An Annoying Tool

A friend and I were discussing our spiritual journeys when he made an interesting comment regarding the mind.

“It’s an annoying tool,” he said. 

While that intrigued me, it resonated at the same time. How can a tool be annoying?

As I sat back and marinated, or ruminated on, his idea, I understood better.

Our mind helps us in many ways:

• Following plot lines in movies and books
• Deciphering unintelligible speech in voicemails or from people with heavy accents
• Reading
• Studying
• Learning
• Solving problems
• Rationalizing
• Making decisions

And in those cases, the mind is an appropriate tool.

Like a hammer when hammering a nail into the wall to hang a picture.

But, when you accidentally hammer your thumb or finger, the hammer is not so appropriate. It’s not even annoying and it may end up in the garbage or thrown across the room. Then you’d need another one the next time you need to hang a picture on the wall. Or you’ll need to repair or replace whatever the hammer hit. Let’s hope it wasn’t something expensive or a living being.

In at least three of the above situations where we use our mind, it can become annoying, if not worse.

Sometimes when solving problems, other than in math class, we may overthink. Overthinking often leads to anxiety or depression depending on whether we’re thinking of the future or the past, respectively. For example, a therapist I was seeing suggested I find a nice community organization to volunteer with. It was his intention for me to get out and meet people to help me learn to manage my introversion and make friends. I immediately saw a problem; “what if someone asks me out?” And then panic set in. And all the connections to dating and what it could lead to…a second date, maybe a third, talk of sex, and eventually living together and possibly, even marriage.

I hadn’t even finished the therapy session and was already married to some stranger.

In my mind at least.

As I view rationalizing and making decisions similarly, I’ll address them jointly. But, first, I’ll define how I see them. And I’m not talking about a simple decision, like what color of shirt should I wear today. 

Rationalizing, to me, is deciding whether to do something or not. That's it, a simple yes or no kind of situation. For example, should I go on vacation, yes or no? I can rationalize the simple things, like need or want. Do I need a vacation? Do I even want one?

Once that has been decided, and if the answer is affirmative, then the ‘where’ comes into play; Paris? Miami? Fresno? and all of the pros and cons for each location.

• Cost
• Language
• Duration of actual travel time
• Cuisine
• Local amusements and attractions
• How adventurous do I feel?

I feel the biggest problem with rationalizing and deciding are the ‘whatifs’. What if this…. What if that… What if he… 

Yes, the mind can be either amazing or annoying, helpful or hindering.

It all depends on wether we use it or let it use us. 

For an animated version of Shel Silverstein's poem, "Whatif" click here

Pentacles in April

As we segue into May it's time to check in on my New Year's Reading. The card for April was the 10 of Pentacles. 

Pentacles is the suit of Earth, abundance, prosperity and the material plane. I greeted this card with optimism. Would I win the lottery? Or find a job? Sell some things I no longer use, need or that bring me any joy? Would it be a spiritual prosperity? 

Numerology plays a part in tarot as well. Tens are seen as a completion of the story expressed by each suit. Yet, it's a completion of a cycle for a new beginning. How often do we come to an ending, only for something new to begin? Relationships end for new ones to begin, jobs and careers end for new ones to take off or for a new position in the same firm. It’s all part of our growth, for our greater good.

How would this possibly play out for me in the suit of Pentacles? Let's look at the card:

In the standard Rider-Waite-Smith deck, if we peek through all the pentacles, we see several well-dressed people of differing ages, possibly suggesting the generations of a family. Hmm, inheritance? As Pentacles is the suit of abundance, prosperity and the material plane, it could also suggest an increase in wealth or resources. Abundance and prosperity don't always signify monetary gains. Property can also signify abundance. Resources aren’t always physical, though Pentacles would suggest otherwise.

Resources can also be internal, such as an attitude or our own personal strength-which we don't often recognize. The three cards from the prior quarter all had the theme of letting go. Was this leading to a letting go of material goods and thus to a feeling of gratitude with having less, while still feeling prosperous and abundant? Could be. 

