December and the Year in Review

The Oxford Dictionary defines a hermit as:

The Hermit
Rider Waite Smith Tarot

1. A person living in solitude as a religious discipline.
2. Any person living in solitude or seeking to do so.

The Hermit was my tarot card for December. However, he was reversed. As I’ve blogged before, reversals can suggest the opposite meaning of the card when upright. In the Tarot, the Hermit can suggest a need for a period of isolation, mostly for reasons of introspection. It might also suggest a need or desire to disconnect from society and/or social media. Reversed, it could suggest the opposite, it’s time to do less introspection, be less isolated, step out a bit more.

Or,  perhaps the introspection isn’t deep enough due to some blockage.

The Hermit
New Palladini Tarot

The Hermit carries a lantern with him which serves two purposes. The obvious one is to light his path as he continues his journey. The other purpose is to light the way for others to seek him.

Often in literature, a hermit is pictured as someone who lives in solitude usually up on a mountain away from society, because he, or she, realizes they no longer “fit in” or they see that the ways of society don’t mesh with their own views. Yet, many people climb the mountain to seek answers from the Hermit.

Perhaps, that’s the message for me here. While the spiritual views I hold often clash with those of society and even more so with the general lgbtq population, perhaps it’s time to just come down off the mountain and be who I am and let those who need or want to see my lantern, seek me out.

I think that’s it.

Standing up for one’s beliefs is hard, especially when they diverge from the mainstream. But, someone once told me if you don’t feel like you fit in, maybe that’s the point.

I don't fit in and that's okay. Now, I need to work on letting it be okay.

As 2019 has come to a close, it’s also time to reflect on the overall card for my year. Well, actually there are two cards for my previous year; the Page of Rods, which came up in my New Year's reading, and the Major Arcana card corresponding to my year number.

Page of Wands
New Palladini Tarot

The Page of Rods shows a young man looking off into the distance. He’s young, eager and filled with a zest for life. He is young enough to accept he still has a lot to learn but is eager to set out on his life path. He’s creative, energetic and sees the world in front of him as a wondrous place to explore. This was a year to explore and take those creative steps forward. I feel I have explored more of myself and a possible path forward. I may not have stepped out as much as I could have as suggested by the Hermit reversed, but I did join a couple of other groups, I just haven't channeled my inner Page of Rods and actually attended them. Yet. 

The Chariot
Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot

The Major Arcana card is calculated by taking one's birthday and the year in question, totaling them and then adding those digits to arrive at a number less than 22 which then corresponds to one of the 22 cards in the Major Arcana. So for last year, the numbers in question brought me to the number 7. So, to illustrate; 2019 + 2 + 11= 2,032, then 2 + 0 + 3 + 2=7. The seventh card in the Major Arcana is the Chariot meaning last year was a Chariot year for me. I view the Chariot as a forward moving vehicle making progress as long as the Charioteer maintains control over the chariot. It takes some physical strength to keep the chariot on the forward path. I view forward progress as growth. I do feel in many areas I grew. I’ve let things go I no longer needed, especially in the way I view situations. I've learned I can only control my own chariot and no one else's.

Astrologically the Chariot is connected to Cancer, the crab. And like the crab, the Charioteer is protected by armor which covers his vulnerability, i.e., his emotions. Cancer is one of three water signs which means those signs feel their emotions more deeply than the other nine. I take the armor as a way of keeping the Charioteer focused on moving forward, concentrating on what he needs to and not be distracted by unnecessary emotions. Plus, the armor also gives the Charioteer the appearance of being less vulnerable than he truly could be.

As I look back on my year, I feel I was able to keep my hands on the reins of my chariot so it could maintain its forward movement without being distracted by too many emotions. Well, most of the time. A good charioteer must also be aware of their surroundings at all times, too. So, yes, I admit to being distracted a few times, but regained control with the help of some friends.

