Maybe She Was Right

Lately I have been wondering if my friend was right. After my blog on my anxiety attack, she commented privately she thought my anxiety was a sign I was suppressing my true feelings regarding a relationship (or maybe even just a fling); that I really wanted one, but was denying it. I went one step further and agreed she may have a point, and acknowledged I may be denying it out of a multitude of fears. 

I'd like to add here, I've had anxiety attacks as far back as 1986. I understand anxiety is a fear of the unknown; worrying about the future. I do accept the fact there is nothing I can do to change or control it, so what gives? Maybe it's a fear of the future turning out like the past. 

Anyway....

Following our conversation, I did begin thinking about what she said. And blogged about it. 

I then caught up with a second friend, who gave me yet another point to consider. He asked how much of my idle time I spent thinking about a relationship. After I calmed myself down from laughing over the concept of idle time; after all, I have so little of it between my commute, my approximately 50 hour work week, managing my house and yard, attending to my aging cat, working on my second, third and fourth novels, trying to fit in some exercise, socializing with friends, and taking some time for me, I thought about what he said. After a day or two, I realized I don't think about a relationship, I fantasize about it:

• What would it be like if he were honest and didn't play games?
• What would it be like if I came home and he had dinner ready for me?
• What would it be like if he rolled over in bed and put his arm around me and just held me close?
• What would it be like if I sat on the sofa playing Words with Friends as he massaged my aching feet?
• What would it be like if we went for a walk on the beach?
• What would it be like if we could talk and share our hopes and our fears?
• What would it be like if he knew how to listen?
• What would it be like if we sat quietly, each of us reading a book? (Maybe each other's?)
• What would it be like if we took the time to explore each other's heart, mind, and soul before exploring each other's body?
• What would it be like if he first wanted to be my friend, then my boyfriend, then my husband?
• What would it be like if he helped me through an anxiety attack?
• What would it be like if he understood my fears because he has the same ones?

It would all be wonderful.

I feel I am open to the idea of a relationship; but maybe not to the actuality of one, and maybe not at this time. I am experiencing major changes in my life right now. While change is a good thing, mostly; too much change all at once can be overwhelming. And the beginning stages of a relationship when I'm trying to figure out what he means by what he says or does drives me up a tree and a wall at the same time.

I'm currently gathering confidence to work on a new novel, a very complicated one for my second piece, and that has me flustered because I'm not exactly sure I know what I'm doing or how to proceed. I've always been a logical, linear thinker- wanting to know what I'm doing and how to do it. Even though I have received very supportive suggestions and ideas from a great group of local writers, it's still daunting because of the theme, and plots, and as I explore the characters, I'm exploring myself. And maybe that's what I need to do before I can get to know someone else.

And, maybe it's all right to learn as I go. After all, isn't life itself a learning experience?

Who knows what I'll find and learn along the way?

 

Hopefully more about myself:

As a writer;

As a gay person;

As a man.

Called Out

A dear friend and frequent reader of my blog called me out on something. After the post on my panic attack about having "animalistic thoughts about the young man on the bus" she lovingly suggested I am only kidding myself. Her conjecture is that I am actually suppressing my feelings about a relationship and that I really do want one, perhaps even more than I am willing to admit to myself or to anyone else. 

Fair enough, she might have a point. I thanked her for sharing her point of view, and thought about it. Could she be right?

 

Could I be so afraid of a relationship, I'm actually suppressing my true innermost desires for one and hiding behind my fears? Fears such as:

• Rejection
• Overstaying the relationship
• Settling for someone just because he's nice, but less than what I deserve
• Not learning from my past
• Settling for someone just to avoid being alone

Or am I playing the "I've-been-in-a-relationship-soooooo-long, I-need-time-for-myself" card too much?

Especially when someone is in front of me.

I've made it clear I am looking for someone closer to my age this time. The Young Man on the Bus seemed much younger than my ex is now. In fact, Bus Man seemed to be about the age my ex was when we first met, 20! I actually think Bus Boy might be a bit older, though. I'm putting him around 25.

But, Bus Boy is history as we never spoke, and he didn't follow me off the bus. And unless our paths cross in West Hollywood (I hardly go there) or on the number 720 bus (which I only take when I go to WeHo) chances are we'll never meet each other again in the wilds of Los Angeles. Unless the Universe's strange sense of humor makes it happen.