Regardless, it was my card for April and I was curious to its meaning. 

April is also tax month.

I received a larger tax refund than I had in the last few years. So, my monetary abundance did increase and I was able to accomplish some things I needed to do with this influx of money. Plus, I’ve been identifying some things that I no longer need or want, nor have I used in the last few months or even years. I’m currently trying to decide if I should try and sell them or donate them.

Regardless, I’m grateful for the additional income and the feeling of letting go what no longer serves me.

May’s card is the King of Pentacles. Hmmm, more abundance? But the King suggests either a generous person or a possible aspect of my personality so, how will he show up in May? 

We'll have to wait and see...

King of Pentacles,
New Palladini Tarot 

Pushing Myself for Poppies

I pushed myself a bit the other day. 

But first, some background. 

I’ve come to hate driving long distances. By long distances, I mean anything over about an hour’s distance from my house. This comes from a couple of places;

1. A very difficult road trip with my family when I was younger, and
2. Years of a long commute.

My family took many road trips. We also moved a lot and not across town but across the country. We drove each time. So, I spent many hours confined in the back seat of a car behind two parents who smoked. But, one trip stands out in particular.

In January 1974, we were moving from the San Francisco Bay Area to Denver, Colorado and one leg of this trip had us spending the night in Wendover, Utah. My stepfather had decided the road from Salt Lake City to Denver was a bit too risky with the impending snowstorm, so the plan was to head north into Wyoming then across it and eventually we would head south into Denver. One extra day was worth our lives. Good thinking.

We hit the road early and stopped for breakfast/lunch in Salt Lake where I had a couple cups of coffee. Shortly after heading back out, it started to snow and my bladder began to signal me it needed relief. I conveyed this to my stepfather who said there was no place to stop, especially alongside the freeway up in the mountains during a light snowfall. I focused on the trees, the flakes, a book I was reading, on anything but the discomfort I was feeling. Hours later and a lot more discomfort, there was still no place alongside the freeway in the desolate plains of Wyoming to stop during a snowstorm. Eventually we stopped around 8:00 PM for gas and dinner either in Laramie or Cheyenne, Wyoming, I forget which due to the passages of time. I was out of the car before it stopped moving. I was also the first one in the bathroom and the last one out.

During the last fifteen years of my teaching career, I commuted to work. My commute had grown from 1.5 miles at the beginning of my career to 35 miles one way at the end, with one year in there at about 45 miles, also one way.

So, I'm not fond of driving long distances. It triggers some anxiety. 

Two other things that trigger my anxiety; crowds of people and being away from my home. I’m not fearful of the crowds, they just drain me. And home is where I recharge, my sanctuary. So, even running errands can be so incredibly draining due to dealing with people that sometimes I need a nap when I return; but I do take care of what I need to in spite of it all.

With all this in mind, I recently drove a bit of a distance, and more importantly, I chose to.

We had so much rain in Southern California this past rainy season there was a superbloom of wildflowers. As I missed the last one, I wanted to see them this time. And not on the news. But up close and personal. Plus, I could play with my camera.

So, I drove the fifty miles to the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve, in Lancaster, California. I had also made arrangements to meet a friend who lives in the area after he got off work. So, I'd be up there a while.

I geared myself up for the drive and chose to go on a weekday to avoid any possible crowds; one of the benefits of being retired. I also left later in the morning to avoid rush hour traffic, even though I was going against the traffic flow. But, by going later, I'd be losing the good morning light; oh, the sacrifices we sometimes make. As I was going on my own, I would be on my own schedule, not waiting for anyone else to get their perfect shot, so I kind of figured I would be finished with my photography relatively soon, and I wasn't sure what there was to do up there after finishing getting my photos. So, I wanted to minimize the downtime while waiting for my friend to leave work. 

All in all, the drive wasn’t terrible except for the coffee I had in the morning. Will I ever learn?

The poppies were beautiful as was the weather. They tend to close in the wind, but the gentle breeze that day met with their approval. They remained open. Perhaps thats a lesson for me-remain open.

We need to push ourselves once in a while in order to grow.