Now, on to 2020 and my new card of the year:

Strength
Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot

WouldaCouldaShoulda

They say there are only two reasons for looking back:

1. to check the rear view mirror when driving, and
2. to see how much progress you have made on your journey through life. 

Oh, and to see if you're being followed, like when you’re walking alone down a dark alley or in a parking structure. So, I guess there are three reasons for looking back. 

Lately, as I’ve been searching for a direction in life, I end up with a lot of down, alone time where I find myself involved with my not-so-favorite pastime; overthinking. 

It seems I’ve been overthinking past conversations I would have, could have or should have handled differently at the time. Or conversations I imagine having should the opportunity arise in the future. I like to call them “conversations after the fact.” Also known as “why didn’t I think of that at the time?” moments.

A recent conversation with a friend around a semi-sensitive subject has triggered this revelation. 

It also triggered painful memories of other difficult conversations, not only with him, but with others, around this sensitive subject.

His question was very innocent as I know he was coming from a place of caring and I understand we have differing views on this and many other subjects.

I now live a very different life than most people so I understand my choices might not resonate with many others. But for the most part, I'm comfortable with my choices and that's all that matters.

Yet, I find myself wanting to revisit this conversation with him to clarify any misconceptions I might have left with my friend.

But, will it matter? Probably not. Will he have remembered this conversation? Again, probably not. Could there even have been a misinterpretation in the first place? Most likely not, as he saw things through his viewpoint and I expressed myself through mine. Is he sitting at home wondering if he misunderstood me or thinking of what he woulda, coulda, or shoulda said differently in case he believes he said something wrong? Most definitely not. 

Revisiting the past with others isn’t always effective. Sure, it can mend fences or fix misunderstandings but sometimes it doesn’t. If this is my life and I know what I meant even if I didn’t verbalize it perfectly, does it really matter? No.

In many cases, looking at the wouldas, couldas and shouldas might trigger one more thing. Regret. I regret how I said what I said. But what does this regret trigger in me? Maybe a feeling of being misunderstood? Of not having said exactly what I wanted to say? Of wondering how my friend perceives or accepts me? A sense of having to defend my unconventional choices? Who knows? 

I also find myself looking at other potential conversations involving different people I might have to face in the future where past misunderstandings have lead to a breach of trust.

In these cases, I’ll just be prepared should I encounter these individuals in the future provided I remember then what I want to say now.

Either way, overthinking these conversations triggers anxiety in anticipation of potential future encounters with these people. 

So, what to do when I find myself in these mental conversations?

When I realize I’m think-talking to myself again, I try to bring my focus back to the moment. If I’m washing dishes, I focus on the water and suds and how they dance across the plate or bowl. If I’m walking outside, I focus on the plants and the texture of the leaves or the bark of the trees. If I’m doing something around the house, I put my energy and attention into whatever it is I’m doing. If I'm listening to music, I focus on the lyrics. Eventually, the anticipated conversation has drifted away.

If I’m trying to fall asleep, well, then I’m in trouble. I try a self-relaxation technique where I start to focus on my breath for a while, feeling it as I inhale, then as I exhale, inhale, exhale, over and over. Later, I focus on my feet and feel how heavy they are. Then my calves, up my legs to my abdomen and so on. It does work most of the time.

If that doesn’t help, there’s always Melatonin.
 

November's Card

Nine of Wands
Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

When I sat down to write my reflection on November’s card from my New Year's Reading, it dawned on me I already had written it in a way, sort of. Kinda.

My card for November was the Nine of Wands Reversed from the New Palladini Tarot.

When we look at the traditional card from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, we see an injured young man, seemingly exhausted, leaning on a staff. He’s obviously looking off to one side. What’s going on over there that has caught his attention? Were his injuries sustained in some kind of battle? Is it still going on? Why does he have these other staffs with him? Did they belong to some of his fallen comrades? Curious minds want to know.