I've also made it clear I believe a relationship will happen at the time the Universe says it should. I'm also trusting my gut instinct which tells me it will happen. Sometime, down the road, in the not-too-distant future.

Maybe my friend was suggesting I'm more interested in a fling than a relationship. That, too, is a possibility, maybe even a necessity. Maybe I do need to kiss a few toads until I find my Prince.  Perhaps it's the fears of the fling I'm hiding behind, like:

Disney's The Princess and the Frog

• Rejection
• Diseases
• Lack of expertise
• Settling for someone just for the sex sake of it
• Hating myself in the morning
• Poor performance anxiety

I believe that a fling, if it is to happen, will happen at the appropriate time. And I will just know it will somehow all be okay.

But, for now, I'm happy just as I am and also just where I am on my path because I'm still moving forward.

 

Who knows how I'll feel when I actually do meet someone interesting?

 

Maybe that's when I'll freak out and have another panic attack.

 

Maybe he'll hold my hand through it.

 

And maybe he'll be there when the attack is over.

 

My Prince.

Chapter Next

I have been so overwhelmed recently. I was in a very upbeat mood, feeling very positive.

Three days later, I am not.

But, I still am, kind of.

Positive, I mean. But, not right now, I will be later.

And, yes, I'm just as confused.

I had a recent epiphany of sorts about two different men who had recently broken my heart. I have come to a place in my healing with both of them where I can wish them every happiness in their lives. And I sincerely mean that. If they are happy where they are, I am happy for them.

Truly.

When I had that revelation a couple of weeks ago, I felt lighter, as if a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. It also meant I was ready to move on.

And maybe date someone.

I said, maybe.

I recently spent some time in West Hollywood, a place I have mixed feelings about. I had wanted to go out one Saturday night, but changed my mind. A Facebook friend encouraged me to change it back, but I didn't. I stayed in and began reading a book by an author friend so I could review it and help promote it for him. 

I decided on the spur of the moment the next day to go to the West Hollywood Book Fair.  It was smaller than I recalled from last year. And therefore a bit disappointing. Yet, something else was upsetting me about it. But, I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

When I'd had enough of the fair, I decided to head home. As my car is aging, I choose to take public transport when possible, and I had chosen to do so that day. I headed to the bus stop for the bus that would take me to the subway station I needed.

When I boarded the bus, it was semi-full and I found a seat on one of the benches that faced into the aisle. A couple of stops later a man took the seat opposite me and our eyes met and lingered for that gay-nanosecond that told me we might be in the same brotherhood. I have been wrong before. But, the fact we were in WeHo and the slogan on his shirt, "It's free to look!", suggested I might be right this time.

After that millisecond eye lock, he took out his phone, checked a couple of things, looked around the bus, but not back at me. Okay, he's not looking for a daddy. Good, I don't want to be one. 

Yet, the idea of being with him, began to intrigue me. He had a nice guy aura about him, he was kind of cute, dark and tall with a bit of muscle. He must be intelligent because he was reading about Aerospace Engineering Software, or something like that. Definitely not light material. I kept thinking interesting thoughts about him, and this surprised me as I haven't had these thoughts in a long time, especially about someone who wasn't trying to get my attention. I kept glancing at him, he kept not glancing at me. Or, I missed it if he did. But, I don't think he did.

I began thinking of the afters. Was he a cuddler or an "I'm done and out of here" kind of guy? Was his chest hairy since his legs were? Would he want to see me again? Would I want to see him? How would I feel about myself? And I still wasn't seeing him catch my glance. So, time to stop thinking about him.

At last we arrived at my stop and as I got up to leave, his eyes locked on mine and followed my gaze as I gathered my belongings, stood up and made my way to the exit. He continued eastbound on the #702 Express as I descended below Santa Monica and Vermont Blvds.

