Lessons from a Tree

The Lake at Franklin Canyon Park

I went for a walk the other day, as I try to get some exercise, vitamin D and to connect with nature as frequently as I can. I also try a walking meditation as I go along my way. Try being the operative word as those pesky thoughts and what-ifs do try and grab my attention. I acknowledge them, tell them to stfu and sit themselves back down. It doesn’t always work but at least I try.

This particular morning I decided to go to my favorite spot, Franklin Canyon Park. I knew the traffic would be less as it was Thanksgiving Day. 

Arriving at the park, I decided to remain on the paved roads as it had recently rained (finally!) and I wanted to avoid slipping in mud because I was hiking alone and should I fall and get hurt, I’d have no one to help me. After a while, I noticed the ground didn’t seem too muddy so I decided to just meander through the park while keeping my mind focused on what I was seeing and where I was going. I ended up taking a trail I had never explored before. 

The Unexplored Path

As I rounded a bend in the trail, I noticed a unique tree. A California live oak, I believe. California live oaks are quite common in the area, but what made this one unique was its development. As I passed it, I felt the urge to sit with the tree. Actually, I will admit I felt the tree reach out, “Come sit with me.” I made a promise, “I will be back” and continued exploring the path to its end.

I returned to the tree and took a few breaths to ground and center myself before climbing up on the trunk. Closing my eyes, I felt the energy of the tree and the sounds of the park surround me. And yet, I could feel the tree teaching me something. When I opened my eyes a few moments later, I understood what the tree wanted me to know.

When that little acorn fell from its parent tree, it landed just where it did. It took root and began to sprout; it found the nutrients it needed and grew into a sapling. Along the way, that little sapling faced many challenges, yet did what it needed to meet them without giving up its essence. In order to reach the light it so desperately needed, it had to grow parallel to the ground in places. Then it twisted itself around to grow some more when its neighbors began blocking out its light doing exactly what it needed to in order to continue its growth.

And the tree just did it. Without fear, without thinking of any repercussions, consequences or other potential outcomes. It needed to survive.

We can be like this tree. We will encounter many challenges along our journey and we can overcome them. We can bend ourselves, metaphorically, to circumvent some challenges. We can change direction, if need be.

Yet we are different from the tree.

We do what the tree doesn’t.

We think. 

I don’t mean to denigrate thinking. It benefits us while at the same time can be a source of discomfort. We can think to solve problems like what route is best, or which camera better suits my needs? Maybe those are simple choices with pros and cons to weigh but still some thinking is involved in reaching an outcome. But, thinking also gets us into trouble when we think of the what-ifs as we contemplate life's little conundrums. We anticipate negative outcomes which may or may not happen. (Hint, they usually don’t.)

• What if they don’t like me? (What if they do?)
• What if I fail? (What if you succeed?)
• What if it doesn't work out? (What if it does?)

Okay, so in reality we overthink.

When we meet a challenge, I feel we should stop, look at it, decide on a course of action, attempt it and then evaluate the result. Did it work? It did? Great. Move on.

It didn’t? What different approach can I try? Because if I try the same thing again, I can’t expect some magically different outcome. And isn't that the definition of insanity: trying the exact same approach over and over, yet expecting the results to somehow turn out differently on their own? 

Or should I try something else and change something within  me that concerns the situation while remaining true to myself? Perhaps a simple attitude adjustment?

Or is the whole thing even worth my energy?

Depending on how major of a situation it is, I prefer the last one. If the situation isn’t worth my energy, I say fuck it and move on.

So, where the tree simply adapts itself to the challenge, we actually have the ability to remove the challenge from our path.

But, the biggest lesson I learned came from a part of the tree we don’t see; the roots. The roots keep the tree grounded, safe and secure. While the trunk twists, turns and does what it needs to, the tree itself remains grounded and secure in its tree-ness.

