and soon began dating. It escalated all too soon into a full-fledged relationship and after about a year of dating, we moved in together. 

I was happy, I had my first long term boyfriend! I was living with a man who loved me, and we'd be together forever! We experienced the typical ups and downs of a relationship; good and bad moments; discussions, fights and make ups! I was happy, or so I thought. 

Beneath it all, something was amiss. Yet, I couldn't put my finger on it. Through time and therapy, I eventually discovered what was amiss which I have explored in prior posts.

We continued on until a health scare forced him to confront something that had never crossed our minds. He might be HIV positive. 

This was in 1992, towards the beginning of the AIDS pandemic when many gay men didn't want to confront a possible death sentence as very little was known about the disease at that time. Plus, I believe Rick was in denial about it all.

As frightened as he was to be forced to get tested, he faced it bravely; no, we faced it bravely together. He went in for the test a few days before we left for a vacation to Walt Disney World, during which he called his doctor back in California and got the results. He tested positive.

Without fully realizing, or accepting it, I had already left the relationship emotionally; now I knew I could never leave it physically. I had to stay. I was; no, I am not the type of man to leave a dying partner. Even after he told me to go, to live my life, I still could not leave him. What would my friends think of me? What would I think of myself?

His health deteriorated rapidly after January 1994. He tried to manage what he could on his own, as he refused to apply for services from any of the AIDS organizations at the time. By the end of July, it was inevitable. It would not be long. He was dying. 

He asked me to promise him not to let him die in the hospital. Of course, I agreed.

I failed to keep that promise.

I carried that guilt for a number of years. Sure, I was eventually able to rationalize I'd done everything I could. I'd told the doctor of his request as soon as I knew he was close to death. When she finally came to release him, he would not have survived the trip home let alone to the elevator. It was her fault, she was late. I could forgive myself for letting him die like that. 

But, did he forgive me?

And that, I needed to know.

In time, I put it out of my mind. I went on with life, met a new man and eventually married and divorced him. 

As I dealt with the pain of the divorce, the pain around Rick's death resurfaced, the nagging wondering of whether he forgave me. 

But how could I find out?

I took the most logical step.

I consulted a medium.

I discovered the blog of a man I follow on a social media platform where he came out as a medium and was looking to practice reading people to further develop his gift and confidence. I thought if he is just learning about his gift he might not be very accurate, but what would I have to lose but the time invested in the session. I contacted him and explained my situation that I had a couple of questions for my prior partner. I nervously awaited the answer which came the next afternoon, "I'd LOVE to help you, but please tell me no more!" 

We met at the chosen restaurant on a Friday shortly after noon, and I immediately felt comfortable with him. Perhaps it was my eagerness to finally have the answers I had been searching for that had me at ease. Perhaps it was the fact he said he had so many questions for me that buoyed my confidence in his gift. Perhaps it was the gentle banter over lunch that also relaxed me. Perhaps it was even something greater than both of us.

And the fact he was so easy on the eyes certainly didn't hurt.

Maybe this was all meant to be.

For me.

At this time.

When we'd finished eating, he said, "Before we begin the reading, you told me you had a question for your ex; your answer is 'Yes'. Now, what was your question?" 

I explained the promise I'd made to Rick and the guilt I'd carried about letting him die in the hospital. Did Rick forgive me? Apparently, he did.

The Medium went on to say he'd had a few images flash through his mind that morning as he prepared to meet me and even a few more as he entered the parking lot of the restaurant. He began to write them down. The very first image the Medium shared with me convinced me he had the gift. Rick was with us. 

It was a daisy. A reference to my favorite Disney character. Throughout my relationship with Rick, I collected almost anything I could find with Daisy Duck on it. The fact that this was the first message from Rick told me he wanted to be there for me. 

The Medium went on to share more images, most of which I could connect back to Rick; gray- the color of his car; Michael- the name of a man I'd met just before I met Rick who later turned out to be Rick's ex and close friend and coincidentally, Rick died on Michael's birthday; 23- the age Rick was when we met; 14- the date of both Rick's birthday and our anniversary, May and August respectively. As I was meeting the Medium for the first time, how could he have known any of this? There is only one person left in my life who knew of my passion for Daisy Duck. 

Before we ended the session, there were a few messages from Rick; he's very happy I'm out of the relationship I was just in, he is very grateful I didn't leave him in spite of how unhappy I'd been, and I'd meet the love of my life very soon. And I deserve this man who will be coming to me. I left the reading very happy, elated over the fact Rick forgave me for not fulfilling my promise, and acknowledging me for staying by his side to the end.

The next morning, Saturday, as I sat at my dining table over my morning tea and yogurt, I began reflecting on what Rick had said. And then it happened. I broke down. I could not stop the tears from coming. And they came, bursting forth from so deep within I never knew they were there. I cried all morning. I tried to hold myself together while driving down the 101 Freeway to a counseling appointment, but totally lost it when I heard the song, "I Hope You Find It" by Cher, which I recently highlighted in a blog about letting go and moving on. The first time I cried to that song, I realized I was moving on from the two men who had most recently broken my heart and I sincerely hoped they find their happiness. This time, I took it as a message for me.

And later, I realized why I had been crying, as I had cried on and off all weekend. I was finally able to release all the long carried grief and guilt still buried some twenty years later. I was also finally able to accept that, in spite of how different we were, Rick loved me more than I knew and more than he knew how to show me while he was alive. And he still loves me even now. 

And he always will.

And for that, I will always be grateful to the Medium for the gift he gave me.