Even if it makes us uncomfortable. 

After all, stagnation leads nowhere...

And what is it they say? Everything we want is on the other side of fear...

For more information on the AV Poppy Reserve, 
click here.

Strange Memories

Sometimes we recall the strangest things.

And to what end?

I awoke the other day to a memory of a few years ago. Okay, a great many years ago. I was five years old.

I had learned to spell the word ‘candy’ and ran to tell my mother.

“Mom, I can spell ‘candy’,” I cried. “C-N-D-Y!” I shouted.

“Very good, honey!” Mom said. I was elated, I had spelled my first word! Oh, I was jumping for joy! I ran around the apartment spelling it over and over, “C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!”

I couldn’t wait to get to school and tell my teacher. I was in kindergarten at the time.

“I can spell ‘candy’,” I said. 

“Oh?” she asked.

“C-N-D-Y!” I said, my chest filled with pride, my face beaming.

“You forgot the ‘A’,” she replied and returned to her task at hand.

My chest deflated, I was crushed. 

Words hurt. 

As a teacher, I know words hurt and I always tried to find encouraging ways to support my students in their learning and eventual mistakes, making sure to reward their effort as well as delicately guiding them to figure out their own error.

Yet, I also ask myself why did my subconscious bring this particular memory forward at this time? Perhaps for some unknown reason in the future. A future reminder, if that is possible. A reminder to mind my words in conversations? Perhaps, and always good advice.

On or around the same time, I recalled a student from a while back and a particular event involving her. 

She did not stand out in either direction, meaning she wasn't a discipline problem or a gifted student. In fact, I had not remembered her from that particular class even though I had taught many of them, including her, two years in a row in fourth and fifth grades and loved every minute with them. But, she was one of the nondescript ones.

The event involving her was the annual fifth grade physical fitness exam. Normally we would use our own school yard for the one mile run/walk but as it was under construction, we had to use the neighboring high school's track. Permission slips in hand, we trekked up to the high school. 

She was a large girl, both tall and a bit on the heavy side. She was very quiet, hardly saying anything in class and when she did, I had to strain to hear. 

We began the run in two groups making it easier for me to keep track of the times they crossed the finish line. She was in the second group. And the very last to finish as she chose to walk all the way. We encouraged her to run, but she continued to walk and not very briskly.

Why this memory came forth one particular morning, I may never know. But, the most intriguing connection was that, while doing some deep cleaning, I found some old CDs with pictures on them from her class. That. Same. Day. 

An odd coincidence or another one of my synchronicities? Personally, I lean to the latter as I believe I am connecting with my own higher self/consciousness which is connected to the higher consciousness of all. And these synchronicities are just a reminder to me that I am connecting.

I don't know. But it sounds good.

Besides, it resonates with me, and that's all that matters.

The Hanged Man of March

Deck: Radiant Rider Waite Smith

When I did my New Year reading for 2019, I felt the whole spread seemed to divide itself into quarters as the cards appeared to group themselves that way. Two of the first three cards all seemed to suggest a letting go or becoming unstuck with the first card setting the tone of the quarter. 

With March having ended, it's time to review not only March but the quarter as well.

The Hanged Man suggests a surrender, a letting go, a crossroads of some kind. Even though he is hanging, albeit upside-down with all the blood slowly entering his brain, his face shows peace; and in many decks, a halo glows around his head. He has surrendered his life willingly for the greater good, a cause he believes in. While the image can be perceived as a bit unnerving, it is eventually for a greater good. No pain, no gain.

I have been letting go of a lot this month; a lot of pain, so a lot of gain, though sometimes I have to remind myself of the potential gain as it’s too easy not to accept the positive and slide back into the abyss. Sometimes we are more comfortable in the pain as we don’t know how to live or exist without it. We’ve been comfortable far too long with it as we've simply learned to manage it. What lies ahead in the light? After all, light can be blinding to the eyes so accustomed to the darkness.

I am trying to let go of having to know the answers right now. Why is all this change happening to me? What does it all mean? Why me? Do I deserve it? What lies ahead? 