Whatever life throws at us we are capable of meeting it as long as we remain grounded which, admittedly, is not easy.

And if we can do that we can reach our canopy out into the universe to its fullest extent.

Just like the tree.

All photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam

Happiness

A friend recently asked me a very deep, personal question. But, before I could answer, my mind took me on a quick trip back to my younger years.

I viewed this surprise trip down memory lane as inspiration for this post. Or as a sign I needed to write it. 

He asked me, “Are you happy?”

The moment he asked me this, a book that belonged to my grandfather flashed before my mind’s eye. As a child, I loved this book both in its simplicity of text and artwork. As an adult, I now see that its simplicity is also its depth. The book was “Happiness is a Warm Puppy” by Charles Schulz,1962. 

Yes, that Charles Schulz of Peanuts fame. As I recall, the book consisted of one line for each character or pair of characters describing what happiness meant to them: 

• One page shows Lucy hugging a confused Snoopy expressing “Happiness is a warm puppy.”
• Another page shows Linus all snuggled in bed, “Happiness is sleeping in your own bed.”
• And yet one more illustration shows Lucy with a pair of tweezers and Linus examining his finger with the phrase “Happiness is finally getting the sliver out.”

(Disclaimer: I do not have the book and these are pages I was able to see on various listings on the internet.)

The other memory that sprang to mind when my friend asked me that question was a song my family enjoyed whenever it came up on the 8-track. (Yes, I’m that old!)  “Happiness is...” by Ray Conniff sums up this post in its core lyric: “Happiness is different things to different people.” It goes on to list various people and what makes them happy:

• To a preacher, it’s a prayer
• To a golfer, it's a hole in one 
• To a father, it's a brand new son

You get the picture, we all have our own definition of what happiness is, from a warm puppy to a brand new son. Granted these are external moments of happiness. All of which can be lost in a moment.

Which leads me to my point, true happiness is an inside job. We choose what makes us happy. We choose to be happy where we are in that moment.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we should try to make ourselves happy while in a relationship that may be toxic or no longer working. Nor should we settle for or stay in a relationship or job if we are truly miserable and no longer consider ourselves to be happy. Nor should we accept something that we truly can’t live with while in a relationship or job that is doing well. Obviously some compromises can be worked out. 

For a number of years, I was in a relationship and believed I was happy. But, I was only happy because I was in a relationship again right after my first parter had passed. I was no longer alone. The relationship began to change after a few years but I was still with someone who loved me so I felt happy, after all relationships are forever, aren't they? And, I didn't want to be alone again. Naturally.

Quite a conundrum.

I have come to believe we must first be happy with ourselves. The moment we decide to place our happiness in someone else’s hands, they will drop it every single time. Every. Single. Time.

Nothing is perfect. No relationship, no job, nothing.

So, if nothing is perfect that begs the question, can we define what happiness is within the context of a relationship? Or any situation, for that matter. I feel that as long as we can be happy with ourselves in an imperfect situation, we can accept the challenges and imperfections as long as we are not settling for something less than we deserve.

Many of us believe happiness is a destination. If only I had..., if only I were..., if only I worked..., if only my partner...

And yet, when we get those dream items often we aren’t any happier. In my opinion, chasing happiness like this is similar to dangling the carrot in front of the donkey to get it to move forward. Sometimes we end up focusing so much on leading the donkey, we take our eyes off our path and end up who-knows-where.

So, this brings me back to my original point, we need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy externally.

With a potential relationship on the horizon, I am focusing on my happiness first. I am not depending on anyone else to make me happy. 

No one can. 

It’s my job, my responsibility and no one else’s.

So, to answer my friend, “Yes, I am happy."

Swords, Cups and Queens

Sometimes we are but a simple messenger delivering a message we don’t understand.

And we pray the message is good so we don’t get metaphorically shot.

Hopefully we will find out the verdict if we just wait.

And trust.

And continue to trust.

And then trust some more.