Nine of Rods (Wands)
New Palladini Tarot

Regardless of his injuries and exhaustion, he also appears to have the stamina to keep going, to fight on if he needs. Somehow, he’d muster the strength, courage and energy to do so like a good warrior. I like to think of this as a “don’t-mess-with-me-or-you-might-regret-it” card. 

But, in my reading, he’s reversed.

So, this changes things.

The reversal could suggest a full surrender, a giving up. Exhaustion has taken over. I’m done.

As I looked back at this card and the feeling of full surrender came over me, my previous post, The Doldrums, sprang to mind. 

In that post, I wrote that is seems like everything I've tried to motivate myself to find a direction in my social life and some increased economic opportunities did not pan out. So, I felt like throwing down the staff and just hibernating. After all, the first Spirit Guide I met was Bear, so hibernation would be quite fitting. Plus, winter is approaching and Bear People do tend to hibernate a bit in the winter.

Yet, that isn’t very healthy.

Or very fun.

But, something interesting occurred to me when I reviewed the card. Bear with me, it’s a stretch. Or a reach. But, whatever.

Upright, the figure is looking to the left. I view a reading as a snapshot of this current moment in time, of the Now. We often use a timeline to chronicle events from the past to the present. Traditionally, we place the events furthest in the past to the farthest left on the timeline and then proceed forward in time to the right. The events that injured the young man already occurred. They're in the past. I mean, he's already bandaged. 

My card turned up reversed, so now he’s looking to the right, into the future. So, maybe I feel like giving up now. But, as he’s looking to the right, into the future, I’m taking this as a sign to just keep plodding on as a new year is on the way. 

It’s like he’s saying, just wait. Don’t give up, even if you feel like it Right Now.

After all, the Hermit, (one of my favorite cards in the deck) is up next. But, he’s reversed, too.

What could that mean?

I guess I’ll find out.

The Hermit
New Palladini Tarot

To read my prior post, click here.

The Doldrums

A few years ago while teaching, I became enchanted with the book, The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. It’s a wonderful story about a young boy named Milo and is filled with wonderful examples of figurative language.

The story opens and Milo is bored and believes his life has no direction because he has nothing to do. Wherever he is, he wishes he were somewhere else and when he’s somewhere else, he wishes he was back where he was. A mysterious box appears in his room containing an unassembled tollbooth, some coins and a map. He assembles the tollbooth, checks the map and gets in a small electric car he owns but hasn’t driven in months-or maybe years, he can't remember-and approaches the toll booth. He uses the coins to pay the toll and sets off on an adventure of a lifetime through the Lands Beyond.

One of the first places Milo experiences in the Lands Beyond is the Doldrums, described as mile after mile after mile after mile of the same dull, drab, gray landscape. His car eventually goes slower and slower and slower and Milo finds himself feeling drowsier and drowsier and very dull. Wondering aloud, he asks himself where he is. A voice from very far away tells him he is in The Doldrums, the land where nothing ever happens and nothing ever changes and, in fact, laughing and thinking are against the law there.

Later, I was surprised to actually find the Doldrums on a world map making it a real place. Kind of. Further investigation led me to discover it is also known as The Intertropical Convergence Zone. It lies along the equator where the northeast and southeast Tradewinds converge. Due to the weather patterns along the equator, the Tradewinds converge here and then rise straight up, leaving almost no surface winds which, in turn, leaves boats without any wind to help them along. Therefore, they simply drift along, directionless. Nowadays, many boats and ships have motors to help them in windless times and, evidently, in windless locations.

Lately, I’ve felt I’ve been in the Doldrums, metaphorically, that is. Drifting along directionless. I’ve been trying to motivate myself to do more and to get out more. To that end, I applied for a seasonal job, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I am no longer being considered for it. Yet, that chain is still hiring. I’ll apply for another job elsewhere and see what happens. My concern, though, with working while being an introvert and an empath is that it can be exhausting working around people. Maybe a people-free job exists somewhere? But, to be honest, some human interaction is actually healthy.