I feel those are the eternal questions of life. Change is the only constant in our lives and sometimes the change is so drastic it does become a bit frightening. Okay, very frightening. But, always for our greater good. In the end, sometime.

I’ve also been letting go of what no longer serves me. In any sense. 

I’ve merged my internet, television and landline (yes, I still have one) into one account for a cheaper amount and better service. (It’s still a bit new, so the jury is still deciding on how good the service [and savings] will be.) I've let go of other accounts that no longer hold my interest, or I seem to take some time to get to. I'm streamlining my budget.

Almost anything I haven’t used or even seen in over six months is currently sitting in a box while I investigate how well similar items are selling on eBay. As of now, nothing similar has sold. I might just find a charity shop and make a nice donation for the tax advantages next year. I'm downsizing my material goods. 

So, letting go doesn’t always refer to emotions though some of the items I’m letting go have had some emotional connection, but even that has worn off. So, it’s time.

Now, it’s on to April and the second quarter of the year which is going to be interesting, as two of the cards have to do with the material and physical side of life with the third dealing with matters of the heart; while, simultaneously, two of them could address the completion or near-completion of a cycle and the third could be an aspect of someone around me or of me personally.

I can't wait to see how it goes...

Ten of Pentacles, King of Pentacles and Nine of Cups
Deck: The New Palladini

The Swords of February

New Palladini Tarot

When I did my reading for the New Year, I drew the Eight of Swords Reversed for February. Now that it's March, it's time to check in, albeit it a bit late.

When we look at the Eight of Swords upright, we see a figure wearing a blindfold with her arms bound to her sides. She is almost completely surrounded by eight swords. The blindfold obviously suggests she can't see and the bindings on her arms suggest restrictions and a lack of balance as we need our arms as a counterbalance when we walk. The swords around her suggest she is trying to move forward, yet blinded and somewhat out of balance. A tricky path indeed. How will she see what's in front of her? How will she catch herself should she stumble? Is it any wonder why so many readers see this card as a message of being stuck or restricted?

Swords is the suit of the mind; thoughts, truth, communication, and ideas are all associated with this suit. Therefore, this figure is stuck by her own thinking, ideas or perceptions. 

A reversed card in a reading could suggest the opposite of the card's basic meaning. Therefore, this card reversed could suggest a letting go of the restrictions, a freeing of the self, if you will. Or more simply put, getting unstuck. 

Radiant Rider-Waite-Smith
Tarot

As I contemplated the card at the beginning of the month and where I was then, I had a feeling the ideas, or thoughts, that were restricting me had to do with my spiritual growth and self-acceptance.

I may be mistaken. Or, maybe I just underestimated what the card may have suggested.

I have been feeling high anxiety of late. I've tried to focus on what is triggering me and what I can do to overcome it. I think I'm beginning to remove the blindfold.

I reconnected with someone very dear to me and I do believe we have a destiny together. We just hit our six month mark since reconnecting after a two and a half year separation. We have grown tremendously, both during the separation and since reconnecting. We have also grown individually and together.

And that is where some of the anxiety is coming from. This is becoming real. I've lived alone for almost nine years since the divorce with the exception of the disastrous short term roommate experiment. Should he and I take this relationship to that level, (I'm already overthinking, I admit it. It's those damn swords.) I'd have to make a few adjustments. But, I'm getting ahead of myself, way ahead of myself. Overthinking is part of my Aquarian/Libra nature. Or is it my charm? I forget. At least I now know what I need to work on to continue getting myself un-stuck. But, overcoming overthinking is not an easy task. 

But, I have also noticed I've let go of a lot. I have a deep seated fear of abandonment from my childhood and the constant moving we did. I'm learning to let go of that fear as we continue on our journey. I've also let go of expectations; of him, of me and of the relationship in general. After all, expectations are nothing but a planned disappointment.