And then, voilà, all will be revealed in its own divine time over which we have no fucking control.

I had such a lesson quite recently. Fortunately, it all happened within the same hour period, so this was a very short era of divine time.

It happened in my Tarot group.

After our typical lesson and discussion period, we have a Readers’ Exchange, where, if someone has a question, the other readers who choose, offer to read for the questioner.

Now, I am one of the newest members in the group, both in learning and attending regularly. Some of the others have been reading for at least a year or two more than I have and some up to nearly twenty years.

It took me a few months to gain the courage to begin reading for all these veterans.

And, I took that step about a month ago.

This lesson I learned was just a week ago. Two of the more experienced members had a question for the Readers’ Exchange and I chose to read for them. Now, when I do a reading at home for a friend, or myself, I usually do a full Celtic Cross which involves ten cards across a table. That’s a little difficult to pull off in a restaurant where there are dishes, ketchup bottles, water glasses, etc on the table. Plus, we usually run upwards of ten people total so table space is at a premium. I’ve tried experimenting with three-card spreads, as in a past/present/possible future situation, or a where-are-you-now/what’s-blocking-you/a-possible-outcome spread.

In both cases, I drew three cards assigning a meaning to each position in the spread. The first question had to do with the possible outcome of insurance companies handling a claim of a recent automobile accident. In this case, I assigned speed-of-resolution to the first space, challenges-or-blockages to the second space and left the third space as a possible wild card, meaning a card for advice, clarification, etc. The first two cards made perfect sense to me for the positions they were in. The third had me stumped; the Queen of Cups. 

Now I could have thrown the cards back in the deck and redrawn, but would that improve my ability? And shouldn’t I learn to work with the cards and the questioner together? I mean, if this is what came up, it came up for a reason. And mine is not to wonder why.

As Cups is the suit of the heart, the Queen is the most nurturing and loving of the four queens in the deck and she can also signify a romantic connection. She is also the most maternal of the queens and very caring. I was having great difficulty connecting her to the situation, the car accident.

When a Queen, or any court card, shows up in a reading, it can refer to;

1. A real person,
2. An aspect of the questioner’s personality as it relates to the attributes of the card, or in some instances,
3. The energy of the card somehow in the overall situation. 

I ruled out the last one as I couldn’t see a car accident being somewhat nurturing.

Another reader was asking some clarifying questions based on the cards she had pulled, and our questioner began telling her story. I listened raptly for any mention of someone who might fit the Queen of Cups. As my friend recounted the story she began with how it happened and the immediate aftermath. She recalled sitting on a curb when a woman came up to her, said she was a nurse and made sure my friend was okay. The nurse stayed with her all day making sure my friend had something to eat, and made sure she got home safely. 

Then it hit me, the nurse was the Queen of Cups! I couldn’t see her in the spread even if she did come up. However, she was there in the story. 

The second reading was a general reading for a woman who was celebrating a birthday and wanted to know what the upcoming year might bring. I’d never done a birthday reading before, especially with three cards, so I improvised. I couldn’t very well do a past/present/future here. So, I thought mind/heart/body? Hmm, why not? And a fourth card to represent a theme for the year.

So, I drew the first card for the mind position, and it was appropriate. Cool. The second card, for the heart, was a bit concerning, but nothing tragic. The third card for the body was troublesome. The questioner had been having health issues, recently had surgery to remedy them and here I draw the Nine of Swords. A card of grief, despair, worry, anxiety, the list goes on. It’s not a good card to see come up. 

Soon, it came to be my turn to share. So, I shared the first two cards, and my friend understood them. Then it came time for the Nine of Swords and her health. As I held up the card, the energy I was feeling didn’t seem very heavy. I wasn’t filled with the sense of grief or worry normally carried by that card. I couldn’t place what exactly was happening but it didn’t feel as troublesome as when I first saw the card. Before I could go on further, my friend said, with a big smile on her face that she knew exactly what the card was referring to. And was quite content.