The majority of my friends have jobs so, during the day, they are occupied. If I go out for a walk, I’m walking alone which still gives me the freedom to overthink. I do try some walking meditations where I focus on the landscape around me or try and identify the various sounds I hear, especially if I’m walking along a nature trail. I sometimes walk the local mall, leaving my credit cards at home or the tendency to shop can be a bit tempting. If I want to socialize at night or on weekends, my friends often have family obligations. Or they live far away.

Something else I’ve tried in order to cure the Doldrums is looking for groups to socialize with but the dues to attend their functions or the cost of their events adds up and for someone on a fixed income, that can be an issue. A few of them seemed interesting at first, but didn't live up to their hype or had agendas other than what I was looking for.

Plus, there’s the introvert/empath thing again. 

I’ve tried working on my writing projects but after a while, the arthritis in my hands and tendinitis in my wrists and elbows alert me to when I’ve done enough typing for a while. But, I still do need to get those works finished.

So, I stay home a lot, but I can only dust the rooms, sweep the floors, sort out closets or clean bathrooms so often. I do some reading, mostly books on overcoming anxiety or enhancing my tarot studies and other related fields. 

I've considered volunteering at a local animal shelter, but I’d want to bring home a cat or two, yet my budget simply can’t handle the food, litter, vaccinations, check-ups, toys and other feline necessities. Plus, my plants wouldn't necessarily like possibly being chewed on. 

I do have a project in the works, but I’m not ready to come out with it, just yet. Some logistics still need to be worked out. Plus, it's not quite a socializing event. 

In short, I just need to set a course for somewhere and see what happens. After all, ships never get anywhere staying close to the shore.

Besides, I can always change course if the first one doesn’t work out.

Again.

October

The original card from
the Rider Waite Smith deck

Since we have moved into November, it’s time to check in with my October card from my New Year's Reading and we find ourselves with the Four of Pentacles, Reversed.

As I mentioned earlier in April with the Ten of Pentacles, this is the suit associated with prosperity, abundance and material goods. As we need to work to attain prosperity, it can also relate to labor, jobs, investments, etc. As we examine the figure in the traditional card, we can see he is hanging on to his Pentacles by grasping one to his chest and standing on two of them. As four is near the beginning of the suit, this is suggesting the figure is early in his understanding of the suit. He’s made some money, or acquired some possessions and is fearful of losing them. Therefore, he’s clinging to them, or trying to control what he has. So, in an upright position, this is a card about controlling and maintaining what we have in terms of our material situation.

The Four of Pentacles,
New Palladini

In my reading, I used the New Palladini deck and this card came up reversed. Reversals can indicate a delay, an obstacle, a blockage or simply the opposite meaning. Are there things I’m hanging on to that no longer serve me? While Pentacles is mostly about material goods and possessions, this card, reversed, could also suggest a letting go of control in general. In some instances, a reversal may also suggest the upright energy of the card but to its most extreme. In this case, it might suggest the figure is taking the fear of losing his possessions to the extreme of hoarding, stinginess or outright possessiveness. 

I can always find things I’m no longer using and donate them to a charity or simply toss out. In fact, I try to make it a habit to find a minimum of fifty things throughout each year to toss. This can include outdated medications, CDs I no longer listen to, DVDs that have lost my interest, clothes that no longer fit or are too worn, etc. Or it could even be something I haven’t set eyes on in the last 6 months.

Pentacles is the suit also connected to the Earth element. Have I been outdoors in Nature much? Not really. Do I feel grounded or connected to the Earth? Again, not really.

There were some things that came up in this past month that caused me to take a look at myself.

I posted about them in a fairly recent blog, Humbled, where I learned that if you let go of an expected, or highly anticipated outcome, you will never be disappointed.

I take it that was the message of the card. Letting go of expectations, relinquishing control, or not blocking the changes meant for my higher good.

But, I still feel the need to get out into Nature more and ground myself. 