It actually started happening on the bus. A small, sharp pain in my chest. It stopped. It continued off and on all the way home without getting worse. I could easily breathe, so I didn't panic. I suspected indigestion, as it wasn't radiating into my arm. Yet. I began to suspect I was having an anxiety attack over my lascivious thoughts about that young man. Was I really ready to move on and begin a single lifestyle of wild abandon?  Or maybe I had just overeaten? But I only had a turkey burger and fries. The discomfort increased as I arrived at my station and eventually my home. Having been through several anxiety attacks in the past, I began to suspect this was a major one and as I could still breathe easily and had been singing along with the CD in my car, I did not believe I was having a heart attack.

I also began to suspect I was having anxiety over getting my next novel(s) written and figure out how to better market my first one, so I can market my subsequent ones better, triggered by the bookfair itself.

Or, maybe it's anxiety over all of it; closing the chapters on the two men above, recognizing I might be ready to mingle a bit more, thinking about sex, and beginning to take myself seriously as a writer. And with retirement looming a mere six years away, it's all together a bit much to think about. Plus, the added anxiety of being at mid-life, owning a home, driving an aging car and being the sole person responsible for it all. Perhaps the stress of recognizing it all collectively was far too much.

I don't have all the answers to the questions. But, it does seem clear my life is making a huge change for the better. Maybe the Young Man on the Bus was simply the catalyst after all that had happened in these last few weeks. Maybe all he was telling me is that I am human, I am male, I am gay and I am not dead, emotionally or physically.

I'm facing a blank page in the next chapter in my life. While it's exciting to see what may lie ahead, because so much is changing all at once, it's also scaring the hell out of me.

 

 

 

 

Fishes, Bicycles, P!nk and Cher

Lately, I've been reminded of the saying "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." 

It seems all I've been seeing and hearing around me is how much I need to be with someone. 

And that's true, I do need to be with someone. 

I need to be with me. 

For twenty-four of the last twenty-seven years I was with someone, two different someones at different times, actually. I feel I gave those two men everything. I gave them so much, I don't know if I have anything more to give. 

(I do, but we'll talk about that later.)

I also feel I gave so much of myself, I don't know who I am anymore. And that is the path I walk; the path to me.

Friends are telling me I need to be with someone who understands me. 

I think that's a no-brainer, but I also need to understand myself first. 

Others have told me I need to be with someone who looks like we belong together.  A bit superficial perhaps, but if the physical attraction isn't there from the beginning, while combined with the other attractions; mental, spiritual and emotional, then I don't feel it's going to last.  And let's face it, men are attracted to looks first and when you put two men together, sometimes it seems they can't get past the outer packaging.

Other friends have mentioned their single gay male friends in passing, their hidden intentions not lost on me.

Other friends have told me it's my writing that will bring me to my next partner. We shall see. One friend spoke of my writing in general, while another believes my next partner will be an author in his own right. Time will tell. 

I see little posts on Facebook saying things like, "to love and be loved is the real purpose of life," "Allow yourself to HOPE, BELIEVE, and TRUST again. Don't let a few bad memories stop you from having a good life NOW!" That's true and I'm working on it, but it still takes time to heal from past hurts.  

I watch some of my friends, both gay and straight, and when their relationship ends, they begin embarking on another, taking little time trying to get to know the other person, and when that relationship fails, they embark on another. Almost immediately. But, I ask, have they  taken time to get to know themselves? Have they taken time to know what they truly want? Only they can answer that question.

I openly admit to being a HUGE Cher fan. She just released her first CD in over eleven years. One song spoke to me as I walk this path. (I love the whole CD, but some songs reached deep into my soul and affirmed to me I'm moving in the right direction.)  I'm not a huge P!nk fan, I really don't know her music well, but I have blogged on one of her songs, Try, in an earlier blog, and when I heard she was collaborating on a song with Cher, I was intrigued. And this is the song they worked on, and in particular, it's the second verse and chorus that really hit home:

From I Walk Alone

There's a tightrope that I've been walking

There's a daisy in my hair

There's a heartbreak that has taught me 

what is raging and that's only love and fear

There's a sadness in my confessions

There's a healer howling at the moon,

And there's a gypsy in me that keeps on roaming

and there's an anger as I get closer to the truth.

But there's a time to dance, time to laugh

time to cry, time to go, time to grieve, trime to cope,

Well, I've still got time to fold, time to hold,

time to play, time to grow, but for now I gotta walk alone.