Whew!

As I am learning to trust in my readings, my broader lesson here is to also trust in myself.

The hardest lesson of all.

But, I’m getting there.

The Temperant Hermit Priestess

As I’ve been exploring the Tarot, I’ve been discovering that certain cards appeal to me more than others.

Maybe appeal isn’t the right word, but speak to or resonate with me.

One of the first cards that resonated with me was the High Priestess. 

She guards a temple allowing in only the initiated. To enter, one must honor the duality of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, the darkness and the light, as suggested by the two contrasting pillars. She teaches us the mysteries of the Divine Feminine energy carried within us regardless of gender identification or sexual orientation. She directs us to go within to find our own truth and to connect to our subconscious mind which is symbolized by what lies beyond the veil behind her. 

When I first studied the keywords associated with her, they really hit home because I could see myself in the card as she embodies my journey to my higher consciousness. She still resonates strongly with me; I smile when she appears in a reading, whether for me or someone else. Often when I feel the need, or the inspiration, to buy another deck, I’ll check out the artwork on her card to see if that artist's rendition appeals to me and make my decision to buy the deck based on her. 

As well as on my intuition. And budget.

The High Priestess is about seeking that inner voice, and listening to our intuition to help us understand both ourselves better as well as the mysteries of life.

Another of my favorite cards is the Hermit.

He stands alone on a snow covered mountain top. He has chosen the path of self-discovery and has now reached his summit. His lantern holds a six-pointed star representing both the Seal of Solomon, a sign of wisdom, and the Merkaba, a spiritual symbol. His lantern lights only the next few feet in front of him as he cannot see the whole journey ahead, just the next few steps into the unknown. He takes those steps believing all will be revealed in Divine Time. The staff in his left hand, the side of the subconscious, helps him maintain balance as he walks his path.

He represents soul-searching, introspection, solitude and inner guidance. I like to view him as a student who has learned from the High Priestess and is near the peak of his journey. Therefore, I also see myself in him as I do spend a lot of time in introspective solitude. And like with the High Priestess, I smile when he appears. 

Another card that has recently begun reaching out to me is Temperance. 

On this card we see a winged angel of ambiguous gender. Being an angel, this figure represents our connection to the divine, to our higher power. The angel is standing between earth and water suggesting the importance of being grounded while going with the flow of life represented by the path in the background. The crown in the background suggests taking the higher path to remain true to one’s journey and calling especially when the going gets rough. The figure pours water back and forth between two goblets reminding us again of the ebb and flow which is the magic of life.

This is card about balance and moderation, as well as patience and purpose.

I view both the High Priestess and the Hermit as relating directly to my own path into my Self, into my higher consciousness, while Temperance is a lesson I need to meditate on, and even more so lately. I need to keep myself in balance and remain patient not only with myself but with others as well. And this will continue to lead me to my purpose in life. 

And not just for the purpose of this blog.

I am exploring a somewhat unconventional relationship. I think I've said that once before. We had a past and when we came to a parting of the ways, it was the most excruciating pain, emotional or physical, I’d ever experienced.

I had always maintained there was a spiritual purpose to this relationship and even when we separated, I knew deep down we were not finished. We still had more to discover; about each other, and more importantly, about ourselves via this relationship.

So, we would have our time. But when, I did not know.

We have now reconnected and things are moving smoothly, but slowly. And here’s where Temperance comes in. I’d like to move a little faster. But, I need to take his pace and concerns into account as well. Finding that balance where we are moving forward but not scaring each other off is difficult. I need to keep myself grounded while going with the flow.

Things between us have changed since the first phase of the relationship. In the two and a half years of separation we both have grown, we both have matured. Yet, I still get triggered by things that happen now as I compare them to how they happened in the past, even if they are different in the present. So, I still need to focus on the now, not the then. Temperance would remind me of my purpose: focus on the now and remain grounded. 