Going Home

They say you can’t go home again. I understand it’s a metaphor regarding the changes that people go through as life goes on and on for the one who leaves and those who don't. So, everything will be different when the prodigal child returns.

My old home in Sacramento

For me, that saying became literal as well. In 1976, I moved to Los Angeles from Sacramento, California for college. During my freshman year, my stepfather accepted a job in St. Louis, Missouri. So, my home in California disappeared into nothingness leaving Los Angeles as my new home. I used to tell people I didn't leave home, it left me. Missouri would never be home as I had no real connection to it and they lived there barely nine months anyway before moving once again. And, in reality, Sacramento wasn’t truly home as we’d only lived there about a year and a half before I left and two years before they did. Yet, my grandparents had lived there for as long as I can recall and remained there until they passed. So, Sacramento always was a home base of some kind.

My mother has lived in the Atlanta area since 1979. I recently went to visit and discovered another aspect of going home even if it’s just home to visit mom wherever she may reside. I’ve changed even more since my previous visit over a year ago. Last year, I’d toyed with the idea of telling her I was beginning to study the tarot and with my first baby steps in telling her, she replied “I thought they were supposed to be evil.” I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I didn’t.

This year I was still unsure about sharing that aspect of my new life. So, I chose to play it by ear. For several reasons, I ended up not opening that closet door. I tried explaining about being an empath by sharing a couple of my empathic moments. I tried explaining some of my intuitive experiences. I’m not sure she grasped any of it, but I’m grateful she listened even if she didn’t know what to say. No one usually does. I’m used to it, so I go it mostly alone, with a few friends who do understand. Kind of.

I did bring up the fact I see the same numbers over and over. I pointed out once that it was 1:11 on the clock and that I’d noticed 11:11 earlier that morning. She said she didn’t believe in that stuff. I took that as not a good sign.

I know this aspect of my life is hard to understand for those who are more secular or religious than spiritual. After all, those nasty tarot cards are frowned upon by churches and those who read them are children of the devil. We've been brainwashed not to pay attention to our intuition as it's seen by some as an evil spirit, mental illness or unreal. Other people get freaked out by it.

Mom and I had some moments of conservative vs. liberal politics but when we realized we would not see eye to eye we steered clear of them. Religion sort of reared its head and we ended up dropping that topic as well and we did the same with environmental issues. 

The view from my mother's back deck

All in all, it was similar to previous visits but for some reason my anxiety was through the roof. Maybe it was because I’m still getting used to these newer dimensions of me and I wasn’t sure of how to proceed in sharing with her, or if I even should. Maybe it was the idea of not being in my own home, my comfort zone. Perhaps it was just being around another person for 24 hours a day after living alone for so many years, regardless of who it was.

Or maybe it was just being in the conservative, oppressive south.

Maybe it was the realization that this was the first time in my life I knew she couldn’t be there for me as I needed her to be. Even as she tried.

Maybe it was all of the above.

I don’t wish to paint my mother as a difficult person. She isn’t. She is very loving and has been there as much for me as she has for my brothers and their issues. She was the only family member who initially stood by my side when I came out as gay. She has her upbringing which has led her down a conservative path and she recognizes we all have our differences which she respects.

As I reflect on what I learned about myself on this trip, I have come to this conclusion; it’s still difficult to ask for what I want or need in relationships. It wasn’t until almost the very end of my stay when I asked for some quiet time on my own. Yes, I could have gone up to "my room” and lie down or something. And, yes, I could have borrowed her car and gone into Atlanta for a day out on my own. But, it’s also hard to ask for that when you’ve made your annual trek across the country to visit and help your aging mother while recognizing she wants to maximize the time we have together. Based on her needs, obligations and other family engagements in the area, we arranged our chores around them, which then also limited my ability to go explore Atlanta. Plus, the two hour drive into the city was also a huge factor. 