I've gotta walk alone, I gotta walk alone, I got to walk alone,

But, for now, I gotta walk alone.

Rest assured dear friends, I won't walk alone forever. He's out there. I feel it. I know it.

But, for now I gotta walk alone.

And this is where I need to be.

For now.

Cher, Miley and Me

I've been feeling different lately. Very positive, upbeat. I'm taking more risks. I went to a writers' group and actually shared a piece of a work in progress that's been tormenting me for years. I signed up for a dating workshop for gay men. I ended up cancelling because I came home exhausted from a long day of teaching with a stiff neck I woke up with that morning and was now beginning to give me a headache. I shared this with one of my counselors who also noted my overall energy level was very positive and upbeat, though our session was before I didn't make it to the dating workshop. We both wondered where this change came from.

Oh, and Cher's new CD was due out this upcoming week! That's always exciting, for me anyway.

It's very sad to see or hear of someone once close to you making choices in life that conflict with your original image of them. When that happens to someone in my life, I begin to wonder if I really knew that person. When relationships end, often there is a newfound freedom of singleness, or of "Now I can do whatever I want that I wasn't allowed to do before."

I have heard through mutual friends, a certain someone once close to me is leading a very different lifestyle than what I ever imagined he would.

Through the last few years, I have learned we are all responsible for our own choices, and this person is now responsible for himself. I need to let that just be.

If this is what he wants, I hope he finds it.

And when I said that, I knew. That's where the change in me had come from. I'd let go of some of the past. There will always be some difficult and awkward moments between us, but if I was now feeling empathy for him and actually wishing he finds whatever it is he's looking for, I've grown. I've moved forward.

I also realized someone else once very important to me had a birthday and I was filled with an overwhelming desire to wish him a happy birthday. This realization and desire came to me out of the blue, as I didn't feel this way last year. I debated contacting him, as I didn't want to stir up old memories or hurts, for me or for him. (This is my curse of being so empathic.) But, as I am learning to trust my instincts, I followed through. As of today, I have not heard back, and I don't know if I will. And I don't know what I will say if I do hear back. I'll trust in the moment. I don't know where he is in his life now, and whatever he's looking for I hope he finds it.

I think the fact I took that step and wished him a happy birthday also tells me I've moved on.

This sentiment was cemented as I played Cher's new CD, Closer to the Truth and was struck by the chorus in the song, I Hope You Find It,originally recorded by Miley Cyrus:

And I hope you find it 

What you're looking for....

And I hope you're happy,

Wherever you are...

And I mean it.

My New Boyfriend, part 2

In my last post, My New Boyfriend, I responded to a reader's question of what physical qualities in a man make me catch my breath. In short, I described with a masculine, muscular, tall, bearish type man, usually with dark hair and eyes. 

Yet, I have been known to veer away from this. 

Quite far.

A few years ago, a man I met shortly after my divorce asked me if I had ever truly been in love. Immediately, someone surfaced from the recesses of my heart. "Yes," I replied. 

This memorable man was the antithesis of what usually draws my eye; tall, skinny, blond, blue eyes with a wimpy mustache and slight overbite. To this day, he is one of two men I feel I fell in love with. (For the record, I did love both my partners, but I grew to love them, but that initial physical attraction was not there. A big difference.)  

So, why do I feel I fell in love with this tall, skinny, blond? And why did he make such an impact on my heart?

Because we connected on so many levels; spiritual, age, education, communication. We did not set out to be boyfriends, lovers or husbands.

We were friends first.

We met around 1985 at a Gay Christian Bible study. He was searching for answers, and I had some. We hung out together, he invited me to his church's young adult volleyball night. Some of them knew he was struggling with the church and the closet door. The more time he and I spent together, not thinking about dating, sex, or romance, and just sharing, talking, and supporting each other (he was there for me when I came out to my family) the more I opened up and fell in love with him. 

I finally told him. 

He loved me, too. As a friend.

Ouch. 

But, he did acknowledge we would have an amazing relationship, if....

Would have, if....?

Yes, those were his words. 

I must give him credit, for he knew he wasn't ready for the type of relationship he saw we could have. He was still coming out, one hand still on the church door.  He also felt he needed to explore himself more sexually. He said I didn't deserve that. I deserved someone who was ready to settle down, someone who had no more questions, someone who knew who he was. I loved him all the more for that. 