Friends have also expressed their concerns over this reconnection. Some have been happy for me, others suggesting caution. Some have even offered their own unsolicited opinions and advice. And here’s where I have to invoke Temperance. I’ve explained to my friends that I don’t appreciate opinions or advice unless I specifically ask. I do understand where they are coming from. But, unless they have walked each and every exact step in the exact same shoes I have, their comments are meaningless to me as they relate to the reality of their own situations with their own relationships and not to their perception of mine. We all bring our own experiences to the table and no two tables are set the same. And unless I’m misunderstanding, their situations involve two completely different people with very different backgrounds than my current situation. So, I find no basis for any comment. True, one can argue “human nature” is somewhat comparative, but once a spiritual hold takes over, that argument becomes null and void. At least in my opinion. 

So, I will invoke, or meditate on Temperance to help me remember to maintain balance, to at least acknowledge these friends who inadvertently slip and offer something unsolicited but still coming from the goodness of their hearts. Then I can go back to the Hermit and High Priestess to help me find my intuition, my inner voice and head back beyond the veil to my snow-capped mountain retreat.

The High Priestess from
The New Palladini Tarot
by David Palladini

The High Priestess
from The Aquarian Tarot
by David Palladini

Here are three of my favorite depictions of 

the High Priestess.

I tend to favor the bottom one, in all honesty.

The High Priestess
from the Harry Potter deck
by Eleonore Pieper

Lucy's Chickens

I recently did something I’d always wanted to.

I watched all 179 episodes of I Love Lucy in order. I didn’t binge on them watching them back to back. But, I did start at the beginning with “The Girls Want to Go to a Nightclub” which originally aired on October 15, 1951 and concluded with “The Ricardos Dedicate a Statue” with an original airdate of May 6, 1957. I’d watch two or three episodes before bed or when I had some time. I didn’t check when I started, and I was interrupted by a weeklong trip to Georgia. So, I had no rush or a timetable; I just wanted to watch them in order over time at leisure.

I’ve been a fan of both Lucy and Lucille Ball for years. I’ve often remarked to myself and those other fans I know, how moments of our life today can be found in I Love Lucy.

We can even learn lessons from the original Fab Four-and-a-half; Lucy, Ricky, Fred, Ethel and, of course, Little Ricky. 

I’ve been exploring a possible relationship with someone very close to me. Yeah, I know. Why explore a relationship with someone not close to me? But, he is a very dear friend and I believe that the friendship itself would be the foundation for something really special between us. But, I digress from Lucy.

Lucy and the black eye

I was watching the Connecticut episodes near the end of the series when this lesson hit me harder than when Ricky tossed the book at Lucy giving her a black eye.

This lesson was about me in this possible relationship.

I’ve always had the tendency to think of the negative when things don’t go as anticipated. He and I have no set rules as when we will contact each other, but we try every day to chat at least once in the morning and once in the evening, sort of a "good morning" and a "sleep well" chat. When he can't make the morning chat, he lets me know ahead of time. So, I've come to anticipate this pattern. I understand things come up and he might not respond as quickly as I might, or our timing might be off due to said interruptions. Frequently, I have jumped to the conclusion that he either forgot me, found someone else, or simply changed his mind and has ghosted me, in spite of his many reassurances he’s not going anywhere. (At least I’m not picturing him lying dead in a ditch somewhere. I’d call that progress.)

Every time things haven’t gone per our pattern, I’ve asked or he’s immediately explained what happened and I find our communication gratifying, though I’m sure he must be getting tired of my insecurity.