While I first thought I knew the card referred to letting go of the restrictions or judgements I felt around accepting my spiritual gifts, which is still an underlying factor, now I feel this card seems to have also referenced some emotional baggage I've been carrying. I do feel some anxiety over getting closer with this man, which is only natural in any case. Since I've now identified where some of the anxiety is coming from, I can start removing the bindings to move forward more freely, even if I take baby steps. And since anxiety begins in the mind, the swords are very apropos here. All eight of them.

Does this mean I misinterpreted the card? Not really. I did have one idea of what the card was telling me, albeit superficially. I was already aware that I was unsure of this new spiritual direction and where it might take me and perhaps not trusting it, or myself, enough. Often, there are deeper, less superficial triggers to our anxieties, or any situation, and the Tarot can simply bring them to the surface for us to see. And therefore heal.

Or perhaps the message of the card was simply about my increasing awareness that my own thoughts, insecurities and deeper fears, whatever they may be-superficial or subterranean, are what holds me back; the more I become aware of them, the more I can remove the blindfold and bindings. And take baby steps forward. Which is still progress.

On to March and the Hanged Man. 

January's Judgments

Facing judgments
and a release

I tried something earlier this year. On January 1, I sat down with one of my tarot decks and did a reading for my upcoming year.

So, I'm checking in to see how I'm doing, both personally and with accuracy.

The card for January was Judgement.

This indicated I would be facing some judgements. This could mean that I was being judged, judging others or perhaps even judging myself.

The last part, judging myself, resonated very strongly with me, especially in context of the cards that followed; the Eight of Swords Reversed (letting go of restrictions) and the Hanged Man (surrendering to the what is), plus where I saw myself at that time.

Further experiences I’ve had over this last month seem to fit in the January Judgements predictions. Among them:

• Elements of a short story I began in 2017 seem to be happening now, which could simply be coincidental due to the real-life situation that inspired the story.
• I felt drawn to a new tarot deck which may be connecting me to a new Spirit Guide.
• The number synchronicities I’ve been seeing have shifted into yet a third pattern.

It is what it is

Individually, these would be just interesting events in my life. But, all of these happenings collectively became my own Ten of Wands, a huge bundle becoming almost too heavy to bear.

As I interpreted all of these as spiritual gifts, I began judging myself. Was I worthy of these gifts/abilities? Why me? And now that I was opening them, wtf was I supposed to do with them? I have come to believe they are all part of my higher consciousness, therefore they are part of me which means I can’t very well return or exchange them, in the same way I can’t return an arm or a leg. Can I?

A heavy burden

Let’s imagine that convo, shall we?

Me: Um, hello. I’d like to exchange these gifts.
God/Universe/HigherSelf: Really? Why? Don't you like them?
Me: It's not that; I’m just not comfortable with them.
G/U/HS: What? They don’t fit?
Me: Well, they don’t fit the image I have of me.
G/U/HS: They fit the image I have of you. And, besides, what would you exchange them for? Telekinesis? The ability to disapparate?
Me: I don’t know. What else do you have?
G/U/HS: You have them for a reason, they are embedded in you. And now that you’ve opened them, the decision on how to use them, or use them at all, is entirely up to you.
Me: I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel worthy.
G/U/HS: The "knowing what to do" is all in your head. Stop overthinking. Just trust that you are worthy. Begin there. And you’ll know what to do. After all, how did you know you wanted to teach?
Me: It just felt right.
G/U/HS: Bingo. All it takes is Faith and Trust. And to believe in yourself.
Me: I’m working on it.
G/U/HS: I know you are. Growth is painful. So is change.
Me: Very.
G/U/HS: I have faith in you. You need it in yourself.
Me: Is that why You gave them to me?
G/U/HS: You catch on quick.
Me: I have just one more question.
G/U/HS: Just one?
Me: Haha. Can you at least give me time to adjust to what I’ve opened before throwing something new at me?
G/U/HS: You’re the one opening the gifts, not me.
Me: Oh.

So, maybe all of these interesting things happening around me are steps for me to accept myself exactly as I am and release any judgments.

Especially of myself.

Well, it seems the Judgment card for January wasn't far off. Let's see what the 8 of Swords Reversed brings in February.

Feeling less restricted

Should be interesting.