At first, I wanted to wait for him. Eventually, I had to move on. And then away from him. We haven't spoken to each other since 1996 when we both attended a memorial service for a friend, and even then, some eleven years after I walked away, it still hurt.

Maybe my lesson here is not to focus on the package, but the contents. I would agree, but I also want to add there has to be some physical attraction, and some attention to one's own instincts. And this time, I will pay attention to both.

The Friend Zone is a tricky place. Yet, in my opinion (and experience) most of the successful relationships begin with friendship and then evolve into something greater. The idea, though, is not to limit oneself when meeting someone and that's not an easy thing to do, as many of us, gay and straight alike, meet someone and in the back of our minds we begin thinking of the possibilites: friend, lover, spouse, trick, none of the above.

Because I believe a solid friendship was lacking in my past relationships, I really want that this time. 

I want my boyfriend, to be my boyFRIEND.

My New Boyfriend

I may come off as superficial and shallow in this post, but I'm learning not to care what others think of me. So, I don't care if you think I am superficial and shallow.

After a recent post, a reader asked what a man has to be like in order to pique my physical interest. And that got me thinking about my two relationships. Because neither of them did, at first.

It's funny, but after they both ended, people told me they expected my partners to be somewhat different, that neither of them looked like what they expected my partner to look like, that we didn't look like we belonged together so I must have seen something deeper in them. To which they gave me credit.

Maybe that's what the problem was. We didn't even look like we belonged together. And maybe what I thought was deeper, wasn't deep enough for me.

In the three years I've been single, I have been reflecting on the mental/spiritual/chronological/emotional/financial qualities I'm looking for in a boyfriend/potential husband, and maybe I haven't considered the physical attraction enough.

So, this time, I'm going to pay more attention to it. 

 

To that end....

I want my boyfriend to be hot like....Ben Cohen. Ben is a British rugby player who is taking a stand against bullying with his Stand Up Foundation. He was recently asked to participate in Britain's version of Dancing with the Stars, and was quoted as hoping for a male partner. I love his attitude, his muscles, and the fact that this openly straight man is so comfortable with himself only adds to his sexiness. But, his heterosexuality, as well as his wife and daughters, are major drawbacks to our getting together. I'm not a home-wrecker.

Or, I want my boyfriend to be hot like.....Brian Sims. Brian is the first openly LGBT person to be elected to the House of Representatives in Pennsylvania. He has recently introduced legislation to ban conversion therapy against minors in Pennsylvania and has previously introduced marriage equality legislation. One of Rep. Sims' most famous quotes came after a discussion in April, 2013 on abortion when he said to the Speaker of the House, "Each of us put our hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. We did not place our hands on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." Some drawbacks to our getting together would be my unwillingness to relocate to Pennsylvania; ironically, my first partner's home state, as I hear the winters are a bitch. And I'd be in the spotlight as a State Representative's boyfriend, potentially campaigning for his elections. I'm a bit more shy and reserved than that role would require. And as he's even younger than my ex, that puts him on the AI list (Age Inappropriate), which I might be able to overlook, just maybe not those Pennsylvania winters.

 

It seems I tend to be drawn to muscly, bearish masculine men, who also come off as genuine nice guys. Yet, I have found myself attracted to men who weren't quite as muscly or as bearish. (I'm not talking about my past partners here. Neither were muscly or bearish at all.)  What drew me to the not-as-muscly/bearish men was their intelligence, their passion, their confidence. And yes, I did think they were handsome. 

So, now you know. I'm superficial and shallow. But, I have been drawn to a man for a variety of reasons other than his looks; intelligence, passion, creativity, confidence, compassion, to name a few. And all of those added to his overall attractiveness. But, this time I will pay a bit more attention to 'a hotness factor' in addition to those other qualities of what I want in a partner. After all, I think I deserve a partner I could salivate over and who piques a bit more than my brain. I want him for a little more of the whole package, not just for his own package.

 

And not just because he shows an interest in me.

That's not superficial, is it? 

I think it's only natural.

 

For more on Ben Cohen and his foundation, click here.

For more information on Rep. Sims, click here.