Back to Lucy. In a pair of episodes, Ricky and Lucy decide to raise chickens to sell the eggs and the Mertzes move to Connecticut to manage the business. After a few missteps, Ricky gets tired of waiting for the hens to begin laying so he decides to sell them and get out of the egg business. When the poultry man arrives to buy the chickens, they are missing. Spotting one of the missing hens in Ethel’s hatbox, Ricky then accuses Fred of being a chicken thief whereupon Fred accuses Ricky of planting the hen in the hatbox to scapegoat Fred and cop the profit for himself. The argument escalates to where all four adults end up accusing each other with Lucy and Ethel also getting swept up in the accusations when some hens are discovered in the Ricardo’s living room. 

As it turns out, no one is a chicken thief as Little Ricky, wanting to keep the chickens, conspired with his next door neighbor to hide them!

And that’s when it hit me, the reason for many misunderstandings is rarely as severe as we often make it. These four adults were jumping to conclusions when the reason behind the missing chickens was simpler than they thought. 

So, the next time things might not go according to our pattern, I’ll invoke this episode to remind me, that the reason of my doubts and fears is far less complicated than the conclusion I’m jumping to. 

And no one is a chicken thief. 

Epiphanies from The Past

Salt Lake City Mormon Temple

While watering my backyard the other night, I came to an interesting realization which only confirms my belief that things happen for a reason.

I’ve stated here in my blog that I believe I was destined to end up with my house which also suggests I was destined to be exactly where I am in this current moment.

Yet, this latest epiphany revolves around another huge moment in my life: my parents’ divorce when I was five years old. 

If they hadn’t divorced, my life would have been quite different. Yes, I know that goes without saying. But, let me describe the two possible scenarios dancing around in my head.

My father’s family is very much a part of the Mormon church with many of our ancestors converting to the church in their native countries and immigrating to America to be with other active members during the church's early history, the 1840s-1850s. I attended Primary, an organized instructional program for children ranging in age from 18 months to twelve years of age, up until my parents divorced.

Had my parents stayed together, the church would have been a big part of my life.

While no one can be sure of what would have actually happened, here are two possible scenarios both beginning with my staying with the church.

1. I would have followed my ancestors’ footsteps, possibly going on a mission somewhere in the world whether exotic like France, or Costa Rica, or someplace much less exotic, like Oklahoma City. I would have felt the pressure to marry and have children. I would have fought my same-sex attraction, living a very repressed and therefore depressed life, possibly leading to me die by suicide, leaving many unanswered questions behind for my family.

 or

2. I would have ultimately accepted myself, probably leaving the church and divorcing my wife, disrupting her and any children’s lives we may have had.

No one has a reverse crystal ball to see how things might have played out. 

Los Angeles Temple

While I did not remain in the Mormon church after my parents’ divorce, eventually I did end up in an evangelical Baptist environment in my mid-teens and remained semi-active in it until my mid-twenties. During that part of my life, I also felt the pressure to marry and reproduce. Even after coming out, I tried to reconcile my religious beliefs with my sexual orientation and found I could not. One of them had to go and it was the only one I believe is a choice. 

I do believe religious culture does lead to higher rates of lgbtqia teen suicide, depression, substance use/abuse, and homelessness as many teens are evicted from their homes when they come out to their religious and/or conservative parents. Even some adults who come out later in life contemplate suicide while reconciling their religious beliefs and orientations. Due to these extreme pressures from the religious communities, there is also a higher rate of substance abuse, depression and anxiety in the lgbtqia community. (Links below)

I will admit here that those very attitudes were among the reasons for me to contemplate ending my life in high school. 

It seems many religious, conservative men can’t hide their true feelings, either. I have included a link to an article listing a few Republican politicians who masquerade as religious or conservative (they usually go hand-in-hand) who were eventually caught with their pants down with another man. 

(Note: I wish to acknowledge those individual churches, denominations, and religions who are accepting of their lgbtqia members, as well as those individuals and groups working within the less tolerant churches, denominations and religions to change attitudes. Thank you, may you all be blessed.)

I do believe things happen for a reason, but I often wonder what that reason is. Maybe the Universe has other plans for me. Maybe my destiny lies elsewhere.