So, all in all, it was a nice visit, even if it had its ups and downs. Hopefully, next time I’ll be a bit more grounded.  

Home, my comfort zone

Humbled

It really is humbling when your own words come back to haunt you.
Or kick you in the ass.

Or hit you upside the head

Or all of the above.

It can also be embarrassing.

I’ve  mentioned my anxiety before and how I've tried to manage it and that I felt I was getting a handle on it.

Up until last week, that is.

Normally, I might have an episode that lasts a few hours, or most of a day. Last week, it went on for a few days. 

Okay, nearly all week.

I had been on prescription medication, but at one point my doctor and I felt I no longer needed it. So, I stopped. Yay me. I still have the last bottle but as it takes two weeks for this medication to begin working, it wouldn’t help me last week.

I’ve tried meditation in the past and sometimes that helps, but this time I had a very hard time calming my mind to just be with the anxiety and not attach to it. That makes it difficult to find the trigger of the episode so I could address it without adding to the emotional storm whirling through my mind. I want to tackle the triggers of my anxiety episodes so I can be more prepared for when I am triggered.

At first, I thought it might be the full moon in Aries, an emotionally-explosive, charge-forward sign with the sun in Libra, a sign that seeks balance, calm and fairness. Quite a dichotomy of energies. But, I can't recall being this affected by a full moon before. So, maybe that wasn't it.

I was anticipating chatting with a friend to continue our conversation, but I didn’t hear back for a while, even a bit longer than usual which added to my anxiety. But, something told me this wasn't the trigger.

Since I couldn't identify a possible trigger, I'd tackle the symptoms, at least for now.

I tried listening to binaural beats to help calm me down and they did, for a while. But, my mind took back over and the race was on again.

I have tried medical cannabis, but one bad experience where it actually enhanced my anxiety has caused me to question using it again. I may look into just using cbd oil, the non-psychoactive component of cannabis which has been known to treat seizures in children.

I tried being mindful when I could, like when washing the dishes. “Feel the warm water on your hands. Feel the soap as it caresses the dishes. Feel the texture of the food particles as you wash the plate, now feel it squeaky clean.” Once the dishes were done, so was the mindfulness for that moment.

The smoke from the flashpoint as seen
from the end of my street

I wanted to go for a walk and meditate while walking, “See the trees and how the leaves rustle in the breeze. Listen to the birds gently calling to each other, what are they saying? Oh, a sound in the underbrush, what was it? Can I find what was making the noise?” But, with a wildfire burning nearby complete with its smoke and fine particulate matter in the air we were encouraged to stay inside with windows closed which contributed to my anxiety. I shared news of the fire on Facebook and a couple of people asked about it and how I was being affected.

So, I just learned to try to live with my anxiety. And also not sleep. Or at least not sleep well.

A few days later, I was reading an article from Tiny Buddha that appeared in my Facebook feed. And it hit me what triggered my anxiety.

Unmet expectations.

When I posted the article on Facebook, I was sharing information for my local friends to be aware of. Yet, I was also expecting, probably subconsciously, for other friends to check in on me. Only two did.

Smoke from the fire as seen
from a local school

It was that realization when I was able to kick my anxiety in the ass and let it go. And finally relax.

Many years ago, I learned that expectations are planned disappointments. When you expect something from someone, and it doesn't happen how you expected, if it happens at all, you have set yourself up for disappointment. I have counseled many friends with that exact sentiment. Yet, here it slipped through my fingers. 

I’m glad I was alone when I realized this as I felt very embarrassed for not following my own hallowed advice.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself as I wasn’t exactly aware I was holding expectations over friends' reactions to the nearby wildfire. Or maybe there were outstanding reasons I wasn't aware of that they didn’t see my post.

I guess this is another lesson for me to work on. Or at least be reminded of.

Expect nothing and I won’t be disappointed.

And that includes expectations from myself. 

For information on Binaural Beats and how they work, click here.

To view the Tiny Buddha article on expectations, click here.