Only the Universe knows what those plans are and is communicating with my soul.

If only my ego would sit down, stop questioning everything and just listen.

For information on Mormon LGBTQIA suicides, click here

Republican and Gay sex scandals

An Abstract on Substance abuse disorders in Self-Identified Sexual Minorities

Substance Use and Substance Use Disorders in LGBT populations

The Tower

There are a few cards in the Tarot Deck that are not the most pleasant for the reader and may actually illicit fear in the client upon seeing them in a reading.

• A few from the Swords suit come to mind, and in my opinion, the 3 of Swords is one of the most troublesome.
• In the Major Arcana, Death, the Devil, and the Tower stand out to me.

As a reader, I try to caution anyone I read for not to take those cards seriously as they (the client) do not understand all of the associations with the cards and how they interplay with the other cards in the spread as well as with the position the card occupies in the spread itself and how the card turns up; is it upright or reversed? Sound complicated? Mhm. Yet, I can understand the client’s shock on seeing the cards if they turn up in a reading. After all, depending on the artist, the images can be quite disconcerting; let alone the names Death and Devil.

I recently posted about my life being an example of the Chariot card.

In reality, this could be a Tower moment for me as well.

In the traditional rendering of the Tower card, we see a tower being struck by lightning and two people falling from it; a man and a woman. One of them is dressed rather poorly while the other is well-dressed, even wearing a crown. Another oversized crown is falling from the pinnacle of the tower. Some renditions show waves crashing around the base or foundation of the tower.

How often can we predict or control when lightning might strike? Or the amount of damage it causes? We can’t. The traditional association with this card is a sudden, abrupt change over which you have no control is about to upset things, possibly shaking you to your core or foundation. Not a very pleasant thought.

Some readers associate this card with another famous tower, the Tower of Babel. In the story, man-in his ego-built the tower tall enough to be closer to God, to aspire to be more like Him. God didn’t like this, and struck the tower with a bolt of lightning. Therefore, this card can also be a warning to mind the ego which, coincidentally, is represented by the large crown in the picture.

While the idea of a sudden, abrupt change is never welcome, it can serve a purpose. When things are this shaken up, it can give us the opportunity to rebuild, but even stronger than before, while minding the ego at the same time.  

My divorce was a Tower moment. It came out of the blue, shook me to my very core, yet gave me the opportunity to rebuild myself even stronger. So, all in all, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 

Three of Swords~
Heartbreak

I may be experiencing another Tower moment. Yet this change, while sudden and unexpected, hasn’t shaken me to my core in a negative way or even as deeply as the divorce did. Yet, I feel I am rebuilding myself a bit stronger in this newest Tower moment.

As I stated in the Chariot post, someone near and dear to me has re-entered my life. His return came suddenly, abruptly and quite unexpectedly, just like the lightning. I did feel quite shaken at first as it was a return I had hoped for but didn't anticipate at this time. I always felt our business together was unfinished and our time before might not have been the right time for us. But, is now the right time? Time will tell.

I see myself having changed during our time apart. In the past, when I didn’t hear from him for a while, I felt abandoned as that fear has always been one of my deepest ones stemming from my childhood. Now, I know that fear has nothing to do with me at all. And with him, I know he will get back to me as soon as he is able.

I also want to see things develop on a more gradual, natural basis rather than rushing things like so many people do. There is an old joke playing off a lesbian stereotype. What does a lesbian bring to the second date? The moving van. I’ve heard many lesbians repeat this joke so I feel somewhat safe in relaying it here. We may have rushed things before, which led to the separation and caused some hurt feelings on both sides.

Perhaps our Tower moment was the separation itself which allowed us to strengthen our own personal foundations even more for our time now. Maybe his reappearing in my life isn’t an actual full Tower moment, but a mini-Tower? 

Or better yet, a Six of Cups moment.

Six of Cups

A reunion from the past.